However the OM was a bit vague as well, being that it was 10+ years ago. I want to believe my wife, she seems very sincere. Honestly I can't imagine scheduling a polygraph test. If she is telling the truth as she remembers it, I think she would resent me for even thinking about something like that. I think at this point after 5 very tough months, she knows I want to be with her, so I hope she would be comfortable in telling me everything.

And I think they aren't actually very accurate for something that happened so long ago as the details in your own mind are typically very fuzzy.

She knowns that I have been having a couple of pretty rough days. She has actually found this thread a couple of weeks ago and read through it, and she has talked about getting on here and replying.

Sigh. I just can't seem to get it through her head that honesty is the thing that is most important to me at this point.

Last night I was basically questioning if she had been faithful to me since we had been married and I think that was really upsetting to her. I told her I don't feel like she's being honest about the indiscretion before we were married, which is making me wonder if she has really been faithful to me since then. It made me think back to last fall when she said she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be with me. She went almost two weeks before she would say “Yes, I know I want to be with you”. Classic sign of an affair, right?

She was out of town overnight on business, so I decided to look at her cell phone records for the last few months. Found a couple of suspicious things- Around the time of her “not being sure”, there was a 5 minute phone call to a co-worker of hers that she had been social with in the past. The call was after working hours. When I asked her about it, she said that she had a meeting with him and others the next day and probably called him to verify some stuff (keep in mind this was last September so her memory was sketchy, but she had her planner from last year in front of her to verify the meeting). I asked why she didn’t use her work cell phone, and she said it must have been dead. This is all quite possibly true, and I didn’t find repeated calls to him, so it’s hard to make any negative conclusion. I certainly don’t have access to her work phone records, so there’s not much I can do there.

I've been bugging her relentlessly because I didn't believe it was just about being drunk, there must be more. She finally said okay, I was attracted to him, he had a nice body. I've asked her several times directly if she was physically attracted to him, she always said no. So it took 5 months for this to come out. The thing that ticks me off about it is that she always made it known that she wasn't into jock type guys, show offs, etc, and that type of display actually turned her off... but the first time she "noticed" him was when he was showing off doing pull ups or something in their friends dorm room... (at a different time). I don't get it, but at least there is more reason now. Of course now I'll be more self conscious about my looks, but I guess that's the consequences.

Unfortunately with her leaking out info like that, it makes it impossible for me to sort out what really happened because I don't know what the f%$^ to believe. It's so frustrating. I don't want her going through life knowing that she lied to me to "protect me".

As of right now, the things that are running through my mind:

- Was she more physically attracted to him than me and wondered what she was missing out on? I think so. Did she think she could get a hotter guy and felt like she was settling for me? Maybe that's why she suggested me not moving to Iowa with her right away right after school. I never took her to be a shallow person and this would really hurt. She was always into me (so I thought) for my personality and values, and I may not be Matt Daemon but I’m not too bad looking of a guy.

- Was she really actually "drunk", or maybe she just had a couple of drinks and that allowed her to have an excuse. I'm wondering if they were even drinking, or if it would have happened even if they hadn't been. She says no. Was it more about him being hot than her being drunk?

- Was there more going on before this happened from a flirting etc standpoint. Even worse, more than one encounter?

- I feel like it did start in the other room, in fact I have strong feelings of this. She denies it very much and said there were no ulterior motives in going down to her room alone with him other than to watch TV.

- She says although she did probably want to have sex at some point in the night, at the time of actually starting the act she did not want to but didn't want to say no. My feeling is that she never wanted to stop it, but probably felt guilty afterwards.

- Would it have mattered if she was my first sexual partner? I think she would have been in the same situation and that would have been a big problem for me (if we had been each others "only" and she had ruined that with this)

- AND last but not least, was there an emotional or physical affair last summer/fall???????????? This is a new worry for me now.

I know what some of you are going to say - Do these details change if you want to be with her or not. The answer is no. At one time in my postings, I said yes, but I have realized that I love her and don't want to be with anyone else. HOWEVER, it's all about the honesty to me. Will she continue to go through life and "protect" me from things I "don't need to know"???

