sadgirl,

I'm glad the anti-D's are helping. It will help you stay "cool and calm" while the stress escalates an the OW starts making mistakes. It won't seem like much of "haven" once she starts making demands and showing her true colors. Watch your lovebusters, and start reading some of the material so that when you see him, you feel confident. Okay.

Keep posting.

So we spent several hours together last night, running some errands that involved joint stuff. We had got into a little tiff earlier in the day because I didn't agree to let him and OW pick up the baby from daycare. I asked him again why she didn't have custody of her son. He said she does see him a few days a week but that she just has a lot going on in her life right now. And this is all more important than raising her child??? I don't get it.

But by last night he didn't seem mad about me saying no. I am trying not to LB without him just having a free for all with this situation. We got along fine all evening, it was a little bittersweet and almost tender at times, but he didn't touch me at all or hug me goodbye which he had done the last few times.

She called while we were together and he didn't answer it, but when he listened to the message, he said he needed to call her. The call wasn't really lovey dovey or anything, just very friendly. It hurt so much! When he got off the phone, I said "I have to be honest, that really hurt me" He apologized. I said that I wasn't fishing for an apology, I was simply saying how I felt. He said, no, I really truly am sorry. I wanted to say, for what, having the bad judgement to call her in front of me, or for leaving me for her??? but I didn't. I just kept my mouth shut and managed somehow not to start crying.

So I havent been calling him at all unless it's to return his call or if it is about something financial. The only exception to this is that I have since day one called when the baby and I are going to bed, to let our little girl listen to his message on voicemail, then she coos into the phone and then we both say goodnight. I was wondering if this was too much but she barely sees him anymore and I just don't want her to forget his voice. I want them both to not get out of the habit of saying goodnight, whether we get back together or not. Last night when we were driving around, he said he really appreciated the phone call every night. That it meant a lot to him to hear her voice. I said, it would be really nice if he would actually answer the phone and talked to her in person. (he hasn't once answered the phone at night since she moved in) He must have thought about it because last night when I made the call, he actually answered! I was so surprised but pleased too. So either he set the sl*t straight about wanting to talk to his daughter whether she liked it or not, or she wasnt there. I'm hoping it's maybe because she didn't stay there last night! It would be the first time in the 3 weeks since all this started. Whatever the reason, it was wonderful. We all 3 talked for about 10 minutes and she even said "I love you" to him for the first time! You could tell he was so very glad he answered that phone!

So here I am this morning, hopeful but still missing him so much. I want to call him, but don't have a reason, so I'm going to try and hold back. It's almost excruciating though! I want so badly to call him and say, see how happy we could be together again?

When he said goodnight last night, he said I will talk to you both tomorrow.. which is a first. He usually says I will talk to you later.. like whenever. So maybe this is a small thing but it's encouraging to know that he plans on talking to us today.

One last thing, I had a great time on my hike yesterday and when I told him about it, he seemed a little jealous. That's stuff that we used to like to do together. Now all he does is drink and party. Also, he was really checking me out in my tank top and shorts!!

You did very, very well. He feels the confliction. Keep your poise and control. Review Plan A every single day. Keep refusing to take the LB bait.

Don't read anything into the signals you get back. It's an hour by hour thing for a wayward. Sort of like an emotionally and mentally handicapped lemur in heat. Not very predictable. Not real pretty either.

Good job sadgirl.

you really think I did good?? I am trying soooooo hard! I miss him every moment of every day but am working on staying busy with workouts, reconnecting with friends and anything else that puts a smile on my face. Today I went and bought seeds for a garden. I love working with the earth, growing things. Even though I miss him and there is this deep underlying sadness, there has been a smile on my face all day, thinking about those seeds and how much fun my little one and I will have digging, planting, watering and then watching it all grow!!

Ok.. I'm off to reread plan A... keep rooting for me!

