In the eyes of the law, if you are legally separated you can date. I know my legal separation said "both parties shall live as if no longer married". We could no longer get joint debt, could not secure debt in the other's name, and we could date. Any dating after the legal sep was signed could not be held against us in court.

Some divorces take YEARS and not because either one wants the marriage saved. If there is a lot of property, money, or just plain stubborn people who do not want to work out those kinds of things very easily, it can takes years to resolve. If they are legally separated, why should you have to wait for all that legal stuff such as property, etc, to be settled before starting to date if you feel you are ready to do so?

I think it goes on an individual basis.

On a Christian basis, I am not so sure. I mean, I dated while legally separated simply because I KNEW our marriage was not going to be salvaged nor did I want it to be nor did he want it to be. He has been living with ow for going on 3 years now. I could not afford to pay for a divorce and he didn't seem to be in any hurry to get one (I am sure because then ow would be putting on the pressure for marriage that he didn't want). He finally filed for divorce and it should be finalized any time here. In the eyes of the law we were both perfectly fine to date others once we signed that agreement. God tells us to follow the law. I also believe God to have believed my marriage was dead due to all of the infidelity.

I don't know.

"shrugs"

I see nothing wrong with her bringing a date since the son invited him to go and wanted him there. That is all that matters.

mlhb

I'm not an expert but it seems to me that at the very least, if one of the spouses is holding out hope, being involved with another person is adultery... Is it not?

Don't you feel that your WH is in adultery still and that the OW is still an adulteress with a married man, your husband?

Sorry but i would have to agree with EE, ba109, IJJ and the others who said that it is your DS's day.

I would not think that either of you should be bringing anyone else to his wedding, this is his day and i know that he has already been through a lot of stress and should not be put in the situation where he needs to make that decision whether YOU feel the situations are different or not.

I think you should just go by yourself and support your DS and new DIL.

DLK
I think their relationship will ALWAYS be an adulterous one simply because it started while he and I were still living together as man and wife. Had he started a relationship with someone (someone new, not one of his affair partners) AFTER we signed the sep papers, I would not have thought of it as adultery.

mlhb

Tabby,

I the divorce isn't final then the marriage is still in force.

I seem to recall you coming here to try to save your marriage.What happened that you now feel entitled to making his life miserable and can use the same types of arguments to justify you having a boyfriend before the divorce is final that he used to justify the affair in the first place?

Since most affairs end within two years of their own accord and since even when Plan B is implemented the goal is still reconciliation, why on earth would you start a new relationship before a divorce is granted and expect support for it on Marriage Builders?

Frankly, you are as fogged out as any WS I have ever seen here?

And just so you know...EVERY WS says, "But my situation is different..."

BA109 and the others who have tried to tell you that you bringing a date to your son's wedding while you are still married is wrong are on target.

And just so you know, the fact that you are saying it here does not make it MB practice to begin dating while the marriage is still in force.

I was going to try to explain it, but I think it would be a waste of bandwidth.

Mark

wow tabs, you opened a can of worms here didn't you? ugh.

bf issue aside, do what your son wants done. if he invited your bf to come than obviously he is ok with it. i understand why he doesn't want ow there, she is the reason you two aren't together. but your bf is not.

whatever your son wants, it is his day.

mlhb

mlhb,

A parent should do what is right, which is not always what their kids 'want'.

I would have to agree with ba109 on this, sometimes kids just do what the parent wants not really what "they" want to do.

In the eyes of the law, if you are legally separated you can date.

Where is this law that it can be termed "legally" ok?

I really think that you need to replace that word with "morally" because LAW has nothing to do with it.

Goodness, it isn't even against the law to date WHILE married. There are no dating police out there dragging people in.

I have to agree with ba109. It just ain't right. The entire day is gonna be filled with whispers of who his Mom brought and who his Dad brought...and the tension....gawd.

committed

Actually, this is not quite true. It depends on the state. In my state (SC) you sign a SA but there is no 'legal' separation even though you must be physically separated for 1 year before you can divorce. However, even with a SA in place, you are still 'married' in the eyes of the law and can be charged with adultery if your spouse chooses to pursue it. Not that it usually changes the terms of the settlement at that point but the spouse can get a divorce much quicker if he or she can prove adultery (even when separated).

