this I agree with

MEDC - why I laff (I am an odd duck and my mind does wander around)

What you wrote reminded me of something from the movie [color:"red"] Tootsie[/color]

Remember that one?

When Dustin Hoffman was disguised as a woman he befriended Jessica Lange"s character & the 2 of them had some 'girl talks'

Jessica's character said something like:

"I wish men would stop playing games and just come out and ask for what they want. I like you. I'd like to make love with you. Wouldn't that be refreshing?" (paraphrasing)

Later, Hoffman's character (now a man) meets Lange's character at a party ...

he pretty much approaches Lange in the way Lange said would be "refreshing" .... and Lange is highly insulted ..... (I think she pours her drink on him)

thereby furthering the idea that we woman are hard to figure out and even harder to please

LMAO

you poor men! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

School,

Yes, it's when you stop looking, is when you find someone. I met my ExH when I wasn't even interested in dating at the time.

Mimi,

Thanks so much for your kind words. Yeah I thought I was ready to venture out of my comfort zone, but I guess not. I guess sadly, I still love my ExH and I don't think anyone will work out for me right now.

I guess I did what I did...let him kiss me and recipricoate, because it's been so long, that I wanted to be felt worth something again. I wanted someone to pay attention to me. He complimented me. I think it was genuine, it felt nice. I guess I wanted that feeling again, it's been so long.

Yeah it was a learning experience. Now I know what not to do the next time. But right now I don't think I'm over ExH, even though we are D'd.

Friends, family tell me I'd be an idiot to ever take him back. They probably are right. But ya know what? If he called me right now and asked to come back, I would let him. I miss him. Gosh I sound so pathetic.

O.K. the pity party starts for a bit... Why do I have to go through all this [email]cr@p...dating[/email], match.com etc. when he had no problem adjusting to OW and forgetting about me? He didn't have to look for dates or date losers or whoever. He left me and moved on and in with her!

I can't believe he has been living with her 2 years already! I assume they are doing alright or he or she would have bailed by now. I had so hoped it would end and I would be a success story like Mimi or Melody or all the others whose WH's came back.

I had real high hopes that night of the date. Now I feel like I'm back to square one.

So yeah Mimi I came far until that date, now I feel like I'm right back to 2 years ago.

Cat

Don't date - you're not ready

MEDC,

I don't know - he ASKED to hold her hand. Sheesh. Nobody ever asked to hold my hand.

The clods just grabbed it!

He at least had the courtesy to ask. Give the guy a break!

Scorn is kinda harsh.


:::::::CATGIRL:::::::

Chalk it up as date #1, not so great.

So let's do some math.

6 billion people on earth.
about 3 billion are men, they are in the running.

about half of them would be out of the running for dating age.

1.5 billion left.

guesstimate about half are married (I'm making this up, people)

750 million left.

Throw out half of them because we can assume that at least half of them won't even ask to hold your hand, the cretins!

Since I'm really bad at math, that makes about sixty-leven bajillion left over.

Go date again, girl!!!!!

no break...he doesn't desrve one. I could ask a woman to do a lot of things on a first date. Doesn't matter IF she says yes...it doesn't change the fact that I wasn't being a gentleman.
I have no problem with him asking about the hand hold...beyond that, he stopped being a gentleman.

Catgirl,
Just take it slow. If you are going to go out on dates, maybe try going for coffee or lunch..for some reason, the pressure was off when I went on more casual dates after my divorce. It just seemed like daytime lunch dates or going for a coffee was always more comfortable for me and it helped me to ease my way into dating again. I let the guys know up front that I wasn't interested in anything serious/physical, just getting to know them. Set your own boundaries and only do what's comfortable for you.

If you don't feel ready, put off dating for awhile and let yourself continue to heal. The right guy will come along when it's time....my H came along when I least expected it....just take care of yourself in the meantime.

MEDC-
I agree. It is amazing how some people just assume that because you went on a date that you are willing to do SOMETHING with them. It is kind of crazy.

Catgirl- I agree with Pep. I do not think that you are ready to date yet.

You are a worthwhile person! You do not need someone to reinforce that!

Cat,

You are not an a$$ IMVHO, you are an admirable, brave Goddess.

You did something very scary,,,and although you are not 100% happy with the events, you Did it. Your first date.

Good for you. Now you can properly acess if you are really ready to date. Either way, you need to give yourself credit for facing this.

