I don't think this is an active endeavor, and when you try and think of it as HOLDING ON, it can become draining. Truth is, guy, you don't HAVE to remain interested. The darker you are, however, the easier it is to maintain your course.


Guy, it will be good for you to have a couple of days off in a row; I know you wanted to keep your kids from your wife's poor choices, and you have, for as long as you possibly could. Try to enjoy the time you have, use it to refresh, regroup, to be JUST GUY SMILEY. When the kids come home, you'll be able to fully enjoy them, and be energized enough to deal with their needs.

Get some sleep SD. You have been in this trench a long time now.

DD talked about you a little at dinner last night and sends her best.

Now as far as sleep, I know it is easier said than done.

It reminds me of the Christoper Columbus joke when weeks into their voyage the first mate comes to Columbus and says, "Captain Columbus. The men have not eaten for days. Thay are all starving!"

Columbus turns to the first mate and says, "Well force them!"

CL, we have 50:50 custody. The schedule is pretty complicated, and it is about to get simpler with some of the weekends.


Thanks for this. It's what I've been thinking and was having trouble describing--the less interested in recovery part. It's less urgent, or I want it less, or maybe I just worry about it less. Or maybe I'm just reaching another level of detachment and letting go the way everyone has been hoping I would.

I didn't really want to say it this way, but I am really looking forward to the weekend. It hasn't even really occurred to me to worry about what she will do with the kids, which I think is good. I just want some time to myself. And yeah, like you said, SL, by the time they get back I'll be really ready to see them.


It's not so much insomnia as it is getting my sleep schedule (such as it is) adjusted to what it needs to be. I'm still recovering from Daylight Savings Time.

And the whole single parent thing. DS8's baseball game last night ended at about 7 pm. As soon as we got home, I made dinner (mercifully, the kids weren't fighting, but DD4 was being a pill), got DD4 to eat some of it, ran DD4 through the shower, read to the kids before bed, lay down with them before sleep (this is something I could cut out, but they really like it, and I like doing it with them), and then it was after 10 pm. Clear the table, do a little work on DD4's lunch for tomorrow and it's after 10:30. Want to add something else in? Then it's after midnight before sleep.

Okay, enough whining. I'll tell you what really interferes with sleep is this whole work thing. Some of which I should probably do.

Dang jobs...they get in the way of everything fun.

I found you, I found you!

How about that update?

Fox

Aw, Fox, you're so good to me.

Update soon. I promise.

Yea Verily Yea!

I miss some stuff but there is some new cool crap here now. Bad news though, it seems you can't do searches in the body of posts and I do miss seeing who is on line. If it had ears it would be the Killer Rabbit.

Maybe it's a Killer Gerbil.

You can tell if someone is online when you post.....if their emoticon by their name is gray and appears to be sleeping, they are offline. If it is colored and has an emotion...online.

I do miss the list of who is online, though. Don't know why...just interested, I guess.

Now you have to actually find one of their posts and see if it is an active emoticon.

Fox

Still waiting, smiley.........

And chris....why would you want to do a search in the body of a post? Are there posts really so long you need to search within it?

SD,

Stopped by here looking to drop a bug bomb and get an update from you,,,,,,,,,,

Instead, I am finding GREAT information on the new forum features from Fox and Chris!! whoo hoo! I think I'll just sit back and wait for them to figure it all out for me!

Hope life is treating you well. Update, please?!

Sometimes keywords can help you find lost posts and occasionally I would check my own username in case it was mentioned somewhere in a thread I was not following or someone was looking for me.

I got the little icon symbol if you are online or a "ghost" if you are not but it is a lot more work to find out if you have to sift through lots of posts. Usually I just checked it to see if any of the Amigos were on.

Yup, me too. I miss that feature.

Guess the GerbilLungerAter is busy with the kiddies tonight.

