If she wants the truth, she should seek the truth. Some people want to know, others don't. If she wants to know, she'll seek the truth.
See above.
Again, no one is saying she doesn't deserve to know. One should not presume either way. Leave this in HER hands.
She may, she may not. She may have false guilt, she may have REAL guilt for doing the very same things she despised in him.

How can we know?

We can't, which is why it should be her decision alone.

Yes, yes, yes, and yes. She most DEFINITELY deserves to know the truth about her life.

My husband cheated on me many times, even before we were married and I didn't know it. I sure as hayul wished SOMEONE, ANYONE would have told me. I don't care if they're divorced or not. She deserves to know to fill in her missing pieces.

I'd give the dad a chance to tell her first. If he doesn't, I'd do it.

Let me play devils advocate for a moment.

Let me ask the question, doesn't she deserve peace?

I think most will say yes.

What if KNOWING will rob her of her peace. She has buried that part of her life, healed, whatever. What if knowing will bring back all the pain that happened before?

Is it OUR place to decide for her if she should know, or if she wants to know or not?

Just because you are I would want to know doesn't mean that others will want to know.

I still say this is best decided by her, and not him, or anyone else.

good points enlightened...

it can be a slippery slope,,,,

what if the person you tell doesn't have the proper coping mechanisms in place.,,

what if the person telling doesn't have the details needed to set them free..,.,

does her current husband know that she his wife had an affair.,,
does he deserve to the know the truth that he is married to woman capable of engaging in infidelity,,,,
what if this news destroys her current marriage..

what does the father say when the kids say...
YOU tell mom
do they communicate at all
do they all gather together for family functions..
I don't know,....

perhaps a good way is to lead her to asking him herself...
that's where the real 'truth' is,..not the version fed to the children and inlaws....

I still think that not knowing the family dynamics makes it a difficult call,,,

just an opinion

ark

I have the impression that TST's mother is not at peace or healed, with the failed marriage. SMB said the mother harbors pain from the marriage.

I know, that for me, even though I hated finding out about my husband's 17 years worth of betrayals, that everything in my life started making more sense to me when I found out.

I realized that *I wasn't crazy" when I suspected my husband of indidelity and he told me that I was "just being jealous", or "crazy". I realized that everything wasn't my fault when my husband abandoned me and our kids and told me "he just never loved me and didn't think he ever could".

Years later, I found out he abandoned us because he was in a stupid internet affair with a woman who lied to him about who she was. But before I found out,all that time, I carried so much guilt and hurt for being such a lousy wife that my H just couldn't love me.

Then I find out he'd been giving himself to women all this time. I stopped carrying so much of the guilt and blame with me. It made sense to me why my husband was neglecting me and then blaming our problems mostly on me! I still carry some blame, but not like I use to. I still have my faults that I claim, but not like I use to when he was gasligting me into believing *I* was the reason he left.

He left because he was getting his needs met selfishly elsewhere. His infedility bleed into soooo many other areas of our lives. And I'm sure it did for TST's mom too. She'll feel more at peace when she hears the truth. The truth will set you free.

I can almost guarantee you that the mother is harboring a lot more of the burden for that failed marriage than she should be carrying. The father needs to carry some of the burden now. He should have years ago. The mother deserves to at least be asked if she'd like some information about her life that started the destruction in her marriage.

I think so. If I were to ever remarry, I'd like to know if the guy was capable of adultery, and if he still had a wayward mindset.

If she wasn't honest up front with her current husband, that is just another of the consequences you have to face when you hide the truth from someone.

Even Dr. Harley suggest that you interview potential mates to find out this kind of stuff. It's called radical honesty. Can't have true intimacy without it.

There are so many reasons you should tell your mom, but I'll just give you the big two:

1) Your mom has been feeling guilty about breaking up the family. She thought and still thinks that it's mainly her fault because of her affair. As you and SMB both know that the guilt was obviously there. She felt horrible when she found out about your affair. She helped you see the light, isn't it your turn to help her out now, not to mention that she is your mom. You naturally don't want her to continue living with the guilt that she doesn't completely own, do you? To sum it up, it's the right thing to do.

2) SMB clearly wants (I might even use the words "strongly desires") you to tell your mom about the affair. You might think that she is your mom and you have the final decision to make that call. But, the fact is you and SMB are supposed to be "one flesh" and your family is her family too, no to mention that this is her five children's grandma. To sum it up, I have five words for you: The Policy of Joint Agreement.

