He might given the right conditions. It is up to the both of you to make sure those conditions no longer exist.

Also, did you tell him of your suspicions and ask him if he had an affair?

I am trying, please ppl I am trying hard to deal with my own emotions so I can better help my H. I am sorry if nobody sees that I am, otherwise why would I be doing all this.

I never meant to switch the blame or make it seem that way I just have my fear beacuse of the seed planted in my head by my husband's comment on a revenge A. That is why I can't stop thinking about him and the others in the past.

No I'm not meaning to be defensive by any of this that I am writing now so PLEASE don't take it take way.

My H and I have talked alot about everything that happend and are trying together to get through all this, it just seems to me that more ppl are willing to help the BS get through everything than they are to help the WS. And I know that is most likely wrong but I am just voicing my feelings.

He says all they did was talk but I haven't told him about my suspicions. But the thought is still there. He has deleted his myspace account to help me with the thoughts, since the OW was a friend on his account. And because there is not other way for me to find out without him telling me it's hard because it is in the past. But maybe I should just leave it there. If he did have an A it doesn't change the fact that I had one. I'm trying to just push the past thoughts of what he MAY have done out of my head and deal with the now. I guess it's just going to take time for the both of us to deal with the thoughts.

Not true-but you wouldn't be the first new FWS here to say that-that perspective and defensiveness does lie in you-I know, cuz I was once where you are ...People here are on the side of MARRIAGES...Helping both the BS and the WS helps marriages...See you are the one HERE, so YOUR ACTIONS are the focus...You can only control you after all...

Stick around marinemom, no one here is out to get you...We are very glad that you are here and look forward to your continued participation!

Mrs. W

Thanks MrsW I understand that nobody here is trying to get to me and I am sorry that I over reacted. I can't take back the things I've said or done no matter how I wish I could but thanks again for not just giving up on me and trying to help me better understand.

You Bet!!! No Worries!!! It's a process...Try and give that JL character a chance if he makes it back to your thread though, ok?

And listen, when I first came here I tried to talk about Mr. W's pre-marital cheating, I got told in a hurry that that wasn't the issue, nor was it a marriage then...And they were right, I was trying to shove away some of my own blame-okay, A LOT of the blame...sheesh, most of it, alright? You likely don't even realize that that is what is going on right now...the brain can be great at rationalizing and justifying, yanno?

And about obsessing over his pre-marital cheating...Well, I believe that boils down to a CHOICE that you make...It becomes easier when you BOTH feel secure that your marriage has become a relationship of "EXTRAORDINARY CARE"...(Hint: that is what it is supposed to be and is a Harley phrase )

I really want you to focus on KNOWING that neither of you caused the other to cheat...Each of you CHOSE to do that, and YES, yours was more serious because of the vows that you made...That doesn't mean that you felt less hurt over the betrayal...I get that, I really do...But your husband has the OC to deal with in addition to the betrayal...That's a whole heck of a lot...Be very kind and patient with him...

Is he willing to read here and perhaps post? I think it would really help him...And I KNOW that when both partners are onboard with MB, recovery goes smoother...What do you think?

Mrs. W

I think he might, he was the first one on the site and that is how I came to find it. Now whether or not he has posted I'm not sure I'll ask if he would be willing to. Thanks

Marinemom,

I hope that you did go back and read my post to you as well as the others here. Mrs. W has been giving you good advice. And I think she and others have expressed to you clearly what we all see. You don't because you are in the middle of it.

You are worried about your H having a revenge affair. You fear he might leave. Both are valid concerns and self-fulling if you don't sort a few things out. You cannot help your H if you are defensive and you have taken many things said to you as attacks on YOUR behavior and thus on YOU. Further you have had a few years to bury and justify at least a little what you have chosen to do. Normal, very normal.

What you seem to have missed is what Mrs. W has mentioned. Affairs are decisions. They are YOU crossing your own moral boundaries. You don't think your H has worries that you might do so again???

So my "lecture" about marriage was for two purposes. One is to place into context what you have and will hear on this site. People take marriages very seriously here, but they do so with their eyes open as to their responsibilities in that marriage. You cannot control what your H decides to do. You can only control yourself.

The second reason was to see your response. Would you defend or would you engage me in a conversation about marriage from your point of view and how you would like to live your marriage from now on?

Your focus is on what your H will do after being told some very very devastating news. That is NOT your concern. I know it affects you, but you cannot make decisions for your H. What you can do, is learn, grow, and change your marriage. To some extent it sounds as if you have been changing your marriage and your H has been on board with these changes. That is excellent news.

However, that train got sidetracked or perhaps derailed by the news you have given him and the results of the DNA test. How do you get it on track. Well, marine, you do it with steely eyed determination. You do it with focus. You do it with a plan.

None of those things can be accomplished if fear is guiding you as it is now. None of it can be accomplished if your are defending yourself, rather than defending your marriage and your H.

