I am happily engaged and getting married in September. I'm also very lucky that my fiance and I have great communication and talk about most everything together.

One of the hardest topics was revealing our sexual histories. While she is a virgin, I unfortunately made many bad decisions in the past (prior to our relationship) and have been with a number of women. I made a commitment to Christ and celibacy until marriage over 4 years ago but my history still bothers her.

She wants to "get over it" (her words) but is just not sure where to turn for guidance with this issue or her feelings of jealousy and/or betrayal.

Any advise, suggested books, articles or scripture would be greatly apppreciated.

Thank you.

1. Did you have sex with any women after you met your fiance?
2. Was she led to believe that you had not been sexually active prior to your meeting?
3. What is the number?
4. How old are each of you?

You said she did not know where to turn for guidance. Why not come here?

I don't understand. Does she think that she's supposed to marry a man who saved himself for marriage? Cos the only place I've seen that kind of guy is on Beauty and the Geek - and that's just because no women would have them.

If she seriously thinks that, you really need to question her logic skills. No offense, but unless you're living in a convent, the real world doesn't work that way. I'm not trying to dis her, it's just that the logic of being jealous of some woman you had relations with before you even dated her...that's just odd. And very illogical. What will the rest of your life be like with her, if she honestly feels that way?

1. No
2. No
3. 10
4. I'm 26, she's 22

Sorry Cat
With this, I can't agree. Its NOT the real world simply because people don't see ANYTHING wrong with being a male or female slut.
Its pretty simple. Sex may be natural, but A TON of things are natural that are harmful. A little self respect, a little respect for others and maybe JUST MAYBE, people will begin to understand just how SPECIAL sex should be.

Again, I know that this thinking is backwards and old fashioned......but so be it.

People go around, screwing anything that moves, get married and then expect 10 years of messing around just to dissolve before their eyes. You mess around BEFORE you marry, and by messing around I mean a steady diet of "sex only", its gonna be TOUGH to just shut it down, once you get married. If you eat like a pig BEFORE you get married, if you do drugs night and day before you get married, if youre sanitary habits are lax, BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED, after the honeymoon phase is over....WHAT do you think you'll be slllllllooooooly going back to? OLD HABITS.

But, he did say he found a reason to turn his back on his old lifestyle. This is 100% a GREAT reason for his fiancee to find some peace.

gg, I think you misunderstood me, I didn't write well, I guess. What I meant was that, unless the two of you grew up together, attended the same church with strict rules about premarital sex, and professed the same beliefs, it's illogical for anyone - regardless of what they believe - to expect they're marrying a Disney princess or prince who never so much as kissed before. Maybe they can be hopeful they're marrying someone with the same perspective, but logic dictates that most people you meet and/or marry who are in their 20s these days will have at the very least kissed before, and most likely at least gone to 3rd base or had sex. To be upset to find out that your fiance has had sex before, in today's age, is very naive. Unless you've discussed it, of course, and the person told you they had had no experience. Then you'd have reason to be upset.

I think this is something that is very difficult for her and some of the others who have posted here will not ever be able to understand.

The feelings she has are there because that is the way God designed us. Sex was intended to be a special gift shared only between only two people. Others who have treated sex like something less than this cannot understand - cannot.

She has kept something very precious and special and given it to you. You have done things that make it impossible for you to do the same. She will have hurt to deal with. I applaud you for taking this seriously. I think it would be worth spending a few bucks sending her to a good christian counselor who can give her some simple help to put this behind you. It is something would would be good to heal up now.

I get the feeling that you're saying she has no reason to be upset. Isn't that basically invalidating her feelings? Is it really 'wrong' for her to feel the way she feels?

And who said anything about her expecting to marry someone who's never so much as kissed before? She's 22 years old and her fiance has slept with 10 people. I think there's a difference. (This isn't meant as a judgment of her fiance, just a statement of the relevant facts)

So she's naive and/or illogical. How is judging her going to help the situation?

I guess I'm just a little too close to the situation, with a daughter who's a junior in high school and is one of the only girls in her circle of some 30 kids who's still a virgin. Some have had multiple abortions by now. Others get pregnant and take their kids to the school-sponsored day care so the girls can still get their diploma. I've seen kids here have 7 or 8 boyfriends/girlfriends in a single year. What was the data I heard the other day? Something like 25% of white girls under 25 have an STD, 50% of Hispanic girls do, and 75% of black girls do. Kids are having sex, folks! And I do include college kids in that group.

D17 tells me almost everything, and I can tell you that the thinking of the under-25 crowd these days is anything but what we adults would call traditional. They commonly discuss who's gay, who's bi, who's sleeping with whom, who's got protection, who doesn't...the only stigma left about it is whether you get in trouble if a grown up catches you, or if you get an STD. Pregnancy is no longer a stigma!

