Ditto...been wondering how long I have to wait before I put myself on the market . I am not getting any younger and I do want another commited long term relationship in my life. I have been visualizing the perfect partner.

LOL Kag!

Actually I see this time a period when I can really enjoy being single. I did not date much before I met my WH, and was in two other committed (non-marital) realtionships before we got together, so I've really never had the single life before. I too would like another long committed relationship, but after the D I plan to have some fun and just date!

It's funny last month I was in the salon and reading an O magazine. There was this beautiful article about a woman who had been through two bad marriages and divorces. One day she decided to take a piece of paper and write out ALL the qualities she wanted in her next husband. Accoridng to her it was a long and detailed list. Then she tucked it away in a treasure box of sorts. After some time, she met this man and they beagn dating seriously. Long story short, she showed him her list and he said he could check off all but two things and hoped she would still give him a chance!

I think they were married at a later time. Anyway, when I'm ready I'm going to make my list. Hopefully "the universe" will send my new partner my way too. Visualize away girlfriend !!!

Smartie

Just rambling again....wondering why WH gets to leave me with all the responsibilites of the house, the bills, the kids and be off care-free and having fun with his HO(sorry but I am pissed).

Just got home after driving 4hrs into boston and back for my son's cardiology appointment. I have always been the one to do all the appointments, rarely did he help. Now he acts like he needs to know what is going on.

I really want to take him to court and blast him....does plan B make you hate your WH? I am really, really, pissed off.

Then he has the balls to ask my itermediary how is my mom who recently had surgery. Now my son's cat is in the hospital as well. I have always been the one to pick up the pieces and be responsible and caring. And then he faults me for not being care-free....when he doesn't do sh$t.

I don't think I want this jerk back....he is going to fall on his face with ms. light-hearted, care-free, left my husband and 2 babies so I can run off with someone elses husband. I wish I could be a fly on the wall when that happens. It will be the blind leading the blind. Two completely irresponsible people trying to have a golden life.

This woman started having an affair with my jerk of a H when she had a child less than 1 year old. WTF? I stayed home to care for my babies(yes I was lucky). She didn't have to work either. But wouldn't she be wanting to get home from work and see her baby instead of screwing around with my H?

I really hate her also. I have decided to allow myself 2 months to turn into an evil b*tch and purge myself of all the anger and then move on. No more feeling sorry for myself and like a victim. His loss big time! When I am off on vacation for a month this summer with my kids he can be back in his sh@tty job paying me child support and alimony HA!

Wow that was a purge of anger....felt good.

Hi kag,

I haven't posted to you before, but wanted to stop by. You said something on Queenie's thread that so rang true - that some of the WS feel that they've dug a hole so deep that they just don't know how to come back. Wow, very true. I think that is the case in my sitch. Don't think I will ever see my WH again due to that fact.

Anyway, I didn't have time to read your whole thread, so if you have a chance, maybe you can post the Cliff notes version for me.

Hey Kag,

You're probably getting sick of me posting to you but I still wanted to come in here & let you know, from where I'm sitting anyway, YES, this is (still!) all NORMAL. Yes, I did "hate" my H at one point during Plan B...I can't say I hate him anymore but it can still be a roller coaster at times. I'll have a week where I'm purely confident, strong, HAPPY, then I'll see or hear something that sends me straight back to desperate. I've got a GREAT support system though, and a TERRIFFIC IM so that really, really helps. I'm also really good at recognizing when I want to act (and I see you doing the same) so I know I'll be OK. Posting/venting/rambling/screaming here is a great outlet for you.

Wanted to comment on your anger with your WH asking your IM about your mother - your IM is a spam filter, her job is to deliver relevant (kids, finances, scheduling, etc) information to you and THAT'S IT. In other words, no matter her personal thoughts on your WH's inquiry, she should not have told you about it. As you can see, in doing so, it sent you reeling too. It'd be in your best interest to kindly remind your IM that personal, irrelevant details about her conversations w/your WH should not be discussed w/you. This is hard too, I know. At first I was pumping my IM for info & she was falling for it, but it didn't take long to realize this was only hurting me so I let her know I was wrong to ask & she's no longer allowed to give in.

Anyway, sorry for the long read, just some food for thought. I'm jealous of your vacation this summer! I'm getting one night a week all to myself and I feel like the luckiest gal alive - ENJOY!!

Hi Chai,

Cliff notes could be anyone's story here...change the names and that is us . Strained 20 yr M due to son with special needs(85% divorce rate) WH work affair(2 months) Plan A, false recovery working with SH for 6 months. Found out about no NC...kicked his sorry butt out(plan B) Been in plan B 2 months, seriously considering plan D in May. I am not a patient person, don't think I can wait him out especially when I believe it would be years before he realized his mistakes and/or didn't have the personal emotional strength to overcome all his mistakes and ALL the people he hurt deeply(not just me). He knows he is widely despised. BUT his little love-bunny will make everything all right HA

Julie,

I will never get sick of you or anyone posting to my inane ramblings. I got so much out of other lists that helped me deal with my son's surgeries, people in the same boat are life savers!

My IM is my cousin and we are like sisters. This is taking a toll on her as well, so I am a little wary about coming down on her to often. She sent a letter from him to my boys thru and I went ballistic...so what is coming thru is a lot better...I am just oversensitive and really pissed at the moment. BUT anger feels better than grief, but I am sure I will loop again thru denial, grief and anger before hitting acceptance and finally forgiveness and letting go.

