Ark thanks for writing this. And to all that bumped it..THANK YOU.

Something I needed to hear. Just not sure how to still my mind and heart.

Be still...

Thank you.

Bump. This is so important. It should be a sticky.

bump

Thanks for bumping this LASunshine.

And Ark, I've read this orignial post before and it just hit me different when I read it last night.

Do you mind if I cut & paste the original post onto my thread so that I can read it often and go back to it on my thread?

Thanks for the thread Ark.

bump for all the new people.

This is something everyone needs to read...

Great post

bump for new people and old who need reminders

Bump!

^

Everytime I read this it reaffirms my efforts. This is great advice.

one of my favorites....one of the best lessons on here......

^^^^^bumping for the new crop of newbies....^^^^^

not2fun

Wow, I'm glad I went to page 2! I think this is what my MC has been trying to tell me.

Be Still.

Allow the process to "happen". Don't push it. Don't force it. Just let it be, still...

one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time...

Be Still.

Thanks,Ark.

Thank you! This story mirrors in so many ways what I feel when I look at my FWH. I don't feel the anger anymore. Now I look at him and just wonder who he is. Where did he go and why? Do I love him? I'm not sure anymore. I feel now that he is my friend, but not my husband. I am hoping that this, too, will pass. That someday in the not-so-distant future, I will feel passion again--like we had before. But how to get to that place? It is so far away . . .

Is this where you "fake it 'till you make it?" Do you try wild, passionate SF even when the thought of SF with someone who did this is revolting to you? [/quote]


CSJ,

I know what you mean...I don't really feel anger or hatred toward my H, but I wonder what happened to him...Shortly after DDay, when he had told me that he was afraid of losing me as his wife and also his friend, and he said that I was always his friend, I asked him, "where was my friend when you were having your A?" He answered, "Off being stupid"...

In my case, Intellectually, I can understand how and why this happened, thanks to the books SAA and HNHN...Emotionally, however, I cannot understand it...why did he do this? How could he not think of me and my feelings? I love him, but I am not sure if I am in love with him anymore...I feel love for him at times, and other times, I just feel like we are just good friends...who have SF, much more than before the A, but it is different in a lot of ways....The SF has been exciting and passionate and my H says it is better than it has been in years. He has told me that the major reason for his PA, was due to the lack of SF we were having and that he felt rejected by me as I put the kids' needs ahead of his. This is true, and I have worked hard to meet his top EN of SF since...It has taken me a while to get the OW out of my head during SF, and when he does something a bit differently or new, of course I know where he learned it, and it hurts.

As for faking it until you make it, I guess that is what I'm doing in a way...You do need to try to meet the SF need, and in my case, it is a way for me to feel close to my H...When he gets his SF need met, he meets mine, and then meets my needs for affection and attention...We are turning around our pattern pre-A, which was like a vicious cycle - he was not communicating with me, so I withdrew from him sexually and the less he communicated with me, the more I withdrew...he felt rejected, and stopped approaching me...then I withdrew further...

The SF will not be the same as it was "before", but it can be better...You need to show your H that sex and love are intertwined and that if you have both, the SF can be unbelievable... [/quote]

Oh, Mamafish, I could have written exactly what you wrote, word for word. How many of us are there with the same story?

But I am feeling more like CSJ at the moment - loving but not "in love". Not feeling the desperate, passionate, heart-thumping, spine-tingling love that H probably felt with OW. Is that the "real thing" or is it the steady, day to day, kiss before heading off to work, snuggling at bed time, discussing the morning news over coffee, dealing with the kids or the aging parents, kind of love? I don't know if I'll ever feel the former again, but I know I CAN feel the latter.

We had amazing, mind-blowing, thigh-trembling SF up until about 2 weeks ago - even in the week following D-day. But it has cooled off a bit. H says his age prevents him from daily SF. Although the only person he ever had SF with 6 days in a row (sometimes twice a day) WAS NOT WITH ME, and I totally resent that. Do I sound a bit pissed-off?

I needed to apply the just be still mantra today.

It was a hard day. I couldn't be still. I wanted to call and yell at him and try to let him know how bad he had hurt me. Logically I knew it wouldn't work, but emotionally, in my heart, I wanted to anyways.

Instead I went to see my therapist and unloaded on her for an hour. And this helped me get it together for the rest of the day.

LA,

I'm glad you were able to unload somewhere useful instead of hurtful to you. It's so important for us to learn healthy ways of taking care of ourselves.

I think alot of us on here, need to learn this.

How are you doing now?

I'm gonna be ok. My therapy lady helped me alot today.

Good, I'm glad.

And I am proud of you for talking through things and working towards solutions. It's important for your recovery.

Thought I would share this with everyone.. and it's perfect for this thread.

During the 9 months since DDay I've taken to looking at church signs as one of the many ways God has to communicate with me.

This morning I saw for the first time one that was just about perfect:

God wants you to BE STILL so that HE can untangle the knot.


How PERFECT for MB and this thread in particular. Any parent here has probably at some point had to try to sort out a particularly messy shoe knot with a little one who just won't sit still long enough for you to sort it out. It's the same way with God and us.. God WANTS to help us through our problems, and wants us to trust HIM completely. We just need to BE STILL and allow HIM to do HIS work.


Thanks again Ark for this thread.. it's been a lifesaver to me and many others.

bump for N2F...

MEDC....

Of all the people to bump this for me,,,,,you were the LAST one I would have guessed to do it.....LMAO....many thanks to you....

Not2fun