I've been reading here for 6 weeks now and I know that a lot of people on here are giving great advice. So, I finally decided I better share my story as to why I'm here and see what needs to be done.

I have apparently been playing the part of a fool for the entire 12 years of my relationship (9.5 years of marriage) and I'm not sure where I go from here.

I supported my wife as she finished college, worked as a part-time teacher, and then as a failed realtor for a year. We had great times and she was my best friend in the world. I shared everything with her and could honestly feel like I could be myself around her. Life was incredible. We are both Christians and had finally found a church that we both loved.

After all of those years of having little money (I'm a teacher, afterall) she finally found a good/solid job here in town that allowed her to use her incredible organization skills. This was the first time in her life that she thought she was doing something important and that she was needed. She worked from 8-5 every day and was exhausted from the work.

* Story is from her point of view - this is just what I've been told *

Her boss was a 51-year-old who hit on her from the beginning. My wife was a very sexy 24-year-old who had a bit of a self-esteem problem despite me telling her how wonderful she was on an hourly basis. He fed her sob stories about how his marriage was miserable and that his wife didn't love him anymore.

In Feb 2002, he convinced her to go on a business trip with him and 3 other guys. This was a mandatory training for all employees, but my wife had told me that New Orleans was the only place she could go. It turns out there was one right nere in town, but she did not tell me that then. She says that nothing happened on that trip, but that things had been discussed that eventually led to the affair.

The physical affair started in May 2002 while I was working out of town as the head coach of our high school soccer team. Over the summer, she would give me excuses as to why she was going out while I was stuck at home working on my Master's classes. She would go out with him after business dinners and anytime while I was working. The big issue was that the reason I was working was for us. We did not have a whole lot of money and I was working to help us save to buy a house.

I trusted her completely with all of my heart. I have learned from my pastor and from here that trusting my wife is never a stupid thing to do. I just feel like such an idiot for allowing her to go places alone. I never possibly imagined that she could do something like this.

The physical affair ended, apparently, in May 2003 after my most successful season as a coach. In July 2003, we decided to try to have a baby. But the emotional affair continued. They went out for lunch on a daily basis and emailed and talked constanly. They wrote each other love notes and some sort of erotic fiction. After 4 years of marriage, I just assumed that the passion of our love life was waining and I thought that must have been natural. Who I thought was a wife disinterested in sex was actually extremely interested in it - just not with me. She says she had made out with him on multiple occasions and actually was intimate "about a dozen times".

In Feb 2004, she told me a lie to leave on a Saturday afternoon and snuck back out for one last hoorah. In April (she says - I forgot the month) 2004 she had a miscarriage at the hospital. At this point, I guess I should say that she did not use protection as he had a vasectomy and he told her that he had not had sex in years and was clean.

We got pregnant in May 2004 and our first son was born in Feb 2005. He actually does look just like me, which is a relief. She quit her job and has been a stay-at-home mom ever since. We had our second son in Sep 2006. During that time, she has said he has emailed her, but that they have wained in frequency. The last email he sent her was Sep 2007. She said the content of those emails was just to let her know how everyone's been doing at work. She says she stopped emailing him back.

She joined a women's Bible study in the fall of 2003 I guess to help her get her life back on the right track. After her little instance that next February she told her Bible study leader. That woman actually counseled her to never, ever let me know. She took that advice until the nightmares of her not being chosen by God became more and more frequent. She finally called our new pastor who told her that she had to tell me. That night, it all came out.

In my mind, I always knew something was going on. She'd come home from her Bible studies crying in my arms. She said it was nothing about me. Sometime in 2003, the OM's wife found a printed email and called my house to tell me. My wife picked up the phone and was chewed out by this lady. WW told me exactly who it was and why she called, but I refused to believe that it was real. We had the perfect marriage and I chalked it up to another woman having marital issues and getting mad over nothing. One night in the spring of 2004, I found a man's t-shirt in WW's truck. She said it was her dad's and she actually did use some of those as dust rags. So, I trusted her yet again, just like a good husband's supposed to do, right?