I am happy to report that I've been going to GerbilLungerAter's anonymous (better known as AlAnon), and have learned how to avoid the lunging. It's a lot of work, but boy is it worth it not to have all that fur flying. (at least they still have my smirk emoticon, confarndit new boards)

Yep. Was busy with the kids. Left work early to pick them up in time for DS8's baseball game (and it was my day to provide the team snack, so I had to get that ready). Beat my way through the traffic to get him there in time, then tried to keep DD4 (who is becoming pretty high maintenance in a clingy-but-sweet way) distracted if not entertained during the game so that I can watch it. Back and forth to the adjacent playground, intermittently plying DD4 with cookies. A posse of Other Little Sisters helped keep DD4 busy some of the time. DS8 pitches again and does well enough to earn the game ball (Yes!) Snack after game. Chat with team parents while snack is consumed. Gather children (including a spare one I volunteered to transport so that the team wouldn't be left with 7 players), deliver said child, a quick trip back to work to push a button I forgot to push before I left (the kids think my NMR lab is pretty cool), pick up food, go home. Before I can get in the house, both kids are crying--DS8 because he shut his finger in the door and DD4 first because she thought DS8 was going to get in the house and hold the cat first (and it's HER turn to hold the cat first--yes, we have to take turns on this) but then because her brother is really crying and it scares her. The tone of his crying sets off my radar--it doesn't sound quite right, plus I'm suspicious that the reason he shut his finger in the door is because he was trying to get into the house first so that his sister would THINK he was going to hold the cat first. In the end I think he was just scared (and tired, and hungry), but I didn't do a very good job of comforting him when he couldn't calm down, and because he can't pull it together DD4 is still crying. Finally, everyone calmed down enough to eat, and by the time that's over, it's time for bed. Read some Go, Dog, Go and some The Hobbit and lay down with them til they were asleep.

And, breathe. Single parenting is exhausting. It felt like a frenetic pace for, like, six straight hours. There's a reason why there are two parents.

Okay, so here's the update. Last weekend was my first full weekend with the kids, so I had them Wednesday through Sunday (and on Monday, he collapsed). It was really good--day off Friday with DD4, we attended DS8's Spring Fling school performance, then miniature golfing and watched the movie Enchanted. Saturday baseball game and Easter Egg coloring; Sunday Easter Egg hunt, time at the park, and time around the house to relax. Sunday night I wrote the Next Letter Jennifer Wants Me To Send.

Sidebar: For the past several months I've been doing scroll-sawing--making wooden animal puzzles and giving them to friends and family. I made a dragon for DS8 and a pegasus for DD4. They are pretty cool and are more impressive than the skill required to make them. When they are finished, I still look at them and say "Wow. I actually made that."

The kids know I have been giving them away, so I asked them whether they thought I should make something for the SCQ--maybe a bear (bears have always been the SCQ's thing). Yeah! says DD4, you should make her a bear puzzle. So I did. Made the bear, wrapped it up, and sent it along with the kids' stuff Monday with the next Letter Jennifer Wants Me To Write.

The letter said something like "I made this bear for you. In some ways, it symbolizes the mistakes we made in our marriage. When the kids came along, we stopped caring for each other--we neglected things that were important to each other. I was surprised when I realized how long it had been since I had given you a bear; not that you really needed more, but you liked them, and I liked seeing you smile and the way you would say "Isn't he pretty?" These mistakes made the affair possible, but I want us to put the past behind us and create a new life for us and DS8 and DD4.

I envision a life where the kids have both parents with them all the time, with no back and forth. A life where neither of us have to miss a Christmas morning or an Easter Egg hunt or a new tooth lost or a first bicycle ride without training wheels.

Just as important, I envision a life where the two of us are every bit as in love as we were [at college where we met--insert nostalgic memories here]. I know that I can put the past behind me. I know that if we both want it, we can make our marriage better than it ever was before. It's what I want with all my heart."

Something like that, anyway. Then Monday evening, about the time the SCQ would have been getting home with the kids, I had a session with Jennifer. I updated her on my face-to-face mediation session (and confessed what LB'ing I did there as well as the information I passed along). Told her about the letter and the bear.