I'm having a harder time this evening. I heard a song on the radio that he used to always sing to me.. Keith Urban's "making memories of us". It makes me so sad to think of what we used to have and now that he is sharing with HER. I'm also worried about him and our financial future. I got a call from him tonight that was almost frantic about some business stuff. I tried calling him back later to see what was going on but no answer. I think he's way in over his head. Which will affect all of our lives of course but also brings up other issues like if he loses the business and his apartment, will they go get something else together or will that propel him back here? And if so, will it be with her on the side??? I'm getting myself all worked up wondering about all these possibilities! But I just keep telling myself to focus only on right here and now. And just do what I can. Maybe he will have to hit rock bottom to realize the mess he's made of his life. I just feel so alone..

Hi Girl,

I know those harder moments all too well. This too shall pass. And do I know when, NO. But I know they do. This is a rollercoaster ride you probably won't ever forget.

We are here with you. I promise you that.

YES HE WILL.

But you aren't. I am here, and others as well. And you are writing on here. The more you write on here the more we get to know you and care about you. And above all else. There is G-d and he is right there with you. You just can't see him because he is holding you up right now.

{{{{{{{{{{{Girl}}}}}}}}}}}}

thank you so much for replying.. I am crying now.. sobbing really. I know G*D is taking care of me now because I am just too weak too even keep going and yet I do somehow.. he is holding me up, as I sit here holding my precious little angel, sleeping in my arms, trusting me to take care of her and figure this out somehow. I wish I could call my husband and just say "sweetie.. we'll figure this out, together, we will figure this out, as a family" but I know he wouldn't listen. He probly wouldn't even answer the phone because SHE is there, probly in bed with him. I hate the thought of that! He should be here with us! I know I wasn't the perfect wife but I really loved him, and I would do so much better if he would just give us the chance. And to the ones who questioned why we didn't actually get married, we planned on it. Life just always got in the way. We had actually bought rings last fall. They are sitting on my dresser gathering dust now. It hurts to look at them. I wonder if we will ever wear them now. I miss him. I miss my best friend. I miss the man who held my hand at night, with our baby laying between us, nursing. Where did he go???

so when I went to call him for the baby to say goodnight, he didn't answer, which means SHE is back.. ugh.. like a kick in the gut, but I knew it was coming. I did tell him I was concerned about him and the business and if he needed someone to talk to, I would be there for him. He has told me several times in the last few weeks that he doesn't open up to the OW, that it's a much more superficial relationship than that. So maybe he will take me up on a listening ear, as someone who knows him inside and out, and loves him anyways, instead of like her, who only knows the facade that he has been trying to present of the outgoing, always upbeat, fun, super successful guy.

Something else he's told me really has me wondering. He swears that they have not had sex. I want to believe him but know it's probly a lie. I mean, he admits that they have slept in the same bed for almost 3 weeks now! But why would he lie to me about it? Embarrassment? To not hurt me anymore? Just because lying is what he does now? I would think anyone else was crazy if they tried to get me to believe that but there are a few reasons I think that possibly this could be true. first of all, when he gets stressed out about money, he completely shuts down sexually, even when we were together. And I know that there must have been financial issues for longer than the last few weeks that he wasn't telling me about, since his truck was repo'd last week. So he must have been at least 3, maybe 4 months behind on it. Also, at 43, there were, umm, some physical issues. We always worked around them, and it was never a problem, but that's in a loving, committed relationship. I can't imagine him wanting to air that with a new young lover. He says that they have kissed but not had sex. Does anyone out there think that might possibly be true or am I just wanting desperately to believe it?? If it is, how long will she want to hang around with a financially strapped guy who is old enough to be her father, when there isn't even a great sexual relationship? And although he used to always stay in great shape, in the last year he has put on about 40 lbs, and then just in the last month at least another 20 or 30. He's having some serious back problems, developed high blood pressure, losing his hair, and going grey all at the same time. I'm not saying that he isn't a great guy, and a very fun outgoing personality, but I think maybe what SHE saw in him is money. On the outside, our business looks very successful, like he (we) could be millionares, but obviously, like any fairly new business, it has a long way to go before we would even be consistantly out of the red, let alone wealthy.