I have asked her to check out this website and reply to my thread, hoping that people may stress her to tell me the truth. She is afraid that she will get berated. I told her that won't happen. If she wanted, she could start a new thread on General Questions II and I bet she would get a lot of help and support.

I am so sorry for you. This is the problem with the trickle down of truth theory. It is a type of mind torture. She has destroyed her credibility in your eyes. She has made a huge mistake. You now know if you keep asking question after question she will finally break and give you another truthful answer. Clearly she does not want the questioning to continue but her actions encourages your questioning. If she had been honest from the start it would have been done with by now.

The result in all of this is that you now know she has the ability to lie to you about certain things. You therefore now believe if she can lie to you about this then she can lie to you about other things. She told you she did not want to be with you a while back and now it feeds your suspicions of other improper behavior. I understand where you are coming from. I wish I had some advise but I have none. You know her desire to "protect you" allows her to not tell you the truth about things so the result is that she now has no credibility in your eyes when she tells anything.

I'm sorry, but I tend to feel that just about anything people do before they are 25 should just be excised from the records. The mind of a 22 year old is very much like the mind of a 17 year old, and we know they are full of impulse decisions and lack of foresight.

I also feel that no one should get married before age 25 because the things that you think you want at 22 can be widely different from what you consider important at 27. You still have mommy/daddy ties, you have no experience against which to compare your beliefs, you're still full of teenage romantic notions that don't stand up against the real world...

I just think that (1) you are blowing this way out of proportion, considering you've had over 10 years of loving devotion from this woman who obviously hasn't spent that time pining away for other men; (2) it is not only human nature to wonder what it would be like with other people, I actually recommend that people don't go straight into marriage with their first or second or even third main romance because human nature dictates that they WILL wonder what they gave up, at some point; and (3) 'bugging her relentlessly' is a really good way to get rid of your wife. Is that what you want? Is she tainted now?

If that's what you think, you might want to do some serious soul-searching over what you think people are. Your wife was not Sister Teresa, she was a human being who had never had a chance to experience dating, flirting, even sex because she spent all her time with you. I'm not trying to be rude to you, just to get you to realize that your expectations are unrealistic. Noble, maybe, but unrealistic. And she will not likely spend the next 40 years with you if you have to hold that over her head.

Catperson:

I do agree with 99% of what you are saying, however -

I won't / don't think she is "tainted". What I have a problem with is the covering it up and will it continue over the rest of our lives on other issues. Maybe none of what happened matters, and I'm starting to realize that. But I do believe I deserve the truth.

Well, I did contact a local polygraph tester. We exchanged a few emails and it sounds like the process is pretty simple and the cost is around $300. He thinks I can clear up most of my questions, probably. I have brought it up a couple of times to my wife, and although she recluctantly agreed, she certainly was not happy about it. When I asked her why she was upset about it, she said she thinks she would feel horrible and maybe even get sick. I think she would probably hate me if I asked her to go through with it. She thinks that I won't "accept" the answers, even if they come out truthful.

I tried to put myself in her shoes, and that only confused me more. If it was me, I would probably jump at the chance to prove that I was telling the truth and make my spouse who was going crazy feel better. But I guess everyone is different. I can see why someone might be insulted to be asked to take one.

I feel pretty bad for even bringing it up. I don't want her to take the test if she is forever going to hate me for it.

Also I will add that a lot of questions can't be asked, such as intent, if she "wanted" to do it at the end or not, etc..... they have to be very specific objective questions.

I think her reasoning is probably more along the lines of given how obsessed you've been over this, to what extent are you going to change everything in your relationship once this line has been crossed? That's what I'd be expecting from you. You keep telling us it's not a deal-breaker, yet you don't let it go. Your words aren't fitting your actions. And while I don't blame you for your feelings, you have every right to them, I think you're NOT seeing it from her side.

