Newly
Yes she has done DARE for two years now and loves it! I bought her and I the Traveling Pants books a few months ago. We want to see the movie and just haven't yet. When the EX and I originally separated we took her to counseling and I bought her several books on divorce. They helped alot. She's adapted well to the divorce but this pending marriage is really tearing her up.

Bellvue

He conveniently planned the nuptials around his visitation weekend and if she isn't here for him to pick her up that weekend he won't hesitate to call the police. I know him too well.

I have already told him she won't be participating. The question now is whether she will be in attendance. I REALLY want to accidently on purpose get delayed while vacationing that week before. But should I?

I remembered today that the EX's insurance has an 1-800 number to call and they will pay for the first 6 counseling sessions for her so I've left him a message for him to call it tomorrow so I can get the ball rolling.

I also called my attorneys office today. He's vacationing in Florida until April (Lucky Dog!) but I spoke with his secretary who knows the history of our divorce and she agreed with me that without documentation regarding the girlfriends drug use there is nothing I can do to keep her away from my daughter. I also asked that she check into the status of getting my maiden name back. I'll be d*mned if I will share a last name with that b*tch!

I guess I'll go blow off some steam by painting my kitchen..lol

Thanks for everyones input!! It's greatly appreciated!!

No, because you'd be teaching your daughter to get out of tough situations by lying, and that's never a good lesson. Let her see you stand up to him/them by calmly saying 'the wedding makes her uncomfortable for many reasons I'll be happy to discuss with you - later - but because of that she will not be attending. I'm sure you understand and that, because you love her, you would not want to force your daughter to endure unnecessary strain.' A great role model and teacher of how to honestly solve your problems.

yes Cat but it's HIS scheduled visitation weekend. Just by saying she won't be attending will not work. ya know?

Attendence does not legitimize anything. Even participation by an 11 YO does not endorse or legitimize the wedding.

I think that any judge would agree that this weekend is a special circumstance. If nothing else, if it were me, if she has to go, I would demand to go with her. I know we're not supposed to say demand on this site, but this is a child's feelings we're talking about. JMO.

There is no way I would EVER subject myself to their madness. Although if I told him that was his only hope....maybe he would then agree to not make her go. hmmmm

What does DS think about this? Does he plan to attend/participate? That may make a difference with DD.

What if this woman becomes your DD's stepmother for 30 years? How would she feel if she didnt' participate?
I definitely think this is a counseling issue, so that an objective person can help your DD make her own decision.

My DD's will likely face the same issues someday (although I doubt I'd get advance notice of any wedding). My girls tell me I'm not allowed to date. I think they can only deal with one "other" person. They seem to need their mom, their rock to stay the same.

Breathe and know you will get through this time. And do you need to talk to a counselor to work through your issues with X's remarriage to your X friend? Could that be putting pressure on your, and on your DD's decision? I know we all have issues to work through, and are lucky to have this venue.

Newly, that's an excellent point about the possibility this woman could be in Allurin's children's lives for 30 or more years.

Before I go on, let me explain my own bias. First, I'm getting married in October. My girls are excited and want to be part of the wedding. I also think that when a new person becomes a permanent part of their lives, being there is important.

Second, I was raised to believe that there are certain social obligations we need to honor. We go to the weddings of our relatives even if we think they are making a terrible mistake because family is the most important thing, and this includes p-poor fathers like mine. Sometimes, we just have to suck it up and be in uncomfortable situations. Also, our family often make choices we don't like and we can't stop that, but they're still family. Soooo, those are my biases.

While I don't think anyone should be strong armed into being in a wedding party, not attending could have long-term repercusions, including DD not attneding Allurin's wedding in the future, the step-mom making DD's life miserable on purpose, and others that I can't even guess at.

The down side of attending the wedding is your DD feels uncomfortable and awkward.

Accidentally breaking down is out of the question because it's manipulative, deceitful and in the future, your children could really resent that you, Allurin, made them miss their father's wedding.

Newly

My son is from my first marriage so no he won't be attending or participating. He thinks the entire thing is a joke.

I could care less who he marries. Quite frankly I think they deserve one another. My only concern is getting my daughter through this in one piece.

Her father phones her almost every night and tonight she surprised me and flat out told him she has thought about it and does not want to participate in the wedding but will sit at the church with her grandparents. She also told him she doesn't want to feel out of place and if she does she wants to come home to me. I was very proud of her! She was very matter of factly to him. She very calm and very firm. She and I haven't talked about it for a few days so it was quite obvious she had taken a few days to process it and make her decision.

Greengables

I know the "breaking down" wasn't a good plan but it would have been the only way to keep her away from the madness. Now that she's made up her own mind I feel much better now that she's feeling better about it. Make sense?

Thank you both for your words of wisdom. It really helps me see another side to this.

Ronda

Oh, the mental image that just flashed through my mind. If daughter decided she would go but only if you went with her but she wouldn't be in the wedding, AND she was seated w/ your x's family, you could end up seated there, too. In a perfect position to be the rare person to object to the marriage.

LOL Cinderella.

A. I wouldn't subject myself to that
B. I'm not sure who would be more p*ssed that I would there...the bride to be or the ex-mil.

