As far as his need...please tell him that no testicles have ever exploded from not having sex for a few days, or even a few years for that matter. It's certainly fun, but it's a want, not a need.
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why not try to poja from a different angle?
something like....
IF I do not feel up for SF etc.... what can we do that will help you feel sexually satisfied that does not offend ME and make me feel unsafe in the relationship?

To be honest with you...I am suspect that he is abstaining right now....something tells me that he is very much in the habit of using it to supplement his sex life with you and he is trying to clue you in w/o coming clean about his habit....that would require too much vulnerability on his part.
IF I were you, I would first work on making it safe for him to be honest and open about sex w/ you.

I agree with Nia. This is a very serious situation, which you'll see if you peruse these boards. Many marriages have come apart because of porn. Do NOT marry this man until you take this problem apart and fix it. You will regret it. I see his comment both as honesty - at least partial honesty, as he's probably doing it now anyway - and as a threat. I repeat, do NOT marry him until this is resolved. Be careful however, not to just hammer him with your opinion until he just says he won't do it - he will just hide it better, until the day that he doesn't care what you think any more (think of the words, nag, shrew, witch), and starts using it openly - and blaming YOU for his using it.

I truly think that porn gives men, and women, a different sort of release than real sex. Like the guy who said it was unconditional respect for him. I think maybe a better discussion here would be what do people get out of it that they don't get in real SF? It may be something as simple as the rush of doing something people don't want you to do. Once in a while, H and I will park in a deserted street and get it on, and what makes it better - more heightened - is that any minute, some cop could pull up and catch us at it! See what I mean? Maybe in the back of their mind, that eyeball is on the lookout for the wife coming in the room, so his adrenaline's a little racier just for doing it, just like when he was 15 and afraid mom would catch him. Especially in a marriage of 10 or 20 years, when everything has become so mundane; what excitement is left?

That's why I always advocate for people to keep their marriage shaken up; try new restaurants, go to new parks, take different trips, sign up for new classes. Make the marriage new and exciting, and this subject could become just a backdrop, when there's so much more to look forward to. Plus having that better life makes the SF more exciting cos you're both coming to it from a heightened sense of living.

From Harley's EN page:
He uses the list in terms of 'needs', but they are all wants.

No prob, we'll just agree to disagree

Namaste

I am fairly new to MB, and try to absorb knowledge every time I'm here.

Maybe someone can explain something to me. How is acb's fiance being 'open and honest' when he says something like 'if you don't have sex with me I will watch porn and masturbate' even though it's a big LB to her.

How is open and honest sounding like a three year old threatening to hold his breath if you don't buy him some candy? What if one of her emotional needs is empathy?

Do you really want a guy who is telling you that how you feel about having sex with him doesn't matter? He's going to have sex one way or another?

I guess I just don't understand.

I'm new to MB. Just finished reading His Needs Her Needs and saw the website. Since H and I are dealing with this porn issue I thought I would see what the general thoughts are. My H and I have been married for 13 yrs and I knew we were having a lack of intimacy which he refused to address for years. I was utterly shocked when I found the porn on his computer August 2007. If anyone would have asked me if my H would do that I would have had to say, never. Why? Because we have always had an active sex live, I never said no, and was always open to play. Over the years it became emotionless on his part and my needs were not being met. I kept trying to initiate discussion about this and he kept saying if his sexual needs were met he would be able to meet my emotional needs. I knew this to be a fact so I never said no wven though I was starving for emotional contact and was dying inside. He refused to discuss this so we were already in turmoil when I found the porn. He again refused to address this as a problem, other than it being my problem. I was devestated and felt I had no alternatives and was deeply depressed. Finally, while working out one day, I realized that this was BS and I would never tolerate being treated like this by anyone. When I realized this I felt so much better and not so desimated. When he came home from work and went up to his office, again not talking to me (he wasn't talking to me until I "came to my senses"). I went up to his office, apoligized for interrupting him as he quickly flipped his computer screens, very calmly told him this was not working for me, that I loved him with all my heart, but could no longer accept this in our marriage and that I wanted him to leave. That I wanted to set up a time to discuss finances with him so that we could live apart. He looked at me as if I had grown a second head, stared at me, and said nothing. I very calmly walked out. Well those things have worked out and we stayed together and have a strong marriage. But, there is always this sense of uncertainty and queesy feeling I get and I don't really know where he is coming from because he said he'll never look at it online again but that is the extent we have discussed it. He refuses to discuss it other wise. He says he has quite and that shold be good enough. If it should be good enough then why don't I feel the same? Sometimes I wonder if this is all for naught and I'm going to eventually leave him anyhow.

