I live in Mississippi and don't know all the legalities or what not..but I am concerned about dating while separated/divorcing.

My husband says that he wants a divorce and has filed. Then he turned around and said that he didn't file yet. I don't know if he is lying or what.

I basically want to know if it is Christian to date during this time. I am a Christian, but my husband is not...so he probably doesn't care if it is right or wrong, but I do.

I feel like he is already dating someone or at least having sex with someone because he does suspicious things and refuses me at all costs. I feel like it is totally unfair to me because I deserve someone that is going to be there for me also....he told me that he just wants to be alone...what a cop out!

Generally, it is not a good thing to date while married. Typically, married people don't date around. That's sort of the idea of marriage.

You know, being married is a little like being pregnant. You either are pregnant or you aren't....well, you either are married or you aren't. There's really no such thing as sort of married or sort of unmarried.

If you are legally separated and not living in the same home (which in some states like mine you cannot be legally separated and live in the same home) in the eyes of the law you are totally able to date.

As a Christian, that is a tough call. We are told we to follow the laws of man BUT, I don't feel that God would bless any dating relationship I had until divorced. I really feel that is part of the reason exbf and I did not work out (we started dating and neither one of us were divorced). Not the only reason by far that we did not, but I wonder how God feels about those not divorced dating.

I think it is something to pray about.
But if you are living in the same house, no legal sep, and no divorce filed, no, I would not think it would be ok to date.

mlhb

kizzy - You just had a baby. You aren't even 6 weeks out from your C-section. Why on earth are you even asking this? To get back at him? You're upset, but this isn't what your kids need from you right now.

Your hormones are raging, and this is NOT the time to be making any kind of major decisions, least of all whether to date or not.

Concentrate on being a good mother and forget men for a while. Cut yourself a break and reflect a bit on how this all happened and why you were/are attracted to someone who treats you poorly. You're going to have to get that straightened out in your head before you can even hope to find someone normal and maintain a healthy relationship.

Besides, dating before you're even legally separated or divorced is like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. Dating seriously prior to a year two past a divorce is just asking for trouble anyway. You need that time to reflect on what went wrong and what to do right next time.

Get some legal counsel about support so you can get some help with the bills.

Please listen to Soolee. You have a child to think about now - concentrate on the baby for awhile. Think about why your marriage didn't work. Be honest with yourself about what part you played in it not working, so that you won't just repeat it with the next guy. Your child deserves better than that. I believe common logic says that you should not date for AT LEAST a year after your divorce is final, to ensure that you don't just jump into bed with someone just to boost your ego, without thinking about whether you really belong together.

Take the next year to read up about marriages, so you won't make the same mistakes. There is a lot of good material on this website, that will help you learn how to have a healthy marriage, one that lasts a lifetime.

I don't think the entire question is whether or not SHE can date - though that seems to be part of it.

In my opinion, neither of you should be dating. You are still recovering from the birth of your child - that probably makes all this that much harder. Perhaps, you feel more strongly for religious reasons. But, that doesn't make his bad choices into ethically sound ones.

To date while married does not seem ethically sound. It does not seem wise. It does not seem to be the choice a person of good character would make.

I have to say - listen to soolee!! Like I responded on the other post - you have to be able to love and care for yourself before you can love and care for others. It doesn't sound like you think too much of yourself if you have to start dating again already. And no, I don't believe God would smile on any relationsip that got started under these circumstances. I was already divorced before I started dating again, but I still picked the same type guy - the one that Dr. H said get away from stat! Now when I run into a guy that seems nice (even though I'm not dating yet) there are a lot of things I see that I didn't consider before. But if I hadn't taken the past year without men, just focusing on myself and why I do the things I do, I wouldn't be able to catch a lot of the negatives that are red flags. I'm using my time to learn more about me. What I actually want, what I actually need, and how to go about getting that and what I deserve.
Take your time. Time can be a friend if you use it well. It only feels like an enemy if you try to rush to get something you feel desperate for.

Sounds like you need a lot of healing. Like Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend say in those books I mentioned before, healing takes grace, truth, and time. Give a little of all three to yourself and meet up with safe friends that will give you the same. It will make a difference. It has for me. Oh, Cloud and Townsend are both Christian counselors that work for a very large mental hospital as well as their own private practices so they run into all kinds of situations. And they give all kinds of examples in their books and back everything up with scripture. Another one of their books that I forgot to mention is FALSE ASSUMPTIONS -- TWELVE CHRISTIAN BELIEFS THAT WILL DRIVE YOU CRAZY. When I started praying and asking the Lord for guidance, that is the first book I felt led to read. WOW!! I didn't know just how messed up I was with what I had been taught was "right" according to Christian beliefs - none of it worked. That's why I started hunting answers. All of the guidance I got from their books, once I applied them to my life, started changing my life for the better. I feel closer to God now than ever before - I can open up and pray the truth to him instead of trying to pray like I was taught (what he wanted to hear). He's not asking for you to send him a good prayer, he's asking you to be who you are - if you're mad, tell him, if your happy, tell him, if your sad -tell him --THAT'S what he wants from you. When you're unsure of something tell him and ask for his help - that's all.

Don't try to start a new relationship while you're still in one that isn't working. You won't get anythin but heartbreak and more problems.
Take Care,
Becki

I don't think the issue is whether it is legally or morally right so much as what dating right now would do to you emotionally. Going through a divorce or seperation and having a baby is stressfull enough, please don't add dating to it! And while dating might not SEEM like a stressfull thing, it is......if the guy is a dud, that adds stress, if the guy is terrific, it's still stressfull and think what you are doing to him; adding all these problems to his life. Give yourself some time to heal and figure things out.......there will always be men out there to date when you're ready, so there's no hurry. Really, I'm speaking from experience.

