Suzet - welcome back to MB!

Some time ago I suggested to you that your husband might be having an affair.

You would have to be very naive to believe his lame excuses - you have 2 pieces of evidence - an SMS and an eye witness. Let's say someone asked you about those very 2 pieces of evidence - what would your advice to them be?

BK, obviously such info from another poster would have sounded very suspicious to me and would indicate to me that an A is probably going on. My advice to such a poster would have been the same as the advice I've received from most posters on this thread e.g. to snoop and look for more info.

Although the sms my H has sent to the ex-GF is totally out of line and very inappropriate, I agree with FH that the “wording” and “style” doesn’t necessarily “sound” like an A and therefore I don’t view it as “evidence” of one. Also, if my H was/is really involved in an A, it doesn’t make sense that he as a IT-guy would have sent it from an account I also have access to and can check any time… Add to the fact that my H doesn’t speak or behave towards me like a person in an A, I think you might understand why I highly doubt it…my “gut instinct” is also not telling me he has one or had one… The sight seeing at the shop does sound like speculation/misidentification IMO and therefore I don’t view it as “evidence” either.

However, for my own piece of mind I will continue to keep my eyes open just to make sure…

Thanks for your post & concern.

ForeverHers,

You said something last week that made me think. You said:

FH, by “intoxicated” I suppose you mean a person who had too much alcohol? Originally I thought that could not be the case since the sms was sent 8:30 am on a Wednesday morning (during work time). Also, my H is usually a very mild and occasional user of alcohol and doesn’t use it inappropriately. I figured the only time he could be taking alcohol at work was in the case of a company year-end-function.

I talked with my H the past weekend in general about work functions etc. and asked him casually when the year-end function of his company had taken place (I didn't tell him why I've asked and did not refer to the sms again). He responded it was somewhere at the end of November last year in the form of a barbeque on the company’s premises. He said they started with the barbeque very early that morning (around 7 am). He said some of the people started to have something to drink at that time and that he had some beers himself. Therefore, I guess a few beers on an empty stomach so early in the morning (especially to a person who is not use to it) could have intoxicated him somewhat!

Anyway FH, I just wanted to let you know that your 1st inclination is probably correct since it's highly possible that the sms was sent on the same day the function was held (both at the end of Nov). My H’s birthday was a few days earlier, so if the ex-GF did sent him a late birthday sms, it make sense that he had been in contact with her and had her nr at the time.

Suzet, alchohol lessens normal inhibitions and gives the person who is imbibing the ability to "allow" themselves to do things they would not normally do when they are "stone cold sober." The alcohol is "blamed" much as many people try to shift blame by saying something like, "the devil made me do it."

If someone who is NOT a regular drinker, beer, or any alcohol, WILL intoxicate them quickly, and it doesn't take "much" alcohol to do it. Toss in the "boys will be be boys" thing, and it's not hard to imagine talks and conversations among the "pary-goers" sliding into sexual topics (a favorite of men who are more susceptible to sex in general). Then, "bingo," the male bravado of "Let me show you!" and whip out the cell phone.

Not being TOTALLY falling down drunk, there is still some shred of rationality left, hence the "don't call me back on this number" sort of thing. If there was enough drinking to "cloud the mind," it's also very possible that the "details" of the party ARE forgotten in an alcohol "haze," but it is more likely that the "memory" is blocked because the SOBER mind doesn't want to admit it DID something it KNOWS is BAD.

God bless.

FH, I understand what you're saying. Thanks for your reply.

Although my H could have not send the sms directly from his cell phone (the nr he used is only an Internet card nr), I guess it is possible that he could have sent it through the Internet connection from his personal cell phone in stead of a desktop computer. If he did sent it out of bravodo while amongst the party-goers, it make sense that he would "protect" his identity from the ex-GF by sending the sms from a nr that would appear anonymous to her so that she couldn't really reply to him or call him (although the message in the sms indicated otherwise). I think if he really wanted her to reply to him or call him, he would have sent it from his "normal" cell phone nr so that she could know exactly whom it was from.

I guess I'm just still trying to make sense out of it.

Check the "signs," the behaviors you have seen. Do they reinforce faithfulness and love for you or do they seem "distant," "forced," "play acting," etc. (the sort of things we usually associate with someone in an affair and just trying to "go through the motions" in order to hide the affair?

Then consider the "stupid factor."

Some things we wind up doing in life are just that, "stupid," with no "sinister intent" behind them. "Showing off," doing something "out of character" to impress someone. "Going along with the boys." Etc., etc..

In my younger days I did things like that too. I was on a sales convention trip one time and went out "with the boys" for a night on the town. They decided they wanted to go to a bar with scantily clad women dancers on stage (known in the USA as "titty bars"). Instead of saying, "No, that's not what I am comfortable with, I "went along to get along" as the saying goes. I WAS uncomfortable the whole time, despite faking having a good time with the boys, and I've never set foot in such a bar again. Sometimes we are all just "butt stupid." Standards and Boundaries are "nice sayings" until a person really believes they are important for their own life and CHOOSES to implement them "no matter what" and "no matter what anyone else might think." Think "learning curve" and "learning from our mistakes."