You guys remind me of a 10 year old who doesn't tell her mom she broke Grandpa's ashes vase when she was throwing a ball in the living room, out of fear of repercussions. Once she finally tells, it becomes all about her morality instead of being about her stupid act. Completely changes the dynamics of the relationship between mother and daughter, and convinces the daughter to shut down and erect a barrier ('No way am I every telling her the truth again!')

I'm not trying to say what she did wasn't hurtful to you, just that I wish you could step back and see this for the lone, stupid act that it was and not ruin her relationship with you over it. I'll repeat, this is something a young, impetuous adult did, practically a different creature from the woman you're married to now. Is this going to be the defining act of your 50-60 years together? A life filled with births, deaths, hardships, triumphs, outside events that could move your family in ways unseen? I hope not.

I understand what you are saying. I just know if I were in her shoes, I would be doing things a lot different to try to win back my respect and trust. If she would have jumped at the chance to "take the test", I would have never actually taken her up on it, the fact that she was willing to prove her honesty would have been enough.

I guess it doesn't matter anymore. Someone very early on told me that if my therapist said something like "just get over it", to move on and find another therapist. I feel like that's what I'm being told regardless of my feelings. All I've ever wanted is for her to be happy, so I guess I should just drop it and make that my goal.

The problem was that your wife was not honest and has continued for a long time with the trickle down theory of truthtelling. The reason you are obsessed is because of her lack of honesty and continuing spinning of the truth.

I agree with you that your wife should be thrilled at the chance to eliminate some of your pain so you can move on knowing you now know the complete truth. I think her hesitation indicates that maybe she has still not told you the full truth.
Why don't you make a promise that you will accept the findings of the polygraph either way. For $300 this is pretty cheap for your piece of mind wouldn't you say? I think this is the only way you will feel satisfied. There have been other members in the past who have used the polygraph and it is quite interesting what happens. Most of the time right before the test the night before they come clean with the spouse about things they just remembered. I think you should be prepared for this. I wish you luck.

I would have no problem making that promise. On the other hand, if I have her take the test and she passes with flying colors, will she always be mad at me? I dunno. If I was her, I would not be mad. I would jump at any chance to earn some trust back. But we are two different people.

I'm not telling you to drop it. I'm telling you to consider the possibility that her not telling you has nothing to do with her being a shady character and possibly more to do with her perceived unpleasant interactions with you. Have you asked her how she feels when she has to tell you bad news? Whether she feels like an equal partner in all things and that you value her opinion or just want her to agree with yours? Has she ever tried to tell you something in the past and you have shut down the conversation and steamrolled your beliefs and she gave up?

I'm not saying you are doing ANY of this. I'm just saying you're on here making all kinds of suppositions about why she is or isn't being truthful, and we're not hearing any of her side. People are conditioned. Living with you for 10 years has conditioned her to react to you in a certain way, just as you've been conditioned to react to her. It's not fair for you to (1) assume she's less moral than you because of this one incident and her not jumping to take a lie detector test, and (2) make a decision moving forward that doesn't involve honest dialogue between you.

For instance, when I hurt myself, my husband gets mad! Deep down, if I stopped to think about it, I know he's secretly mad at HIMSELF for not protecting me at all times. But externally, he doesn't get mad at himself - he gets mad at me! So guess what? Whenever I slip and fall, or otherwise hurt myself, I don't share that with him because I don't want to experience his anger. I have been conditioned to know what his response will be, and choose to shut down and not share that part of my life with him. More's the pity, but there it is. We've discussed it, he knows it, but he still does the same thing. And I withhold.

Your wife has now been conditioned that when she makes herself vulnerable, and shares her deep dark secret with you, it becomes ALL about you. And all about how untrustworthy and hurtful she now is, whereas yesterday, you loved her and thought she walked on water (you get the idea). What has she learned? To shut down and no longer be honest with you.

And fwiw, you are NOT in her shoes. That is unfair and condescending for you to hold her to your own guidelines. If I were her, by this time, had you brought up a lie detector test, I would have taken the machine and dropped it on your foot. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm hitting you over the head with a 2x4, but you keep making all these generalizations about what she should have done, or should be doing, but it's all about you. You make this magnanimous offer to 'let' her take a test - shhh, but not really, see how above the fray I really am, that I wouldn't really make her take it, let's all pat me on the back - and then step back to see if she fails the real test - being humble enough and groveling for forgiveness enough to pass your make-it-up-to-me assessment.

