MB is now probably a pleasanter place to chatter in than three months ago, but at what price

Perfect, Mr. Pure.

I hope people realize that there is a difference between "disrespectful" and straight shooting. THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERNCE.

Some people write extremely well. Others, like me, don't. But flowery prose should NEVER be confused with good, strong advice.

Some people are rah rah, feel good posters. And those people are BIG TIME important. They fill a need EVERY SINGLE ONE of us has. Sometimes we just need to hear some kind words. We don't want any problems straigtened out by a single post, we just want some kindness. I know there are more than a few posters here that have been kind, nice and understanding when it came to MY PROBLEMS. They probably should have ripped me a new one, but they didn't and I appreciate it.

But there are also those who don't mince words. They get into hassles with others, but more often than NOT, if you can put bruised egos aside, you realize that they are right. Tough, but right.

And the FEW that like to harass people to make themselves feel good usually stop posting after a few times. They are too selfish to worry about other peoples problems.

I so agree with you gaba. I didn't get to read past my post on the last thread that got shut down on this topic but I kinda said the same thing. What's with all the coddling? No nonsense advice is called for MANY times when someone is thick in the fog. Strong words are also called for on occasion... calling a cheater a cheater, a leech a leech, an abuser an abuser, an affair adultery, etc. etc.

If a troll or troublemaker jumps in with the obvious sole purpose of stirring the pot, delete THEIR post, not the whole thread! Sheesh.

Posters,

Please remember that sometimes there is a fine line between "straight talk" and breaking TOS. None of the moderators want to change MB fundamentally, or interfere with truth, honesty, tough love or straight talk. But nowhere does TOS exclude those things. The list of exclusions is actually pretty easy to avoid, and STILL fight infidelity very effectively.

We have been charged to keep the peace and help the forum to remain focussed on Marriage Building in a more proactive way. We're doing the best we can in an environment where we have no hope at all of pleasing everyone and no matter what we do, we will recieve both praise and criticism. Transitions are hard, but I am confident that with very small changes, all of you can rise to the challenge of being true to who you are, and representing your point of view, without going overboard. You can be incredibly passionate in your opinions and speech without breaking TOS.

I agree with your post for the most part.


Based upon an email I received from one new moderator, I would say this is not always the case. I will say that there are at least a few new mods that have obviously brought with them an agenda to their new positions. The email that this moderator sent to me was one of the most arrogant things I have ever read. I passed it on to a few other well respected MB'ers and they felt the same way.

I am hoping that in the coming months the new mods will settle into their positions and have a more consistent approach to their "job." Only then, IMHO, will you succeed in your goal of focusing on MB.

BTW, I think that as a whole, most of the new mods have done a great job.

medc,

Please have faith in JustUss to choose the right moderators for the right forums. She knows everyone of us, and I can promise you that she assigned no "coddlers" to GQII and no one you would object to. If you find that a reply from any moderator is disrespectful to you....please please contact JustUss instead of circulating it to other posters. We are still very much in the process of settling in to our positions, so I expect to see alot more confidence developing between the posters and the mods in the coming weeks. I'm hoping everyone can show a little bit of patience while we iron out the glitches and the challenges, but please be reassured that the moderation group is very representative of the diversity of our forum and we are trying very hard to make sure everyone is heard.

Thanks Sycamore. I have imposed on Justuss enough and sought out the advice of some people I respect to run the email by. I have no issue with the moderating on GQII. It has been fair and even handed...even when I was being edited.

Thank you for your suggestion and for your work here. Both are appreciated.

Wow..

What a job for the Moderators..

You certainly can't please everybody...

I, personally, LIKE the flavor of the forum now..

IMO, it's MORE like it was when I first came here...

I was being really BOTHERED by all of the ARGUMENTS that were going on more recently...the NEGATIVITY was driving me away from the forum..I felt like a child feels being around parents who are always fighting..it was a MAJOR TRIGGER..causing me more BAD FEELINGS and MEMORIES..whereas when I first came here MBers was a SAFE HAVEN...

