Yes, it is a very common psychological response to being in a long term abusive relationship. I was thinking it was called the Stockholm Syndrome - not exactly, but it is similar.

From Wikipedia:
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"Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response sometimes seen in an abducted hostage, in which the hostage shows signs of loyalty to the hostage-taker, regardless of the danger (or at least risk) in which the hostage has been placed. Stockholm syndrome is also sometimes discussed in reference to other situations with similar tensions, such as battered person syndrome, rape cases, child abuse cases and bride kidnapping. The syndrome is named after the Norrmalmstorg robbery of Kreditbanken at Norrmalmstorg, Stockholm, Sweden, in which the bank robbers held bank employees hostage from August 23 to August 28 in 1973. In this case, the victims became emotionally attached to their victimizers, and even defended their captors after they were freed from their six-day ordeal. The term Stockholm Syndrome was coined by the criminologist and psychiatrist Nils Bejerot, who assisted the police during the robbery, and referred to the syndrome in a news broadcast.

Other uses
Loyalty to a more powerful abuser — in spite of the danger that this loyalty puts the victim in — is common among victims of domestic abuse, battered partners and child abuse (dependent children). In many instances the victims choose to remain loyal to their abuser, and choose not to leave him or her, even when they are offered a safe placement in foster homes or safe houses. This unhealthy type of mental phenomenon is also known as Trauma-Bonding or Bonding-to-the-Perpetrator. This syndrome was described by psychoanalysts of the object relations theory school (see Fairbairn) as the phenomenon of psychological identification with the more powerful abuser. A variant of Stockholm Syndrome includes cases of abusive parents and abusive siblings in which the victim, even after entering adulthood, still justifies the family abuse.

Psychoanalytic explanations
According to the psychoanalytic view of the syndrome, the tendency might well be the result of employing the strategy evolved by newborn babies to form an emotional attachment to the nearest powerful adult in order to maximize the probability that this adult will enable — at the very least — the survival of the child, if not also prove to be a good parental figure. This syndrome is considered a prime example for the defense mechanism of identification.[1]"
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My understanding is that it is a defense mechanism, to cope with a situation seemingly inescapable and beyond your control. Your survival depends on bonding with the person in power, even if they are abusive (especially if they are abusive!).

It is NOT the fault of the abused, and it is NOT a sign of weakness or lack of intelligence. (Not that anyone said it was!) It is a defense mechanism, a coping mechanism, and as such, it does serve a purpose when the situation is truly inescapable. Any of us might feel the same way under the right conditions.

Things like this are difficult to see in yourself. I wonder if I have a little bit of it - if maybe that's behind my earlier comment "I won't go that far" about just one hit. (FOO issues)

DTP: Please listen to your therapist. These feelings are a result of your situation. If you get out of the situation, it will be like taking blinders off - you'll look back and see things in a whole new light. But you have to get out from under his influence in order to see things clearly.

Please write down a list for us: A list of things he has done against you. And a list of things he done for you. Let us see them.

Have you ever read "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Bancroft? It may give you the information you're lacking to make a rational decision and to determine if you should feel guilty for being here. If you have to, keep the book at work while you're reading it.

PLEASE don't stop posting!

Also, see if your work allows you to make automatic deductions into a separate account, such as a savings account. Taxes increased this year, so you could get away with putting a little more into your personal account by saying you are getting paid less. But increase or start the amount that automatically goes into your personal account.

The Bancroft book is the best book on abuse I have read, and it contains excellent suggestions for the abused woman. He wrote the book for the abused woman. I also have had the twin problems of a husband being both unfaithful and abusive. Consider writing down the exact words he says to you. That helped me to realize that no one, including me, deserved the treatment I was getting.
Cherishing

*bump*

Hi,


Here is what he does FOR me: still hugs me, helps me in the house,we go on trips, takes care of me when i'm sick
(and most important: does not beat me up as often as other women are hit).

Here's what he continues to do against me: affairs (and the behaviors connected with them, like hiding monies, not coming home, secret communications). He also does not like me talking to him about what i really think and feel about our M, his As, our monies, our future. (So i don't). Plus, he shows he is bored when we are together.