I totally understand the frustration of still giving darn about the Ex. As much as we do not want to care, we can not stop ourselves. It feels like we are allowing them to continue to control our lives, when they don't give a [email]d@mn[/email] about us.

The truth is that our caring/loving them only gives them control IF we LET it. It is ok to admit that we still love them- but is OUR choice if we let that control our lives.

I am in the same boat on that right now. It is hard. It is a struggle, but one we can get through and come out with OUR lives for OURSELES. It is just going to take time.

{Cat}

Thanks Bugs,

I wish I felt like a Goddess though.

You got D'd just a few months after me, so I'm sure you know how fresh the feelings still are.

I agree that I am still letting him control me, but I'm at the point where I don't know how else to handle it all.

My IC wanted me to move on... I tried with the date. Now I know I am not ready to date...so how do I move on?

My IC told me to start taking care of me...I joined a gym. I guess I like it. I'm becoming more involved with my kid's school and after school sports activities. It's depressing though as all the other people there helping out with the activities are married!

Now what?

I just can't help thinking about how ExH has moved on, he's obviously not thinking about me, he has his life in order, he got what he wanted, and I'm still sinking.

Found out he just went on yet another week long vacation with OW.

He's having a good time. I'm trying to, but it's just not working.

Sorry to sound so negative, but I'm trying to do what my IC tells me to do, yet I get no enjoyment out of it.

Kids are now giving me an attitude, not listening etc. It's becoming overwhelming.

Yes, I'm still on Ad's. Dr. just changed them the other day, so hopefully this new Rx will do me more good.

I give up!

Cat,

I don't have any advice, just wanted to let you know I can completely relate. I am over a year out from divorce and I still am not open to a relationship. I have done a tad of dating, a little more socializing and I still find myself waiting for ex to come around.

I am really dissecting why I would wait for him, how much time am I going to waste...

I think about what I want from a new relationship and I know that ex cannot provide any of those things, other than the fact that he is the father of my children, he has nothing to offer me.

Maybe we need a dating readiness program, I need a plan of action for falling out of love, time alone is not cutting it.

Hi CatGirl,

Maybe you should examine why:

Move on = dating

to you.

I think you should try to fall in love

with you. What would you have to do to feel love toward yourself?

PF

The only way I will accept the words 'I give up', is if you follow then with the words, 'I give it to God'.

You can't give up. You are TOO valuable to let this defeat you!

I am with you on so much of the struggle with the 'moving on'. Heck, my ex and the Ho are moving into their new house this weekend. Ouch! It hurts! And yes, it SEEMS like they are SOOOO happy.

Maybe they are. Maybe they aren't.

Does it matter? Not really. Not right now. He is still of the WS mentality. He has changed NOthing about himself or his life. If he walked in my door right now, as much as I love him, I could not take him as the man he is right now.

I stopped thinking in terms of 'moving on'. To me that means that I have to have no feelings for my Ex and that is not the case. I do still have love for him. One way I know that is because of the hurt/pain I still feel. But I have stopped living in those feelings of hurt and pain 24/7.


I am now thinking just in terms of living MY Life. Whatever that means. I am taking it slow. Filling it up a bit at a time.

Concentrate on you. Love yourself. Take care of yourself. Allow yourself to BE at whatever place YOU are comfortable. You are the one that lives in your own skin, nobody else has to be comfortable there,,, just you!

I completely understand Jean,

My IC told me the same thing. How much time are you going to let him control your life? Is that really fair to me, she says?

But I differ with you in that ExH can offer alot. Coming back would get my kids back on track. It would afford us the lives that we could have had. He makes good $$, and not that that is hugely important to me, I see what we could have had, what we could have given to our kids, and now I can't do that on my income and alimony.

Now he's giving it to the OW, and I guess that's what kills me.She's getting what was mine.

I pray everyday that his relationship with OW will end. I pray she will cheat on him and he will dump her etc, etc.

Prayers aren't being answered. They appear to be going strong. Living together 2 years already. I heard talk of an engagement a few months ago. Maybe they already are engaged, I don't know.

No, I do not want ExH and our relationship back, the way it was. I have changed, I wish he could see that.

I just think that even if his relationship did end with her, he wouldn't come back. He has too much pride, and would feel too much had happened to start again.