But now I'm rambling.. sorry. I would appreciate any opinions about the sex thing. Wouldn't it be nice if it were true?

Good morning,

I hope you slept well. I am not very familiar with your questions, your writings last night remind me only too well of where I was a few short months ago. It's a place in darkness that I am not likely to EVER forget, but have come to appreciate that I went through it.

People seem to say just move on, you're better off, etc, but the pain exists inside of you and though people are being nice, they don't realize that you just need time to process and walk through this on your time. That's why ALWAYS remember to come here and cry, vent, and know you are understood and cared for.

I don't know your sitch at all. Can you tell me about it? Are you married? Are you working a Plan A? Have you read Surviving and Affair and His Needs, Her Needs?

Sad

Ive been following your story. Im sorry. I sucks when you hand someone your life and they treat it with such disregard. But, I have a couple of thoughts, ok?

1. Sorry, sad. But they ARE having sex. Just get used to it. Maybe, MAYBE, if she was 45 years old, a success, intelligent, etc, there MAY be a BILLION to one chance that they were NOT HAVING sex, but with a 23 year old bimbo? No, theres only one thing those are good for.

2. On that thought. Your man left YOU and a CHILD for..............this... this... THING? Don't get me wrong, a one night stand sucks big time too, but THAT would make more sense. He left HIS FAMILY for someone who DOESN'T HAVE CUSTODY of her own child? (Do you know what THAT means?? DO you know what a mess you have to be for the state to do this?) Do you REALLY want this guy back?

Good luck with everything, I will say a prayer for you. You do your best for the little one, OK?

PS When you told that part about going to the office that YOU helped put together and she was walking around "like she owned the place"...Man, that got under my skin. I wanted to wring her neck. You must have been livid!!!

I'm sorry to say that those "physical issues" are likely to be partly responsible for him getting physically involved with this 23 year old to begin with. A new young lover is very stimulating -- those physical issues tend to disappear, for awhile at least.

But take heart. This might actually be good news. As the "newness" wears off with her, YOU can become the hot and "flirty" one he CANNOT have! TORURE him girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Strappy shoes, red lipstick (23 year olds can't get away with RED lipstick--HA! HA!), short skirts, lip-licking, lip-puckering eye contact....

I have a good feeling that you are going to get him back. Personally, I would hold out for a ceremonial reunion (even a simple city hall civil ceremony) rather than a common law one. If it were me, I wouldn't have sex with him again until he made this kind of symbolic commitment AND had an STD test!

thank you all for your input and support. It hurts to think about but you are probly right, that they are indeed having sex. It makes me sick! I do wonder sometimes if I really want him back after this huge of a betrayal. Part of me hates him right now. He called me two times today without really much to say. I want to think this is a good sign but I'm so angry with him that I don't really care what it all means.

I think I messed up. I had been doing so good at being sweet and lovable too! He wanted to have the baby for the evening and I suggested we all three go out for dinner. He said ok, so I got all fixed up, in my skinny jeans (down 15 lbs so far!), with a sexy low cut black top, my newly highlighted hair flowing, and red lipstick! When I got there to pick him up though (since he doesn't have a vehicle) it was so much harder than I thought to see the shop again. Its the first time I've been back since I found all her crap in the upstairs condo. (the londo as he tells me they jokingly call it.. a cross between a loft and a condo.. eww... gag me) My stomach started to turn and I immediately felt a panic attack coming on. Then he comes outside and says he can't make it, he still has too much work to do. I started crying and said fine, if this is really the life you want, then I will leave you to it, among other things. No huge LB, just the tears but still. I said, why can't you give your family a chance? He said, why? So we can do THIS every day? No thank you. I'm sick of the fighting and tears. I wanted to shriek at him "we're not really fighting, but of course there are tears! You walked out on your family less than a month ago!" but I didn't. I just said ok. If you want this life, so be it. I will let you go. But I do still love you very much and would like for us to be a family, and if you change your mind, and I haven't found someone else, then you know where to find me. But I can't chase after a man who doesn't want me anymore. He said, don't chase after me. I said I won't and left. None of this was in anger, just sadness.