The night she told me, I thought I died. I was physically sick and did not eat or sleep for days. But the worst part was that she told me every lie in the book that night.

She lied about the number of times she made love to him. She lied about it not happening in our house. She lied when she told me it was only "a couple of months" instead of 21. She lied about using protection. She said that she thought confessing was good enough if she had just told me that it happened. Once she found at that the deceit was the worst part of it, all of the truths came out one by one.

Over the next 6 weeks, I have learned more than I ever wanted to. I stopped asking questions long ago, but she needs to get rid of all the deceit in her heart. Every day I go home from school dreading hearing the next saga in my perfect-wife-turned-evil story. I have now learned of who, what, when, and where. She has yet to tell me why and says she doesn't know.

I have now learned about things that happened before we were even going out. Had I known about the one-night-stands and multiple make-out partners during college, I would have never gone out with her in the first place. I was always very careful who I dated because I was always looking for a wife, not just someone to have a good time with. I am now faced with the fact that she lied to me to get me to marry her, lied to me to get me to give her a family, and now I'm supposed to pretend that it's all OK and give her the marriage that she now wants?

With the adive of our church leaders, we agreed to have WW call OM's wife and disclose the affair. As I listened in on the conversation, it turned out that she was not the evil wife to OM that WW thought she was. She was nice, gracious, and devastated. Together, they discussed the 7 other affairs he has had and all the lies that were told to my wife. The biggest issue for me was that, on the morning that I told her that we were going to make the phone call, she asked if I could send an email to OM to "warn him" about the upcoming call that night. She still cared for him! After 4 years, she still cared that he would not get hurt!

We now have each others email addresses and I have phone records of everything. I get the mail every day and she gives me a detailed account of every place she goes throughout the day. During my upcoming soccer season, she has agreed to go over to church member's houses or to have her mom or sister visit while I am out of town. This is going to be a miserable season for me. This is not the way I want to live the rest of life. Is this the way it's supposed to work? Am I supposed to be paranoid forever?

We have both read SAA and have taken the questionnaires. A lot of that book makes sense and we are using it as a guide to help build back trust. The one thing that I do not agree with, however, is that I helped cause this affair by not meeting a need of hers. The one topic that made the most sense to me in the book was during the last chapter when it said that we have to be careful to not allow others to make deposits to the point that we fall in love with them. Both WW and I tend to agree that that is what happened here. She allowed OM to make so many deposits because of all the time they spent together at work that eventually, he bacame to bigger love interest in her life over me. I was always there for her. Every need she put at the top of her list were things that I provided for her. She even agrees. She cannot come up with any need that I was not meeting of hers and does not know why she looked elsewhere to get those same needs. According to her, she saw a man in a powerful position in a miserable life and wanted to be there for him.

The roller coaster ride over the last six weeks has been amazing. I've had days where I feel like everything will be fine and work out and I have days where I feel like secretly packing up my stuff and driving somewhere for a long time. Some days I feel like holding her and helping her. Somedays I feel like yelling at her and then never talking to her again forever.

We've made love quite often over the last six weeks, but it is so hard to do. It's freeing for her, but it brings to mind horrible visions for me. I still wake up at 4:30 each morning after having nightmares about her.

I know things can eventually be better, but we can never be the perfect couple ever again. We can never honestly tell our children that we're the perfect married couple and have always been happy. I feel so weak every day. I think about the affair about every 30 seconds and I can't get it out of my mind. It's the first thought I have each morning and the last thought I have each night. I feel weak when I think that I'm not being a man for throwing her out on the streets, then I feel weak for not being strong enough to forgive her and be the husband that she needs.

Am I still being a fool? I know that she had to tell me about it and it would have been different if I discovered it on my own, but she's so smart and crafty that I don't know if this is just another well-timed play that will get her what she wants again.Maybe she was waiting until the family was so well-established that she knew I'd be too weak to leave her.

I hope this whole thing makes sense and that I'm not just rambling. What am I supposed to be thinking/doing right now and will it get better?

I would give a million dollars to be in the position you are in right now. My WW has is still violating "no contact".

