I really dont know how to cope with all of this. The anger he exhibits towards me is exhausting and I really have no idea what I have done wrong???
TODAYS COMMENTS FOR WH

'I have made it so he cant talk to anyone because I have told them about the A but no one knows what he has had to endure with me for the past 7 years'.

'I havent been real for 7 years and he hates that I put others before myself.'

'I never listen to what he says cause all he wanted from the start of this was space.'

'I need to stop listening and talking to others and only listen to him cause in 7 years I have never done that.'

Should I continue putting myself through this??? I love him and I so long to get my husband back the one I knew before the fog set in, but I am starting to question if I have been that way all these years???

I am considering telling him to take the job interstate and just getting on with my life. I am so afraid of life without him as he has been my world for so long.

Please someone tell me what I should I do??? I want my marriage but I am emotionally, physically and financially spent.

ATH

He is extremely foggy. I know it hurts to hear the babble he is throwing at you, but it's best if you can "not really listen" to it. There's a thread somewhere here on "reverse babble". Basically when he starts talking this dribble you respond with your own. I'll see if I can find it for you today.

Unfortunately, you are the only one who can make your decision. We can only guide you. Have you talked to him calmly and told him how painful it is to hear him speak to you like that? Have you told him how painful it is for him to have had an A? Have you told him that you want your M and you are willing to work at fixing things that need fixing?

Don't give up yet. This is going to take alot of time. Recovery from an A can be anywhere from 2-5 years. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Try to do something nice for yourself today. Recharge. Go out and do something fun. It'll help.

ATH
This is the thread on some reverse babble. I'm not sure this is for you at this point. You seem to be still very emotional and traumatized which is totally understandable. You might just want to get a feel for this and tuck it away in your arsenal for a later date. But I thought I'd post it just in case.

Reverse Babble

Bit here are a few more good posts about Plan A,fear, and boundaries. They might help you some.
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BE STILL BY ARK

Some of the most painful posts to read here ....is the confusion and turmoil of betrayed spouses....

those post D-day days weeks and sadly months in which so many things are left unanswered, unaddressed and emtpy...

be still.....

In our turmoil and chaos and the gnawing need to fix and address.....bs bring into their hearts more pain and crisis....

be still...

There was once a saying I read somewhere that went something like to really ever understand someone else we must crawl inside of them and feel the gentle beat of their heart....

easier probably for a BS to move a mountain than to grasp and work from that realm....

but be still...
each moment of stillness you can buy grab or gobble is a moment in which you are free from the pain and free from the fear..

fear of doing the wrong thing
fear of saying the wrong thing...

the goal is not marriage rebuilding at any cost...
the goal is guiding yourself to a place of stillness...no matter the outcome....

the anatomy of a WS is that they changed and molded their own thought processes so that they could engage in a affair....

they did this....
they did this....over time and in a way in which they can barely see the reality of this...but they did do it...

be still

it takes time.....

too many posts are from BS with unrealistic EXPECTATIONS which will harm you...

it is unrealistic to think that the thought processes needed to engage in such vile actions....vanishes over night

working through affair issues takes time...gobs and gobs of it...
and if you find yourself standing in a place of demanding change and specified responses, introspection, apologies, and instant change...

be still

for you are causing more grief that you need to burdon....

they did this...and they must undo this...

will they?
the truth is we don't know..
but to ever be a whole person again they darn well better...otherwise they carry their chaos on and on..and in the end no BS needs to burdon that.....

WS, though hard to see when they have used you as a weapon are very very damaged inside.....

they can not face that damage...and since that damage is YOU the BS...they often can not face you..

so they continue to waffle and wallow in the path that brought them to this place...

the way of rationalizing and justifying downright no two ways about it dispicable behavior acts....

force them to the face and process at once..
they will withdrawal
they will deny
they will retaliate

or even worse they will self destruct themselves....

be still....

don't force responses and actions and answers...be still and know that their non-responses , non actions and non answers ARE their answers....and you can hold them accountable to that

be still
and then make your moves....

ARK^^

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DO'S and Don'ts of Plan A By MrW


DO's

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP


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Plan A will not work for you if you go in to it with

ANY EXPECTATIONS

that you
will
should
could

get YOUR own EN's met....

that's is the formula for failure...

set up to fail by the BS....

