My story is a true one. And I never thought in a million years that anything that I said here would "stir up trouble". I honestly looked at my situation and said "we are on this road right now, and this is really hard". So I reached out to some people that I thought could help me. And I'm not inflated at all.
I haven't put any religions down, I'm trying to raise it up to the standard that we all know it is. To help, not to hate. That is all.
What happened between him and his ex was his business. All I know about is the neglect abuse. And how both of us encouraged each other to go to MC with a pastor. Which we did. In both our marriages. And through that decided that divorce was what was needed. He was in a completely different state the entire time. I didn't even see him
His first, she moved in with a friend of his, they have been married now for 15 yrs or so I believe. No infidelity on his part. And he forgave her right away. She couldn't be alone and he was in a very long training for his job.
Number two was a mistake from the beginning, and I don't know or ask about the details. No infidelity. Violence on her part I believe. I don't ask much.
I know how mine ended, and its none of his business either. I doubt he even knows.
I just joined, never have been on this site before, so no, I'm not posting under a different name. Perhaps that was someone in need of help that was thrown under the train.
I don't know what a Troll is. But if it makes you feel better to hurt my feelings, please carry on. Perhaps there is a part of me that wants to be yelled at. Thing is that I just cant get any lower. This was one of my last attempts at survival.
I go by the lake everyday, watch the sunset, and pray that God can help me. But maybe I'll just bring a hose with me next time.
I just can't believe that if we are both here and making a new home and looking forward to parenthood for the first time, that we should just create another fatherless child.
I'm trying to mend these things between "BOB" and me. I wanted some help. Now I'm defending myself and getting no help. I would help you with your issues if you would tell me.... I really would.

Actually, I don't see how you are surprised. The question is, why did you not build a marriage to last a lifetime with the husband prior to this man?

Actually, the advice you are getting is reasonably consistent with the goals of this site and Dr Harley's observations.

Just because you and your husband believed and acted as if you were no longer married to your spouses, how did each of your respective spouses feel about the matter?

It's not just your perspectives that matter in such a situation, but also the perspectives of your spouses. Given the reaction described by your husbands previous wife, it appears she was not OK with what was going on.

So tell me, if you were her, and someone was sleeping with your husband, would you feel the same way as you've described how you feel now?

Did you talk to her, and confirm the marriage was really dead, or did you only take HIS word for it?

Given that he is still talking to her, I'm thinking there is some sort of spark still there.

So you can keep justifying, or you can step back and understand that there is another perspective to what you and your husband have done. How you ended up married, regardless of how OK you feel about it, DOES give a reasonably reliable means of predicting marriage success.

There is a reason why 5% or fewer of marriages that begin as affairs are successful lifetime marriages.
True, but at least two marriages were ended by the actions of you and your husband. So there are great odds that one or both of you will act the same way in your current marriage.
There are a lot of divorced folks who say that. Only 1/2 of the folks divorced chose divorce. After all, you may have said the same thing about your last marriage. Even if you didn't did either of the spouses you and your husband divorced say the same thing.

It only takes one to divorce.
I believe you don't intend for your child to suffer. However given the history presented, odds are pretty good that your child will suffer in some way. If nothing more than having fewer assets because of the previous divorces.
The Christian thing to do is to point out the sin. Not that any of us are superior, as we are all sinners. It's not a loving thing to ignore the sin, and let one continue to believe that what they did was not wrong or hurtful.
I don't believe anyone has said they are superior. It appears to me that folks simply are telling you that how you got to where you are was by a hurtful, sinful path. No claims of moral superiority, as far as I can tell.
OK, you are getting help. The first step is to recognize what you have done and how it has impacted the lives of those around you.

If you want help, especially free help, you don't get to set the terms. You don't have to accept the help, but you are really in no position to negotiate terms right now.

No argument there. The other side is that one has to speak out against the sin. Too many times, folks believe it's them that is not being accepted, when they are accepted with open arms. However, their sin is NOT welcome. Too many wrongly believe that the rejection of their sin means they were rejected. This is NOT the case. You have not been rejected. However, you will find few here who will accept that what you have done is OK.