Off to my fathers 70th birthday this weekend. Family gatherings have been pretty sad, me, my boys, my divorced brother and his daughter. No spouses. My mom feels like she has rejects for kids, both divorced/seperated. My father is the cheer leader, "you will be fine" "things will be good again"

Sometime I think I should be committed to a looney bin for BS's, does one exist....?

I don't know what possessed me but I put a small album of our wedding in the boys overnight bag. I guess I was trying to make WH feel guilty. He did see it and asked me why I put it there, I said "to torture you"

Also made mistake of allowing him to be present during today's pickup. He came over and loaded bags into my car, asked about the album etc. Of course set off all kinds of emotions for me, sadness, longing, anger....got to get back to the dark where it is so much less painful.

Also I am trying hard not to snoop his email, I know it will kill me. I think I am looping back to denial, this can't be my H, this can't have happened. How could he leave me for a woman that puts her kids second and her own selfish desires first? What kind of person does that? She absolutely pursued my WH when we were supposed to be in recovery. She flaunted her availability and continually invited him over until he finally cracked. Now he is back in la-la land think she is the answer to all his problems.

My mantra is let go, let go, let go.......

Kag: I'm sorry you had a rough day. I'm also sorry to say, you set yourself up to have a bad day. Please don't do this to yourself!

Your H would have surely felt guilty. Your WH? Not so much. Only person you hurt was you.

You were not in Plan B today, not even a little bit. Do you want to be? Because when you let even a peep thru, you lose credibility with WH AND you send yourself into this tizzy you're currently experiencing.

Detach, detach, detach.

Hugs to you, Kag. Today is Square One. Tomorrow & the next few will be withdrawal again, then by this time next week you'll be strong again - IF YOU STAY DARK. Meaning, NO SNOOPING his email - that is contact and will SURELY upset you.

Now...get busy!

Kag after you posted to me I decided to read your thread and I can definitely relate to all you are saying.I do love your sense of humour..had me laughing a lot!!!Podman is excellent name!!

Your plan B is very much like mine has been...fine untill the kids are exchanged..when I know my WH is on his way to the house I lock the front door otherwise he tries to come inside...he doesn't listen to PBL.
My WH also suddenly developed an interest in school meetings,something he never was interested in..even the kids laughed!!
Don't worry about being too old to date..hell,look what happened to me!!was a slip but was still a great ego boost,you were right.Still feel myself blushing when I have flash backs lol,lol
All we can do is take one step at a time hang in there.

Hey Kag,

Thanks for the short version. Of course, as you said, sounds like most of us here. Try to stay dark because it does get better. I quit snooping and now don't even want to. I just don't want to know because I know how painful it would be. At this point, I don't even want to hear his name. Funny how that happens. The longer you are dark, the less you want to know.

Julie,

I know I set myself up...that is why I need to be commited to the looney bin.

Yes my rational self wants to be in plan B and even plan D. But my heart wants it all to be a very bad dream. So I get all mixed up on some days, especially if I am not busy enough. Fortunately that isn't often. But I still do the incredulous loop...how could this have happened????

Hope,

I learned long ago that if I don't laugh at my situation on most days I will cry. Humor helps! I am on the board of a organization that runs sports programs for kids with special needs. We get together on a regular basis and laugh at ourselves and our kids. It is crazy but it helps get you through another day. Of course we are there for each other on the really tough days as well.

You do not want to go to the looney bin! I've been there twice because of WS. It's not fun. I get mixed up too if I don't have alot of other stuff to occupy my day. And I have the same questions you do. Don't know if I will ever get answers. So I started Plan B and got an intermediary and haven't talked to WS in over a month. I think it has helped me concentrate on me and getting myself back together.

LA,

I am only one month ahead of you. It is definetly easier when I don't see him. I have had too much visual contact during the kids drop off....need to stop that.

I am just concentrating on my kids, my family and my friends. My brother, who went thru a nasty divorce(they are still fighting 4 years later) says 'ya gotta have a plan'. Keep yourself over busy.

Right now I am not busy and talking myself out of reading his email, which just sends me into orbit.

I am seriously considering filing. I have met with a lawyer, ordered my marriage cert. Just waiting to finalize a loan refinance. I don't think I can wait for him to file first that would feel like another rejection and then I will be in the LB.

In plan B trying to stay dark while investigating plan D. Email kids schedule through IM but WH rarely responds. What is up with that? And he is getting his own apt. why not move in with his soulmate?

why do i even let this stuff ramble around in my head?

Sending off retainer to attorney tomorrow, but I told her to sit on it until I give the ok. Actually feels pretty good to do that. Like I have some control(not really)

Do you have a plan for how you will handle your WH's anger at this? How will you dodge the phone calls and resist the temptation to yell back? Have you primed your IM?

I honestly don't expect him to get mad. I think he will be delighted to be let off the hook. Well she wants a divorce so now I am free to be with my 'soulmate'. Isn't life grand.

I wanted a sheriff to show up at work and serve him but my attorney talked me out of it. she will send him a letter advising it is coming and to get a lawyer.

I am sitting on the whole thing until I hear back regarding custody issues. I want my boys for a whole month this summer(we have always done this) And we are hoping to go to South Africa in the fall...don't know about leaving the country with them.

Also probably need to seperate finances as he will surely mess them up on his own and I don't want to go down with him.

OH, if only we can predict what they're going to do/how they'll react. All I can say is that in my situation, I am constantly amazed at the new lows my H is sinking to & how he handles things when I KNEW just what he'd do. Won't hurt to be prepared!