Ok, MEDC. I don't know what you mean. But, Ok! I respect your right to the outside PERSONAL relationships.

I think there are a good number of people who have friendships "off-board". And that is fine -- personal choice.
I prefer to keep my privacy and don't put myself out there like that.

But I don't think its appropriate for Mods to interact off-board with posters.

And I don't think its appropriate for Marriage-building advice to be done off-board. I've seen a few instances where posters trade emails for the purpose of advising each other off-board.
Scary.

I think we've been a pretty good group of self-regulated posters.
I think its been rare that a Mod needed to get involved with a board discussion -- usually only in the event of a troll.

The board wars aren't always pleasant, but I think they are a growing pain. Sometimes necessary. I'd hate to see the level of editing continue.

Just my opinion...

I basically agree with ALL of your opinion, LEXX...

Just wanted to let you know...

Lex,

You're correct...the thread you were searching for was removed...disappeared (that's what I call it). The mod explained that originally the thread was begun by keepitreal in GQII, then the mods moved it to Other Topics, and then removed it entirely.

Was named the same as this one, almost...What's going on...

I recall that the choice to disappear threads began close to a year ago (maybe July of last year?) so that isn't a new policy.

I'm with you...unlike locking a thread, we can't see responses after our posts when the thread is removed. We can't see where it goes awry or doesn't, as we did with locking threads...and I agree, also, about not knowing who the mods are. I accept this is the way the Harleys want the board to be right now...and understand, as well, that's it's a work in progress.

What we can do is email a moderator of the forum that the thread was last in and ask.

Mimi, any registered member of MB can email the appropriate moderator with their concerns...or notify them post by post with the "Notify" button at the bottom of each post (next to the Reply, Quote, etc. buttons).

I thought your post rocked, btw...and your commitment to stay, keep posting and marriagebuilding. We know that MB can't control other boards, email groups...

MEDC, I appreciate your honesty in stating you share mod emails with other MBers by email.

LA

Actually, the policy of removal of threads "gone awry" has been around since late '2001. Approx 7 years.

Jo

I know.

What bothered ME was the implication, that SOME people KNOW who the MODERATORS are OR used to be as POSTERS. Who gets to KNOW and WHO DOESN'T? How is THAT determined? Seems petty for me to be concerned about that...but I was wondering...I guess it shouldn't matter...

I LOVE THAT THE MODERATORS are THERE and APPRECIATE their monitoring of the FORUM..

I wondered where all the Vets were too, I see LA posting now and again (Hi LA!), Lexxy, believer, miami, the wonderings, but wondered about MelodyLane, Pep (she seemed like she was coming back more often), JustLearning, etc, too numberous to list...

The VETs are valuable poster to BS, WS, FWS, even if sometimes it is tough love.

Hopefully they will make their way back over time.

Actually what I said was that I shared 1 particularly offensive email with a few fellow MB'ers to get their input. Not plural. I have never shared another email that I had with a moderator. There would have been no reason to do so.

I am unaware of any mods that have off board communications. But, really, so what if they are...they are posters like the rest of us. So long as they do not divulge that they are mods or talk about other posters...what's the difference.

Other email groups have the freedom to discuss what and who they want. That is their choice and should be their choice. I am the type of person that will say the same thing here as I would on email and on a private forum. I think most people are that way.

I guess the ones that know are the ones that figure it out. It really doesn't matter who they are though. I always assumed that ALL mods were posters at one time or another. Why else would they be here?

"I am the type of person that will say the same thing here as I would on email and on a private forum."

LOL, That's what I like about you, MEDC. It is a very safe feeling - you are a straight-shooter.

You're right. It doesn't matter. It would not have mattered AT ALL to ME...BUT, it was brought up in the discussion AS IF it was IMPORTANT and WE all would clearly know. I would think it's normal to be CURIOUS after reading that..I'm wondering, "Did I miss something?"

Just curious...