Please understand that important distinction.
I don't think you fix sin with another sin, and to divorce him is just another sin.

Forgiveness is not something that is cheap. Even God only forgives those who CONFESS and REPENT. I believe you've done the first. It remains to see if you are willing to repent. It appears you are still justifying your sin, rather than saying it was wrong and making a plan so you do not make the same mistakes again.

God has judgment for those who do not turn from their sinful ways. God can forgive all, but God only forgives those who seek that forgiveness.

I'm sorry you feel beaten up. I think all folks have done is to point out how hurtful your actions were. Perhaps it's your own guilt beating you up.

You have not been condemned, but your actions have been.


Only you can decide what you will do.

You can own the sin, the pain and the hurt, and walk to safety, or you can live in denial, and walk off the edge of the cliff.

It's totally up to you.

There are reasons to believe differently regarding how inflated you are.

There are folks who can help you. However, if you don't appear open to help, if you are combative, those folks will spend their energies otherwise.

You appear combative. You may not think you are, but does it really matter what you think when you are trying to get some free advice? No, what matters is what the folks you are asking think, because that will drive their willingness to help.
So let's raise it up. But not just the warm fuzzy parts. If you want to raise up religion, see the story of the woman at the well. She was told to go and sin no more. That means there was sin. Sin has to be confronted, exposed and repented of.
This is not a marriage building attitude. What happened before, understanding his contribution to the state of that marriage is key to not repeating those mistakes. So to say it's his business is not a good approach to building a good marriage.

So did all four spouses involved mutually and enthusiastically say that divorce was the answer. After all the Policy of Joint Agreement is how major decisions in a marriage are decided.

Divorce is typically a unilateral decision. Those who make unilateral decisions don't usually make good spouses.
You should ask. You should ask him what he did wrong, what he did to make sure he doesn't make those mistakes again. If he shifts the blame to his wife, or that he choose poorly, that's not a good sign.

If he is not specific about his mistakes, that's not a good sign either. It means not much growth has occurred.

Actually, it is his business if you want to build a lifetime marriage. The same questions above apply to you. What was your contribution to your failed marriage. What have you done to ensure you don't make the same mistakes.

This IS his business.

He is sending all sorts of help, but it appears you are rejecting it.


So stop defending your choices. They don't have to define who you are in the future. However, to ignore how hurtful and sinful they are will ultimately lead you to make the same mistakes again.

No one is rejecting you. However, I know I reject many of your arguments defending how you got to where you are today.

If you are able to separate that, then I believe you will see the help is already here, and you will stop rejecting that help.

Enlightened_Ex, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm reading your posts over again. Tough love. I understand that. Finally a logical reply. One that I can work with.
We both really believed that our marriage was an attempt at redemption. "Look Lord, we began wrong, let us try to make this right".
I'm with you about feeling bad about the things we have committed. My husband has mentioned the guilt of hurting so many a lot of times. I'm sure she was hurt by the divorce. And I'm pretty sure my ex was too, at least at first. He just shrugged his shoulders and said "ok, if that's what you want". But I'm sure he felt bad. At least in some way.
His ex does not respond when he writes. She only writes him when she wants money. 1000 I have already paid to her personally when he was finding himself short.
I did talk to her when I broke up with him briefly after the had gone up there. She told me quite a bit.
I just want the love back. Or not to love him as much anymore. Its a hard thing when I love him.

OK. Pain and hurt and guilt I have in abundance. One of the reasons I came here. NOW WHAT?
Is loving him a bad thing?
Is trying to make this marriage work a bad thing?
Should I send her gifts?
I don't know what to do NOW.
I'm agreeing with you completely.
NOW I'm hurting and feel terrible for everything I've done. NOW WHAT? Perpetual sorrow? Hopelessness?
I felt this way before.

I'd just go with the second sentence. You don't achieve redemption by choosing sin, so while you may have believed that at the time, the truth is otherwise. Redemption is not attained in sin.