I have said it a hundred times...

PLAN A must have a time frame for ending BEFORE it begins....

so that the person entering it...realizes that they will be giving and doing things that go against...

societies advice...drop em dump em slam em....

friends and family who love you and CAN NOT stand to see you hurt.....

and even your gut instincts....IT'S NOT FAIR... that I the BS do this when the WS doessn't deserve it...

again and again and again...

the deep seeded rationalization it takes for a person to engage in an affair...

is the complete compartimentalization of reality
and has been building in their thought long before the affair 'officially began"

you must
must
must...

be willing to accept that the BS has been mentally villified to
excuse
justify
and
rationalize affair actions.......

PLAN A is allll about and in my opinion....

opening up communication
in tiny tiny avenues

always giving the WS exactly what they don't EXPECT

this is NOT door matt behavior....but like PEP once BRILLIANTLY concluded...

a WELCOME HOME MATT
love that cerebral picture....

you know what exactly feeds in to the WS justification...

behaving in a way that gives them the weapon to aim at you...

PLAN A is not grandiose fix it now
PLAN A is not about addressing deep marital issues....
that is also set up to fail as the WS is in total
justification mode....

PLAN A is NOT long drawn out talks that go way in to the night.....

When you pick your end date...the FIRST step in plan A....

then you build a road map...of all the things you can do that get the WS attention...

small verbal interchanges
small gestures....

WS spouses are drawn to say that even when the affair relationship is failing.....
that there is too much damage done already to fix the marriage....

there is great fear in facing their actions.....
and forcing them to do so when they are in this mode is also setting up for failure...

push for the apologies...and woe to you who get it without true meaning because you will not have true remorse...

but remorse that will again become the weapon....

PLAN A is full of hope and NOT about fixing things in the marriage in that the WS needs to address...

THAT is what recovery is for...

PLAN A is never ever about getting a committment from the WS to do something....

again hand the weapon

you will hear...

you made me
you forced me
you controlled me....

PLAN A is about setting your boundaries....that are full of actions for the BS and NONE for the WS

in a good plan A you can say...

I didn't make you choose anything...
I just refuse to be part of a triangle...period...
you my dear WS will make your own choice as well....
and then add....
with a warm smile...
remember my love....
doing nothing is a choice as well......

People that do plan A well find great freedom and creativity in the doing and giving and meeting of ENs...

people that expect their needs to be met...
flounder and get crushed....

please please please use the board here to ground yourself in plan A....
digging deep for its short term actions........of great sacrifice.......knowing the payoff is down the line.....

NOT while in plan A....
never in plan A....

I could go on and on and on about this......

If you don't understand this...use this board....

ARK



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BUNDARIES BY MULAN

A boundary is not defined as "something I don't like."

A boundary is defined as "something I will defend no matter what."

A very common question is, "How do I enforce a boundary? How do I make my spouse stop lying, how do I make my spouse stop dating OP, how do I make my spouse start taking care of our family instead of someone else's?"

The answer is: You don't.

Trying to "make" people do the things listed above is not enforcing a boundary. It's control, it's manipulation, it's laying down demands, etc. etc. etc.

And none of it works.

The answer to the question, "How Do I Enforce A Boundary?" is virtually always the same:

You remove yourself from the situation. You stop allowing the boundary trespasser to have any access to you at all.

This is what's meant by, "You can't control others. You can only control yourself."

You can't "make" your spouse stop lying to you - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

You can't "make" your spouse stop dating OP - - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

You can't "make" your spouse take care of your family instead of someone else's - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

Get the idea now?

Boundaries are for *you*. They are to protect you from people who would do you harm. They are NOT about "making" others do anything. They are about protecting *YOU*.

Castle walls don't make the invaders stop their cruel and destructive attitudes - but they do protect you from their intrusion.

Boundaries are castle walls.

And as far as anger goes, you will find that good boundaries will make much of it go away. Good boundaries really do make RAGE dissipate, because anger + fear = rage. Good boundaries keep you safe, and when you are safe, fear goes away. You will certainly have some righteous anger left, sure, but the RAGE will fade away because there is no longer the fear hanging around to fuel it.

Make sense?

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ATH,

Hope these help some.