If you can't see that you're doing that, fine. Go ahead and hold this resentment and pity party for the next 20-30 years. See how much more she shuts down after being tried and judged by you.

I never said she was a “shady character”. In fact, she’s the total opposite. What goes through my mind is that she is sugarcoating the truth in order for it to have less impact. Don’t I deserve to know the whole truth in order to come to terms with what happened?


Who wouldn’t feel bad when you have to tell someone you love bad news? I think the worst news is over, she told me she had sex with another guy while she had my ring on her finger after almost 3 years of awesome dating. To answer your question though, yes, my opinions and beliefs have carried more weight in our relationship in the past, partly because I am bullheaded and partly because she has always let me take the reigns and take care of her. I can assure you we are both working on this however, and I am not blind to it. Not sure how it applies here though. I’m just asking for the truth. The tough part is, she very well may be giving me the truth, but how do I know it after finding out something that I never thought possible after being with her for so long? I didn’t think she had the ability to lie to me.


I have asked her to come on to this thread to comment, and/or start her own thread as it would help people help us if they could hear both sides. I believe one of the reasons this has gone on so long is because I don’t feel like she is doing enough to earn back my trust. There are a few things I have asked her to do (such as commenting on this thread) for a long time, and it just doesn’t happen. Honestly it makes me FEEL like helping me get through this is a priority for her. Having said that, I KNOW that isn’t the case, I know it is a priority, and I know she is trying in her own way.


I do not assume she is less moral than me. In fact, it’s likely that overall it’s just the opposite…. I just know in my mind, if I was trying to prove myself honest after I did something dishonest (even if it was a long time ago), I would be happy to do any means necessary to prove I was being honest. And I guess I’m not sure what you mean by (2). I hope we are honest from here on out.


I understand what you are saying, and we do have some of this going on, and I am actively trying to change my actions so she doesn’t feel that way. It will take time.


Well, to be fair, she did tell me she had a one night stand with another guy while we were engaged. Was I supposed to jump for joy? I have always been a very sentimental type guy and held fidelity VERY high on my priority list. Was I always perfect? No. I screwed up some high school relationships. However once I had chosen a life partner, and she had chosen me, I certainly didn’t expect this to happen. In fact one of the (many) reasons I wanted to be with her is because she made me feel SO secure in myself and us that I didn’t even think this was possible. She wasn’t even interested in such things.


Really? I guess I just don’t get that part. If a person is really telling the truth even though they have done something that might make a loved one question their honesty, why wouldn’t they want to prove it? I said I probably wouldn’t have made her take it if she jumped on it, but maybe I would have. I dunno. That didn’t happen so I can’t say for sure. So yeah, maybe I am looking for some sympathy, groveling, etc etc… but is that so wrong? Maybe so… but the information you don’t have in making that assessment is how HAS she been acting since she told me.

HC, I'm really not trying to be rude to you, although I'm sure it may feel that way. I'm trying to get you to see a different viewpoint from yours. I venture that she is coming to this from the viewpoint of someone who has spent the last umpteen years stifling what she thinks, agreeing with what she doesn't agree with, and carrying a facade, based on those interactions we both agree on (your bullheaded part and her acquiescent part). It's just what people do, who are paired with someone who takes charge - they stifle themselves, and they adapt their actions, even the amount of disclosure they provide, based on their perception of how you will react. It applies here, because she has been conditioned over the years to carefully craft how she interacts with you. And now that she has told you the awful truth, and you are admittedly obsessing over it, you have proved to her exactly why she never told you in the first place - you are obsessing over it.

If I broke my H's beloved Olympic statue, I would probably think twice before admitting it, because I know he would throw it at me every fight for the next 20 years, fair or not. Yeah, I broke it, but do I deserve to become 'less than' him now and for perpetuity? He broke one of the two most important things in my life, and he didn't even apologize out loud. It broke my heart, but I didn't scold him and I never brought it up again, because I realized it was an accident. He tells me everything he does, good or bad, because I don't do a character assassination of him for the bad. See where the safety comes in?