Personally, I think the guilt has to be dealt with first. It appears that your husband carries around a great load of guilt. You do to, however, it doesn't appear you carry as much as he does.

Ultimately, I think both you need to put into place protections for the current marriage and follow the program of Marriage Building if you want a lifetime marriage.

However, the guilty he carries may lead him to not want to cut those ties to his former wife. He may want to make up for the hurt he's caused, he may want her indication of forgiveness.

He may or may not ever get this. He cannot live his life by being defined by others. He cannot change the past. Neither can you.

I would encourage both of you to see your pastor about getting a Godly mentor. A woman for you and a man for him. Someone who will be there for each of you. Someone you can trust, but who has navigated life successfully. Not perfection, but overcoming sin.

So getting over the guilt, as well as engaging in personal growth to find out why those sins were committed to recognize if you are on the same path, and make plans in advance for how you will flee that temptation, rather than repeat the same mistakes.

This is why talking about the past IS CRITICAL, because you have to examine your mistakes, and where you could have chosen to act differently, and how to make a better choice when faced with the similar circumstances.

There is a difference between rejecting the sins of your past and being in the bondage of guilt over those sins. One cannot do either and grow in a healthy fashion.

There must be acceptance and acknowledgment of the sin, and acceptance that one cannot change the past. The only think one can do is to ask for forgiveness, which may or may not be given, and then live so you don't make the same mistakes again.

I really believe the guilt issue, for each of you, needs resolution before you can begin marriage building.

As an aside, this is one of the reasons affair marriages fail, the couple rejects the notion that they each have to process, in a healthy fashion, their marriage and what they did. Too many put the blame on their spouse. They end up married, and then the guilt comes crashing in.

It gets worse if they try to shift the blame, and blame their new spouse for joining them in the affair. It's likely given the couple already has a track record of putting the blame on the other person. So what happens when the current marriage suffers, well they return to what worked for them before, put the blame on the new spouse. Maybe start cheating on them.

Given the history you've described, you have reason to mis-trust your husband. After all, if he cheated to be with you, he's capable of cheating to be with his ex-wife or any other women.

So each of you have to deal with your guilty in a healthy fashion, and then commit to a plan of protection for your marriage and one another.

Fantastic.
This has been so very helpful. You are right. The guilt is being processed.
Should I ask him on how its going?
Should I share my own experience and growth with him?
He just wants to act happy and not talk about anything. I've articulated exactly what my needs are and have asked him countless times what his are. His responses are one of three things:
1. I'm just tired.
2. I'm relaxing, why can't you just be happy?
3. I wish you would stop bringing this stuff up, its getting old.

I don't know how to talk to him. I don't even know how to act. Should I ignore him for a while? How do I do my job and put together my house with these heavy wieghts on me? How do I get out of bed? How do I enjoy anything? I'm having a hard time being excited over my own child, and I've always always always wanted children.

We are seeking help from a pastor, as we did in our old place (we recently moved across country for my work). The old pastor helped a bit. He actually married us.

We don't talk about our past much at all. I don't know how to properly ask him. Sometimes, if I get frustrated enough it comes out more like: "Have you always been a cold hearted jerk?" and I know that is not the way to begin a conversation.

