WW called about 4 or 5 times just letting me know whats up. During one of the calls I asked how she was feeling she seems to be in a great mood. Last night She did say that my exposing OM (as the POS he really is) was a great relief.

Texted me said she got her hair cut. I asked her to send me a pic which she did and man is she hot. I text her back some flirty things about it being a good thing she is not here or would be in trouble and how good she looks. She text back thanks.

Only 6 weeks and I will move as well, we will see what happens during this six weeks.

Sounds like things are looking up for you, but keep running your plan. (grin)

We hope things continue to get better.

Communication will be really important while you are apart. I would guess conversation is one of her most important needs. What do you think?

SS

I always considered myself more of a talker but if you could see her cell bill it would give you a cardiac arrest. Don't get me wrong, much is her business and most of my business conversation is done on an office phone. Of course if and when she gives OM the boot it will decrease phone usage a good 10% or better. HA HA

Since all the bad experiences I had the first few weeks after discovery driving her crazy calling I have simply gotten into the habit of not calling her unless I really must. Nice thing is she calls me now a lot, I make sure I'm always available. One thing that really upset her when I was gambling was ignoring her calls. Never will do that again.

Keep working on your recovery and trust in God that HE will take care of the rest. You need to do your part.

I'm cautiously optimistic.

Well the board is back up so much has happened in the last week all seems to be good. I am so very hopeful, WW seems to have come out of the fog. I will post an update later.

I have much to be thankful for

Don't really know where to start hope it flows with the accurate time line, I should have kept some notes while the board was down.

On Sat the 15th I think I traveled to see WW with DS7 and spent the night. We stayed at our friends I slept on the floor while she and DS7 slept in the bed. She was so restless from hot flashes, her phone kept ringing off the hook, pos om I'm sure trying to suck up, she finally turned it off. got few hours of sleep.

Sun evening we drove back to our house together so she could get the trailor full of hay for horses. She wanted to go and see the OM to tell him it was over. I, of course hated that, but what can I do, told her to go do what she thought right.

After few hours she came downstairs where DS7 and I were in bed. Me in bed, DS7 on cot as I didn't want him upstairs in his own bedroom when I was in quest room. She said she was back and I said, do you want to be alone?

She said no, went upstairs and got into PJs came down and crawled in bed with me. DS7 was long asleep, she was so restless tossing and turning. I just hung on for dear life at very edge of bed. About 2 AM she reached over and touched me, I kissed her hand. The hot flashes continued, pretty soon she jumped up and took off her clothes and jumped back in bed. I was so freaked out didn't know if she wanted sex or what.

Finally I turned over and began to caress her upper body, to make it short we made love. It was a little awkward but I'll take it anyway I can get it. So confusing, she goes to break it off with OM, who she said ahe had feelings for, but comes back and makes love to me. Made me feel good but am I wrong for feeling that way.

She left next evening gave me a hug

I will continue with Easter later

Contacting the affair partner in person to break it off is not advised. It tends to just continue the affair.

Have you asked her to have no contact with him? I would tell her that you want your family together, and that a third person in the marriage is hurtful and harmful.

Believer
I fully agree with you on that note but in my situation what can be done. I can't control her and now it is past for a week. Don't know if contact continues but I suspect OM drove her nuts for a few days. I'll get the bill in a few days, should be interesting.

As far as this past weekend, WW drove here Sat and we spent a nice evening together. Dinner then she was playing with son in the car and broke a nail and in was a little painful.

[Let me preface what hapened next by explaining that I bought her a new wedding wring in Jan 07. Well in Dec during separation she took it back and traded off on another ring for her right hand middle finger. I was really upset when I found out.]

I told her lets go to the mall and she could get her nails fixed.
Out of the blue, she took the ring off her finger and handed it to me and said you better get this sized to 5.5 so people wouldn't think she was single. WOW I didn't know what to say but ok. Went to mall and while her nails were being done I took the ring to be sized. While there I looked at some matching wedding bands but thought I better not.

Told her that I was looking at some wedding bands to match the diamond ring. She looked surprised and happy. While I waited for her to finninsh with nails I kept noticing her starring at me. It was a look that was familiar, one that said, I am attracted to you, I just played it cool. Well we went down to the jewler picked out a wedding band. I paid for it and it was sent off also to be sized and soldered. When we left the store she said you sure are bold to have that ring soldered. I kind of said "I didn't do anything." She said, " well if you screw up I'll just have unsoldered." I chuckled and said "well I bought insurance if you need it unsoldered it won't cost anything."

Not much happened the remainder of evening. We watched a movie then I went to bed in quest room BOO HOO for me.

Easter morning DS7 got his goodies and I had a little basket for WS and a nice card. We dressed for church, I wore a new blazer, trousers, pants and tie she bought me some time ago. I know I am looking pretty darn good, all her girlfriends have commented to me, been tanning, working out lost 40 lbs. She was dressing in master and asked me something. I walked in she was almost dressed but in a slip. She told me I looked really nice, I couldn't hold back any longer, I took her in my arms and told happy Easter and kissed her gently but with passion. She responded in kind it was a moment to remember.