I think it is important for her to make her own choice. The "breaking down" was a bad idea. I was just checking on our school's website and here is what they have to say about counseling. You can suggest she talk to her school counselor to help her think this through - and it's free.
(I looked it up because my DD said someone called her Emo and she wanted a definition. Emo is short for Emotional. But according to the teenagers at church, Emo is sland for someone who cuts themselves. Yikes)


Welcome to the Counseling Department


The primary goal of counseling at School is to provide students with a safe, supportive environment in which to manage any ongoing issues or crisis that may otherwise impede their emotional and educational growth. The program is developmental in nature, incorporating techniques that are meaningful in working with children in general and specifically, with intermediate schoolers at each grade level as they transition toward greater independence, acceptance or personal responsibility, and the need for more complex decision-making capacities.


Some specific areas that we strive to address with individuals as well as groups of students include the following:


Managing good life choices.
Accepting and respecting others, regardless of similarity or difference from oneself.
Learning to view differences among people as positive or innocuous, not as something to be distrusted.
Agreeing to disagree; developing strategies for getting along and working with those who are not your natural allies.
Resolving conflicts for oneself or via the involvement of a mediator.
Managing challenges at home including sibling rivalry, parental relationships, lose of loved ones.

Thanks Newly!!

And isn't that EMO definition scary!! I can't imagine cutting or burning myself for attention. Those poor kids and adults that do!!!

I know a lot of Emo kids, and the cutting is an exaggeration, in my experience. Some may cut, but most of the ones I know are really just doing it - the clothes/hair, I mean, not the cutting - to have their 'niche'. No different than kids in the '60s wearing long hair, just cos they knew their parents wouldn't understand. Only one of the Emo kids I know actually cuts, and that's probably more cos she has a screwed up family.

The thing about how teenagers dress is that it's just them trying on stuff to find a place where they fit in more comfortably. It helps them get through their toughest years. If it helps, think of it this way: ten years from now, they'll be embarrassed to see pictures of how they used to dress.

My daughter was a cutter. Fortunately, with a week in the hospital, she finally talked about what was behind it. She got the help she needed. She's doing very well now. Usually there is something really bothering those people.

The good thing about the way it all happened is that I had to tell the school what had been going on there and they had to call some other girls' parents in and lay down the law. They changed some school policies.

Those same girls were not her friends for a year or two but some of them are again. Fortunately, this time, they are in better shape.

As a parent that would be so scary! How old is your daughter?

My D17 goes on a teen's forum site and gives advice (lol, like mother like daughter, huh?). Just last night someone was on there saying she cuts and her best friend was trying to make her quit, and she was accusing her friend of being a traitor! D17 and I talked about it, and she went on there and suggested that the girl try to take a long-term approach to it, to see that she couldn't possibly keep cutting her whole life, and wouldn't it make more sense to find another way to fix her problems? And also to consider that her best friend is, indeed, the one true friend she has, for wanting her to be safe. D17 thought she was doing good, right? This girl got back on and started trash talking to my D17 for her 'ignorance.' It's hard to work through some kids' walls and preconceived notions.

Cat, it's hard, but you know it helps. How wonderful to know that your DD is trying to help other children.
I take my DD to counseling now to hopefully give her the tools so that she will learn how to handle the stress of life, whether in high school, or when her father remarries.

Question: Are our children more stressed because we are divorced. or because those on this board put such an emphasis on recovery and healing and we see the hurt sooner?
I hear high school is far worse than when we were there, and we thought it was bad then.

My DD's saw a cutter a few years ago at a convenience store. I saw this girl and just gasped, and my DD's followed my eyes and saw the cuts on her arms. This was a beautiful girl and I wondered how bad she must have felt to do that to herself. I still tear up thinking about it.

I'm so glad we have this forum to help ourselves and our families deal with the stresses we all face.

Me too Newly...It's so nice to get outside opinions and encouragement when needed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

IMO, high school now is both great and terrible. D17 has all kinds of friends, from the druggies to the cutters to the jocks to the nerds, and in most of them I still see hope and fearlessness and courage and a LOT more knowledge and power (thanks to media) than we did growing up in the 70s. But with that, and the destruction of the nuclear family, I see a lot of purposelessness. If I could change anything in America, it would be to have never gotten rid of the Draft. IMO, that loss of respect, purpose, and humility has just about destroyed us, and these poor kids without parents like us (who are out seeking improvement and answers) are just floundering, not knowing why they're so driftless and amoral, and not knowing what to do about it.

But I love teenagers. I think they're our greatest strength. I read once about a charity that helped high school kids. They said they do that because they know a 16 year old, who learns about faith and morals and courage and strength, compares it against the hard life he's had, and then determines to never let his younger brothers and sisters fall through the cracks. He turns backward, to help them up, and the whole family wins.

I see kids like those cutters, and I want so badly to talk to their parents, but every time I try it ends in disaster. D17 is still suffering the fallout from one attempt H and I made 2 years ago to stop her then-best friend from being a stoner. Honestly, it was just one 5 minute conversation. But this girl has made my D's life ****** ever since. Luckily my D is strong enough to laugh it off.

Well, I say that, but she's in therapy to uncover her need to help people and be admired. Heck, who knows how to do it right? I sure don't.