In my mind, my divorce went quick. My ex did not ask for anything, and encouraged us to remain friends or friendly until it was inappropriate. That is what MC ended up doing for us. He had a terrible pain killer addiction that he could not stop and refused to work. I'm not angry with him over it at all. I tried everything to get him to move, to inspire, to reward, to love. In the end the love just ran out. He was like that friend that just won't stop using. And he knew it too. He told me that he had given up a long time ago, and that it was either live with him with the addiction or don't live with him at all. That was at one of our last MC sessions. I think deep down in his heart he wanted to go back to his home town, be closer to his parents. He had never left, you see.
Thing is, none of this is blame... BELIEVE ME. I was heading down that same street for a little bit. We got along superbly, PERFECTLY when we were drinking or when he was using. Perfectly. He was a FABULOUS friend, very patient, VERY kind, wanted to go into the paramedic field for a while. They wouldn't take him. Thing was that he was chronically ill, so they kept prescribing him medication for pain.
I bare him no ill will. And he knows that and has forgiven me time and time again. Says he understands perfectly.
But the last time I talked to him was 7 or 8 months ago. To me, I wanted to put my focus into this. One ship sank and I now have another. I'm learning how to sail.
For him. Well, I know about the living arangements from him, his mother, his friend, and even her. DID NOT ASK ANY OF THEM! They just told me. They lived as roommates. And she barely lived there at all. She didn't work, which was hard for them, and lived with her parents most of the time.
Thats all I know.
Our old pastor gave a suggestion to him: "Abuse can be in the form of neglect too."
Now, they went to MC and instead of creating a positive growing environment, everything was his fault. He told me this because I was encouraging me and him to go into therapy and he said no. Than told me why. That pastor said that he should be able to live in that sort of manner with her and be perfectly happy. Perhaps he could. The only issue was that he was done. It was to be a life of solitude.

Now he is a million miles away from me most of the time. We barely talk. I've humbled myself, I've asked, I've explained, I've withdrawn, I've offered support, I've acted happy, I've beaten myself up, I've felt horrible, I've attempted to distract, I've attempted to talk.
Its not working.

OK. Repent.
Do I not sleep with him for a while?
Do I not talk to him for a while?
I've already asked forgiveness from everyone that I can think of, even him...
What does this entail.
I want to be doing the right thing.
I've always been a good person, a faithful Christian. I was raised better than this. It is a really strange position for me to be in. Might be one reason why I've been so defensive.
Bottom line is I was wrong. Now what do I do. What do I repent. My love?
Do I just be happy for the way things are going? Wait it out?
I'm never going to do this again. I will never give up with this man.
As far as him, well, he can say a lot of things. I only believe half of them.
He believes me 100%. My actions have been directly inline with my talk.

I don't know if you would get a useful answer at this point, given what you've written.
If he is interested. He may not be, and trying to educate him, if he doesn't want to be educated is an LB.
Not a surprise.
Did he really meet your needs before you married, or were you just in lust? Seriously.

There are a couple of likely scenarios. One being he didn't really meet your needs, or only met a few and now you realize you have more needs that are not being met. The other is that he wowed you initially, but now that there is no chase, he's coasting, not working very hard. There are others, but those are the two most likely.
I'm not sure I can answer these for you. Marriage is not meant to complete us, so we have to be able to do these things even if we are not married. So how we talk, how we act, self-motivation for work, making a home, all do not depend upon our relationship with our spouse.

As you are learning, raising a child is a lot of hard work. There isn't much tangible evidence you are doing a good job at this point. It will take years to see evidence of doing a good job at being a mother.

How much of a help is a man who would marry folks who dated while still married to others. Personally, your old pastor doesn't sound like much of a help. But that is just my personal opinion. If he wanted to help, he would have encouraged you two to wait a year or so before getting married.

It seems to me, the best help would have been to encourage you and your husband to slow WAAAY down.

You are right. Maybe you make it into something of a game. What from your past would you call your biggest mistake and how would you do things differently today, knowing what you know now?

And your new marriage too. Regardless of the issues with your ex, and he had his issues, you didn't need to get married so soon, child or no child on the way.

Frankly, this makes your husband seem more like a lifeboat, to rescue you, than it does you and your husband are partners. This is no way to run a marriage, and I predict that if you continue with this mindset, months or years from now you'll be saying that you cannot be yourself when your husband is around, he's controlling or whatever. Maybe you'll have an affair, or maybe you'll just leave.

Why? Because this is an unhealthy and unrealistic view of your husband. Your husband is not a ship, designed to carry you, to bring you things, to be steered, etc. Your husband is a fellow passenger on the voyage.

Each of you sank or abandoned ship before. So now you are building a new ship to sail life's adventures.

