Well, had a discussion with her yesterday. She basically is saying she's still so hurt about what happened, she can't go through it again, right now. She always adds the right now, makes me want to roll my eyes. Let's give off mixed signals all the time, why don't we? Anyways, she's giving all the same "fog" excuses that was listed in one post on this site. She did say she was going to file when she got the money, told her to give it a few months to make sure this is what she wants, and if it's what she wants I won't stop her.

About the finances, I finally did put my foot down about that. I told her that the main time I hear from her anymore is when she wants something, food, money, or borrowing the truck. I said that I have no problem supporting her, but financially I can't right now, cause it feels like I'm not just supporting her, but him as well. Well you can guess the kind of reaction that gets, she get angry and everything, says I don't care about her, and I told her no, it's not that, I can support you any other way possible right now, and everyway possible if we work things out.

Anyways, in the long run, I found out her dark secret of the past, came out in a weird way though. I asked her if there was even a chance to work this out, and she said right now, no. There is that right now again *grr*. Anyways, I asked her why she was so scared of counseling, and she comes out and shares her secret, which wasn't exactly what I was after, you know. I thought basically she would say cause she doesn't want to get judged, but instead she opens up about her past. Anyways, I told her I meant marriage counseling, which would mainly focus on our current problems. Well, that was a no go in the long run.

Basically, the decision I've made in the long run, is to sit back and see what she does, not necessarily cut off all contact with her. Just email her about every 2 to 4 days, mention nothing of the marriage or impending divorce, and don't mention OM at all. Just act like a friend for now, see where it goes. I ordered HN,HN SAA and LB yesterday, hopefully they will come in soon. I did tell her what my boundaries were also, not sure if she understands them though. I'm still in plan A for now, or actually finally ending the begging stage and entering plan A from the looks of it. She knows exactly how many people know about A now, because she started work and several people I know have confronted her about it. She's pissed of course, but that's part of plan A, isn't it? Exposure

So here I am, uncertain as to what the future will hold. She apologized to me this morning about her feelings, which makes no sense to me. Why would she feel the need to apologize if she feels she's in the right? Of course, there's the point, if she doesn't love me, why does she claim she's still hurting? Anyways, enough pondering about that kind of stuff. I'm starting to get my appetite back finally, after losing 30 pounds. Also, I'm going out more and more lately, so it looks like I can get on with my life better than I thought. Don't get me wrong, I still love her and miss her, but realize I need to quit pushing. What happens happens, I might as well act civil at least. I'm still going to work on myself regardless of what happens. I figure, even if we don't work things out, what I learn I can take with me for the rest of my life.

Later for now,
sledeen

sledeen, I am so very proud of you! I know this isn't easy, that your first instinct is to follow her around and beg her to come back. But you've come to realize that would hurt both of you. Now, you are allowing both of you to mature, sort things out, suffer your own consequences, and just generally develop into better people. Well done!

btw, since you've lost 30 pounds, are you helping tone that new body by getting a little exercise? I recommend going walking - it tones the body slowly and gives you time to think. Even better if you can find someone else to walk with. That's when I get the most productive talks with my D17.

Keep it up!

I've actually thought about seeing about getting a membership at the community center and working out 2 to 3 times a week. Walking does help also, except I've got to find a different route to take. If I walk out to the local college it takes me right past them. So I figure I'll walk the opposite direction to a park on the opposite side of town. Been thinking about taking the dogs for longer walks as soon as the weather warms up a bit more.

I'm not just sitting back and doing nothing anymore. Even after the discussion the other night with WS, I went out with my brother, his gf and an old friend of mine bowling. I didn't actually get in till about 4:30 in the morning, but had a lot of fun at the same time. Started making more and more plans with the few friends I have left, but hey, I can't stay cooped up forever right? I let this control me long enough.

Only contact I had with her since the talk was an email from her apologizing for her feelings, which I still think is strange. I also replied back to her, nothing big, but apologized for things getting heated, told her I'm alright after talking with some friends, and take care. No mention of feelings or anything. I still love her and care about her, just don't see the point in pushing it right now. Today was actually one of the easiest days I've had in awhile. Don't get me wrong, I still hit my low points, but they weren't nearly as bad as they have been. Anyways, I got to go for now, I have work in the morning, so bed is calling my name.