Running is weak. Forgiving is what takes a strong person. Do not feel bad, but you need to work on YOU because your emotions could still destroy this if you (and her) cannot deal with them.

be thankfor you are where you are, cuz many of us are not. Work hard, read everything you can on this site, and do not give up. I'm not very good at advice, so hopefully others on here will help more.

Be strong.

Balin - would you like to talk about healing through Christ with another BS who has been in a similar situation (wife's affair was 6 years long) and who is now in a recovered marriage?

Recovery is not easy, but with the Lord's help it is not only possible, it will be accomplished.

God bless.

Balin...FH can be a great help to you. Do not assume you at at the truth yet. Consider having her take a polygraph exam so that at the very least you do not have to drag truth out of her for the next three years.

Also, a post nuptial agreement would be in order.

YOu are far from weak...you are displaying great strength.

I would guess based on my experience here that the polygraph would be your best bet right now. After...and I would only do this after...call the harley's and talk with them.

ForeverHers - Yes, I would like to talk about healing through Him. I know that He is the only reason I've even made it this far without doing something stupid. It's nice to know that it can be accomplished after a long-term A.

Btw, loved the "Love Island" poem. It actually did make my morning better.

MK and Balin - I apologize!! In no way did I intend to diminish your pain..... pain is something I understand all too well this morning. He stated that he felt weak for not throwing her out on the street, I only meant to encourage him that what he is trying to do (forgiving her) is far more noble, and difficult. Balin please know that I only meant encouragement...

What a total nightmare. Only you can decided what you wish to do. Clearly you both hopefully have been tested for STD's. You deserve so much more than this in your life. Your message indicates she still has feelings for him. In addition, she is sexually addicted. The chances are pretty good if she moves away later from religion she will go back to her previous activities. Your story is again such a nightmare. Again I don't mean to be such a downer but the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Your wife has had a broken moral compass for so long. I think you deserve so much better in your life but of course it is your call.

I very much doubt it.

It sounds as though your wife is in the process of repentence. I think the affair is OVER. Of course, you are still confused, hurt and unsure about the situation but you appear to be thoughtfully considering your options instead of REACTING (which is what fools do).

A fool wouldn't reach out for help from others either.

Welcome to MB. Despite the appearances we aren't a save your marriage at all costs website. Your wife has abused you for quite a long time. You have every moral and biblical right to divorce her yet there is a good chance you won't and there is a good chance you can build a wonderful REAL marriage better than any forementioned "perfect" marriage you've known to date.



You are not a weak man for wanting to save your marriage and family. It will take strength to save it and/or strength to leave it. The only "weak" option is to do nothing and bury your head in the sand acting as though it didn't really happen.



Perfect sense. You have been emotionally raped by your wife which has you confused, devastated and distraught. Just as repentence has been and is a (quite biblical) process she is going through...individual and marital recovery is a process as well that many of us here understand fully and have been through.


I will get better. This will very likely be the worst thing that EVERY happens to you in your life. It is THAT devastating. Someday...1 or 2 short years from now the birds will sing and life will get back to almost normal. There WILL be some scars that depending upon what you do FROM TODAY foreward will be really really lingering disfigurements or just minor nuisances/blemishes.

TODAY...you start healing. Applying a salve to your wounds by opening up and talking about them here on this board and perhaps with your wife.

YOU will make it.

Mr. Wondering

Sweetguy, what I got out of your post was that you were trying to tell me that working towards forgiveness was being strong. I was kind of shocked that anyone would give $$ to be in my shoes, but I didn't consider it rude.

Bryanp, your reply was not a downer, but something that i have been thinking about. It would be pretty easy to trust her after taking a poly test, but wouldn't that be one of the biggest LBs imaginable? There actually has not been any giant truths that have come out over the last 2 weeks - just some minor detail stuff that still kills me. I would like to think that the major stuff is all out there now as she is working towards her own forgiveness. However, there are still things that I am afraid of finding out and a poly would do the trick.