I'll reiterate what I think I said before. What someone does in high school, even college, shouldn't even be held against them, because people that age - most people - just aren't fully formed yet. They're still kids, still working out the kinks of who they are morally and mentally. They have their parents' belief system, but they're stretching to try out their spin on it, and there's FOO stuff influencing their actions, and they're still caught up in peer pressure, and all the heady stuff 20 year olds go through, like who am I, am I going to storm the world, is this all there is, is this what I really want, I have freedom now so what do I do with it...Some people are prematurely old - they know what they want out of life and there's never a mis-step or a question. I'm guessing you were one of those people. The rest of us schleps haven't got a clue who we are, how far away we want to get from our parents' rules and beliefs, what we want to do, how far we're willing to test our boundaries. We just aren't that disciplined. It takes many years of living to get a grip on all that.

I'm suggesting that your wife was one of those people. She enjoyed being engaged to you, looked forward to marrying you, and yet...had doubts like most of us do. What if this is it? What if I never get to flirt again? What if no other man ever looks at me and is desirous? Is that all I'm supposed to want? I've just got to know if I'm doing the right thing. So she tried, and discovered, yes, you WERE all she wanted. And left it at that.

But then, after marrying you, and realizing that when she brought up her own feelings, she got overlooked, over-ridden, slighted, maybe even questioned or ridiculed. So she learned, once she was married and there was no other outlet, that the best way to get along was to go along. Maybe she thought about telling you from time to time, but then saw how you dismissed her opinion, or closed down a discussion, or even criticized her. After a couple years, she probably thought, "Yep, about what I thought. Not gonna bring it up, I'll only get raked over the coals."

Time went on, for whatever reason she finally felt secure enough in your relationship that she felt she could tell you and you wouldn't go beserk. And was wrong. So, once again, she's left feeling, "Yep, about what I thought. Not gonna open myself up to any more emotion on this subject. He had his chance, and he proved to me that it's gonna be all about him, and not about me. Once again, I'm not important. So, fine."

I may be wrong, but based on how and what you write, what I've learned about people, I'm pretty sure she just plain doesn't trust you any more. At least not on this subject. If you're not willing to see how she's reacting to how you're reacting , I don't think you're going to get resolution. In fact, it probably will become the one sticking point in your marriage, if you don't take this to a marriage counselor or other mediator.

Well, this may be a bit overstated. Yes, she has probably stifled herself based on our personalities somewhat, but she still has spoken her mind in times when she has felt strongly about something. I'm not THAT overpowering. As for the second part, she didn't tell me because she didn't want me to be upset. Who wouldn't be upset??? She had sex with another guy while we were engaged. You act like this is something that has happened to everyone and I am over reacting.


Yes, I get your point. However, she broke her loyalty to me, and my trust. It's not a material possesion. Does he still feel responsible for what he did to you? If you don't scold him and don't bring it up, how does he know it was important to you?


Yeah, I let this one slide last time because I didn't really want to get into it. I can accept that she made a mistake. God knows I have made plenty in my life, and continue to do so. However, the part that hurts is that she wanted to make this mistake. We were soul mates. She shouldn't have been tempted by some guy she wasn't even into emotionally. That's the kind of person she was.... being physical with someone was a result of love and affection, not the other way around. Casual sex wasn't in her vocabulary.


I may have been prematurely old as far as relationships go, but I wouldn't say I was smart by any means. But I did know that I wanted her, and that's why I asked her to marry me before she went off to that last year of school. She didn't have to accept.


When you put it that way it doesn't sound so bad. Can I live with it? I dunno.


Well, yeah, umm.... OF COURSE you're going to get raked over the coals for cheating. Why wouldn't you?