I am not a long time member, and so my opinion may not count for as much. But you asked what we thought, so I will share, fully acknowledging I could be wrong.
As a son, you are in an awkward position. If this were an ongoing affair in an active marriage, OR if your mother never knew your father had ever cheated, my answer would be different. But since the marriage is both over, and both parties know they were cheated on, I see no purpose to reveal anything else. As of right now, you are in a position to do the best you can to be a support and encouragement to both parents, if they are interested in improving their lives. If you had known the secrets during their marriage, and kept those secrets hidden, it would be different. But you are finding out much after the fact, after the marriage is long over. In my humble opinion, you would be picking a scab from a wound. There is no relationship to save. I don't think either of them would thank you for it, or be benefitted.
It's true that this might be a sticky point with SMB, as keeping secrets was something that damaged your marriage, so be careful not to let your parents' problems become problems in your own marriage.
I humbly suggest, that the two of you pray with each other, and possibly confide in a trusted pastor for advice. I will also pray that God will give you the right answer, whether it agrees with my opinion or not! He is so much wiser than any of us, and HE knows what the results will be either way. Ask Him to reveal His will.
Finally, let me add, it does my heart good to see the two of you growing closer and closer together. God bless your family!

Here's my two cents...

I only read the first few post's so I hope I'm not repeating anything.

If you value your relationship with your father give him the chance to come clean on his own. Ask him to reaveal so that he may be forgiven... (not nessasarily just by your mom...) Point him in the right direction and hope for the best...

If you value your relationship with your mother give your father a chance to make amends by revealing the truth...If your father can't or wont tell the truth then at some point (you need to figure out where this point is...) you should just tell your mother.

If it's been a long time since their divorce it may not be as painful to her...

There's my two cents worth...

You might want to consider differences in AGE AND STAGE...

AT THIS POINT in MY LIFE, I'm much, much, much more focused on THE PRESENT and THE FUTURE and enjoying my life...

MY LIFE IS GETTING SHORTER and SHORTER...

Consider that your parents are in an entirely different PLACE in their lives...

THE PAST DOES NOT MATTER AS MUCH to me anymore...

My sons are always wanting to talk to me about THE PAST and wanting me to GET REAL about stuff in OUR PAST..YUCK...

They can afford that with that HUGE FUTURE AHEAD OF THEM..

I want to ENJOY all the years that I have left...

Plus, I got triangled/enmeshed in my parents JUNK throughout my WHOLE CHILDHOOD..as an adult, I'm FINALLY THROUGH with that "MUCK AND MIRE"..as Ark would say.. THANK GOD!!

With all due respect Mimi, isn't that because you've been able to process the TRUTH about your life? Whereas, TST's mother has not. She doesn't have the missing puzzle pieces to do that with.

What if TST's mother is friends with one of these ex OW? I hate it when people know stuff about my life that I don't.

REALLY, Mopey..at THIS POINT in my life, if there is something horrible that I do not know about MY PAST, I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW IT!

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH..ENOUGH IS ENOUGH...but that's because with my H's affair, piled on with the other crap, I don't think I could take it...REALLY..

At the MOST, I have only about 35 GOOD YEARS LEFT....

I WANT TO DIE HAPPY!!


I DO want to KNOW stuff that matters in my PRESENT and in my FUTURE..but MY PAST is OVER...and I can't do anything about it..knowing stuff from my past can only cause me HEARTACHE..remembering BAD STUFF that I KNOW about my past causes me enough heartache...NO THANK YOU...


That's MY POINT OF VIEW..others may feel differently...

REALLY Mimi, I do too. But I wouldn't be happy if people were deceiving me because they thought I couldn't handle the truth. But that's just me.

But I understand your point too. They say ignorance is bliss. Not implying you're ignorant, but what they also say is what you don't know won't hurt you. Oh wait, my husband's affairs were hurting me, and I knew it, I just didn't know it was because he was having affairs.

Either way, I still think TST's mom should decide if she'd like to explore it more. It could be brought up in a subtle way I think.


Yeah, the truth of my past caused me heartache too but at least I got my sanity back. Or working on it.

*edit*

*edit*