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Ani, my husband came back after leaving a second time and we are now recovered. But the fact remains, you need to start working on making YOUR life the best it can be, whether he returns or not. Listen to these other posters. They are giving you GREAT advice.
The alternative is to keep struggling EVERY DAY, obsessing EVERY DAY, and worrying EVERY DAY about things and people over which you have no control.
I didn't follow MB because I didn't know about it but I do know one thing for sure... it wasn't until I "let go" (i.e. quit doing my EVERY DAY routine) and turned it over to God that my life turned around. My husband eventually came back but I was determined to go on and just trust that God would take care of me.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I feel like he's out there testing the waters, enjoying himself...while he expects me to remain faithful (yes, he said it would bother him if I dated..and he didn't think I was that kind if woman). There is a huge double standard. I think my husband could go on like this for a long time. No one is upsetting his apple cart. If I sit back and just let him have his cake and eat it too...why would he decide.. he has everything he wants. No consequences for this affair. At this point I don't care what the decision is anymore...I just want a decision. He knows I love him and want our marriage to work. But...he can't keep disrespecting me and our marriage. He now says..."we're seperated it's not an affair!!!!!" I added we're still married. ***********edit*************
Last edited by JustUss; 04/16/08 09:21 PM. Reason: BA
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Many people in here might disagree with me, but here is my advice:
Start dating then. Don't cross any line, but just go out have lunch or dinner with men and make sure your H know about it. Men like challenges and they value things that are hard to get instead of things that are handed to them. The OW was a challenge because if he doesn't date her, she might be taken by some other men. If you start to date, he will get scared to lose you forever and no man can stand picturing his wife having fun with someone else. If he gets mad, quote him by saying: ..."we're seperated it's not an affair!!!!!"
Just be careful though to make sure you don't step to his low level by crossing any major lines with your dates. Just go out there and have fun. Ani, ALL of this advice is BAD! Do not do this by any means. You are a married woman. MB nowhere mentions STOOPING to a WS's level. The best thing you can do for yourself is to work on you, without any outside interference from any other men. This is just terrible advice for someone who really needs to learn to be happy ALL ON HER OWN. Ani, you can affect the same CHALLENGE by cutting the supply of YOU OFF to your WH. It will give the same affect, ESPECIALLY if you are living right and looking good, looking happy. The more you learn to dig the self worth out and show it off, the more attractive you are to EVERYBODY.
Last edited by silentlucidity; 04/16/08 08:32 PM. Reason: I smell a rat!!!!
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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Many people in here might disagree with me, but here is my advice:
Start dating then. Don't cross any line, but just go out have lunch or dinner with men and make sure your H know about it. Men like challenges and they value things that are hard to get instead of things that are handed to them. The OW was a challenge because if he doesn't date her, she might be taken by some other men. If you start to date, he will get scared to lose you forever and no man can stand picturing his wife having fun with someone else. If he gets mad, quote him by saying: ..."we're seperated it's not an affair!!!!!"
Just be careful though to make sure you don't step to his low level by crossing any major lines with your dates. Just go out there and have fun. Ani, ALL of this advice is BAD! Do not do this by any means. You are a married woman. MB nowhere mentions STOOPING to a WS's level. The best thing you can do for yourself is to work on you, without any outside interference from any other men. This is just terrible advice for someone who really needs to learn to be happy ALL ON HER OWN. Ani, you can affect the same CHALLENGE by cutting the supply of YOU OFF to your WH. It will give the same affect, ESPECIALLY if you are living right and looking good, looking happy. The more you learn to dig the self worth out and show it off, the more attractive you are to EVERYBODY. Agreeing with SL. Do NOT get out and date around. That will only make you a cheater too. Please ignore advice from Loggedin21 who is out to cause trouble.
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*********************edit**************
Last edited by JustUss; 04/16/08 09:24 PM. Reason: BA
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I just think there is so much injustice at the current situation. But, it might be a bad idea to date around, but it won't be a bad idea to somehow make him jealous.
Once again, I stand by what I said about NOT crossing any major line. Go out there and have fun and make sure your WS knows about it. Once again, for your own good, ignore anything this sick and troubled individual has to say.
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You can stand wherever you want. Your advice is POOR for this situation, and all others on this site. This is a woman who is deeply enmeshed with her WH, to the point where she is not making decisions for herself in a positive way. Dating, at this point, would only serve to confuse this situation, and could be construed as ADULTERY. It's terrible advice. DUH!
THERE IS INJUSTICE IN ALL OF THESE SITUATIONS! Der dee der. Are you even old enough to be up past 9PM?
ANI, IMO, this person is a TOOL, and should be ignored.
Last edited by silentlucidity; 04/16/08 08:54 PM. Reason: To point out Logged is a tool!