Jennifer was pleased about me passing on the info. She said I nailed the letter I sent. She wasn't sure on the gift (gift-giving is meeting a need)--probably okay but don't send any more. Partly she's worried about me resenting it, but I explained that it was truly a gift--that I honestly gave it with no expectations attached to it.

She wants me to keep up the plan for a year after the divorce is complete, including sending these kinds of letters once a month or so. She also wants me to buy a new wedding band and wear it and thought about having me tell the SCQ that I was doing that. I said "Just for clarification, you still think there's hope here," and her reply was "Oh, AbsoLUTEly. And once that affair ends, you get a whole new woman back so fast it will make your head spin." I said that it has been a pretty long time (thinking about that year she's talking about and about how attractive women look to me these days and about that new identity I've discovered--Mr Vulnerable), and, while she agreed, she said what's surprising is how long the affair has lasted.

Wow, that was long. Now I'm REALLY tired. Wonder what all those buttons up above this panel do. Maybe one of them is the secret panel. Maybe I'll find out tomorrow.

Hey Guy!!

Just read your post. Always check in on you even though I may not post. You're life sounds exactly like mine! Except I have two boys playing baseball. Two practice, two games, and guitar lessons. I just started a new job two weeks ago. I've been really busy with that so I don't have much time to think about you know who. I do see him occasionally at games but he coaches so he's on the field. I leave 5 min before game ends if I don't have the kids that day. I act strong even when I feel weak. I think over the last few weeks I realize how my talking with him occasionally is meeting some of his needs. I know this because it meets some of my needs as well. He has always had one foot in our marriage and one foot out. I have become soooo strong and everytime I think of a reason I need to call him ..I call my friend or I tell myself i am hurting my chances of reuniting with him if I make contact. It makes it easier that way. I just remind myself that he never really left our marriage during his affair (Cake eating) and he returned home during it (only for 4 months or so) so I say to myself if OW was so wonderful and she was everything he ever wanted why would he leave her to come back home ...even if just for 4 months. Maybe it just makes me feel better to think of it like that. Whatever helps me not contact is OK with me at least for now. You sound like you're doing great. Yes, being a single parent is hard. My WH traveled a lot so I got used to having the kids on my own way before the affair.

Ani

Hey there brother Smiley

Glad to see things are going pretty well out there on the left coast. Amen to the strength of the single parent. With as much stuff as DD is into and then with the days DS is able to be with us I totally can relate. Just wait until DD get's a little older .

I was wondering though, about the afore-and-oft-mentioned Letters that Jennifer Wants You to Send... Perhaps you mentioned it before, but I'm curious what sort of guidelines she gave you for these letters... and if she expanded at all on the notion of why there is still hope and what reasoning behind her opinion that you'll have a 'new' woman once the affair is over.

I totally understand if you don't want to go into those things man, but given that I too am doing the 'detachment' thing these days and pushing her crap back over onto her side of the 'property' line rather than engaging in appeasement I kind of figured a dollop of hope might keep the door cracked open for a little longer for her.

hey SD,

Sounds like you've been busy. That single parenting stuff is for the birds. It's dang hard!! I feel for you brother.

Your letter was great and oh so Jennifer. She couldn't have said it better herself. I hope that you get some response from it.

I decided not to do mine again. The last few have gone unanswered, so I've basically given up on it. It just feels like pathetic begging to me at this point. And maybe I'm not sure that I want him back anymore. It's going to be very difficult for me to get over the fact that he passed himself off as divorced and lived with someone else behind my back. Hard to not feel resentful....

I think the bear was a nice idea though, and if nothing else, she will always remember that. Guilt will hit her big time one of these days.

What's happening with POSOM and POSOM's BS?

You've gotten the hang of this, Ani. It gets easier--not the single parent part, but the dealing with all of the hurt and resentment and disappointment. You get better at filling your day with other stuff so that you don't wind up dwelling on it. And you've figured out that contact makes it all worse.


