It makes total sense, thanks for sharing this with us.

I'm sure you noticed it too, but I've come to realize that understanding all the complexities around an affair requires that we become a kind of empirical psychologist ourselves. Often, I find that I do a better job at analysing my husband's behaviours and needs than the therapist herself.

Thanks again for your valuable insights.
Juliana

In response to the original post:

They didn't stop themselves because they didn't want to, plain and simple. They could have. The decision was theirs, and they made a conscious decision to go through with it. They wanted to screw the OP. It was new and exciting, and worth the risk to them.

It might make a BS feel better to imagine that their WS was "out of their head" or in some "WS fog"...somehow they just weren't themselves.

That's crap. They thought about it with a clear head, figured out what they had to do and say to get away with it, then did it.

The WS is always 100% responsible for the A. To give them any wiggle room in the blame department is only fooling yourself.

Yes, your WS was THAT awful.

I have to say that I totally agree with you, Krazy71....

I so much agree with this. I personally do not believe in "fogspeak" or "aliens". They knew full well what they were doing at the time but chose their happiness (or whatever you want to call it) over their spouse.

I think there may be something to the "fog theory" after d-day, but unless the WS has a mental illness worthy of a straightjacket, they knew what they were getting into. Hell, it was "what they were getting into" that made their loins all sweaty in the first place. Sickening.

Krazy, I think your posts are exactly right.

I can tell you, having been a cop, people would use the same type of crappy logic when they were trying to explain criminal behavior...infidelity is just a different crime.

Given the nature of affairs, the acts are premeditated. No one ever fell over...had their clothes magically fall off and found them-self impaled on a member. NEVER, not once. Each step of the way took planning and action...most likely planned deceit as well.

People talk about a chemical release and all this other stuff....bottom line is you can get the same release from chocolate and it would NEVER be an issue if they hadn't been open to an affair in the first place.

But, people make mistakes...it is okay to divorce them if they commit adultery...in fact it may be the healthy thing to do. But there are people that have enough of a history and hopefully a future with their WS that it is worth the effort to get past these intentional acts.

I agree with you, too. I just don't want to see any BS let their WS off the hook too easily.

In my opinion, terms like "fog" and "slippery slope" are only useful when minimizing what the WS did...either to relieve the WS's guilt, or to make the BS feel better about the p.o.s. they married.

I totally agree. I think the fog comes later on when the wayward spouse is trying to justify what happened and is happening. It is then that all of these excuses pop up and the thinking becomes fogged. History gets rewritten and the OM/OW is held up on a undeserved pedestal.

Initially though, it was a choice to get involved, or a series of choices. For my FWH it was slow and insidious, however, he could have easily done the right thing which would have been to open up to me about what was happening. Instead he went with the flirtation and things got out of control.

Hello everyone,
As he promised, my husband has posted his story on the forum under "I cheated and I need to understand the real reason" by Josef. He's gotten a few interesting comments. Some of them were posted by one of you who was kind enough to offer him your views, thank you! If anybodyelse has things to add, I will greatly appreciate if you could post on Josef's chain.

Thanks again for your generous help,
Juliana