Mr. W, I am still just so confused as to when to apply the salve for healing. I tried doing that the first week after D-Day and it the wound was ripped back apart worse than before. I have tried and tried to start the healing process only to have more disgusting and horrible facts come out and hurt all over again. Now, I am so scared to even start the healing process. I'd rather her torture me all at once than to live in fear of how bad today's stab in the gut is going to feel.

IF your wife is not lying she should jump at the chance to ease your mind and take the test. The only people that have had a problem with doing so are the liars. BTW, 100% of the people on this site that have tested their spouses have found additional lies.

Sorry, Balin for the temporary thread/jack.

MEDC,

I seem to remember that you were in law enforcement in the Philly area ... if that is the case, would you care to visit my thread over in the Recovery section?

T/J over, with my apologies.

Balin
talk to your pastor and to other elder christain men( if you feel comfrotable ).. get the help of the church. seek couples counseling and individula counseling for eachof you. work on understanding your feelings and your situtaion. Unfaitful wives are MUCH more common that the media lets on. A LOT of husbands are in your position...there should be help for you in your church or some other christina church you trust.. STUDY the BIBLE...
Pray the bible.... seek counsel from recognized ministers like Hagey or charels stanley..
ask GOds help. God wants you to have a happy/holy marriage, and He will help you to get one..keep asking questions here on this website and seek other websites with a christian perspective..
God love you
jb

Balin - this is just my opinion, so you will have to decide the issue for yourself, but I am not a believer in polygraph tests. I know that it is advocated by many, but I don't think it's warranted with a truly repentant spouse who willing to answer your questions honestly and agrees to No Contact with the OP for the rest of her/his natural life.




And what "salve" would that be? From my perspective the only "salve" that works for believers is humble submission to His will. Perhaps you have something else in mind?





This is normal, Balin. I'm sure you'd both like it all to "be over" right now, but it won't work that way.

If you both want to start the healing process, begin with a commitment to submit your (both of you) will to the Lord's will even if you have having emotional reactions or feelings of not wanting too.

Even this process is not "easy" to initiate because adultery does very often cause one (both the BS and the WS) to call into question, doubt, and uncertainty everything you ever believed in. It is one area that Satan uses to attack one's relationship with God.

So to begin to heal the marriage, one must begin by working on healing each person's relationship with God.

Here is the one "watchword" that you will need to remind yourself of daily.....Patience. One day at a time, one step at a time, knowing that though the future is unknowable to you, it is KNOWN to God. Follow His leading through this "valley of the shadow of death" of your marriage.

So what sort of questions are foremost in your mind right now?

God bless.

I respect FH's view...but you will NEVER KNOW that you have gotten the truth without a polygraph. NEVER. And again...100% of the time I have seen them done they have uncovered many more lies and allowed true recovery to begin. How many months or years can be saved by getting to the truth immediately????

No argument with what MEDC posted about Lie Detectors, especially for anyone who does not place their faith in God. However, I fall in line with 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 for believers in Christ Jesus.

The healing, as well as the truth, lies with surrender to God in humble repentance. The "lie" is always first and foremost against God. That relationship is what needs to be rebuilt first and it begins with honesty to God, not to a polygrapher.

jmho.

God bless.

FH, I had this typed up once and lost it, so I'll try again.

There are so many questions that I have I just don't know where to start or how to phrase them.

How am I supposed to look back on my own life? I know I screwed up. I picked the wrong wife. I know that now. She knew that, had I known the truth about her, that I could never be with someone with her past. So she hid it from me. She had told me about her serious boyfriend in college and that was all. All the other stuff has come out only in the last few weeks. She lied to me to get me to marry her and when I asked, she had the audacity to say yes knowing that I had no idea who she even was. She tried to hide it for a long time, but her ugliness finally came out in the greatest sin of her life. The 12 years since I've known her have contained some of the happiest memories of my life. Now, they are all tainted. They are all fake. How do I look back on those knowing that she played me for a fool the entire time?

We have our 10th Anniversary coming up in July. I was planning on taking her away from the kids for the weekend and going to a nice hotel in Kansas City. What exactly will I be celebrating?