Thanks for dropping in, James. Jennifer first suggested the letters when I described the SCQ as incredibly passive--that I wasn't sure she would ever take the initiative to come home even if she knew it was the best thing for her to do. I have always felt that she would need some kind of invitation if not help to make it back.

In terms of the new woman, my understanding is that it's the difference between one's wayward spouse and their spouse. Once the affair ends, the fog can clear (quickly, according to Jennifer) and the spouse can emerge. Jennifer has been right about everything so far, so I don't doubt that she's right about this as well. Of course, a key word there is 'can,' and a key word that's missing is 'when.'


I think the trick is to know that they aren't going to be answered and be okay with that. To tell yourself that it's going to be ignored. With the bear, I have basically convinced myself that I don't care what happens to it--if she burns it in the fireplace, if she and POSOM sit and laugh at how pathetic it is, whatever--I don't care.

The letters are seed planting for when the affair ends. Because it feels like the eleventh hour for my marriage, I wanted to follow up the last letter with another communication "Are you sure this is what you want?" and potentially talk to her face-to-face. Jennifer cautioned me--"As long as that affair is still going, you know what her response to these letters is going to be, right?" I already knew the answer, of course, which is nothing and is exactly what I have gotten.

Like I said, though, I'm tempted to have the follow-up communication. Do I know that it's pointless to try to convince an active wayward? Of course. Do I still want to try, or at least find out how Fogged she still is? Yes. The danger in doing so would be that I would LB and push her farther away and/or get myself hurt by exposure to FogTalk and push myself into being Done. The reality is that if she's still fully Fogged, I'm ready for the divorce to be finished. I have a financial incentive.


Don't know. Haven't talked to OMW. At our last conversation, she was frustrated with me because I passed along information that eventually messed up her communication with POSOM. And I was frustrated with her because I realized that she has been letting him cake-eat all this time and that she's basically helpless against him. BR reminds me that spouses of alcoholics (which is what she--and BR--think POSOM is) are often more messed up than the alcoholic. Things could be very different if OMW had proceeded different, but that wasn't something I could control. So, anyway, I haven't reached out to her again, and she hasn't reached out to me.

I'm feeling pretty good when I'm not thinking about this stuff, which I have been a bit more over the past couple of days because the SCQ is asking me about taxes and lashed out a bit when I said I thought we should do them separately. So far I haven't let it shake me--staying productive at work, good with the kids, no depression, looking forward to my self- (kid-free) time today and tomorrow.

Morning, Guy Smiley!

Just wanted to check in and say "hi". You sound pretty good. Glad to hear you are finding a restful place without letting it get you into depression.

As a parent, I tend to feel guilty when I look forward to time away from DDs. But since there is not much we can do about it, we might as well enjoy it while we can.

As both my DDs will be in high school next year, it is really hitting me how quickly the time passes and they are grown before you know it.

Hold them close while you can....take care of yourself, and welcome the new day that comes, challenges and all. The alternative isn't so great.

Fox

Hi SDGuy- just wanted to say that my dad worked in a lab all his working life (microbiology- don't know what kind yours is, don't know the acronym you called it)- and we always LOVED going there as kids. And it was especially impressive when my dad had one of his grad students help me insert a vector into a gene for my semester biology project!!!

I can still smell the alchohol-y, chalk dusty smell and remember twirling on the stools...

Thanks for the memories!!

What's-her-face would be lucky if you still wanted her after all this.....

HTH

My kid LOVES to come to work with me where I do my "Science" (what DS calls my job). He even said he wants to be a scientist when he grows up; of course, he also wants to be Indiana Jones, which is pretty heavy competition.

I usually set my son up with a pipettor, some pipet tips and some colored water, so he can do some 'science', too, when he accompanies me to do MY 'science'.

He actually got angry last time I went to work on the weekend and didn't allow him to accompany me.

That is so awesome! What great memories your children will have.

Fox