So was there any evidence that he was a good shipbuilder?
Sure, but who neglected who? Look at his responses you cite.

Is he willing to build a marriage with you, or does he just want his space and to be left alone?

Did he tell you this, or did his MC tell you this? He may have perceived that he was being told this. If he was having affairs on his previous wife, it's likely that was a major issue. If so, then perhaps he was the major issue.

Look at what you say he's saying, only a month after marriage, "Why can't you just be happy?" These are not the words of someone who is working for a better marriage.

You are just now beginning to want to do the work. Yet I still perceive an undercurrent of justification in what you write. Your ex husband did..., his ex-wife and MC blamed him...

These are not statements about what each of you did wrong, but are still justification, or at least come across as justification for what happened.

Just because you former pastor married you doesn't mean he was doing you any favors or offering any sort of church blessing on what you did.

I don't believe he did you any favor at all. He let you have what you wanted, something you probably should have waited at least a year before going after. But you are now married to this man and have a child with him.
I'm sure you believe this pastor meant well, but he sounds naive to be polite.
Yes, but who wanted the solitude?
Maybe the solitude was not her doing, but his, or maybe the two of them together created separate lives.

Regardless, given the behavior you've described, one can make a strong case for arguing that he is avoiding a closer relationship.


Because it's not all you.

It's not all him either, but it's not all you.

I think you have an unrealistic expectation of what your husband can and will do.

He likely realizes that he doesn't meet that expectation. He too likely has an unrealistic expectation. After all, it appears he simply expects you to be happy, just because he married you. While that's speculation, it's probably not far off given what you've said about his responses.

I really don't know what to tell you to do next. You both have to process your guilt and at some point, you both have to have a plan to have a successful marriage.

Good marriages don't just happen. You have to work at them. This means you have to have a plan. It works best if you guys have the same plan.

You are not his ship, he is not yours. You are both in the same ship.

This website offers up a framework that you and your husband can use to make a plan for how you will do your marriage.

But each of you has to address the guilt. You can't make him do it, you can't steer him in that direction, nor can you do the work for him.

I really think this is the stumbling block currently. His answers appear defensive. So there may be something in your approach, it may also be a product of where he is emotionally, the guilt and shame he carries, as well as wondering if he is really up to having a good marriage.

Not to mention his life (as well as yours) has been turned upside down in the past year or so. There have been a lot of changes. Divorce, marriage, a new child, a move for at least one of you, if not both, etc.

It might be easier to ask what has NOT changed in either of your lives. That might be the shorter list.

I read your story.

I'm going to be upfront about my 2cents...

you two were messing around together even before he totally got out of the marriage. Of course something bad was going to happen, your union was not honored by God to begin with.

And as far as him still talking to his ex-wife...I believe it's b/c he knows he is wrong, there still is a bond there.

And about your being another wife in a line of ex-wives, this man comes off as thinking only of himself. Believe me, I know. It took me long to reaize it, but I am also a fourth wife and all I can say is I wish I knew the things I know now...could've saved me a lot of heartache.

And you divorced your ex-husband b/c of another man...that did not please God.

About your child suffering...I believe it's regarding this curse, this generational type of sin. You know our children can suffer for the sins we make.

Have you ever read about the law of sowing and reaping? If ot, I urge you to.

I think what you are seeing of your husband is probably who he really is.

my exbf, when we were first dating, all I heard was how awful his ex was, she was this and that and she did this and that. I won't go into details.

Bottom line is, after dating for about a year (and had it not been ldr I would have probably noticed sooner), his actions with me were the same ones he had in his marriage. And quite honestly, I can see why she became such a b*tch to deal with! His thought patterns, his way of doing things, what he thought was ok in a relationship is in no way ok. I started building up resentments in less than a year. I can only imagine what 7 or 8 years with him must have been like.

Do you see what I am saying?

mlhb

I think I do see exactly what you are saying. Thank you.

What do I do now?