You are not ready for a plan just yet. You are ready to start to see that the defensive posture you have taken has made your fears worse and rendered you less affective than you should be.

Your H is in this with you. He will have ups and downs. He will doubt himself more than you can ever imagine. When he is down it is YOU that will have to have the vision of a good marriage and life with your H. It is you that will have to help him. It is you that will have to partner with him to make this marriage more than it is right now.

You both are very very young. You don't even know what you don't know yet. But, of you both are on the fast track now, because you are facing some very hard things and you are here.

It is our goal to change your perspective about many things and that includes how you deal with your H. This is not about who is right or wrong. This is not about should you have a baby with OM. This is not about blame. At least from our end of things it is not. It is about helping you grow, mature, and with good luck and work by both you and your H, having a very good marriage that satisfies both of you.

You don't need help getting over your H's A's although I understand they bother you. You need help in forgiving him, just as he will need help in forgiving you. But, more than anything you need to consider building a marriage that satisfies and protects both of you.

Please think about it and start to ask question about things you can control, yourself.

God Bless,

JL

Marinemom - I hope you realise the GOLD in JL's and MrsW's words here.

JL I want to appoligize about my reaction to your post before after re-reading it with a more open mind and without being defensive it makes a lot of sense. I want to thank you for helping me and I want to thank everyone else for not just giving up on me and just saying I was a lost cause. I understand I was being too defensive and not thinking clearly and I am sorry. My H got on here and read the post and aked me why I thought I was being attacked and when I thought about it I couldn't really give a reason. So I got back on and re read the posts and could only think about how stupid I reacted to them.
I know I can't change the past and can't control if my H does have an A later but I can make sure I NEVER do again. I refuse to let myself fall that far again. My H and I have been reading Dr H's books and getting better and better by the day. We both agree that a professional dna test is a good idea and not just leave it at the mail in test that we had done already.
My H wasn't sure how to use the site so I'm going to teach him how to start tommorrow so you may see him on here as well. I hope you will all help him as you have been helping me. Again I am truely sorry for my outburst before and am going to start reading all the posts with an open mind and if I take them offensive at first my H has a way of saying it to me that makes me seem silly for thinking that way. So with your help and him I'm sure I will be able to stop with my such defensive nature. Again thanks to everyone for staying with me even after my outburst.

Marinemom,

Not that you needed to apologize, but I am sure all of us are happy to hear it. But, more happy that your H is going to join you here and that perhaps this will serve as step one toward a good marriage.

I strongly encourage you to go read Dr. Harley's articles on love busters. There is one that is particularly deadly because it is often not recognized. It is called the "disrespectful judgement", DJ for short. Why is it deadly? Well, a DJ is an assumption and worse it is an assumption we make about a loved one that we act on.

When you reflect on this particular thread do you see how your defensiveness lead you to make assumptions? Do you see how it could lead you to make assumptions about your H, your marriage, yourself? What you are seeing is what you will in the future address first when a new poster comes here and you seek to help them. You will address their defensiveness because until that is laid down, assumptions naturally follow that will make addressing real issues difficult.

You don't have to defend yourself here, actually you don't have to defend yourself to your H. Be open, be honest, be truthful, seek information from him and make sure he understands you are doing it so that you don't do him the dishonor of making an assumption about him that is not correct. If/when he comes here he will here the same thing about you.

You will find as your defensiveness dies, that it will be easier to learn and see what people are saying. It does not mean you have to agree to all or any of it. We all see the world a bit differently. As you see this, and given your experiences in Iraq I am sure you know this already, then it will be easier to see where your H is coming from on some issue: who does the dishes, who changes diapers, who does what.

All of us look forward to helping you and your H through this. It is our hope that you and your H will have a good marriage and a good life.

God Bless,

JL

Hello just wanted to just a heads up and let everyone know my husband just created an account and his display name is dro. Thanks for all the advice and hope you will do the same for him.

Hi Marinemom & Dro - Welcome to MB! You're getting some great advice from some of the best...

Semper Fi,

RIF

I only have one other suggestion based on the other thread you created about an additional site test for DNA.

If it turns out that your son is really the offspring of the OM, then you need to see counsel in the special section of this web site that is set aside specifically for that purpose. So does your husband.

You did mention that "other race" might be a factor. Okay, that opens up another can of worms in addition to the OC factor itself. Er, I refuse to be PC when dealing with reality. . .

DRO, welcome. I have just one thing to say; being a dad is special no matter who the biological father is. When I married my wife, she already had two kids. I have raised those kids and consider them my own. We have our own kid and are trying to make another one. My biological kid gets no more or no less from me than the other two.

Sweet revenge to balance the maggot in your mind is the simple fact you have the opportunity to make the second most important contribution to the boy's life that can be made, second only to his mother's. Think about it. Being able to tell him one day that he is your son no matter who made him could be one of the finest moments in your life and his...

Think about it.

Larry

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