Goodwrench, why are you wasting your time and everyone elses by being here. There must be a corner where you live where you can stand with a person or two you know and chew the fat.

And if you don't know the difference between reading a novel and creating the scenery in your imagination and video pornography where nothing is left to the imagination then you probably aren't old enough to be in this forum....emotionally anyway.

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your feedback.

To answer your questions:

I am here because I think I have something to add. I respect that you do not think I do. Bygones.

I do understand the difference between pornography and reading a novel. Do you understand the similarities? Would you like to have a mature discussion on the subject? If so, great. If not, that's fine too.

Namaste

I suppose that it is better in comparison. I have seen where men have told their SO, when asked, that they do not use porn. They were lying, and hid that use. Years later, the W found out about it and was devastated. The lying was worse than the porn. (Not that they were happy about the porn)

Your question about do you really want a guy, etc. is what I was getting at. Maybe she doesn't want this guy. Better to know that now.

No, I think not... 'mature' being the major snag. But thanks for asking.

I do understand the difference between pornography and reading a novel. Do you understand the similarities? Would you like to have a mature discussion on the subject? If so, great. If not, that's fine too.
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I find the idea of a discussion about the similarities interesting. i think we all might be able to learn something if we are open to it.
I don't have a problem w/ a little fantasy/SF....
the issue *I* do have w/ fantasy/SF is when people in a committed relationship continue to fantasize about having sex with someone else and justify that they NEED it......what EN is getting me by fantasizing/masturbating?

It's being open and honest by revealing to her that he will act selfishly if he doesn't get what he wants. Most men would never admit that. I kind of compare it to friends telling or not telling me that my H is having an affair. I would MUCH rather know if he is, so I can do something about it! I would also much rather know if my future H will disregard my wishes and go to porn anyway, BEFORE I marry him! It also tells me something of his character. Honestly, I think he's a little dumb telling her that; it's like saying, you really don't want to marry me.

As far as reading is concerned, I know for a fact that when I started reading Western novels (I was searching for stories about kidnapping, long story), and found that they are often full of very suggestive text - basically the male version of a romance novel but using much stronger language - well...let's just say if my H had been home at the time of my discovery, I would have jumped him! Like I've said, I keep one of those novels in my sidetable now, and when I particulary want to get hot and heavy with H, I might pull out that little novel and reread the earmarked pages and...there you go!

Reconsider the engagement before it's too late.

You say your first H was involved in numerous affairs interlaced with lots of porn. How long did you put up with that? How long were you single before starting to date your fiance? Have you explored if there is something that attracted you to your H who cheated, and if that also attracts you to your fiance?

If you've already been in one M that ended badly, I would think you'd run the opposite way from someone who showed signs of some of the same bad behavior.

et's just say if my H had been home at the time of my discovery, I would have jumped him! Like I've said, I keep one of those novels in my sidetable now, and when I particulary want to get hot and heavy with H, I might pull out that little novel and reread the earmarked pages and...there you go!
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kidnapping, huh?
the only romance novel I could ever stomach involved a kidnapping.....civil war era... it's pretty graphic and pretty gruff for a romance novel....the 'hero' is very Clint Eastwood.
I first read t when I was 14 and I now have hardback copy of it.....I find myself looking for it every spring. Is that way they call it mating season? LOL

I CAN'T agree with this more! We always recommend that anyone breaking up with any partner consider not dating again for 6 months to a year, just to get a handle on yourself. Learn about yourself. Learn to like yourself. Learn to be self-sufficient and not need to please a man to prove your self-worth. All these things go hand in hand with keeping you from picking yet another deadbeat. Not to say your fiance is, but statistics prove that we nearly always subconsciously seek out the exact same type of person, every time. One reason for that is that we subconsciously seek to marry our father - or make sure we DON'T marry our father, and therefore we look for all these subtle things they do. And we don't even realize it!

