Lake, I have a long flight today and plan to use this time to fully digest and set my Plan A.

FYI, letter went out this morning to OM's W, which I tweaked to include some of WW's comments this weekend. Cell detail too.

Also had a talk with in laws this morning. Didn't get to these all details, but Mother in Law immediately said the WW has her head up her a** and knows she is stubborn and unsure. Her view is she is in crisis mode. In-laws said they love me and want me to continue fighting as they do too. Of course if WW wants to twist things I am aware that could change their mind just the same.

BTW, if I haven't said it earlier, I appreciate everyone's honest advice and support. Mailing the letter this monring lifted a big weight off my shoulders, but I know this is only step 1 in exposure.

Dear Doesit,
I am proud of what you've done.
I just wanted to let you know...I, too, contacted my mother in law. She has been the greatest gift through my struggles. We always liked each other, but I had no idea how important she thought I was in the family. This has been a true boost and I hope it works to your benefit too.

(((Doesit)))

Good for you! My M&FIL were a huge help to me and that's great that you have their support.

As far as your WW's fog-babble, can you redirect the conversation? Talk about a common goal for the future perhaps, a house project or something regarding your child? You are LB'ing each time you press her for info on OM.

Like others and myself have suggested, you should post in GQII's. There is more traffic there...more vets there... Along the lines of what Lake posted for you, pros like Schoolbus can help you in how to respond to your WW's fog-babble and to help you work your very best Plan A.

Keep us posted and hang in there!

When WW wants to talk separation or divorce just calmly state: I only talk marriage when I get one my lawyer will talk divorce.

You must do this every time. If WW pushes you to get a lawyer just say you are then say no more. Your goal is to drag out this process.

Doesit,

So dude, wwazzzup?

OM's BW get the letter yet?

kirk

EDITED TO ADD: I thought you were going to transplant in General Questions II

Kirk, nothing yet. Letter mailed 3/31, should of had by 4/1 or 4/2 at the latest. I'm assuming she is either digesting the content, ignoring or doesn't believe, or worse it could have been intercepted by OM! We'll see....I'll keep everyone posted.

Doesit,
Probably too late now, but maybe if there's a next time, a certified letter would have been better. Than, you'd have the return receipt and you would know exactly who signed for it. See, it's soooo sad how this process attacks your mind and makes you go into fight mode. This is so NOT who I am, but it is who I've become. I really don't want to spend the rest of my life suspicious and jaded. There's alot to learn here about yourself as much as about your spouse. Hmmmm...44 yrs. old and I had no idea I still had so much to learn about all the things I took for granted.
Good luck.

How is your Plan A going? Being calm, avoiding R/OM talk and doing good things for yourself?

Pill, working on Plan A. Haven't discussed R/OM since 3/29...not quite a week, but that's the longest I've gone in a awhile. Finding that I'm not spending every minute thinking about this either. Spending a week out of town (on business) was a way for me to clear my head and get some order. Usually I would call WW a couple of times per day (b/c that's what we used to do until recently). Kept the conversation to a minimum this week, and only discussed our son. She is wanting to do everything on her own now, and I'm trying to not even ask any questions, just being cordial. She has tried to initate more conversation over the last 2 days than in weeks past.

Fiori, I've thought about that...it was enough just to get the nerve to mail it in the first place. But in the back of mind, I've already considered sending another letter if I don't hear from her after some time goes by. Definitely sad what this process does to an individual, but yeah I've learned a lot about myself from this. And I have stopped blaming myself for this, and have began turning my outlook/focus inward, instead of constantly wondering what WW is thinking and feeling. Wasn't able to do that a couple of weeks ago.

Does you W know you sent a letter?

No, I have not told WW. She does know that I talked to M&FIL, but I told her I was going to do that, no to expose to her, but just to let them know that in spite of our marital problems, I wanted to know that I appreciate everything they have done for us, me, and our son, etc. WW asked me what I told them, and I told her exactly that. Sure it would be interesting to see what she said to them....but I can't do anything there. Hopefully they took to heart what I said.

Anyway back to the letter...I would suspect that WW has told OM that I have confronted her about him. As careful as she has been to delete caller id, hide info, etc.; I'm sure he is doing the same and watching as well.

Well, I had the exact opposite. Because my H thought the only way to cheat was physically, he didn't really hide any emails or calls. And, he brought home the cards she gave to him. I have it all. Copies of email, dates of phone calls, notes about various things OW did, history of OW. I probably know more about OW and her extended family than H does. I made it my mission to be totall informed. Now, I'm sure there's tons I'm not aware of, but there's alot that I am. And, I began journaling at the urging of our MC. It has helped me tremendously to work out some craziness in my head before I ruin everything by coming off nuts and undesireable. This is very agonizing stuff. I really don't see how you can proceed until she's honest with you. If you look back through old postings you can find stuff that is helpful. In the "in recovery" part I found a posting about tips for the Wayward. My H has it but I doubt he's read it. He verifies my feelings and is being supportive and kind, but he's of the mindset that if all clothing remains on, it's bad, but not quite as bad. Hmmmm...betrayal is betrayal to me!