Had dinner at Sons home had a great time she left from there in the evening and that was our Easter.

She called a little while ago but I will post about that latter

I am so hopeful but so guarded, I simply don't know if my nerves can take any further bombs.

Talked with WS twice today on phone. I have been told and have read that after some serious breakthroughs that the WS will pullback thats exactly how I feel today.

During her 3.5 hour drive last night after leaving from Easter she texted 4 times all about nothing of any importance. I called her later about a gift I received from son, we talked for a while about our daughter who is having a terrible time in Vegas where she works. We have not talked for one moment about us and it is starting to bother me. I so much want to hear her say she loves me, I know I shouldn't show her I am needy and am careful not to. When do we really start talking about us, does she want to sweep it all under the rug?

Well today I made no point to contact her and she called about 5pm. Somehow she tore something in her leg and was in the ER this am. Not to mention she still worked all day and is on pain meds.

She called an hour ago and reminded me that the local realtors are going to tour our house in the AM. Told me a bunch of this and thats to remember GEEEZS you would think I was an idiot. For some reason I really needed some sort of affirmation but none came, I hope this is due to her pain and meds. I'll give her a pass today as she was so good to me this past weekend.

Right before she called I had texted her something I was reading and told her ILY which I have only said maybe 3 times this month. Perhaps she didn't read it before she called and will notice it later.

I have so very much to be hopeful and thankful for, don't know why I am in a funk this PM. Life is actually not all that bad considering the nightmare it was Jan and Feb.

PATIENCE is what I need not affirmations

Wow just lost my post don't have time to retype just now.
Long story short WW acting distant today. She is on her way back to Dr leg is much worse, could be the reason she is being distant. I'll fill in some more detail later.

Before WW went to the doc she called me and said she needed to e-mail some paperwork to print and take to one of her clients. She said she hated to have to ask me to do that but she needed me. Well of course its nice to be needed but it upsets me that she hates to need me. I told her she shouldn't feel that way, I was delighted to help her. One of the great strengths of our marriage was our ability to be a team together. Many years in business, parenting, schooling we made a great team. It saddens me now to think she feels she needs to be able to go it alone if she wants.

I so badly want to talk to her about our recovery together. I am trying to be patient and let her bring it up, but I'm tired of simply acting like we are in recovery. I want to know if A is over, I want to know if we have NC. I'm afraid of pressing too hard or afraid she will feel smothered. I wonder what is wrong with her leg, hope the doc can come up with something. She should be finnished with her appt soon, we will see.

Just got the dreaded cell bill. Looks like OM got a new phone number and contact continues. I am very sad, I don't know how to respond to WW. I am so confused feeling lost and alone.

Got a text from daughter saying she loves me, boy did I need that at least she does.

This is a process, not an event.

Remember that when you get up each morning, and continue to run your plan.

Remember that you are dealing with an addict that is not sure if they want to enroll in a treatment program.

You can't control the outcome, you can only run your plan. You can improve you while you see what will happen.

Remember that when you improve you, you get to keep the changes, no matter what she does.

Don't let the bad days get you down. What she does will not determine how happy you can and will be, nor will it determine if your life is successful or not.

I still recommend you call the Harleys for counseling. This could really help you with your plan.

Continue to read up on Plan A. It does not mean being a doormat. It does not mean there will be no consenquences to her actions.

You are trying to make yourself look good, so that if you do go to plan B, she remembers you at your very best, and misses you.

That means you are the light house.
Hold your head up, turn up the light, and shine.

SS

You are so very correct this is a process I have much to be thankful for. I could be divorced but I am not, WW has moved toward me not away. Patience and run my plan.

Talked with WW few minutes ago. She sensed my emotions and asked if I was having a bad day. I said I am fine, she said well you don't sound fine and not to get down. Told her I was so very sorry for the mess I have made of our marriage. Asked her outright if she was having emotional withdrawls. She said from what OM then said sometimes but I have talked to him. Well she is being honest, I hope the contact is more OM bothering her and her telling him it is over.

Must remember it is an addiction.

I told her on the phone that I cared for her very much. She said I know you do and I care for you to. Then she said she had a call and would call me later.

Got a forwarded text from WW that the cell bill was ready. Should not of responded but I did

"makes me ill wish you would have not text this today but I know I can outlast him. I don't have match.com and I have a love for you that is so much more than mere feelings.

Well we will see her response

WW called said she didn't understand my text "ya right" said she didn't expect me to look at the bill just pay it. HA HA

Said to call her I ignored

Talked to WW about my text, she said perhaps she should get another phone so it doesn't hurt me. I said that would make me feel worse, she was shopping with a friend and said she couldn't talk. I flat out asked her if it was going to end, she said she couldn't talk would call me later. I am a mess waiting for that call, hope I didn't screw things up too bad.

