does anyone know if there is any materials approved by MB about making amends that are on Audio or video?

I wrote all that before I realized he has bipolar.

Is he medicating for it?

OH yeah.. after we got married and in dealing with these dreams that started the whole discussion of his feelings that he failed to tell me about prior to marriage.. he was also diagnosed as Bi-Polar ... mainly depressive... and i have spend over 20K in his counselling alone and in his doctors and medication

He can not support jake and himself on his salary.. so i suppose that he stays and tells me what i want to hear, in part to maintain a standard of living and roof over their head.. he does not contribute one dime to OUR two children... nor the household


what do you do with someone who will not tell you the truth ( via amends) despite being told to rectify his previous delusion and fantsy thought and despite knowing the truth..

when i have asked for it in the past.. over 6 months ago...I got the information that he secretly still held he on a pedestal.. that is when he left

three of the best psychatrist in my town.. one who does not accept insurance

Lamictal, selexa.... seems to work best.. no depressive episodes, to where he can not get out of bed.. no violent outburst

all counselling started as marriage counselling then progressed to i need to see H alone before we can work on the marriage...

I HAVE NO HOPE, NO JOY< NO DREAMS

Well...I think you need to ask yourself what you really want then.

Do you want to stay married to him or not?

Do you want to stay but put some firm boundaries in place, see how things are in 6 months, or are you ready to separate right now?

This feeling sorry for yourself isn't proactive. He has some real issues, but YOU need to concentrate on the things you DO have some control over - and the first order of business if figuring out what it is you're willing to put up with and what you are NOT willing to put up with - how long you're willing to wait to see a pertinent change in him, etc.

If you choose to separate, remember the children need a reliable, healthy caregiver. If living together is a detriment to that - is a threat to their well being, perhaps you need to suggest he move in with his mother for a while and give the boy a choice of whom he wants to live with, assuring him he is very much wanted and welcome to stay with his siblings. Whatever you do, I suggest you try and be present in his life - be a maternal figure to him - be there for him - be a friend, and remember he's an innocent child in all of this.

You should not have to leave the home with your kids. It's a part of their security, and uprooting them could compound the negativity of a separation.

Also wanted to mention while it's on my mind that your husband may be eligible for SSI due to his bipolar. Sometimes the red tape is a pain, but I've heard that people are sometimes eligible, and this could help offset the cost of his medications. I would also keep track of all your expenses involving his care, and see if you can claim any of it.

This is just one link that may be of interest:

http://www.disabilitysecrets.com/medicine-medication-prescription-drugs-bipolar-disorder.html

my husband will not qualify for SSI.. he is employed.. ia am an attorney...

his mother is not an option.. he has cut all links to her

jake would love to see me fall off the planet.. so him and his dad could go back to revelling in the fact that his mother was so wonderful without me getting upset..he is defiant, manipulative, deceiptful, and dangerously angry to the younger children... he gets violent when rules are applied to him and takes it as a personal attack.. he feels he is above rules and has stated that he should not have them applied to him because he is so superior and entitled due to his mom being his father's love and he the product of such

i do not have to leave MY house.. when all this secret that he held from me first came up i made him sign a postnuptial... my business, my house, my cars , my retirements and all future earning are protected

jake does not consider the two babies his siblings. they are simply a wedge between his father and him and he despises his step brothers unless he can steal something of theirs from them or use one of their items

what do i really want.. i wanted a husband who loved me.. who adored me.. he was faithful.. who placed noone above me.. who cherished me above all others

I don't say this very often, but unless there's more to the story (his side) than you're telling, you might as well just leave so that you can both have the family you need. Let them spend the rest of their lives reliving the past, and let you raise your sons in a healthy environment. I don't often give up on kids, but it sounds like Jake is damaged goods and can likely become violent to your sons. I would send them packing if it was me. Sorry, but they scare me.

i tried to be a mohter to jake but his grandmother and dad kept perpetuating a fantasy that would not allow him to accept or bond with me or his siblings

i worry about your children too... can you imagine how they must feel living in this mess? (your kids from a previous marriage I mean) although all kids probably are feeling it.

i'd be out of there too. i'd say they need to leave until he gets the help he needs and until he can put his new family first and foremost.

i personally could not live like that and in this sitch, my kids would definitely come first.

mlhb

What will you do at this point? What are your plans? You need to make some decisions here.