I have read so many books, including Dr. Laura's "the care and feeding of husbands." So, part of me stubbornly insists I could control his behaviors. What a mistake!

I haven't read Bancroft's book yet. I will do this and hope it adds to my strength to make that step to leave.

Thanks again for all your replies and support.

DTP,

You said, "He shows he is bored with me whenever we are together."

My husband once said to me, "I just tune out your chirping."

It took a long time, but I stopped chirping. You can leave emotionally even as you prepare to leave physically. Make yourself unavailable.

The Bancroft book does a good job of laying out the entire abuse pattern of behavior. Men are abusive because they get what they want. In your case, he wants to have affairs without having you pester him about it. There is no consideration for your feelings.

By the way, I don't know if you missed it but Dr. Laura blamed Elliott Spitzer's wife for his decision to hire prostitutes. That plays right into the hand of an abusive man. He blames his wife for his abuse. Many of these men also have affairs. They feel entitled to do whatever is pleasurable for them no matter how much pain they bring on others.

Bancroft said that these men only wake up if their wife leaves them. By then, it is often too late because the wife is gone for good. Your only chance with your husband, according to Bancroft, is for you to be willing to leave him.

Cherishing

"and most important: does not beat me up as often as other women are hit)."

Wow, that one stabbed me in the heart. You are listing the above as one of his most important good points????????????

Prayers to you from California.

So basically, he doesn't show you the respect you deserve as his wife and he abuses you physically and emotionally...you are being brave by posting your story here candidly.

Your H does beat you, and that is physical abuse..regardless of how many times in comparison to other women, you don't deserve this type of treatment.

I have a few questions for you...If you don't mind, ..If you could envision a good life for yourself, can you describe what that would be like for you? what would it look like? how would your husband treat you?

Hon, my jaw dropped when I read that you were congratulating him for not hitting you as much as other women get hit! If you read more about abuse, you'll see that your perception gets skewed. That means that what a regular, non-abused person sees is right and wrong, the victim can no longer recognize.

Consider this: Physical abuse always starts with mental abuse. No one would allow their boyfriend to just come up and wallop them on their first date! What abusers do is push your boundaries and find out which ones you will not budge on; he ignores them (so you don't feel you have to stand up to him). He DOES push those boundaries that are already weak.

For instance, if he senses that you're self-conscious about your looks, he will start in with comments about your looks, like 'are you going to wear THAT?' or 'I hope you don't think they did a good job on that haircut.' You already don't think you're pretty, so you don't disagree; he sees that; next time, he may say 'you know, you're lucky I'm not picky, cos nobody else would want to go out with you, with your looks.' By the time it's in full swing, he'll be saying 'you ugly whore, who do you think you are? You're lucky I let you stay here, cos I can't stand looking at you, you're so ugly.'

Along the way, you secretly agree with him, but hearing it over and over just reinforces that you're unloveable and if you don't stay with him you'll be alone for the rest of your life.

So, along with the physical abuse, you've been getting his emotional put-downs and controls all along, even longer. So you no longer have a healthy self-worth, which makes it harder to think you have the right to leave.

So please try to get a handle on the more subtle things he does to put you down. You may not be ready to fight back against the pysical abuse, but you can certainly start making changes on the rest. We can help.

Yes, me too. There were a lot of things I almost wrote, but I'm not sure I can add to anything that's already been said, other than to add my voice. This demonstrates that your thinking is affected by the abuse!

Rather than saying he hits you less than SOME other women get hit, ask yourself this: does he hit you MORE than some other women get hit? I bet a LOT of other women would chime in saying they don't get hit. I bet a LOT of men could chime in saying they never hit their wives. Most women don't get hit. Being physically assaulted should not be within your acceptable boundaries. Laying hands on another human being in physical violence is a sign of loss of control, and is illegal in the U.S. unless I'm mistaken.

Oh yes, I wanted to comment on this too. I know some people adore Dr. Laura (who isn't a real doctor IIRC) but she's too strident for my tastes, and too rigid. Her statements about how worthless women are who don't care for their kids full time all by themselves were painful for me as I lay in bed with tubes coming out of my body, relying on others to take care of my kids.

I can imagine her statements about "the care and feeding" of husbands are much too rigid to apply to cases of abuse. I would think any such statements would be feeding into your tendency to blame yourself and excuse your H's abusive behavior.