Thankyou for all your help M I really appreciate it.
I am still very emotional about the whole situation (I am quite an overly emotional person at the best of times). So for me this is really tough as I find it hard to separate myself from the drama without acting somewhat out of control.
The stuff about boundaries was very confronting for me. I knoe I have to start laying the foundations for these but I have no idea where to start??
When he speaks/treats me badly my reaction is of instant over reaction and I feel so totally out of control of the situation.

Wow this RB thing does work..... I am blind siding him most times. Some examples.....

WH 'Have you organised for that debt consolidator so we can get all the debts into one place so everything is easier?'
ME 'Yes I have a meeting with her tomorrow and I am going to get her to consolidate and then split in 2 and in separate names'.
WH 'Why would you do that?'
ME 'Why not?'

WH 'I am taking the job interstate and I am going without you!'
ME ' I think that would be best for all concerned'
WH totally blank expression on his face

WH 'Seeing as you want to know everthing about OW just so you know she is pregnant to her partner'
ME 'Gee you must feel terrible for being lied to it isnt a nice feeling is it?'

It is really hard to maintain composure during these exchanges. I am going to take the advice in one of the other threads to practice in front of the mirror.

Well the latest installment is a cracker....... it looks like he is going to take that job and he wants me to go with him.
I am not sure what I want to do??? Part of me really wants to go and give us a crack at working out our problems and another part of me is so scared he will let me down again and I will be stuck in another state with no support network.
I wont be able to go over straight away anyway as I have to give 4 weeks notice to work and someone has to organise all or stuff here and I guess that will all be left up to me.
I have put my faith in god during all of this and I feel he didnt want me to give up so I am praying now that he will give me the answer I need.

Are you moving closer or farther away from the OW?

I would also not be ok with those 4 weeks. That would be a hard boundary for me so early in recovery(?).

It's too early to give up, anyway. Lots could happen, both good and bad, but that doesn't necessarily mean you won't ultimately recover your marriage - there is a very good chance that you will.

ATH

I can't help but feel this is a good thing. Keep doing what you're doing. Show your strength.

No matter what you decide for your M, YOU will be ok.

Yes moving further away from the OW.

I dont have a choice about the 4 weeks I am in a very responsible position at work and it was part of the contract I signed when I came on board with the company.

I am trying to look at it as a good thing - I can fly over on the weekends and see him and he will NOT have anyway of contacting her. It will force him to realise where his bread is buttered!!!!

I spoke to my mum about it and she has said I should give it a shot and if it doesnt work out and I need to come home she will get me home if need be.

I am doing a lot of praying at the moment so that the Lord can help me make the right decision.

I have been trying to give an update but as the board has been down I have been in panic mode which isnt helping me right now.

I have moved back to the house and it is like living with a complete stranger. He is totally disconnected to everyone and everything.

We had lunch with a mutual friend on saturday and she knows everything but he WH has no idea she knows. She asked all the appropriate questions about this new job and he answered willingly and seemed enthusiastic but there were little things she noticed which she found really odd..... he was looking at his watch every 5 or 10 mins and he wasnt in anyway engageing me in the conversation where he always used to. He was doing enough that if she didnt know the full story she may have dismissed as we had an argument or something but she found him very odd.

Then yesterday we went to lunch with his mum and he was a total pig towards her. He didnt take his sunglasses off throughout lunch and whenever she tried to talk to him about this job, future plans, etc he completely shut her down. She called me later that night very distressed and doesnt think I should move over there with him that his behaviour is totally out of character and she thinks something is very wrong with him.

He has been very cold and distant towards me since I have been home and I have been walking on egg shells trying my best not to say or do the wrong thing. After not being at home for the past 4 months the thing I have noticed the most is he isnt sleeping, he is up and down all night and then sleeps for a big portion of the day....... I am scared he has depression. I had a conversation with a family friend who is a doctor and he believes that maybe the case because of the signs he is exhibiting but there isnt anything anyone can do until he admits it and asks for help.

He leaves for the new job next week so I am hoping that once he starts work (remember he has been unemployed for 6 mths) he will get some of his spark and motivation back.

The worst bit for me is I feel like he is almost using me to get everything sorted before he goes and once I get over there he will just cut me off. Then I have quit my job, left my family and friends and all I will have is him and his depression.

Any suggestions at this point would be greatly appreciated.