I get that you're hurting and in pain. I understand that he did you wrong. I'm hoping when and if you move on, that you'll be able to forgive him in view of his disorder and inability to empathize properly.

His son has obviously inherited some problems - could be FAS, but it could also be bipolar as well. It's very unfortunate. I hope they both get the help they need, especially with no support network.

I'm daring to suggest that you, being the responsible person you are, get the resources lined up, names of doctors, etc., and suggest that he arrange for Jake to get some psychological testing done. He may require medication that he isn't getting, and he may need help that is available.

A DNA test to determine if he's the child's actual father certainly could aid in determining if he's predisposed to bipolar as well.

I don't think this guy talks about how great his first wife was because it's the truth. I think he does it because it's the magic way to hurt you and still look like he's just being faithful to her memory. I can't think of any constructive reason to say that ANY woman is better than you, dead or not. But it hurts you, lowers your self esteem, and allows him some level of control.

You and your children don't need this.

why would he need to hurt me?


I just wish i could know whether many widowers act this way and it is just a reaction to death or that he is just a damaged individual or that he is just mean and selfish...

I sometimes feel that there should be a warning on widow and widowers that they are so damaged that they are often incapable of being ion a biblical fully committed relationship because they are still responsible to and for the previous relationship more than they can ever be with or toward you.

THis concern about violence is what two therapists said.. no just with jake but with my H

He hurts you because he can. Explaining why an abusive person is abusive would take entire books.

This isn't usually something that one event creates in a person. I'd bet money that he treated his deceased wife the same way.

is there any fixing that situation of his abuse.. ie is there anything i could do to remedy the situation... or should i just get out while i still have the strength

You said yourself that you have no hope and no dreams...etc.

This is what I think...

I think the man has issues and needs to have medical attention on an ongoing basis with his medication levels checked regularly to ensure that his dosing is accurate.

I think the man needs individual counseling on an ongoing basis.

I think you need individual counseling to help you make a clear decision on what you want for yourself and your children.

I think the boy has issues and needs a psychological assessment by a trained professional.

I think you need to put a time frame on how long you're willing to wait to see significant changes in your husband and the marriage.

I think in the case of a widower - you have every right not to be compared to or put down with regard to his past experiences with his wife.

I think you deserve respect.

I also think that it is unreasonable of you to think he shouldn't love his former wife. I think in cases of remarriage, residual feelings are normal and should be respected. I do think people are capable of loving another person, but to expect a clean slate is just not doable or realistic. Everything in moderation, not extreme, but to expect him to never talk about her, or (for instance) put all pictures of her away, etc. is unreasonable. I think it would speak volumes to him to show compassion for his wife and son due to their loss and to even suggest some sort of memorial, to take the boy to the cemetery with flowers on Memorial Day, etc. That child has a right to know where his mother is buried, and frankly, he has a right to know who his real father is, if possible.

It all boils down to what you feel is reasonable and what you can live with versus what you simply cannot abide.

I have trouble understanding why you've had 2 children together with all this going on, but I can understand how things just happen too. I just figure there must have been something there to get you two together. What was it? Your pity? Fill us in.

These are some very good point.

The comments I mentioned earlier:

lower than that dead wife

if that white trash was better

shadow of a dead drunk 10th grade educated unfaithful dead wife..

are reflective of YOU and not her. These are the comments from a cold, unfeeling, callous person and you are painting yourself in this light when you use these words when talking about his deceased wife, and the mother of your stepson. It keeps you ingrained in bitterness and ugliness.

I have been widowed TWICE...both times by the time I was 42 years old.

The gentleman in my life now has been very understanding of this. He knows that I need to "talk" about my late husband at times. He knows that I shared a very important history with this person. He was special in my life at one time. I am who I am because of that life.

Your comments are ugly. I know that you need to vent, but these kind of comments aren't helpful to you.

committed