How can I facilitate a happy marriage?

you can't by yourself. he has to want to do it too. the only thing YOU can do is make positive changes for yourself. become the woman you want to be. you feel awful for what you have done you say. well, become a better person because of it.

concentrate on your child. be a good mother despite the decisions you have made. go to church. find a woman's bible study. get involved. volunteer. go to counseling individually to find out why you would have chosen such a destructive path as to not only choose to have an affair but to be with a man who has been married 3 times previously!

i agree with enlightened. you NEED to know the things he did in his marriage, the patterns that NEED to change. if he is not willing to change than he is always going to have the same outcomes in his marriages. if he only sees himself as a victim and not a participant in the demises of his marriages than there is a problem. and you need to know the things you have done wrong and what you need to change. i think you do see some of those things now.

before we marry someone, especially if they were married before, we REALLY need to know what went on in those marriages. when i started seeing the same patterns in my relationship with exbf that he described happening in his marriage, that was a red flag. and when he didn't think those patterns needed to change, that was a bigger red flag.

i also agree with enlightened about the pastor who married you. you two need some GOOD christian counseling. find a good strong church and a good strong pastor.

but again, you can't make a marriage work alone. and if he doesn't want to work at it...
this is either who he is or who he has become because of the affair and ending it with wife number 3 who did not take it so well, or a combination of the 2. you can't control him or make him do anything. you can only change you and learn from the choices you have made and become a better person because of them. maybe some time down the line someone may be able to learn from the painful mistakes you have made. God can work in any one who is willing to let him do it.

mlhb

Alright. Now we are getting to where I am right now. This is good. I'm having a lot of problems with concentrating on me. Its REALLY hard.
I need help with that. I just cant concentrate at all. My mind is totally on him almost all the time. What he wants for dinner, when he will kiss me, will we be intimate that night, what he would like to do with me. Its ridiculous.
I used to be so busy with work and such. I'm a professional musician and I always had lots to do. I can dive into work again. That made me a good person. Helped a lot of people. We all work as a team, you see. Got more chances to be a leader at work. Thats good too. I feel most comfortable giving. Probably why I felt drawn in when H was kicked out of his home and found himself homeless.
Any help with this?

when i married my stbxw, that was my thinking too... that i was helping her because she was in a bad situation at the time we got serious

it took me years to learn why that is not a reason to marry somebody. she didn't want tbe helped

so if you are wondering on where to start, i'd suggest finding a good counselor and figuring out why you tend to feel drawn to people who need help (somebody kicked out of his home and therefore homeless)

in my case it had alot to do with how i was raised

it also appears like you got married too fast and there have been many, many changes in your lives since the marriage. many people, myself included, don't adjust to change well.

so in addition to individual counseling to figure out why you married him, marriage counseling to figure out why he made his decisions is very important too

you have alot of work to do to build a healthy relationship from one with such a rocky start. and if you try to do it alone, like i did, this marriage may fall apart just like mine did

a positive thing is at least you recognize something must be done otherwise you wouldn't be here

I have lived with change my entire life. He has had very very little. I've moved everywhere. Had to live with people coming into your life, and than people going out.
I think both of us like the challenge. That is so stupid isnt it? I know that he works really hard, especially when someone says he cant do it. Perhaps if love is already readily available he doesn't care...
Maybe I'm too used to change. Maybe this is why I don't feel much about this switch of affection. Man, thats awful isn't it? Well I know that I can change that. I just need to keep in contact with those that I love. Keep thinking of others feelings instead of my own moods.
Thats really hard to do right now, especially because I'm preggy, but I can give it a shot. If I can do it feeling like this, I can do it anytime.
I just felt like helping him was the right thing to do. I don't love him out of pity. Quite the contrary. I find myself looking up to him. His work ethic, his teaching ability, his beautiful face. I just think that I need some of that reciprocated.
I CAN"T MAKE HIM DO ANYTHING. That has become a type of mantra. I have to really believe that. That totally sucks. I don't want to make him be affectionate. I want him to want me.
Should I withdraw? Give him a ton of space? Do you think he will ever come around and seek me out again? Perhaps if I become a challenge.
I just have been giving him all the answers. Very nicely saying "I really need some affection right now, I'm having a bad day" I'm usually met with one of two things:
1 a BIG sigh.
2 "I AM being affectionate!!!" "I'm relaxing" "I'm talking to you"
Maybe you guys are right.