So please consider stepping back and doing some reading and maybe therapy on yourself, learn about your FOO (family of origin) issues, maybe start your own thread here, and we'll be glad to offer more specific advice.

I'll start with an illustration. If it is too simplistic, just skip down to my premise.

Think of a marble and a basketball. It is easy to see how they are different. Comparatively, a bball is big and a marble is small. A marble is rigid and a bball has some give. A bball has a textured surface and a marble is smooth. They do, however, exhibit some similarities. They are both spherical, they roll, bounce and are used in games. Therefore, two things can be both similar and dissimilar at the same time.

I concede that a porn movie and "The Bridges of Madison County" are not the same, so there is no point in telling me what those differences are. It is obvious, while the similarities are not so. A valid criticism would be how the similarities I point out are not valid.

My premise: There are some similarities in a porno and "The Bridges of Madison County"

Here are some:

1) They are both FICTION. This is important, b/c some issues may occur when people do not understand the difference between reality and fantasy

2) They both depict behaviors that, if enacted in reality, are NOT healthy for a marriage.

3) They both give an image of men and women that are not applicable to real people.

4) They were both intended to be used as a fantasy escape by ADULTS.

4) They were both intended to be used as a fantasy escape by ADULTS.
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I thought We were comparing SF fantasy ?

lots of things could be intended as a fantasy escape for adults.

I don't see how The Bridges of Madison County was intended to be a sexual fantasy escape for adults. But, I guess some people might....so, if you are comparing it to porn......are you saying it's the escape from reality that the reader/looker is after?

Well, Glenn Close was feeling unfulfilled in her life and had an affair with Clint Eastwood, so yes I see that as a SF fantasy. I suppose you could call it a relationship fantasy with SF.

I believe that escape from reality is one of the reasons that anyone would indulge in fiction of any kind. Take any popular fiction work. Normal people know it's not real. If you watch, say Mission Impossible because you are bored, then your reality must have some elements of boredom. I believe that crime dramas are watched primarily by people who are not in law enforcement.

Ask yourself why you view fictional media, how does it compare to your reality?

Well, Glenn Close was feeling unfulfilled in her life and had an affair with Clint Eastwood, so yes I see that as a SF fantasy. I suppose you could call it a relationship fantasy with SF.

I believe that escape from reality is one of the reasons that anyone would indulge in fiction of any kind. Take any popular fiction work. Normal people know it's not real. If you watch, say Mission Impossible because you are bored, then your reality must have some elements of boredom. I believe that crime dramas are watched primarily by people who are not in law enforcement.



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I believe it was Meryl Streep not Glenn Close.
And I thought we were talking the novel not he movie...but, no matter.
BUT, I don not consider it an SF fantasy....That was HER SF fantasy,not the viewers or the readers.....ONLY if the viewer/reader is watching and putting themselves in the her place and fantasizing about having an affair/relationship/sex etc....... can I see it as SF fantasy.....otherwise, I consider it just entertainment.
Can you say the same thing for porn?


You also said....
Ask yourself why you view fictional media, how does it compare to your reality?

I don not usually seek to view fictional media to fantasize......about SF or anything else.
I think it's quite the opposite w/ porn.
This comparison isn't going anywhere.....are you trying to point out that porn is Not intended for adult sexual fantasy?
or are you trying to point out that a novel/movie that involves any type of sex or an affair IS sexual fantasy?
I am not buying it.

Or are you simply trying to say that porn and a novel or a movie...all fiction as you say....is just an escape from reality? (Is that saying that you are trying to escape the reality of having just 1 sexual partner (your spouse) when you fantasize/masturbate to porn?

let's talk about the differences.