My husband and I have been together for a year and married for a month. It has been a rocky road with lots of mistakes and confusion.
When we began, we were both married to other people and were friends. Soon friendship turned into support. "BOB" was in a terrible relationship where both parties slept on separate couches and barely saw each other. All he used to tell me is what a breath of freash air I was and how far his than wife had left him into the cold.
After months of support from each other we both decided that our current situations were aweful and that it would be best to get out of them. I got a divorce in July of 2007 and rented a house for both of us to move to. It was perfect. He was everything I had dreamed about.
His wife was not so accomidating. She filed for divorce, as did he actually,and went after everything he had. She had kicked him out of the house and put a restraining order on him. We both are highly law abiding citizens so we took this very hard and were frightened about the effects of this. He felt like he had to convince her that revenge was not a good way, but refused to go along with the divorce and drop the restraining order until she got EVERYTHING. This took a long time of support from me, conversations with her, and trips back to his home town.
Than I came home one day from work and everything that he owned was gone. I crumbled into a million peices. Everything was gone. He came back. The divorce still not done.
The months went on and I found out that I was pregnant. He again ran away and actually slept with her. The entire time he runs away he tells me he loves me and that everything is ok. Than I find something else that he has consealed. He came back after the encounter preaching that he was still in love with his wife and that he wanted out.
Than he just stayed....
He got divorced and we got married. Now our relationship is very strained. He still emails her every once in a while and than gets frustrated with me when I get mad.
I've never been this kind of woman. From the very beginning I was convinced that he loved only me. I'm so confused. I will not let this marriage fail. I love him with my whole heart. But do not recieve it back.
If there is any advice. Please. Helpful advice. I would love to have it. Please. I'm very aware of all of my sins, so just help would be welcome. I've beaten myself up over this many times.

well, you are going to be hardpressed to get advice from those of us who have been betrayed in our marriages. Basically, you and he were having an affair, broke up 2 marriages, and decided to get married. Sounds to me like he was having second thoughts of leaving his wife so you "found yourself pregnant" probably not by chance. Be honest, it sounds to me like you were afraid of losing him.

Sounds to me like he is still having second thoughts about leaving his wife. Maybe he feels he made a huge mistake. You are now mad that your affair partner is emailing his wife? Seems the shoe is on the other foot now.

Affair marriages RARELY make it. And now you have gone and brought a child into it. In truth, your "husband's" obligation is to his first wife not you. (speaking from a christian point of view and assuming she was his first wife). "if they will do it with you, they will do it to you".

I honestly do not know what to tell you. My heart, being a betrayed wife, wants to say that if he has a second chance with his first wife he should take it. I know you are married now, but it sounds like it was a pressured marriage and one of convenience with a baby on the way. Maybe his exwife is still fighting for her marriage? And if he is in open communication with her, maybe he is not completely closed off to that.

I think your fantasy bubble is bursting. Real life has set in and real life may be that he thinks he made a big mistake and wants back with his wife. I am not sure what else to say and I am hard pressed to give you advice on how to save or make stronger an affair marriage. If he is having second thoughts, I think he should work it out with his first wife. Annul your marriage.

mlhb

It was his 3rd wife.
Sounds to me like God's forgiveness and trying to make a sin redeemed through love and work is only for the few.
Believe me I understand. And I'm sorry that your marriage ended. Honestly.
I just wanted another way other than giving up. I can't give up

This is both of our first child. Perhaps I was looking for a way to make this a good marriage. Enough to bare my soul and confess my sins. Which we are both sorry for everyday.
This previous marriage had been worked on. By him. Not by her at all.
That is my only defense at this point in time.
I fully deserve and understand any criticism; however, if there is any positive advice on how to get back on the right path, with this man by my side, I would like that very much.

ok, so this is his 3rd marriage... not a good track record.

it's hard, even the harley's have a hard time counseling those who have affair marriages. they are very truthful in that the chances of an affair marriage lasting is slim.

yes, if you have accepted christ into your heart you are his child and he will forgive you if you are truly repentant. however, he is pretty clear how he feels about adultery and i am not sure that your marriage would ever be blessed by him. you see, the betrayed spouse can leave a marriage where the other spouse has committed adultery and they are free to remarry. the spouse that committed adultery is not. (read the writings by Paul)

he is exchanging emails with his wife he left for you correct? what kind of emails? does he regret leaving her?

you have a tough situation. i hope you have learned from your mistakes. take it to god in prayer and find a pro marriage marriage counselor and BE TRUTHFUL WITH THEM THAT YOUR MARRIAGE IS AN AFFAIR MARRIAGE. i do believe that matters in your situation. if you can, call the harleys from this site.

i don't know dear, you have a LONG road ahead of you. it probably won't be easy and truth is, it really may not work out.

trust me, i have been mild on you compared to what others may post...

mlhb

a married man got you pregnant three months after the affair started... i'd be suprised if it were going well

you married a liar and a cheat. you were a liar and a cheat. What did you expect...Nirvana?