NOW, what's bothering me is the implication that there are INSIDERS that KNOW the MODERATORS and that there are OUT CONVERSATIONS going on that we OUTSIDERS don't know about..YUCK...

MY HUMBLE OPINION and VIEWPOINT...

IMO, THE HARLEY PRINCIPALS HAVEN'T CHANGED and THE PAIN OF INFIDELITY HAS NOT CHANGED..THAT'S WHAT MATTERS...not the PLAYERS...PEOPLE will COME and GO...

Tyk ~ Brooke's thread has not been disappeared. Still there.

GG ~ Would you write out to yourself what you wrote, only have it from another poster writing about your wife? I mean, their opinion, all those names...and remember your first post on this site?

If posters had told you what a loser your wife really is, how would that have been building your marriage? If they focused on her, and she's not here--she's only "here" through your filter, your perspective...instead of asking you, "What's in your control?"...how would that have followed Harley, given you a new perspective on your marriage?

You've embraced MB with passion, IMO...no iron curtain stopping you...no thought police...moderation of a volatile time in people's lives, where marriage matters most, reactivity and passion overlap, and tough can be defined different ways...tough to stop lurking and start posting...tough to stay vulnerable and true (to get the help we need)...and tough is challenging all of us to make a plan, stay clear on what it is, and what's in our control.

And with each post we learn...each interaction, IMO. Like in our marriages learning the difference between, "You are a liar!" and "I believe you lied about <blank>." May not seem that different...at first.

I don't believe it has anything to do with policital correctness, nicey nice or thought policing...everything to do with walking what you talk...changing your beliefs...and acting from love and respect...be it on a message board, in communication with our spouses, our children, our community. One affects the other...practicing, not perfection.

LA

Sycamore,

Thank you and the other mods for finally jumping in with a view from the "other side". It makes perfect sense. I think we can all return the favor by showing a small fraction of the patience with you all as you have with us.

I appreciate how tough your job is and how fine a line it is to comply w/ TOS and still deal with such rampant emotions.

Rage, desolation, loneliness, fear...they can be the cause of both good and bad actions and words.

I've seen some posts here (including my own when I've gone back and read them later) that are absolutely riddled with AOs, DJs, SDs and other LBs. What does that teach the newbies??

It was clear to me early on that one of the benefits of these forums is that they both allow us to vent, and then turn around practice MB principles...something that, at first, appears schizophrenic.

I, for one, have an overdeveloped sense of what's "right", and that rigid nature has NOT helped make my marriage a "safe place to be" over the years. Recognizing that has helped me to overcome my tendency to DJ...one of my worst LBs.

Yeah, adultery is just plain wrong, but I think we can all agree that focusing on that one note makes for a pretty boring tune.

One can be "right", but then look around and find that they are alone in their righteousness...

Loving

I understand you post.

But, I must stand by my original post. There are problems because two people can't get along, and there are problems because one or both spouses SHOULD NEVER BURDEN ANYONE ELSE WITH THEIR "LIVES"

He told the therapist that his WISH in life at that point was to (im paraphrasing) Hang out in bars, AND FLIRT.

Hello? Is it me? Get up, open the door, and run, run as fast as you can and get away from him and THANK GOD you got away when you did.

I'm sorry Loving, but THAT is not someone you are having problems with, that is someone that DESERVES to be alone. Sorry. But, could you be MORE disrespectful and hurtful? There is no trying with someone like that. To me, those disgusting words hurt as much as if he got up and belted her. Im sure if he did that, no one would complain if he was called a loser than, right?

I don't make it a habit to tell people their spouses are hopeless, because 99% are not. So if I post ONE post out of over 300, I see myself as fairly judicious.

But, your right, I would not have liked it if someone had described my wife the way I described her husband. BUt I also have listed many, many positive things about her. As far as I could tell, she listed few, if any, about her husband. I only have her thoughts to go on.

