Double Post

Well, we just returned home from a 4 night trip to South Beach and overall we had a great time and enjoyed each others company.

Unfortunately I didn't do as well as I would have liked to about bringing the past issue up, but I didn't let it consume me as I have in the past, and I didn't 'badger' her about it in the way that I have in the past. There were even times that I didn't think about it at all, and that is definately an improvement. I brought it up a couple of times, although I wish I hadn't, but it could have been worse I guess.

Anyway, what I need to figure out now is how to deal with my feelings without putting any more un-due stress on her or our relationship. I've already done way too much of both of those things. Any suggestions? I guess this is really why I opened the thread in the first place - how do I go about healing in a healthy way?

How about creating a new environment? One that requires new input from both of you, new memories to create, keep you busy? Not talking about moving, but about rededicating yourselves to a new proactive, fun-filled life. And talk. About everything - except 'it'. Start talking like best friends again.

But mainly, you really need to consider getting some in-depth therapy to deal with this. The fact that you can't give it up goes waaaaay deeper than just thinking she lied to you or has loose morals. It is about YOU. Do you see that? It's all about your reaction, not about what she did. If you don't dig deep enough into your FOO and other stuff, you will just repeat this problem with a dozen other 'issues' that come up, and you will end up divorced.

I'm not saying there's something wrong with you. I'm saying that if you can learn about yourself, what your triggers are, what your basic fears are, what your self-worth is like, how rigid your standards are (and why they're so rigid), you won't be stuck living unhappily and just reacting for the rest of your life. Your triggers can be huge or they can be minute.

Example: When I was about 5 or 6, my older brother was diagnosed genius IQ, and the parents put him into a special academy. It was beautiful; I wanted to go there. I asked 'what about me?' and my mom said 'don't worry, dear. You're not that smart, but you'll do just fine.' She just meant I wasn't as smart as him, but what I took was that I was stupid, inferior, never going to be as much as him (or anyone else), and second rate. I've lived under that my whole life, and it triggers tons of unpleasant things for me. Knowing what your triggers are will help you recognize them before they make you do stupid things.

We're working on this already - in fact we have two more vacations scheduled in the next couple of months... one is a short getaway for her birthday to a place that we love, and in June it will be a bit longer vacation for our 10th anniversary. We have even discussed the possibilities of moving somewhere new as we don't have anything keeping us here.


I'm not sure what the whole FOO thing is.... but (and I know you won't believe this) but I am a very laid back guy - for the most part. And yes I see this is about me. I don't believe she has loose morals, I never have believed that, and I still don't believe that. The fact that I struggle with giving it up, I believe, lies in my insecurities. She was the one girl among all that I dated that made me feel totally secure. She had no interest at all in other guys and was totally into me and we had/have something special... and I believed that, and it eased my insecurities for nearly 14 years. It was one major point (of many) that caused me to fall in love with her and want to be with her forever. I would never have to worry about her being attracted in that way to another guy. Well now I find out that wasn't the case, and I now longer feel secure that I can unconditionally trust her.

I guess that's why I did silly things like contact the other guy and suggest a lie detector test. Something inside of me is trying to comfort myself that the whole truth is out there, even though I believe what she is telling me.

This is very telling, you know. You say you are laid back, but in the same paragraph you say you feel worthless, that someone else has the capacity to wake her (or any other woman you date) up and make her realize that they are better than you. Thus, you chose someone who would give you what you don't have - self-worth.

She can't do that for you. Only you can believe you are worth marrying. That anyone could possibly be satisfied with you. Basically, you picked the safest choice, the one woman so laid back and disinterested in the world of men that she would likely never rear her head and wonder what else is out there. Because, surely, if she ever did that, she'd look back at you and say what the h&ll am I doing with this loser?

She cannot be the source of your security. Only you can do that. Only counseling can help you see that. You're probably thinking counseling is for losers, but guess what? As I sit in my IC's office waiting my turn, or waiting for D17 (who just uses the IC to bounce thoughts off of and get advice), I see athletes, students, professional men, housewives, little old ladies, beautiful people, ugly people, you name it. Everyone can benefit from learning about their FOO and how it's affecting them.

Your doubt about FOO is common, but nearly all professional agree that you are who you are specifically because of the family you grew up in, barring medical issues like sociopathology. Everything you think, everything you believe, everything you'll do or put up with is based on what you saw growing up. Here's a good article about it. I encourage you to Google some more for yourself. It can teach you tons of stuff about you and your marriage.
FOO

You're probably right on most of that, and I guess I'm just figuring that out.

Oh, and I wasn't saying I doubted "foo", I just have never heard of it. A quick google search didn't come up with anything, either, so I'll take a look at your link. Thanks.

Oh, and no - I don't think counseling is for losers. I never thought I would need it, but I don't have a problem asking for help when I need it.

LOL, sorry, you have to type (inside quotation marks to keep the term together): "family of origin"

Yeah, once I checked out your link I figured that out When I get some time, I'll do a little more research on it.