Well, isn't it about me and what I need to feel better? When she first told me, you know what? I thought I would be over it in a few days. But she told me and then basically acted like it shouldn't matter to me at ALL. If she had acted remorseful, deeply sorry, etc right off the bat, I think I never would have even brought this subject here. But she didn't. It took weeks for her to start acting that way, and even then I felt like it wasn't enough. I read something in one of the other groups that said something like "The amount of time a BS needs to get over chating is directly controlled by how the FWS handles the situation".


Kinda ironic that she doesn't trust me. I'm not the one who cheated. I didn't blow up about it when she told me she was attracted to him. She thought I would so she didn't tell me until a few weeks ago. She even admitted that I handled that pretty well. The sticking point is, the story just doesn't add up to me, and if she likes it or not, I deserve to know the truth. I offered to her 12 years ago to spend the rest of my life with her. 1 year later she cheated on me. I think she owes me the truth. And that's where the whole lie detector thing came in I guess, maybe she IS telling me the truth, but how the heck can I know?

Sorry if this sounds a little "attacking" back, but it's been a rough couple of days for us. I just want it to be over and get things back to a sense of normalcy. I have truly never been this frustrated, confused, sad, and overwhelmed for so long in my life. I love her more than anything but this is just really hard to swallow.

Can you sign you both up for some counseling sessions? So you can discuss it in a neutral, safe place? You need to be able to share how you're feeling, and it sounds like you're both bottling up the truth, based on your preconceptions about how the other will react. And it sounds like you're not going to be able to move forward personally until you get some sort of...recompense...from her for what she 'did' to you.

A C can help you air it out. I agree, the issue is bigger than a one-night stand. Based on the outcome of the marriage, I don't think it's some subversive, destroying tendency or anything, she obviously loves you and wants to be with you, but if you don't reach some sort of resolution you're ok with, it will sour how you interact with her, until one of you reaches the point where you feel you have to split up.

It may not have been a material possession, but like you, it was an indicator to me of who he 'really is' - someone who puts his needs ahead of mine. I chose not to continue to bring it up because it WAS an accident, but, like you, it tainted my opinion of him. Which is why you need to get it resolved, if you can't move beyond it. I moved beyond mine because I chose to accept that it was just one of his faults; but that his benefits made up for the faults. If you have a long list of pros about her in your mental tally, and this one con, what does your balance sheet look like? That's all I'm trying to say.

You have to remember that she's been dealing with it for umpteen years now, so it's not logical for her guilt factor to still be in high gear; she probably chastized herself - silently - for years after it happened, and then it faded into the periphery, like the death of a loved one, or the vision of witnessing a violent act - eventually, the emotions involved are dulled.

The other consideration, given that she's proved she expected big reactions or pain and suffering from telling you, is that she isn't really telling you the truth of what she feels; that she's doing her best to ameliorate the situation and create the least amount of distress for all involved, by downplaying it. Maybe bad judgment on her part, but probably learned judgment based on her time with you. All the more reason for counseling about it. You could probably even improve your marriage with it, if you go to more than one or two sessions.

Personally HC, I think you are completely justified in asking for a Lie detector test. Your wife CHEATED on you when you were engaged. She had SEX with ANOTHER MAN.

What about this don't you understand Catperson? Infidelity is infidelity, no matter when it happened. Just because you weren't responsible at 22 doesn't mean HC should have to give anyone a free pass.

Honestly I think Catperson is just taking out her own issues on you. Your reaction is completely understandable. Your wife cheated on you while you were engaged. She lied about it for 13 years. She has continued to lie about it. You still don't have the full truth, and that is all that you are asking for. You deserve that truth, and you deserve whatever peace of mind you are asking for.

Right now you feel like your marriage is built on a lie, that she is not really who you thought you were marrying. You are right. And you deserve to know the truth. The question is, once you know that truth, will it change the way you feel about the marriage? What if it was more than once? What if she has cheated again?

Once a cheater, always a cheater in my book. Just take a look at KiwiJ (FWW, went through full recovery for YEARS and then left her husband for OM after everything.) If you don't get to the bottom of this now, it WILL haunt you for life.

I hope you find the peace you are looking for buddy. I'm pullin for ya.