I didn't infer the same as you did, Mimi. Maybe I missed something. I don't believe other posters here know who the moderators are as posters.

I'm not sure they even know who each other are...though they communicate with each other.

Is that what you mean? That you inferred that the moderators know the other moderator's posting screen names? Or that non-mods know them?

I agree with you and Lexxy that not knowing who the moderators are, which leaves some posters maybe knowing and others not, over time, is uncomfortable. I don't think it's petty, either.

I restated how posters can contact moderators not because I assumed you didn't know, Mimi...it took someone else restating it a few times before I really understood that I didn't have to respond to a poster who I thought was disrespecting me...I could choose to not respond and go to the mod.

Reading your posts reminds me of what's in my control. My opinion being just my opinion. You example MB really well in my book, Mimi.

LA

YEP..EXACTLY!!

Nab,
FWIW, I believe alot of the vets(some of those you mentioned) are straight shooters and truth speakers. There are many difficult situations on this board where the truth isn't easy and it isn't easy on the ears. It can hurt. If the vets can't call something that looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, a DUCK, well WHY should they waste their time? They've been around long enough to see the real deal. They know when someone is trying to get around it. They just cut to the chase.

Adultery has to be battled. It's not always pretty. It can't be. It's evil.

No, learning.

Actually, I admitted in a previous post that I was a lousy writer. And ever since they got rid of the check your post thingy, I've gotten worse. I have no problem with my spelling pointed out.

Now, if its done CONSTANTLY, pointing it out is NOT FOR MY BENEFIT, but for the other poster's.

And, there is a HUGE diff in ragging about someone else's spelling and taking issue with a husband who's goal in life is to sit in bars and flirt with other women. That has GOT to be obvious.

Bad spelling doesn't make me or anyone else a loser. Saying something so selfish and insensitive (to THAT degree) makes you (the "husband", a loser)

If I am guilty of ONE thing, it is the frustration that MY WIFE hates me for things WAY LESS HIDEOUS than the things this bozo did. I have admitted in the past and I will again. I admire wifes who put up with A from their spouse as well as selfish immature treatment and STILL fight for their marriage. I just makes me feel that life is UNFAIR. That much I admit. And I admit that is colors my view of things. But, that is me and my point of view based on my experiences.

And thats fairly obvious with other posters also. I can tell, pretty accurately, with posters have been a victim of cheating by reading their posts. Everyones advice gets tainted by their own personal stuff.

But, as always, a well thought out post by you, Learning. AND from now on, I am gonna double check my spelling. I'll still suck big time, but it will be a bit better, I promise.

I've never been a particularly prolific poster, but I've been around MB for almost 10 years, starting out as Still Kickin', and then Sweetpea, and finally as Lady Clueless (because I'm married to Lord Clueless).

I don't come to MB nearly as much as I used to, primarily because I got tired of the "Thought Police" who spent most of the time stirring up arguments because of their trying to tell others how to post. The good advice that was generally being given to newbies was being overwhelmed by all the arguments over the feel-good, New Agey stuff that quite a few posters were insisting that others use in their postings.

For the record, my stance is this: If anyone believes that any of my posts violate TOS, feel free to report it to the mods. Otherwise, how I post is none of any other poster's business. By all means, if you disagree with any advice I may give, feel free to say so; but, I am an adult, and I do not need someone telling me what kinds of words to use and how to use them.

Oh, and Mimi...No, I do not know who any of the Mods are.

Nice...

I'd say it's a rare thing to see a real conflict between "straight-talking straight-shooting truth tellers" and "new-agey" people. All due respect to anybody who's been portrayed as either, but I find that representation just not accurate. But as someone who doesn't spend much time on these boards nowadays I'm sure there's a lot I've missed.

There are always one or two groups of "kewl kidz" who declare themselves a sort of Boomer militia and communicate offline in private email groups etc. about board-related stuff. I've seen a little of it and I don't think it's the end of the world, but honestly this behavior amounts to a violation of the TOS in spirit though not in letter.