I am sorry, Loving. BUt my opinion stands. But I respect your opinion and will be even MORE judicious in the future. Youve ALWAYS come across fair and responsible in your posts.

Learning

But, I don't think ALL negative judgements are disrespectful. If they ALL were, telling someone who is having an affair they are jerks would be a disrespectful judgement. And you know and I know, that WHILE THEY ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN AFFAIR, they ARE JERKS.

Because for every inexcusable thing people do nowadays, there are HOARDS of people telling them that is OK, and don't let others JUDGE them. Look on the affair sites. LOOK AT THE MEMBERSHIP NUMBERS.......unreal, huh? And the vast majority are telling each other that breaking someones heart is ok as long as you are happy and growing as a person. Sorry, thats a croc.

And as far as being alone in your righteousness, sometimes you HAVE to stand alone. Sometimes being right is NOT being popular. You simply have to have the resolve to stand by what you think is right.

But, I admit, in a marriage, you have to give in at times, right or wrong. Like the old saying. "You can be right, or you can be married"

exactly!!!!!!!

GG, we all agree that affairs are bad. We all agree that WSs are behaving badly.

A thought about DJs.

What if I jumped in and said (and mods, please bear with me):

"GG, you are a lousy speller. Don't you know that it's not "HOARDS", it's "HORDES"? Also, it's not "croc", it's "crock"! Why don't you learn to spell. What are you, an ignorant JERK??"

How would that make you feel? What would that make you think about me?

I'll tell you how I felt doing it...I felt arrogant, overbearing and, frankly, like a jerk.

NO, not all negative judgments are disrespectful...the key is in the intent and the language.

I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that no matter how "correct" I might have been in some of the things I've said to my WW over the years, my doing so played a fundamental role in creating an environment where her A became more palatable to her.

Did that justify her A? Not a bit. Does that make my behavior ok? Not in the slightest.

My comment about being alone should resonate with some. There are plenty of BSs here who have "moved on" because their indignation and righteousness sabotaged their ability to truly do a Plan A...something I wrestle with every day.

GG, do I think you're a jerk? Of course not, and I share most of your feelings and thoughts on the subject...I'm just talking about packaging here...

L2F

LovingAnyway, can you please point out where the original thread is? I've searched everywhere and did not find it.
Others have referenced it being gone also. That is why I started this in the first place. So, if I'm wrong, please bump it up or link it, because I would like to see some of the other comments made after mine.

Medc; Mimi; and others -- the off board stuff makes me really uncomfortable. Sometimes posters trade emails and will coach each other offline. I'm not a big fan of that. But when Mods do it, it really makes me feel like an outsider. I don't think its right for the select few to have personal relationships and knowledge of who the Mods are.

It seems like the editing is more aggressive -- fine.
Sometime a thread is locked -- fine.
But I really don't like the off-board activities, and the disappearing threads. Call it constructive criticism.

AMEN!! I feel this way EXACTLY, LEXX!

But LEXX, don't let this result in YOU leaving...

Let's try to stay here and do our part in AFFAIRBUSTING...and Lexx, YOU ARE NEEDED HERE for that...

I do not have contact with any mods unless it is regarding an issue here on the boards. I don't know of anyone that is aware of a moderators identity through personal relationships either.

I'm not sure what other off board stuff you are talking about. I maintain email contact with a few posters...phone contact with a few others...that is my choice is there is nothing wrong with that.

The off-board stuff has always made me feel like an outsider. But it is what it is. What the mods do is not in my control. So I made my peace with it quite awhile ago, and realized that when you are posting on someone's site, you go by their conditions.

So back to Marriage Building for me. Heaven knows there are enough problems here without looking for more.

MEDC:

I thought that in some posts you were alluding to knowing who the mods are..that the mods used to be posters....

That's basically my viewpoint, too, B..but it does make me "FEEL uncomfortable". But, so what? I've felt WORSE than "uncomfortable" before...I don't always have to FEEL good.

Mimi, what I know is not based on personal relationships.