I think I am comfortable with him. I think the reason why I don't want to deal with dating etc, is I think no one will compare.

No he wasn't perfect, but I liked what we had, both intimately and otherwise.

I thought we would be together forever, not me having to start dating etc. again.

Pulp,

I don't know what I need to do to love me. I feel worthless right now. ExH leaves me for someone young enough to be his daughter. That doesn't make me feel very loved.

What was wrong with me? All those years and they meant nothing to him? He had no problem getting over me and tossing me away like a piece of trash. Why isn't he having a hard time getting over me like I am with him? He got over me in 3 weeks!

Bugs...

I'm tired of "giving it to God" I've stopped going to church. It does nothing for me anymore. I just sit there and do the actions. Why bother?

ExH isn't a God type person at all, and things are O.K for him. Why should I waste my time?

Sorry if this is so negative, it's just I am having a REAL bad day today...

This is going to come across as a bit rough.

Perhaps it is time to stop the pity party you seem to be having and do something about your situation.
Do you eat right. Exercise (btw, AD's are not really effective for most depressions...exercise is better). Do you get out with friends?
YOU need to take ownership of your life NOW. Your H is gone. Deal with it or continue to free fall. It really is a choice. More likely than not your ex is NEVER coming back. Plan your life with that in mind and stop worrying about what he is or isn't doing...that is not your concern right now. YOU need to only worry about YOU and your kids.

Why not choose to live a better life every single day. Make choices every single day that improve your view of life and of YOU. NOW.

2 x 4 over.

Catgirl, IMO, you are praying for the wrong things. Pray for yourself, and your children, that you can overcome and thrive in your new life. Pray for the strength to get thru another day. Pray for guidance on how to help your children thru this very trying time. Pray for the strength to let go of your exH. You live in a state of perpetual rejection when you continue to focus on your exH.

I believe we all understand your pain, and I want to thank you for sharing with us. What you are enduring is very difficult at best. The trick is to not compound that pain by clinging to the past. This doesn't mean you have to date . Where does it say to move on means to find another man/woman? Moving on means that you let go of the past, and get on with YOUR life.

This also takes a great deal of time, so give yourself a break. You are not perfect, and won't change overnight, HOWEVER, starting on the path to change today is your best bet. Find a daily affirmation, that will help you learn to truly love and value yourself. You are important, catgirl. You have children that are relying on you to guide them and help them find discipline. Focus on them; maybe that's your first step.

Though I am a long way from D, the process hasn't started yet as none of the paperwork has been filed.... I want to let go and move on.

I realized that I was in a very unhealthy relationship with my WH. Even if he came back and said he wanted to stay in the M, nothing he could do would make me happy. it never did.

The last 2 posts bu MDEC and silentlucidity are very helpful to me. I am at the point where I know I need to let go and move on and that I can't live in the past anymore. I am actually glad that I am realizing this before the D, it will make thinsg a little easier at least when the time does come to get the D.

Of course saying you want to let go and move on and actually doing it are 2 different things. I am trying to rebuild a new life with things that I want to do and you should do the same catgirl instead of hanging on to something that is not there.

Thanks for the 2x4 mdec, I felt like you were talking to me!

COUNT your BLESSINGS. I'm sure you have MANY..a lot to be THANKFUL for...Visit a children's ward at your local hospital. Visit a nursing home. Consider the children who are orphaned today..who lost both of their parents. You are BLESSED, Catgirl, with the ability to come here and sit at your computer..some pull up in their wheelchair..THE LORD HAS BLESSED YOU...THANK HIM...



You have the POWER to know and understand GOD'S WORKS? You have the POWER to know GOD'S PLAN for your life and your X's life? "EVIL WILL NOT PROSPER"..I CAN GUARANTEE YOU THAT!!

Don't be so sure that things are OK for anybody, catgirl, and don't hang your faith on anothers' beliefs or life. It's YOUR faith, your will, that will see you thru, not what your ExH believes.

I agree with Mimi, count those blessings, and you will find you have many. The cup can be half empty, if you choose it. This could be an opportunity for you to fluorish, to find your ZEN. Your happiness resides with you, and you can quash it, or choose to embrace it.

Dating too soon has shown you that you have much work to do on yourself, so why not choose to start today? You are your own worst enemy and your best advocate.

First order of business, write down, or at least think about, how you are blessed and what is GOOD in your life.