Apha - even meaningless f-ing is better than nothing after 10 years of a sexless marriage [which I endured because I believed that there were medical reasons for not wanting sex and because I was weak, stupid, naive, wanted to continue to live with my young children, etc.]

I do get what you're saying; I just don't know how to fix it. In fact, a thread in which you participated dealt with whether a complete confession of an A is required to return to full emotional intimacy. Was there ever any consensus on that?

I suppose a freeloader is more likely to have an affair than a buyer, yes. They only do what comes naturally. A renter is only around until something better comes along. A BUYER is the least likely to have an affair.

The consensus is yes for intimacy to return then there must be honesty.

I would guess your W has no clue how to end this destructive pattern in her life.

I wanted to add something to the mix. It is seemingly small but suddenly seems to speak volumes. During our R discussions, she told me "You're a good person." Not "I love you so much and am so sorry that you are feeling so miserable." Doesn't that seem a little like damning with faint praise?

FF - I am actually very afraid of the truth because it may be a series of affairs starting while we were dating and continuing to the present day 27 years later.

The only thing worse than knowing the truth is not knowing it.

She doesn't like conflict and she doesn't think that a person should have to work on a M. Once you're married, you're probably not going to be "swept away" by your H is the Jane Austen sense. So when normal problems come along and there's no deeply honest communication (including honest conflicts) there is always going to be a gravitational pull away from fidelity (although apparently not from the M itself.)

Right, she is a freeloader, which has led your marriage to this sorry state. She will have to change that if she expects to ever have a happy marriage.

Would she go to a Marriage Builders weekend with you? What about counseling with the Harleys?

Also, if she is looking for that "swept away" feeling, she is going about it the wrong way. She CAN HAVE that in a marriage, but not by being a FREELOADER. She can have that by being a BUYER. So, her actions are never going to get her what she wants.

She wants a beautiful pristine home, but she doesn't want to do any of the work required. Because she is a freeloader, her house will always be a falling down, dirty, dump. So instead of cleaning up her own house and getting what she wants, she will always be looking at other peoples homes. Very counterproductive and not very strategic use of her efforts. Its like driving to Kansas and then complaining that you aren't in TEXAS.

Ugh the same crap my FWH fed me during his affairs.

It may satisfy you physically, but it is definitely doing your M more damage than good.

BladeRunner,

Maybe a part of her did want to talk about it. Although there are some obvious upsides to an affair (otherwise no one would have them), the lying and sneaking around and hiding yourself from the person you chose to spend your life with is draining. And when she said "you're a good person" she may have meant that she thinks she's not. So one hurdle she has to overcome is understanding that she CAN change if she wants it bad enough.

And yes, I did eventually confess to my husband. His reaction was not typical of most men from what I gather. He simply doesn't want to talk about it at all. Every once in a while, he'll blow up about something completely different and then he'll make some vague comment, almost in code.

I don't think you should wait for her to confess, though. Even though it's possible that she might, the fear against it is so great. The first instinct is always to deny everything. To a serial cheater, the truth coming out means instant rejection, divorce and the entire world exploding. And I'm only exaggerating a little. I understand NOW that the pain I caused was in what I was doing but at the time I was thoroughly convinced that only discovery would hurt him.

You should tell her that you already know, that you have known for a long time that something was wrong, and there is no use denying it, but that it doesn't have to be the end of the marriage. Tell her how important honesty is to you and that you want to start over with the sort of marriage in which you can tell each other everything. You might even tell her that you know it has to be wearing her down having a secret life away from you but that it doesn't have to be that way.

So what do you think will happen with our M if she won't confess and I still suspect but I can't prove anything?

Bladerunner,

Nothing good - I can tell you that. I think you should confront her with whatever evidence you have as soon as possible. Maybe you can try one more time to get more evidence, phone records, Internet activity, whatever you can find. But I think it's a mistake to just sit on this. The longer you're quiet on this, the more she'll think that you just don't notice what she does and you don't want her thinking that.

In my opinion, this means that she does not see HERSELF as a good person, driven as she is by Harlequin style romance urges. She wasn't focused on YOU, she was focused on HER with that little remark.

In other words, you are giving while she is taking and somewhere in the depths of her conscious mind a little voice tells her that is wrong; but what can she do, driven by the false beliefs of tons of people that infatuation is the only way to measure love, devotion, family and grown up stuff.

In my opinion, your wife is typical of those who through lack of education or a moral upbringing, as the case may be, who do not understand the fundamentals of relationships. I agree with the probability she is a serial adulterer.

Larry