Anna

Okay, I will definitely wait to date. I was just asking because my husband doesn't seem to want to pay for the divorce that he wants soooo badly. I told him that if he wants to divorce then he has to pay for it being that I am taking care of all the stuff that he left me with...kids, two cars, and outrageous bills. I don't have much money being that I am just a teacher...plus I am having to take all that I have just to pay bills while I am on maternity leave. I wasn't prepared for this separations at all!

I really don't want to date. I simply want him to come home. I think HE is actually the one that is messing around on me...not the other way around.

Where I live, the Separation Agreement is the document that covers everything from division of assets, custody, child support, alimony - all of it. The actual divorce is just a piece of paper that is only every required when you go to remarry. Also here, the separation agreement can be written up yourselves, it just has to be signed by both parties and a witness. So it can be free (or you can pay a lawyer to have it done for you). Within this type of legislation, many people don't even bother with the divorce until they are ready to remarry, so dating in a state of separation is quite common.

The reason I tell you all that is that if there are similarities in your jurisdiction, perhaps you don't even have to worry about the divorce at all. Division of assets, custody and all of that you need to do. If your WH really wants a D, let him get it himself, unless you find yourself in a position to remarry before he does. This is exactly what I have done. I did the SA, and I did it as quickly as I could because at the beginning he was willing to throw away everything. I wrote it myself (I used OWH's as a template) and had a lawyer check it over and give me some legal footers to ensure that WH couldn't go back on it. It cost me $300 for an hour of his time. WH is now screaming for me to sign D papers (I think he wants to marry OW). He doesn't need my sig after a year has passed so I've told him I would only sign it if he would agree to checking the adultery box and writing in OW's name. He won't do that (wouldn't want to tarnish poor s**t's reputation would he?) so he gets to wait until his year is up and then I'll just receive my D certificate in the mail.

KP,
As a Christian you should not date because you are married. I went though a D ten years ago from my WW I refused to date until the judge says i was not married. And then I started dating. It was not easy not to date it took two years, but looking at it I was married. By the way I went out the day the D was finial. I hope this helps.

Blessings

AF

Yes, it IS wrong.

Breeze on over to GQII, JFO or Plan A/B boards and witness the thousands of BS on there where their WS are telling people (incl. the OP) "the marriage has been dead for YEARS" or "we've been separated and are divorcing", etc. etc. etc. .... all unbeknownst or without agreement of the BETRAYED SPOUSE.

There have been hundreds (if not thousands) of recovered marriages in my 8 years reading MB where the WS was touting "Divorcing or almost Divorced".

There is no almost divorced. You are either divorced, or you are STILL married. Behave accordingly.


Jo

Amen brother

That would be Amen "Sister".

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see a lawyer separated legal.

What happens if one of the spouses date?

Technically and legally there was no affair or cheating.

Most of the time the spouse that dated makes the other spouse feel the same as a BS during an affair.

The affair stuff starts, even if the dating has stopped. When attempts at recover there will be a Dday, then everything else follows. NC, questions, feelings of betrayal, anger, constant need to check up on, be an open book, etc, etc, etc...

If no infidelity was involved before there is one to recover from now. If one was having an affair before there is now two recover from. Nothing as making recovery easier.

KP-
I just thought I would add this too....

One of my good friends started to date someone that had been separated for over a year and the divorce is proceeding. They got along great for several months, then her boyfriend had a court date to decide custody of the children. He saw his STBXW and BAM!
He got confused. He felt trapped...

He broke up with my friend, broke her heart, and now he is not sure if he 'wants the divorce'... (BTW, he never wanted the D, his W did).

So this is something else to consider, if you are NOT divorced, a LOT can change, and do you want to confuse someone else too? I know that I didn't when I was going through my D....

IF you do get a D, there will be plenty of opportunities to date THEN.

oh so sorry

Did the bible change. I thought divorce was not allowed except in very specific circumstances.

No I am not a religious fanatic and have been divorced.

It is just the comments about God not approving until divorce is final.

God doesn't approve of divorce so even after he wouldn't approve.

Yes this makes me a sinner, not a hypocrite.

As a Christian who has been set apart from this world and not to conform unto this world; NO. We should not dating or have a sexual intercourse while separated and or divorced.

1. Take time to accept the situation, recovery, move on.
2. Know your self even better.
3. Pursue life closer to the Lord Jesus Christ.
4. Do not have to care about what your husband does. Focus what you do and do the right thing for Christ alone. You will not answer what your hubby doing against HIM and the heaven but you will answer what you do to God.

Hope it helps you....

Love in Christ,
777

I have no problem in dating while you are divorcing. For me, when my marriage was over - it was over. That was it, period, the end. If he had done everything I'd ever asked, and everything he'd ever promised, I would not have reconsidered. I was just done (took me years to get to that point, too...From March 2002 when I first joined MB until February 2006). The legal situation took a bit more time to straighten out. Why would I spend two years (almost) not dating in respect of a marriage that I no longer had? That makes no sense. If it takes two years for the legal system to recognize my divorce, that doesn't mean that my life is on hold.

Now, if you have just separated while angry and neither person has filed, or even consulted an attorney...well, you aren't yet divorcing. Sorry, but dating during that time is not ethically sound, nor is it the best for you.

Whether or not you date should not be dependent on what he does or does not do. This is about you and what you are mentally and emotionally ready for. If you jump into something you are not ready for, you will only set yourself up for more pain.

From a legal perspective, most states will not recognize it as adultry if the dating occurred after the filing of motions for separation/divorce. This varies, but adultry as a legal ground for divorce is diminished even if it happened before separation.

Now, from a religious perspective, that's another matter. From a Christian perspective, it is adultry to have sex with someone while married.