WW called few minutes ago and I sensed guilt in her voice. She said she couldn't understand her feelings and that she could imagine no other future but with me. She said she is afraid my changes will not be permanent and wanted to cause me no hurt.
Said she thought my text sounded like I was giving up on us. I explained that what I wanted to express in my text is that I am taking control of my life not let my life control me.

She was then interupted by business and said she would call back.

I really don't understand my WW, except she is caught in an addiction she really doesn't want, but won't reach out for the help to get over it. She doesn't seem to understand that continued contact regardless of her feeling our future is together simply will not work.

I am not going to LB this, I will be traveling to see her with DS7 next Tuesday and we will see how she receives me. She already rented a room for me as she only has a small room in friends house. Last time I slept on the floor. I asked her half joking if she would stay with us one night she said maybe. She wants me to call her more often which I really don't like to do. I feel so much better when she contacts me as I never know her frame of mind. I think she wants more conversation with me but she knows my number and I am always available to her. I will text her some more and call a little more.

She also mentioned that I stopped saying ILY very much. Well she hasn't told me ILY at all just I care for you. I will start to drop it a little more often, I really think Plan A has done some good. I really tried to help her with her insecurities with regard to gambling, that part of my life is so dead.

My plan for remainder of this week and weekend is simply more of the same stuff. Plan for Tuesday when I see her is to look, feel and sound great. She did note how good I look, hope some of her friends r around when I see her. I hate to flirt but I'll let them flirt with me all they want in front of her. Always brings her closer to me.

And how is YOUR recovery going? Hope you are sticking to doing what you need to do. Now you can see (by watching your wife) how powerful an addiction is.

It sucks, but the BS usually has to do most of the heavy lifting with very little in return. Don't expect anything from her and you won't be disappointed.

My recovery from gambling is doing well, 3 months sober March 20. My IC has been very good and well worth the time and money. I am going to ask WW if I can send her 31 reasons to stop an affair which I have on PDF. I have been careful not to push to much information on her. I did give her "Hope for the Separated" by Chapman and I know she started to read it. My DIL gave her "Walk away Woman" and I know she at least read part of that. She took the 5 Love language quiz for me a few days ago, something we did many years ago but I had forgotten her love language which turns out to be quality time with words of affirmation a close second. BTW mine turned out to be physical touch not much of a surprise to me.

Her mind and heart seem to be in a good place to break off affair but I don't want to push or smother. She stood by me for through many years of addiction and I will do the same for her.

It's usually not a good idea to try to educate a person in the midst of an affair. UNLESS THEY REQUEST INFORMATION.

If Quality time is important to her, it's easy to work with. When you see her next, take her out to do something she loves to do. A play, or dinner, or both.

My W loves quilt shows, art shows, plays, concerts, and things like that. You get lots of $$$$$ in the love bank when you meet their needs.

SS

Your right not a good idea to send the PDF. She is in pain as well as me, I can hear it in her voice. She seemed very concerned when she thought I was ready to give up on her. Truth is, I can do nothing for her but pray and believe God until she wants to stop she will not. Believe me when I say that I understand this from my own addictions.

After you figure out what her needs are, you ought to plan on ways to meet her top needs every day if you possibly can.

You should do this in writing - write what you will do today, tomorrow, and the next day, and so on. (this is for you to keep track, not something you show her)

Then check it off when you do it. Concentrate on running the plan, not on her mood swings. If you concentrate on what she says and does from day to day, it can through you way off.

Concentrate on what you are going to do, and how you will meet her needs. Look at the contact you have with her in that light - how each contact can help you meet those needs.

You don't have to avoid her except when she contacts you, but don't chase her.

You can text her with things like:

"I drove past a patch of spring flowers, and it reminded me of you - thinking of you."

Meet that need for admiration, and conversation, and so on. This is an example, you need to figure out what will work, but please do make a formal plan, write it down, and do it every day. That's where you need to concentrate your efforts.

If you spend your time thinking "she said this, so I need to do this" it won't get you anywhere.

SS

Thanks for your help still seeking. I will begin making a list today, I a very reactionary in my approach and need to work my plan and realize it is a process.

Was reading on another thread how the WS keep an A going because OP threatened all kinds of crazy stuff. Gave me a sick feeling that what if OM has threatened WS about talking to me about A. I know its probably not the case but made me think.

Pretty good day my son dropped off my 3 grandsons this afternoon while they went shopping. The children always bring out the best spirit in me. I did get a little depressed when I thought how terribly hurt they would be, if they found out Nana has a boyfriend and didn't want papa anymore. I simply cannot allow that to happen.

Talked with WW twice today she is at a horse show. The more busy she is the less she can think about OM.

As far as me, DS7 is on spring break and we are enjoying each other. May go visit our 2nd son Sun or Mon in Seattle.

I'm from Seattle, and my mom and sis live in that area. I took 3 trips there last year when my dad was sick, and really enjoyed it. But it did SNOW there yesterday!!!!!!!

I like SS's idea about meeting her EN's even if it is only in writing. I LOVE to get real letters, and my son's still send them. I keep every one and have for years, and I go back and reread them.

WW very distant yesturday didn't really want to talk with me, first time in many days. Texted her a very sweet note yesturday and received no reply. She called and talked with DS7 for about 2 minutes last night then me for about 30 seconds. She then said our daughter was calling and got off the phone.