I'm not saying she shouldn't be upset. I'm saying that, if you choose to have a certain mindset about what you think the world should be like, and if it doesn't align to what actually occurs, you should be prepared to be upset. A lot. That's why I asked if they came from the same background. If they were both raised in a deep South Baptist region where everyone in the school was big into chastity, sure, she should be shocked at him being so different from what he came from or espoused himself to be. But if she came from that background, and if he came from the one my daughter's growing up in, it would be less hurtful for her to realize that two people can come from very different backgrounds and, if his doesn't align with hers, that doesn't mean he's a bad person. That's all.

Talk to God about your past, and then tell her you've spoken with God about it. While others may have been with you physically, they did not claim your heart. Your heart is something they never were able to take, but she did and in that way, your heart was virginal and waited for the right person...

From Christianitytoday...

"Jesus didn't die on the cross to take away your feelings. He died to take away your sins. Cleansed of sin, you can work on transforming your feelings into a useful tool for God's service. They need not lead you downward. Transformed, they can give you compassion for the pain of other people. They can give you deep determination not to go wrong again."

If she's the Christian she says she is, as long as you confessed and asked forgiveness, then she believes that Jesus took away the sins of your promiscuity...

For her to struggle with this, means she struggles with her own Christianity.

If she struggles with this, then she is not sure of God's forgiveness overall...

If you'd stolen something, used God's name in vein, killed someone, etc. and asked for God's forgiveness - would she take issue with that as well?

She is not the one who decides if you're forgiven and clean again, and to push someone away who has been bathed in the light is an affront to God. It's like telling God - "You missed a spot."

To struggle with this does not mean she struggles with her faith, with Christianity or any such thing. What Christ did on the cross brought us forgiveness and made us right with God but our sins still bring consequences and pain.

Our sin still hurts and haunts others even though we are forgiven by God.

"To struggle with this does not mean she struggles with her faith, with Christianity or any such thing."

I disagree.

I understand that her response is human. She's a virgin - he has experience. She may have concerns about STDs, his view of women, being compared to, etc. Those are all things they need to talk about and discuss. Perhaps they already have.

However, if she IS Christian, then she believes that God has the capability to wash away his sins. If it's good enough for God, why is it not good enough for her?

If she really is a Christian, it is her duty to also forgive and move past this.

Dude-et, that's some nasty and shallow theology.

Suppose a man killed someone you love. Then comes to Christ and is forgiven.

Are you not going to still agonize forever? Will the pain just go away because God washed their sins away? That's nonsense.

If you have unprotected sex and get pregnant - God forgives you but you are still pregnant (still have to face the consequences of your sin).

So, I guess that if you cheat on your wife and God forgives you, your spouse should not have a problem with it, and should not hurt anymore either? I mean if it is good enough for God it should be good enough for them - right?

Justification forever alters our standing before God - but it does not and never has undone the pain our sin causes others on this earth.

Shallow theology wounds a lot of people.

Not a dude.

Secondly. As Christians we ARE called to forgive as God forgives us. Just because our humanity gets in the way of that, doesn't mean we shouldn't aspire to it. It's easy to say you're a Christian. It's easy to forgive the little indiscretions. It's the biggies that really test your faith.

I'm not saying you should be expected to forget the indiscretion or not be wary of things because of it. God knows we're all human. However, if you really want to be Christian, you have to learn to forgive. That's what Christians are called to do.

We're not talking about murder or rape or any that reprehensible. We're talking about a guy who enjoyed being with women and having SF with them. In HIS mind - and forgive me for pretending to know what you think - it is not a moral issue to have SF with someone with whom you are not married. If she disagrees and feels it's a comment on his character, she probably shouldn't be with him, and should be with someone who shares the same belief system. If she wants to stay with him, she will need to come to some sort of acknowledgment that he is who he is - not what she wants him to be. Which will probably involve forgiveness on her part, if not understanding.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's nothing he can do about this. She's got to come to terms with it or walk.

Well...one thing he can do if he hasn't already is talk to God about it, ASK forgiveness and guidance, and maybe share that with her if he thinks he can. It may help her digest all of this, process it, and put it behind her.

If she can't forgive it, then she isn't practicing Christianity. If she can't forget it, well then...she's human and will have to deal with that on a separate level.

Yes, I agree with you both in this regard. She will need to determine if her fiance's sexual history is a deal-breaker for her. If she can't get past it, it will surely cause problems for the both of them. And there's not much he can do at this point because he can't go back in time and change how he behaved. The most he can do is show her that he recommitted himself to abstinence, which he has done. That, and maybe find a Christian counselor for her to talk to about her feelings.

Why the bold, red type? It isn't necessary to be seen.

Perhaps it would be wise to encourage your child to hang out with a better crowd.