Feel like I should know what is going on in her head. If she is positive and wants to work on things when she calls I am going to ask her if I can help her with NC. If she feels like she doesn't want to work on marriage I feel like I must make some tough decisions to protect myself and my feelings for her.

Not finnished yet

Well bottom line is affair continues. Thank God she is 200 miles away and at least can't sneak off and see him. She is looking for an exit stategy to get out of A. She actualy asked me to keep an eye on a house not far from ours where one of Om girlfiends live. She asked me to snap a picture if I see his car their.

WOW now I'm collecting intell on OM, WW said it would really help her to get past OM. Last night I wanted to go to plan B and start moving on, but realized I have not gone with plan A long enough, only 2 months. I am going to continue my plan and I'm not talking POS OM again to WW but, believe me if I can get the goods on him I will.

Really bad day for me yesturday. Got to stand up shake off the dust and realize this really is an addiction. This is a process not an event. I can outlast the OM he will move on, I wonder though if I can outlast WW.

Must continue to show her I am a lighthouse and can guide her safely back to reality. God please give me the strength

I wouldn't collect intel on OM. I wouldn't have anything at all to do with him, and would tell WW why. (NC means NC, for both of you.)

As far as YOU.

In plan A, you make yourself look as good as you can without being a doormat.

When a WW has feelings for an OP, it's because the OP is part of a fantasy.

These things apply to the OP in the beginning of the A, before reality sets in.

The OP always looks good to the WS because:

They don't live real life with the OP. They don't argue about taking out the garbage, or paying the bills.

It doesn't get old, because there is little time spent together. It's always exciting and fresh.

OP is always on best behavior when talking with WS, so OP is always kind, never angry. Never needy.



Your WW now knows that OM is looking for other girls, but she still has a lot of the fantasy in her mind. It's up to you to out OM the OM.

Be up beat, not angry, or needy.
Have the attitude that you love W, and want to be with her, but that you will be fine either way. Show that you will be fine by the way you live. (Be happy, have goals, work on them, and reach them.)

DO THINGS
Live an active life. Do the things that she always wanted to do. DO them with, or without her.
By now you should have printed out the Emotional Needs Questions, and filled it out for her (Maybe she can help you with it later, but for now, do it for her.) It will help you concentrate on which needs you should be meeting. (the top three)

IF she loves to go for walks, walk with her.
Talk to her, text her, and email her (or whatever works best.)
When you are together, take her out on dates. My W and I go even if we have no money. I pack a picnic, even if it's peanut butter sandwiches, and we go. The fact that I put it together means a lot to her. You can be doing this for your W.

Take a drive, and talk about things. Don't be always telling her
"I love you," because it can make you sound needy. Change it to things like "I love to see you smile, I always have." or "I love the way your eyes light up when you are happy."

Think about these things. Write them down (not where she can ever see them.) I'm not kidding - this is how you can make your self look better than OM.

You are better than OM, but we have to show WW that you are, because she has forgotten. Project the image you want to project. A light house is a wonderful image, but a beaten down wreck is not. Think on each type of image, and how you want, and need to come across. Change your actions to reflect what is needed.

When you communicate about things like the cell bill, and her calls to OM, don't make it look like you are needy.

Something like this might look a lot better to her:
"Dear W, I can see that you are still communicating with OM. Because I love you, I am willing to give you more chances for now, but it won't always be that way. You don't have much time left to commit to our marriage. As much as I love you, and as much as I want to be with you, I won't wait around for ever. It is very disrespectful to me for you to maintain contact with OM. I have choices too, and I won't be giving you advance warning when I am through. The ball is in your court, Love jimld.

Now, I am not suggesting you write exactly this, but it's a template for your communications with her. This is the kind of attitude you are trying to portray.

Don't worry so much about what she does and says from day to day. Look at it every few weeks for trends, and adjust your plan, but day to day emotions can throw you off if you let what she is doing and saying get to you.

It's very important that you project confidence, self control, and that you are calm and calculating in the way you act.

Tell us what you will do this week to make your plan a success.

SS

I sent WW a text
"Last night spent much time with the Lord. Because I love you I am willing to understand, but it is not right to always be that way, must begin to make decisions for my own self respect and health as well as my children. I have choices as well 3 people cannot make a marriage, you must decide, I must protect my love for you."

She called me in a few minutes,tried to be strong and upbeat, but to be honest can't even remember some of what was said. Asked her if she saw a future for us and she said "yes". WTF

Told her I didn't even reconize her anymore that it was if my wife has been abducted by aliens. She laughed. Told her I didn't think it would make any difference if I sent her a picture of OM sleeping with another woman. She said I was right and apologized for asking me to collect intel on OM. Then she asked if I would do something for her related to business. GEEEEEZZSSS I did.

Called me twice since then to ask if I did what she needed. WTF