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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***************edit**************
Last edited by JustUss; 04/16/08 09:19 PM. Reason: BA
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ok - THAT was a long day. Whew! Now that's over.
Ani - how's the list coming?
What has to be done first?
How do you break it down into doable tasks?
Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1 The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"? The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!" If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Hi all. Thanks for all your comments and help. Kayla- The first thing on my list was to cancel the appt with the atty. I did that. Second I set up a mediator my sister. Is there anyting else I'm missing? I worked out last night, read Your Best Life Now, and enjoyed my kids. Really thought about your comment about being controlling. I think I am a fixer. I feel like I have to fix our problems...not so much control them.
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Fixer - meet the queen of fixers! At least until I had a very blunt (bless her heart) therapist who asked me if I thought I was more powerful than God... to which I answered "of course not". She then said this: Then get the h*ll out of His way! He's reaching out to your husband and you keep getting in His way trying to fix it your way. He needs your husband to hit Bottom! So that your husband will recognize he NEEDS God and reaches out to Him. So Get out of God's way!! I had to pin that to the insides of my eyelids and start recognizing all my fixit behavior. Eventually, I started working on myself. I had a plan that once I reached a certain level of self-sufficiency, then I was free to leave. During that time, Kasey found a connection with God, and began working on himself. It works - letting God handle the details. So now that you have an intermediary, what's the first thing you're going to work on within yourself?
Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1 The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"? The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!" If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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I'm going to work on letting go. Everytime I feel the need to talk to WH about something I'm going to remember what your therapist said...fix it to MY eyelids. I'm going to do the best I can at my new job and enjoy life a little. Believe it or not I don't dwell that much on WH. I get triggered and when I do I usually post. I really am quite an upbeat person and have a GREAT support system. If it weren't for my friends I don't know how I would be doing today. I booked a flight and am going out of town for a week. A much needed break from everything. So.....day 1 here it goes!!!!!!!!!
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Have a safe trip!
It's Spring Break here, so we're helping son get caught up on homework today, then tomorrow it's Southeastern Utah for some windy red-rock hiking in Arches and Canyonlands National Parks!
Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1 The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"? The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!" If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Hi all. Hiking sounds like fun. Never been to Utah...maybe I should go. My getaway isn't for a while. Day 2 NC. Looking forward to the weekend. Not much to post. I did have a question for all the vets...I have always since day one thought my WH would return. I don't know why..just a gut feeling. I can't explain it..just a feeling. Have others felt the same way? Sometimes, I wonder if I'm just trying to make myself feel better..perhaps a coping mechanism..who knows. Just curious if others had that same feeling.
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so are you now doing a plan B? did you give him a letter outlining what needs to be done? I see you got your sister to be the middle man so to speak.
I am just trying to keep things straight here...
mlhb
God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.
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Been a while since I posted. Things have been going well. Found out WH took my child around OW. My child told me all about it. Gotta love kids. Anyway, asked what dad's friend looked like. "She's kinda ugly mom and not nice. "I didn't have fun with her". And "she looks funny". I love it. Obviously my WH is BLIND. Even his kid sees her for what she is.
A family member of mine asked another family member what she looked like. She responded she looks like a hard woman. Like those women that have been on drugs or jail and such. Said she looks about 50. I think she's in her early forties but not sure.
Meanwhile my friends coworker who's 27 said you're friend is hot, she replied she's 42 then he said then she's really hot if she's forty two. He said if I didn't have a girlfriend I'd ask her out in a minute. I was flattered of course but not interested.
Why on earth do these spouse "AFFAIR DOWN"!!!! Does he feel so bad about himself and so desperate for attention he's willing to get it from an ugly chick? (ugly inside and out) Doesn't he know that his male friends will be joking about her behind his back! Of course he's mature now looks don't matter he said before. Which just means he acknowledged that she's ugly. In fact before they were together he used to make rude comments about her looks, so he must know deep down she's gross to look at. I can't imagine what she looks like with nothing on NASTY!!!!!!
Anyway, thanks for letting me bash the other woman today. I'm having a great day and I'm so over all this DRAMA. My WH is going to get what he deserves...a married woman who is cheating on her husband who she had an affair with before they got together. Oh yes this is her second affair! I'm pretty sure she's never had a REAL date with a man that wasn't married. Seems she can only get the one's going through midlife crisis!!!!!!! She's a beauty!!
For me..life is getting better. I have great friends and support system and respect based on how I have handled this whole situation. The affair will end they always do. I know my husband lies to her that's how I know it will end. It started as deceit and will end as deceit. I wonder if she knows about our family trip at Christmas two years ago when she went with her family to California. I'm pretty sure he didn't tell her about it. LIES LIES LIES!! I love it.
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