I've had a journal going since the end of Feb. just so I can keep track of what she has said, I have said, feelings, etc. Yeah, this is a to help keep some sanity through this. Right now I log soemthing just about every day, and even go back to fill in some of the blanks as I remember things.

Obviously we're not to a point to where my WW has even discussed an A other then to deny it...she is still sticking to "just friends". But I found an interesting post from Resonance(?) in this forum titled Inside the Wayward Mind. I can id at least 15 of those lines that my WW has used almost verbatim.

Update....

OK, I think we're transitioning to the ugly phase. WW was cordial and asking questions on 4/4, but began giving short answers and appeared angry by 4/5, and by 4/6 we slept in separate beds (w/o any discussion, argument, or explanation). Spent the whole weekend avoiding me and giving one word answers to anything I asked. I attempted to keep small talk going, no LB's, but I avoided any talk about R, A, or D.

Still haven't heard from OM's W, but I am starting to think that OM knows about letter and told my WW, or OM's W called my wife (since she now has her cell #). Just a guess...or maybe my WW is just giving me the silent treatment, which doesn't bother me at this point b/c it keeps me from getting drawn into LB's!

I'm sticking to my plan. Talked to MIL this morning, she basically vented to me about mistakes WW (her daughter) is making (minus A talk...I have not told her this). Admitted to me that WW was upset last week b/c I did not call more when I was out of town. MIL said she talked to WW on 4/5 and must have touched a nerve b/c she got up and left her house w/o saying anything.

So...any advice on this phase???

Why have you not exposed the A? At the very least to MIL. Let her mom twist her ear and give her a scolding. Nothing hurts worse, believe me.

Absolutely. I guarantee it. His wife, shocked, tore into him, he snuck away as fast as he could to 'confide' in your W. But you haven't actually confronted yet, correct? You've talked about her 'friend,' but you haven't spoken to her as though you are trying to end an affair, from what I'm reading. So she's not about to bring it up!

In other words, to get it to end and rescue your marriage, you have to expose it to them, their families, their work, your church, anyone who will make a difference and make them stop! I know someone told you to snoop more, but you don't seem to be having any luck with that. So just put it out on the table, explain what you DO have to everyone, explain how she is acting, ask if he is acting the same, and then ask whoever you expose to whether they think they are 'just friends.'

Are you continuing to snoop? Did you get a voice activated recorder for the car?

Please go back and re-read Meremortal's post(that I reposted for you) regarding a light chat as early in the day as possible. I made a huge effort to do this every morning. I would plan it out in advance, one or two topics, a current event or something about a movie coming out or to ask him something work related (since he likes talking about his work). Remember to keep it short and light-hearted. (this is something you could have done when you were on your trip!?)

My H was still foggy and sometimes wouldn't say anything. That would make it really hard for me to push through with my best "Plan A Smile" on...but I knew it wouldn't be forever, and I knew I needed to have a great Plan A in order for Plan B to be effective if that was necessary.

You said you have a 3 yr old, right? Maybe you can sign him up for a Tae Kwon Do or gymnastics class? That would give you something for the three of you to do together. And if she doesn't want to be involved, then that is fine too. Something for you to tell her about when you get back.

Have you done anything to make the home more inviting? Finished up a project or a chore that you have been putting on a back burner for a while?

These are little ways to meet Emotional Needs that will make Love Bank deposits right now. You don't need to worry about her reaction(I know that is easier said than done!)

Cat, I felt I've pushed her as far as I could w/no result on exposing the A, she just refused to do anything but deny it, which is the expected result. Your're right, I do need to approach the M&FIL about this, I've just been waiting to see how they are handling and what they know.

Pill, yes I have been keeping the talk light hearted and short. Mostly regarding our son b/c that is all she will seem to talk about. As hard as its been, I have been very nice, even with the short answers I get from her. I took my son to the park on Sat. when WW went to work. She left w/our son yesterday and I stayed home and did yard work and cleaned. I'm still going to proceed doing the things I have always done, even thought she may not want me there or appreciate anything I am doing. I still talk about doing activities with our son together as though nothing has changed. Again, I just made it a goal in the last week to steer clear of any potential LB conversation. Could I have done more last week, yes, but that time was also good for me to get some control of my emotions too. I did initiate all the contact last week, but then again that was the only way we would talk.

Snooping...still looking but there is very little if any info she keeps at home. I assume everything is at work or elsewhere.
Before I left for work this morning, she gave me some info she printed off about dissolution and divorce.

Your W's fog is alarmingly thick... If you don't get more responses, again, I'll urge you to post in the GQII area.

What about the voice activated recorder in the car? Is there a reason that you haven't done this??

I think many waywards do their talking in the car(at least it was true in my case), and once you have more info, you can really move forward with Exposure. I wouldn't waste any more time...

Doesit,

You still around? Got an update for us? Hope all is well.