Your ONLY hope is to get divorced and work on becoming a good person. Your marriage is nothing more than a continuation of your affair and your child will surely suffer if this sham remains intact.

Absent that...your life will always be a mess.

Please read what Harley tells us about marriages that start with infidelity (aka adultery-based marriages).

Adultery Based Marriages - Written by Dr. Harley Himself

It has completely surprised me about the kind of "advice" that I have gotten on this "building marriages to last a lifetime" website.
I really must make one good point. I did not end or ruin any of your marriages. Not one. I told the truth on this site looking for help, guilt I already have. Thank you.
I am not going to get a divorce. And I don't think my "child will suffer" for anything. All children are blessings, and whether you believe me or not, it took me by surprise. If your advice is to take the punishment and the pain for the rest of my life than that is one thing. But adding to the pain by your own bitter comments (which I had no cause in other than to vent to me) that is neither helpful nor Christian come to think about it.
I assure you that not one of you has the right to cast the first stone. Though my sin maybe seen as "worse" than yours, it is not your judgment to make. Especially when I asked for your help.
This is the single most reason why a lot of people are scared off by the church. Instead of embracing and loving the sinners around us, we judge them and beat them for the sins done upon ourselves. It is not the way that I have learned to serve God. I am not a perfect human being. I feel that I need God's forgiveness very acutely. I appreciate everyone pointing that out. If you are angry about another woman than tell me about that. Don't make me that other woman for you. I can tell you in all honesty that none of you were the type of wife that she was. I promise. You all tried. She never did. I she told me that herself.
I came here for advice. I assure you I feel alone and guilty and sad and devastated everyday. But I'm sorry I will not annul or divorce this man. I love him.
It was 9 months after we met by the way. Not three.
Plus, I would like to add, that neither of us touched each other before I was divorced and he had filed for divorce and separated.
If that makes no difference to anyone than throw it away.
Hope it made you all feel better to beat me up. Did it make your situation a little better? Solve anything?
Well, it made me feel horribly bad.
So carry on, perhaps you all could talk me off the cliff that I'm standing on. Or maybe one of you could push me.

Sydney,

I strongly suggest you read over on the GQII board where you'll learn all about cheating, from a BS POV.

Unfortunately over many many years, we have seen it again and again and again. Thousands upon thousands of the same disturbing and devistating story. The same destructive selfish story where two married people (adulterers) believe they are soul mates (meant to be) and stomp all over anyone and everyone to be together. Only to find out they've ended up much much worse off, but now they have all that carniage and hurt of so many innocent people in their wake.

Take some time and read. PLEASE.

God Bless,
Jo

As did I. You DID marry a liar and a cheat.

Your child WILL suffer from harm the longer this marriage continues.

What you call judgement, I call clear observation of fact.

Look, you can dismiss me..or anyone else here by claiming I or we are bitter...if that helps you, knock yourself out. Bottom line is, your marriage is truly an extension of the affair that you started. And it is showing all the cracks and faults of an affair. The sooner you learn this, the better off you will be.

My advice. If you take some time and read the stories here [GQII, JFO, Recovery) you'll be much more enlightened about the destructiveness of infidelity that leads to adultery-based marriages and their very slim chance of succeeding.

God Bless,
Jo

Resilient, I am reading over the forum that you sent me and it has proved to be a helpful. So thank you for that.

I do not dismiss anything by saying that you are bitter. I said that I agree with you and feel it fully. Just didn't need a beating over it. The bitter comment was made of its own observance. Overall "advice" like "your child will suffer" is not advice. Its a bitter comment that is best saved for your therapy sessions. Feel free to talk about me there if you would like.

I will not annul or divorce. Niether of those are advice.

And my child will want for nothing and suffer for nothing. It is my sin not hers. And we are, thankfully, not in the old testament anymore.

The forum that resilient had given me enlightened me, not only about the difficulties ahead of me, but also the tendency of people doing exactly what you are doing right now to me.

Keep it up.

From reading what Sydney wrote mlhb, it appears this is his FOURTH marriage.

Jo

I am his 4th marriage. That is correct.

*edit*

wonder how his other marriages ended? maybe he has a history of infidelity....

don't fool yourself, our children always suffer from our sins.

mlhb

you have slammed religion a few times here....yet, I haven't seen anyone discuss a religious perspective with you as of yet. You *edit* meant to stir up trouble.

Have you been registered here before under a different name? *edit*

Sydney,

Here is some more advice, if you're open to it.

You keep mentioning your husband's ex-wife's issues and failures in their marriage to justify your adulterous affair with him. What went on in their marriage is no one's business but theirs. Similarly, anyone who intruded in their marriage was an interloper.

You and he had a choice. The choice was to divorce your spouses if you were so unhappy BEFORE you start a relationship with someone else. That would have been the RIGHT thing to do. The mature and honest thing to do. A decision of integrity.

Perhaps talk with your pastor to get guidance on how to get yourself and your daughter in a better place.

God Bless
Jo

Please remember to be respectful of all MB members.

Thank you