So what do you really think in trying to make "sense" of the "senseless?" "Butt stupid" or "Serious intent and willful infidelity?"

If it's the former, then consider the "sense" in the biblical truth that "love covers over a multitude of sins." Forgiveness, as you know, includes not "dwelling" on what has been forgiven and not "using" the past to hurt the spouse or the marriage.

If it's the latter, then consider going into full-blown detective work and getting the "facts" that would support proof of an active affair.

God bless.

FH,

As I've previously told you, my H doesn't show any signs that makes me suspicious or can be associated with someone who tries to hide something or lies about something.

After I have thought everything through and consider what you have said, I do think of what he has done as something "stupid" without any sinister intents/motives. I do understand anyone can make stupid mistakes for various reasons. And I do know my H as a Christian and person who is IMO not capable of intentionally hurting other people or pretending to be something he is not. Also, I will not hold this "stupid" incident against my H or be unforgiving about it. How can I? My H has forgiven me for so many wrong choices I've made in the past...and I will forever be grateful for him about that... No, the only thing I still wanted to make "sense" out of this was to figure out how my H could have ended up doing this "stupid/senseless" thing (I wanted to at least understand it). So I was just expressing my thoughts to you on how I think it happened - especially since you've helped me with your posts on this thread.

God Bless.

I understood that, Suzet. My "caution" to you was about the "dwelling on it" issue. Like a dog "worrying a bone," trying to make sense of the senseless keeps nagging at you and you can wind up chasing your tail around and around, never quite catching it...again, just like a dog involved in another common "dog-like" behavior. Satan just loves it when we act like dogs instead of like Christ....grin :eek:

Suzet,

My FWH did a lot of his A right in front of me. He said that some of it was that he kind of wanted to get caught but he didn't want to have to tell me (chicken...) He is very tech savvy and that was part of the reason that I never believed that his emails or calls were part of an A, because I figured he was smart enough that he could hide it from me if he wanted to...so it must be innocent. I don't know if that was his plan all along, to hide it right in front of my face, but it was effective. Add a little wishful denial on my part, and I had no doubt that he was a saint.

JMO

Suzet - if the search function wasn't broken, I'd find that thread on the recovery board where from your descriptions of your husbands BEHAVIOUR, I asked if he could be having an affair.

I think you are wise to keep snooping.

BK, is this the thread you are referring to?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=143950&Number=1896178#Post1896178

The above thread is the only one I can remember where you've asked me if I think my H might not tell me something.

That's the one!

LOL

How did you get search to work?
LOL.

That and the latest you have posted here greatly concern me as does your willingness and ability to have an answer for everything. Self delusion is pretty powerful.

LOL! BK, I did not use the search function to get that thread (it's still not working). I've gone back to posts from last year and looked for that thread under all the posts I've made under my previous screen name. I was using the "view posts" function. Luckily I still had a good idea of the name of the thread and the month it was posted, so it was not too difficult to find it, but it took a while!

BK, on that thread I was concerned about my H's personal opinion (which I don't agree with) about the topic, not any suspicious behaviour from him. But because of my concern about his opinion I did post a poll about it afterwards to get other posters opinions too, and it was interesting for me to see that some posters had the same opinion than my H about the topic at hand. Here is the poll I've posted back then:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...mp;Number=1907221&page=1&fpart=1

Anyway, I can understand why it might appear to you and some other posters that I'm self delusional and in denial about this. Everyone who had been hurt by infidelity (FWS's and BS) is "sensitized" to infidelity and ultra sensitive to any warning signs or things that might indicate an A (I'm too and that's why I was so very worried when I've first started this thread). However, as I've already explained, those 2 incidents is not proof of anything at this point and I'm not willing to be obsessed and untrusting (and in the process hurt my H and M) about something that was most probably misidentification (the sight seeing) and a "stupid" mistake without any sinister intents/motives (the sms). I did pray about this as well and I do feel calm and at peace with the whole thing at this point. But one can never be too sure and that's I will keep my eyes open.

The more I read your thread the more I think this could be a mistake.

Keep your guard up and be vigilant, but, from what I understand, he isn't acting like a wayward and dealing the abuse that most waywards throw out.

I think FH did a really good post.

We have to be careful about going overboard both directions. You would do well to watch things, but it's not always good to convict based on one or two pieces of evidence. I have seen the reports on those who were sent to prison based on witnesses seeing them at the crime scene, but DNA evidence showed they were not the right person. People can be mistaken for someone else, and it happens often when the people doing the reporting don't know those involved personally.

Suzet, it really is good to hear how you are doing. I always hope for the best in peoples lives, and I would guess there are a number of us who wondered how you have been.

Keep going to God with your concerns. If your H is innocent, God will show you, and bring you peace. Of course he expects you to use your head, but he knows all the facts, and often we do not.

We see many times people on MB say "My gut feeling is...."
My personal opinion is that God gives us those feelings by the power of the holy spirit to clue us in. I believe you said your gut feeling is that nothing is going on.


May God continue to bless you, and watch over you both.

SS

Thanks Still Seeking, your words are much appreciated!

May God bless you too.