I don't know if I just blew plan a, or if I just launched headfirst into plan b. I've heard how some women do plan a for 3 months. I don't think I can do it a moment longer! I've only been at it for maybe 10 days, do you think thats enough to leave a few fond memories in his mind? Whether it does or not though, for my own sanity I need to back away from him. Please advise!!!

Ok.. now I know I've got to distance myself from all this, for my own good. I just checked my myspace, and saw that he just now added a picture of him and the baby. And not only that, there SHE is, moved up to the top of his friends list. I've been demoted to last... I know it might be stupid but for some reason I found some small comfort in the fact that I was still his number 1 on there. Like it matters, huh? He was probly just too busy scr*wing her to change it before now! I've had it! I'm back to the shaking, crying, hysterical mess I was when all this started! I've got to distance myself and build my life, and if he comes back, and I still want him, then great. But deep down, I don't think I will. He sickens me. I want my baby, my friends, and my garden. I only want good, loving, loyal people in my life, not some scumbag who rips someones heart out for a cheap thrill!

((((((Sadgirl))))))

Sounds like another mini D-Day...those sure suck.

It also sounds like you had some expectations that were predictably dashed.

One of the major tenants of Plan A is that you do what you're doing for YOU, and you can't have any expectations that your WS will take the bait.

No commitment from the WS to recovery can or should be expected as it will be failed expectations that will cause you to lose hope.

You're only weeks from D-Day and have a long way to go, so settle in, take care of yourself and your D.

The more you do so, the more comfortable in your own skin you'll be, and the more you WS will notice that you aren't "chasing" him.

Try "loving detachment". Your looking on Myspace is masochistic at this point...just don't.

Right now you're looking for signs of his coming back, signs that he's changing his mind, signs that what you're doing is "working".

Stop looking.

Chances are it'll take WAY longer than you're expecting.

Remove expectations from your mind.

Focus on the Plan part of Plan A.

Way too early to go to Plan B.

No expectations.

L2F

no.. no continuing plan a, no going into plan b. I'm done with him. The one thing I have asked of him through all this is to not rub my face in this, yet he called her in front of me last night. I've also asked that he not have baby around OW. Then tonight, instead of calling me to come pick up baby, he shows up at my home, my sanctuary, my safe place.. with HER, and all happy with her son and my son in the back seat! I went outside and said how dare you? It then got very ugly. After all was said and done, and he told her to leave, and before he left on foot, he punched me and then knocked me down several times. My heart and home are broken and my body is sore and bruised. I am getting a divorce. No man is worth this.

Thank you for your reply on my thread I also understand your pain.

May the peace of God that passes all understanding keep both our minds.

He did THAT to you?

Please tell me hes been arrested? Because if he ain't, BIG MISTAKE! He absolutely, positively, has NO RIGHT in this EFFIN world to put his disgusting hands on you!!!!!!!!!!!

He HITS you:

after cheating on you
after bringing his PIG over to YOUR HOUSE
after trying to involve YOUR CHILDREN with this scum
after being a total tom,[censored], and harry?

You GOTTA have him canned, you just GOTTA. For you AND your kids.
THis absolute piece of SHEET has to get whats coming to him.
Do it. Do it TODAY.

Can you get protection from someone, family, friends, etc?

Sad,

You need a lawyer right now! And a restraining order. You can stipulate that he not have the OW around your child.

The physical abuse and violent tendencies change everything IMO.

You need to divorce this man and take him to the cleaners as well. Let the 23 yo bimbo have him. They deserve each other.

Who

You are right. The only thing that matters now is your safety and the safety of your daughter.

Get legal protection today.