And I have no idea how people find the time anyway. Cushy jobs I guess.

The mods have a tough job. IMHO there have been some cases where I thought it crossed the line into excess, and I disagreed with the editing and purpose for editing, yes. That's MHO, and I guess I'm entitled to it. They are the mods and entitled to edit the board. TOS, and I accepted the TOS as a member. I have to accept their decisions.

I would also say it has changed the boards to a more "politically correct" place, and I'm not so sure that is a good thing. Again, MHO. I don't know that in the long run, PC is supportive of marriages, because it trends to the idea that "it's all okay", when in reality - It Is Not All Okay.


Gaba,

I do agree with what you have said about the "vets". I miss reading many of their posts, and their guidance was valuable for me in my recovery - even when it was hard, harsh, or difficult to read.

I don't consider myself a vet, but I'm pretty much off the board.

Why did I reduce my posting?

Lots of reasons. Overall, the stress level here got pretty high, with a confluence of factors coming together which led to my "departure", not the least of which a troll whom I felt was supported by some board members, and some other off-board activity by a different member. Member in-fighting notwithstanding.

There was also the factor that I needed to reduce my time here in order to increase my time NOT THINKING about the affair. I needed to increase my mental health - my healing - and not thinking, not posting, not talking about the affair was cleansing for me. (Unfortunately, the first time I tried to do that, the troll took that moment to attempt to steal my username and pretend to be me, and stalk someone. I did not want to leave that behind, certainly that can be understood.)

Then, when the board was off-line for awhile, it gave me the opportunity to let it rest. And let myself rest.

I feel better now. Stronger, happier, refreshed.

Not so dependent on the board for support, and maybe in a better position to offer support to others.

But it is different now. Some believe that because I have contact off of this board with other members, that might make me "scary", or "unfair", or it makes them uncomfortable.

For me, that additional support gives me the luxury of support for the process of my husband's cancer recovery. A chance NOT to talk about affairs, a chance to offer people support who cannot post here (for example, maybe someone whose husband's OW has found this website), a chance to use some of my "hobbies" to help people with letters and emails that they may not want to post on this board. That "outside" friendship opportunity enables me to have a few moments a month to be embraced by a few people who can hug me (cyber-hug, anyway) when those cancer tests come back and freak me out, help me through the waiting time between test dates (for those of you reading right now, we have to wait until June.....June....June....for the next round of testing),

and it gives me the sense of connectedness to people with similar experiences in marriage who can understand the compounding factors of an affair, recovery, hope, pain, fluctuating emotions, and the mixture of day-to-day third-year-into-this-mess rebuilding our marriage hectic craziness that life brings us.

I need more than one circle of friends. One circle, MB, is needy. Another circle makes me laugh. Another circle gives me hugs. Another circle talks to me about neuropsychology. Another circle explores the connection between Buddhist thought and quantum physics (REALLY). The littlest circle of friends I have cannot talk to me, but they love me and greet me with real hugs, while smearing peanut butter on my shirt. That is not "scary". I cannot apologize for that. I think it is healthy.


So while my posts are cut down in number, they are more well-chosen. I choose carefully those people to whom I will reply.



I still read. I haven't "left". I'm just sitting in the peanut gallery more.

Oh, as for who the mods are? I think I have one poster linked to a username, but it would be my personal thought. Other than that, I have no personal or off-board knowledge of any moderators and their usernames. Or even if they are members and mods at the same time.

But I have wondered if JustUss is Miss America at times!

Schoolbus

I don't know who any of the moderators are in real life. Or, in unreal life.

I do know that I have e-mailed Justuss a few times and have always gotten a cordial, appropriate reply. For this, I am grateful.

I have notified moderators of posts which I thought were inappropriate. There have been times when I have seen results to that and times when I haven't. And that's fine.

I do know that, since the last update of the board, it seems like I have seen more 'police action'. I have thought some of it excessive but I can live with it.