Obviously, doesn't really matter in Tabby's case as her stbx left her for the OW.

The point is - in many states you are either married or divorced - there is no 'legally separated and can date' status. A legal separation agreement is generally designed to separate the couple's assets and liabilities as well as take care of custody issues. It's not a free pass to date.

I will clarify..
In MY separation agreement it stated that we were free to live "as though we were not married"

Divorce is expensive. I know couples who have opted to legally separate and not divorce until one or the other decided to remarry.

I don't want to TJ or go off on tangents. I can see all sides of the picture. And I see that there is still quite a power struggle between Tabby and her stbxh.

Tabby, you said if you decided not to bring bf to the wedding you didn't want your ex thinking it was because he had "won".
It has nothing to do with that Tabby. You and your ex shouldn't have even had this conversation. You and your bf were invited. Ex was invited. That is who your son wants at the wedding. That should be the end of it. IF you are concerned about bringing bf than don't bring him. He should not be there as your support system. You have family and friends for that. If having him there is going to cause tension for you and the ex or will in any way possibly cause a scene than don't bring him.

mlhb

Tabby,

I am going to weigh in on this as well. I would not date a person who is separated and not married. That said, I did go out on few "dates" before I was divorced. How's that for hypocritical?

Whether this is a BF or your friend, it seems strange that you would want to take a date to ANY wedding while you are still married to someone else. Let your stbx do what he wants, you go alone and hold your head up. I know what it's like to be separated for a long time while still waiting for D to be finalized. However,it's only for a day and taking a date in your sitch seems like blatant disrespect for the whole institution of marriage.

I completely agree with what Mark wrote. Well said.

There is no "almost" divorced. You're either married or you're not.

Jo

mlhb,

I think it highly irresponsible of you to continuously encourage someone that is married to go ahead and date, especially when you flat out admit that YOU DON'T KNOW. It is obviously a gray area for you and to encourage someone else to date appears to me to be self serving on you part. If you need validation for your choices, get it somewhere else, not on a marriage building site.

Just because you were okay with dating while separated doesn't make it right for Tabby. She must decide what is morally right for her. She has to live with her decisions.

and she is hear asking for opinions and that is all i gave.

I don't need anyones approval or validation or anything else.
That I chose to date while legally separated is a matter between me and the people I date and ultimately God.

I am not telling her what to do. But I don't think she should be made to feel badly if she chooses to do it. We are not here to judge.

mlhb

This would have been wonderful advice to share. This infers that it is a moral decision that she will have to live with. Instead you are encouraging dating while married.

omg,

I think what I am saying is being blown out of proportion here. You make it sound like a advocate affairs or something. I certainly do not. I PERSONALLY, my OWN OPINION see nothing wrong with dating after there is a legal separation. That is all I am saying! I am not telling her to go and do something that she is not already doing.

The original question in her thread was should she bring her bf to the wedding. My answer stands: If her bf was invited to go and her son wants him there then bring him. It is her son's wedding and if he invited them both then that is that. BUT, if her bringing her bf is going to cause and argument or a scene with her and her ex or if she is bringing him to be her support, I think those are wrong reasons to bring him. The conversation that took place between her and her ex should never have occurred.

I will bow out of here now. I said my opinion which is what she asked for.

Tabby, do what you and your son feel is right. It is his day. Just don't bring bf if a scene might be caused with your ex and don't bring him just because you think if you choose that route it is your ex "winning". Your ex has nothing to do with the equation any longer. What he thinks is irrelevant.

Good luck to your son and his fiance. I hope it is a beautiful wedding.

mlhb

Nor do I under 1 condition.

That there is no hope, desire or chance for the marriage to recover.

EXACTLY MEDC.

now i will bow out.

mlhb

But there remains a hard question linked to that...

WHO decides? Who decides there is no hope..desire...or chance? The WS or the BS?

Both can be so deep in the fog that they are not able to make that decision.

committed