Later,
Sledeen

I think I've pretty much figured out why WS has done what she has. She's felt so neglected and put down for so long, she's hurt, and when OM entered the picture, it made her feel wanted again. We've been through this scenario where one of us leaves for a bit several times before, and she says I haven't listened to what she really has said, and just reverted everytime. She's tired of trying, feels like she's given everything and hasn't gotten anything in return. Basically, she's scared that we will just go through the same routine again. I can't say I blame her based on the past, just trying to figure out how to show her things can be better between us.
I'm still waiting on the books to arrive, they should be here in the next couple days. In the meantime, I've only sent a couple friendly emails to her, nothing mentioned of divorce, marriage or the A. I've also made a few plans for this weekend with a friend and my brother, so at least I won't be sitting around the apartment all weekend. I still miss her, but am not begging anymore, though it takes a lot of will power to keep from doing so. She keeps saying it's too late, even though everyone knows it's never too late. I may be in a bit of a pickle though, cause it's beginning to look like one of her top 5 EN is financial support. Only way I can figure out a way around that is when she asks for money for food, take her out eat instead. Everything else kinda goes against plan A.
I'll just have to sit back and continue what I'm doing, minimal contact until the books arrive, and be supportive when she calls or comes around. Problem is, her cell phone got shut off, cause she bounced the check to pay it, cause her bank account is so far overdrawn and overdue, the bank is about ready to close it and refer it to collection agency. Sounds like work isn't going so well for her either, because she isn't able to keep up with her quota and quality. The place she started working at tends to let go of people pretty fast when that happens.
As far as I go, work is going alright. Daily life is getting easier, though I still have my weak moments. I'm starting to sort through things, just in case things don't work out. She hasn't moved all of her stuff out yet, hasn't even changed her mailing address, which makes a lot of people think she's just going to use me like a safety net of sorts if things don't work out with OM. I hate to feel secondary, but at the same time, it would give me a chance. I don't know anymore. I'm about to the point she comes back, great, if not, I know it's not the end of the world, but I will still love her and miss her.
Sledeen

Figures, today I get the books in and started reading SAA. I'm about a quarter of the way through it already, and it pretty much sounds like everything that has went on so far between WS and I. Then I get back to work, and that's when all the drama starts. Yes folks, these ARE the Days Of Our Lives.

My WS and OM were arrested today for receiving stolen property. Knowing background of OM, it's not much of a stretch for him to be involved, but WS never has been in trouble before. So, what happens, but of course, she calls her sister in tears asking her to get ahold of me and/or her grandma. Her sister works in the same building I do, so she tells me what's going on, and I'm like, great, rock and a hard place. Do I let her sit in jail, or do I bail her out. Well, I decide to see what her family does first. Her family is scrambling around trying to find money for bail, trying to decide if they should even bail her out. Well of course, yet again, what happens? They come to me, asking me to put up the money and collateral. I forsee one of two possibilities here and I'm not sure which way to go. One way helps her out, probably tremendously from the sounds of things. The other I am made out to look like a fool. Well, since her family asked, and I know most likely she was pretty much played for a fool by OM, I'm going to do it. I just hope it's not something I regret in the long run.

So that leaves certain arrangements to be made. Obviously she won't be able to stay at OM's house anymore, cause of court and all. So that leaves a couple options, either she moves back with her family or she stays here. Right now, the way things have been going, I'm not sure if it's a good idea for her to stay here or not, seeing how we really haven't worked anything out. I'm sure this will open up her eyes to what kind of person OM is, but that still doesn't resolve the issues between us, ya know? I'll still be there for her, talk with her and try to support her the best I can, but it's up to her if she comes back or not. That also leaves the other issue at hand, all the stuff she does have at OM house, mainly clothes. Obviously, the kind of guy OM is, he won't want me going over there, so I made arrangements with her sister to have her pick up everything.

It's a twisted web right now, and I'm not sure where our marriage is going to come out in the wash. Everyone tried warning her what kinds of things could happen if she stayed with OM, but she wouldn't listen to anybody. Would this possibly be the proverbial rock bottom so many people speak of? I just hope she learns from this. Everyone in her family pretty much agrees with me, even if WS and I don't work things out, she needs to stay away from OM. Why then, do I get an uneasy feeling about this?

Sledeen

Uh, yeah! Given every single thing you've described about her, except for saying she worries about your feelings, shows an immature, selfish, spoiled child. Why would she not use you? It's what she does.

I'm sorry to be harsh on the woman you love, but if you really wanted her to turn out better, to improve, you'd quit helping her. Honestly, sledeen, I think every single person who has posted here has told you the same thing. Doesn't that tell you that helping her probably is really hurting her?

sledeen, right now, this is none of your business. I wish you could see that. She has chosen her path and you need to stop being her fallback, because, like an addict, all you're doing is perpetuating her waywardness. If you really loved her, you would do the tough love she needs and stop propping her up.

Please stay away from her for a few months. Please. Let her family deal with her. Let them worry about her clothes. In fact, take the clothes at your place over to her parents'. You have got to send a message that this isn't the person you want to be back with.

I think you're confusing Plan A. With a normal situation, being nice and being there for her would help keep her feelings for you. But in her situation, it just tells her she still gets to keep being a spoiled brat. Time for Plan B.

I think you need to identify YOUR areas of responsibility. What part of this is YOUR STUFF to deal with? Honestly, not alot of it, but I understand you wanting to help her.

This is why understanding the MB plans and where you are within them is so important, because it allows the plans to act as a guide when you don't know what to do. However, I don't think bailing WS out of jail for trouble incurred with OM falls into any of the plans! I probably wouldn't let my WW sit too long in jail either, but I wouldn't be in a big hurry either. I'd give her family some more time to come up with bail money. Maybe if they haven't by evening or something I'd suggest considering bailing her out, but you might take the opportunity to talk to her first, nothing like a "captive audience" eh?