Exactly. I wish I had known that. I was also hearing stories about how his ex-wives did him wrong, etc. But now I see that he also had a part in his divorces...one x changed their son's last name! So it must've been really bad...

BTW, I wasn't in an affair with him when we met. I was 22, out of college, single, and a virgin. And I was in line to be his fourth wife!!! And all the red flags were there, but I was TOO dumb and blind to see them.

Well, the past is the past and all is said and done. Forgive him and yourself...God forgives you. Don't let this eat you up.

I have know idea how this will all play out for you, only God knows.

The best advice I can give to you now that all is said and done and that you have a child, is to work on yourself to become a better person IN Christ. PUT GOD FIRST. He is your first priority. Put Him first and everything else will work out. Secondly, take great care of your child. He/she needs you to be strong for him/her. Love your child everyday like it was your last day on Earth.

I agree with the counseling. I had some counseling before I left, and there were things I did not want to hear, but it needed to be said. And now I see...God gives us signs everyday about what we should do in a certain situation. We just have to be willing to receive it.

But remember, God runs it all. It's all about Him. Ask God what He wants you to do. It may be something you don't like...but believe it will work out for the good...

This is a personal issue, so you'll have to find a way to concentrate.
So focus internally. You can't control him, so concentrating on him is a fruitless exercise.
Ask him, or ask if he would like to suggest or if he wants you to pick.
Just kiss him, don't spend all that fruitless energy expecting him to do something. If you want to kiss, just kiss.
Just do it, don't spend all that fruitless energy expecting him to do something. If you want to do it, just do it.

Yeah, because it's fruitless to wonder. Ask him or suggest what you would like. Thinking about it without asking or acting is ridiculous.
But does it make you a good mother and wife?

It's about balance. It's about setting PERSONAL goals you can attain regardless how your husband responds. MB is about YOUR actions, not his responses.

Right now, it appears you are looking for specific responses.

I found what mlhb said interesting. That you need to know about him, that he needs to tell you. Interesting that unless I missed it, there was no similar requirement for you to inform him.

That's probably even MORE important, because it's something you can do. It would involve looking deep into yourself, owning where you went wrong and owning the correction of those bad personal behaviors.

Do I think he should do that too! Yes. But he's not here, you are, so it starts with you.

Enlightened,
I thought I did mention that she needed to tell him as well but I might have forgotten to. I was thinking it! I agree, both partiers need to know about each other and acknowledge what they did wrong and that that needs to change and how it has been changed.

mlhb

sydneyanne



There is no defense, none..and that is okay, Christ doesn't accept our excuses anyway...so do not get discouraged..God really can forgive ALL SINS, including adultery; if He can't, what kind of God is He??

It is not us you need to confess to, first seek God's forgiveness, then apologize and ask your husband, his ex-wife and your ex-husbands forgiveness, the latter probably will not give it, but that is not the point, the point is that you sought it. (if you really are feeling convicted of how this marriage started, then that is the Godly thing to do.)

Yes, your husband may miss his former marriage, and he may even feel guilty for leaving..but HE made the choice to leave and remarry, just as he did his first two marriages.

Contrary to what some believe, you don't need to leave your current marriage and go back to your former spouses, if we take it to that extent, it is not his last wife he would return to--it would be his very first wife (unless she's dead); is he ready to go back that far? Or can the two of you accept that God can forgive you right where you are and know that you will not cheat on each other in this marriage?

What's going to happen if he decides to divorce you and go back to his last marriage when the two of you now have a child together? Is she going to trust him not to cheat on her again when he will be in contact with you concerning your child? and seeing your child? would he be able to co-parent effectively with you?