Wonder why the cold shoulder, funny thing is when I got off the phone 2 minutes later daughter called me. I said mom said you were just calling her, she said she did, asked mom to do something for her then called me. Well we spent 40 minutes talking, but I'm afraid I talk to much about ww when the kids call, need to stop that and enjoy the time.

As far as ww frame of mind who knows where she is. Of course I pray its withdrawl but probably not. Daughter told me mom told her a few weeks ago that her mind is so screwed up. It does me some good that she admits that, she has told me the same thing. Not going to call or text her today, let her make the next contact, think I'll let the next call go to voice mail.

Going to church later this am. Then I think I'll go see the kids at ski resort where they will be snowboarding today. This business of being on personal leave is really starting to suck, too much time on my hands to think. Can't wait to get back to work at least I can have adult interraction.

How much longer are you on leave? Try to stay busy and do some nice things for yourself. Be sure to get out and enjoy life. Exercise and do things that you love but never got the chance to do. It isn't good to be isolated.

Scheduled to start at my new office May 1st, that sucks.

Hey Jim,

Just read through your thread...

It's still early days, my friend, even though it probably feels like an eternity for you...

Based on WW's actions, it's clear there's still contact.

You keep saying things like "but what can I do"... There's MUCH you can do.

As many have said, you need to work on YOU first, but that doesn't mean you can't ATTACK THE AFFAIR as well.

Don't forget the "stick" of plan A!!!

How exactly do you know the phone # is OM? Has WW admitted to continued contact?

You should personalize a version of a NC letter and present it to WW the next time you see her.

I'd suggest saying "OK WW, it's time to wrap this thing up. I know something about addiction and have faced mine. It's time for you to do the same...for you, for me, and for our children. You don't wait until it "feels right" to end an addiction, you just do. Please read this letter and see if it fits the bill. We can put it in the mail together and put this behind us."

She's cake-eating, my friend, don't enable it.

As I said over on my thread, she's not talking about D...that's HUGE!

Best of luck, and I'll be checking up.

OBTW, did you get any sun breaks this AM? I'm on the western side, how 'bout you?

I am on the east side, moving back to the west side in a few weeks. BTW thanks for your post

Yes WW has been honest about contact, she is so messed up. Says the only future she can imagine is with me but can't break it off. POS OM must be very persuasive as well as WW deeply addicted to the contact.

I was very angry at her this am for the first time, I have been very understanding as I realize I really did creat the envirement where this was possible. Today I am to pick up her wedding ring from being sized. I am not even going to mention it tomorrow when I see her, see if she brings it up. I gave her my wedding band a few months ago, told her something stupid like she could give it back when she wanted to commit to marriage. She is very careful not to make any commitments with regard to recovering our marriage. She is a pretty stand up woman and values honesty. She knows if she makes any committment it means A must stop so she is cake-eating.

When my sister found out a few weeks ago that I wasn't wearing my wedding band she really gave my the 2 x 4. She is divorced and says she is an habitual flirter and she always looks for the ring first. I searched the house here and can't find it. Asked WW and she says she has it.

I am going to write a NC letter and have it with me, we will see if her frame of mind is such that I can share it with her. Really bad day yesturday and last night, have to shake it off and get my Plan A in gear for the next few days.

Talked with WW she has decided to come here rather than my going to her. She really wants to see grandkids and she had a nightmare last night that really bothered her and made her really want to see the children. Doesn't realy matter to me either way glad to have her.

Talked with my daughter on the phone, I wrote a letter to WW and ran it by daughter. Basically it is an apology from me to WW about how I understand how my addictions caused her great pain and a desire to make amends to her. It also asks her to make a committment to our marriage and let God grow something beutiful from the ashes. She has dropped so many lines about us and our future carefully not using any committment to marriage language. Both daughter and I think its time for a move on her part to at least attempt to work with me.

Not exactly MB principles but I need to know exactly where we are. She may say no and that of course will hurt me but I still need to know. She may say I'm not ready yet, or she may be open to the possibility. There are no LBs in the letter, no ultimatums, nothing about OM. Just a sincere apology and desire to make amends on my part and the carrot of piecing our marriage. I plan to read it to her tonight as God leads.

Go ahead let me have a 2x4 if you think I am crazy.

Sounds like a good thing. Making amends is always wise when you have hurt someone.

What are you going to do (with her) when she comes to visit?

SS

I wish her reason to come here was simply to see me but it is to see DS7, our oldest son, DIL and grandkids. I simply happen to be here. I am sure she is already making lots of plans to spend time with them.

I simply am going to put on best plan A and see what we do.

She called and is about an hour away I'm already a nervous wreck, but the house is imaculate and I have her ring, hope the time will be right to give it to her. She hasn't wore a wedding ring for about 7 months. I am going to spend some time with the Lord before she gets here.

Never thought after 17 years that I would be so nervous about seeing my wife.

I think I would hold up on giving her the ring. It may feel like you are rushing her. Wait until the affair is over for sure and she wants to come back to the marriage.

I am going to spend some time with the Lord before she gets here.

That's the best help you could ever get. I hope it worked for you.

Let us know how it goes.

SS