What happens if/when she falls back again? I cannot keep her on the road to God. That is between her and God. I can help guide her and remind her of His Word, but I cannot control her. She has to do that herself and she has one of the worst track records of doing that I've ever seen. I just can't help but think that it is only a matter of time before she forgets about her path with the Lord and looks one more time at satisfying her selfish indulgences.

I have always treasured making love to her but she has never let herself give me the passion I've desired. I've told her about that many times and she agrees that she can't. But, with her history of sexual addiction, how do I desire the one thing that she needs to run away from? She had no problem showing that sort of passion to anyone who craved it, but what about me? I know that sounds selfish on my part, but I'm her husband! Isn't it right to deserve ALL of her love? Is it right for me to even want the very thing that reminds her of her hideous past?

She is trying to be repentent and she swears that she has been forgiven by God over the last few years. She feels that she has been completing that forgiveness now. Luke 17:3 says that, if she is repentent, that I am to forgive her. But part of me is saying that she is just getting what she wants, yet again. After her college boyfriend broke up with her, she wanted some revenge sex. Got it. Then she got sick of that and wanted a good, serious relationship. Got it from me. She then wanted to be married. Got it. She then got bored and wanted to feel that forbidden passion again. Got it from OM. She then wanted a family and couldn't get it from OM. Got it from me. She now wants to be forgiven and move on with her life in the right direction. Do I just give that to her, too?

I know the Bible teaches forgiveness, but is that really what I'm supposed to do here? I'm never going to forget this. I know that about myself. I don't forget anything. My life now has a permanent scar from this and it is all because of the woman that I'm supposed to love again. How is that possible? How am I supposed to live my life not even knowing if my wife's clothes are on while I am at work?

I want so much to love her again and have the marriage in reality that I always had in my head. But it just seems like an impossible task sometimes. Like I said before, God has led me this far without reacting, but I am far from healed from this wound. She has no idea how much this hurts.

Is that enough questions for you? I have more if anyone's willing to start!

You can forgive her even if you decide to leave her.

I think that given the age of your children, you could try and make this work. Once you have the full truth...which you most likely do not have...calling the Harley's and getting a plan for recovery is going to benefit you.

Yes, she duped you...and you have every right to leave...in fact, it is probably the smart thing to do...but IF you think this has any chance of working, give it a shot and don't worry about her getting away with things.

Get the truth and then get a plan.

Balin - don't even think of apologizing or feeling sorry for what you are feeling and thinking. They are NORMAL. They are the results of the betrayal of adultery. Know this too, they are not fatal to you or to your marriage if you wish to recover from this mess.

EVERY Betrayed Spouse, imho, has had the same feelings and thoughts, so for now simply accept if you can that they are normal, but not final.

No one is going to tell you that you MUST forgive and stay married. Forgiveness is NOT an option, as you have rightly referenced, it is a command from God to you. We can talk more about that later, but for now let me ask you "the pivotal question:" DO you want to be married to or divorced from your wife?

It IS your choice, granted to you by Jesus.

Before you answer, know that either path is not easy.

So, what do YOU want? Let's start there, okay?

I want to be married to her.

Yes, despite all that she has done to me, I just feel that we can still be truly happy in the future. If she actually is the woman she is claiming to be now, then I could not do any better than her for my family. So, yes, I want to find a way to keep this together for now.

Last night, I made a demand of her that I think really hurt both of us. I was upset last night and I had to tell her why before we went to bed. I told her that I didn't believe the truth was all out there and I felt that I couldn't get closer to her while I was still waiting for the next bomb to go off. Second, I told her that she needed to talk to someone about her sexual addiction. She has been talking to people about the A, but not about her episodes in her past. Only she and I (and the other guys, I guess) know about her college past. I told her last night that I felt she had to face that past with someone and come to terms with it so that it doesn't happen again.

After she showed me such coldness after my remarks, I held her as she fell asleep and told her that, although I wasn't sorry for what I was feeling, I was sorry for telling her in that way. Why do I still hate seeing her hurt? Does that make any logical sense at all?