Can you see how I could not be expected to be the primary caregiver to my kids, when I couldn't physically stand up? In the same way, you shouldn't be expected to accept the responsibility for "making" your husband not abuse you!

He is NOT abusive because you aren't a "good enough" wife. You following Dr. Laura's suggestions to be a "better wife" will not make him stop abusing you. It will just feed into his sense of entitlement - obviously he has the right to be abusive, because it produces the results he wants, and you aren't disagreeing.

He is not abusive BECAUSE you aren't a good enough wife. He just IS ABUSIVE.

Get out.

Thank you again for all your support and prayers.

I was crying as I read that most women would say they are not beaten by their husbands and most men would say they never hit their wives. Its hard for me to visualize this kind of life as a possibility--i would like that peace.

Then move out and take it. Today. Make plans today.

Yes.

Are you working on a plan?

If there's a chance he'll find out about your plans, PLEASE let other people know. Contact a women's shelter.

It sounds like this could be a very dangerous time for you. PLEASE do what the experts advise.

DTP, I'm curious. Have you ever searched the web for info on battered women? If you did, you would find out how widespread the problem is. BUT you would also see thousands and thousands of options offered on how to get OUT of such a relationship. You can read online about the plan you need to set up to leave him.

Now, I know, you're going to have doubts about leaving. That is what battered women go through, because by the time they're being beaten, the abuser has already defeated your self-esteem, and you question everything you do. You also likely have a fixation on your H - you see him as something more powerful and...right than you. That's just the abuse talking. If he is hitting you or even just verbally abusing you, he is NOT better than you and does NOT deserve your continued support. He gave that up the minute he first touched you. It's just taking you a while to realize that.

Write out your plan here, and we can help you with it.

If you start wavering, ask yourself if you saw your daughter going through this, what would you tell her? And then act on that advice!

I just want to reassure everyone that the present time is not a dangerous time for me. I have perfected the act of not making waves, so I don't talk to him about issues that will make him angry. I give him my check. I also let him do whatever he wants to do with OWs. I am walking on eggshells, but at least it is quiet. So, I now have the time to come up with a concrete plan. And, in the meantime, most important, to work up the courage to actually leave!

I have checked out some sites on abused women. Am getting my ID papers together. I have a journal. Have some money.

DTP,

Please be careful. And please read the Bancroft book that catperson recommended.

Two injuries and seven surgeries later, I am older and wiser. Like you now, I once thought that I could guarantee my own safety if I just didn't trigger him. That thinking plays right into the whole world of abuse. Your husband wants you to think that you are responsible for his behavior because he wouldn't abuse you if you don't act in certain ways. Why are you walking on eggshells? Because there are lulls between times when he increases what sets him off. It's a terrible way to live.

Cherishing

That's great!

The journal idea is great too. For your own mental health, but it may also come in handy to prove abuse.

A Christian woman author I admire much more than Dr. Laura, is Joyce Meyer. NewBeginningsII and I are discussing her book on the Bible Study forum. (I need to go there to update. You're welcome to join us, too.) Anyway, one thing Joyce Meyer says is, "Do it afraid."

A lot of folks in the Bible were afraid: off the top of my head, so I may be wrong on some of these: Joseph; Moses; Joshua; Esther; Daniel, and Meshach, Shadrack and Abednego (sp?); Mary (explain *that* to your fiance!); Peter, when he went to meet Saul/Paul. In a sense, Jesus when He prayed "Father let this cup pass before me."

God didn't necessarily take away their fear, but He was with them while they "did it anyway". Courage isn't the lack of fear. The lack of fear is just stupid, in a dangerous situation. Courage is doing what needs to be done even though you are afraid.

DTP, do you have any friends? Family nearby? You need to get some. It is my experience that women rarely leave unless they have people in their lives who give them the push they need and make them feel safe enough to do it. If you don't have any friends, please look around your workplace, your neighborhood, wherever you can, and just start out by saying hi to people. Then keep saying hi to them; eventually you can bring up small talk and become friends. Please start this tomorrow! Pick one person tomorrow and say hi.

*bump*

Just thinking of you, and hoping you are ok.