I'm not taking any issues out here. I'm just trying to keep him from throwing away what until a little while ago was a great marriage - at least without working it out in counseling.

I didn't say he shouldn't feel hurt; I said he should consider all the factors before deciding that he married a sl*t. Or whatever conclusion he seems to be heading toward. His description of every other facet of his life with her tends to show a woman who made one bad choice 15 (?) years ago, and has made up for it in every other way since then. I also said that if she feels like she needed to keep it from him (fear of him leaving her, most likely), but then finally felt able to disclose it (finally feeling secure that he loves her and won't leave her), he should look at the reasoning behind both of those decisions, as well as his reaction since the disclosure (reinforcing her fear that she can't confide in him) for they most likely have something to do with HIM and what she sees in him, and not just to do with her.

I've seen a lot of posters come here and we all go back and forth trying to help them with a situation, only to find out weeks or months later, that there were some other considerations that the OP was not disclosing to us, which would have led us to a different response. He has very subtly stated that she has doubts about his reactions to things; he doesn't go outright and say 'I yell at my wife' or 'I withhold affection if I feel slighted' or any other bit of information that would paint him in not quite as shining a light, but he is only human, as we all are, and it's quite possible that his interactions with her may have something to do with her initial doubts before the marriage or with events after the marriage. I'm just trying to give broad advice that may or may not apply to his situation, but he came here for advice (I assume), and it may help. Kneejerk reactions and punishment for not being contrite enough will not mend their relationship.

I'm not trying to take her side. I'm trying to get him to be honest with himself over what has happened - the one night stand as well as all their other interactions, so that they can walk away from this with a better marriage.

Really? Because what it sounds like you're doing is trying to assign blame to him. And that is wrong. Look, you are speculating about their interactions. You have no idea. I see no indication that he has been unsupportive or ignorant of her needs. You're extrapolating that entirely on your own. "People see what they want to see." That's why I said it seemed like you were taking out your issues on him.

The issue at hand is that his wife cheated on him a long time ago and has lied about it until now. I totally disagree with you; how was he supposed to react when she told him?? "Honey, I know you cheated on me, and lied to me about it for years, but hey thanks for being (sort of) honest." Maybe if he is nice enough, she will tell him about her other affairs as a treat! (j/k)

To him, it's as if this just happened. He has to go through the process as if it just happened. And you minimizing it or attempting to blame it on some communication problem of his when you have no idea about what their relationship is like, well that isn't helping at all.

And let me add,

When you cheat on someone, you run the risk of them leaving you. That's why it's called "cheating" instead of some nicer term. Fear of someone leaving you BECAUSE YOU CHEATED is not a valid reason to then lie about it to cover it up.

Obviously good people don't cheat to begin with. But if she was really remorseful, she would have tried to make amends and be honest about it initially. She really seems like she is a cake eater to me. And I guarantee it didn't take more than 10 years for her to "get comfortable" telling him. She just didn't think it mattered that much, that she betrayed him. And that is in direct contradiction to the type of person he thought she was. So yes, it's a cause for concern. If someone can so callously dismiss principles like honesty, faithfulness and openness that are integral to marriage, what else could she have lied about over the years without batting an eye?

I've been away from this thread for awhile, and am glad to see Cat has given you many thought-provoking ideas.

I hope you will consider them.

I'm really having a hard time understanding what you want from her. Is there an answer that will satisfy you? Is there an answer that won't create the next anxiety attack? If she sat down and answered every question you have to the best of her ability, will you then be critiquing her "style" of delivering the information? Will she not have cried enough, or felt quilty enough, not subjugated herself to you enough?

OK...it happened. Next you need every detail about it. Now you need to know WHY it happened. Next you need to know her every thought before the whole event. Then you need to know what her thoughts were after. Then you need to know why she thought that way. Next, you need to know how often she has thought about it in the last 14 years. Next you need to know.......and on and on and on.

If I were her, I would feel like I was walking through a minefield. There is nothing but more emotional stuff coming after the next answer that upsets you.

Meanwhile, what are you DOING to fix the other problems?