Ok did something stupid(not the first time). WH left his car in my driveway to borrow my van to move stuff with the kids. So I searched his car for evidence of OW...didn't find anything but didn't get to the trunk either. Why do I torture myself?

Why do I dream about WH every single darn night?

Because you're not really in plan B?

Kag, more importantly: WHY did your WAYWARD husband who KNOWS what it takes to COME HOME to you BORROW your anything?? Are you two friends? Ol chums? Do you want to go to Plan B someday?

Please don't yell at me...I am dying here. I searched his car some more and found all the blanking love notes she wrote to him while we were in false recovery.

I think I needed that kick in the head to act more firmly.

Should I tell him to remove all his stuff from the garage and attic? He still has bikes and what not....

I am also feeling less badly for him when he gets his butt kicked in this divorce, I was getting cold feet about filing.

Uh huh, just like your H expected! Score!

C'mon Kag...

15 months!!!!
Friends and family support is vital during these tough months.I was able to see that it was possible to have a life without WH in it.I have been with WH since I was 15 so he was a HUGE part of who I was...now I have to step out and just be me on my own..and its not as awful as you think it will be.

Life goes on ..and when I literally decided to take it one day at a time the panic and confusion disappeared..I was a person that had to be in control always and know where I was going in life.Its scary when you don't have this control at first but you soon realise life just goes on regardless....

I use to get irritated when people told me "it will get better" but it does...its just a pity we can't fast forward to that stage....
Hang in there,vent here when you want to scream at WH!!!!

It seems like I get slammed when I do that. Am I supposed to be quietly waiting in plan B until he either wakes up or I forget about him? The emotions are killing me. I feel like I have been run over by a train. I am so angry and hurt and can't see straight.

Reading the letters from OW was almost funny if I wasn't screaming and crying while reading them. They are like a teenager, writing their first love notes. She must of wrote him DAILY even when he was supposed to be NC. I am SOOOOO PISSED OFF.

I want to get revenge on her somehow. Copy the file and mail it to her work colleagues? Put them on my space? U-tube? I think I deserve to fight back a little. I have taken so much SH@T from the both of them.

I have decided to have WH served by the sheriff instead of a letter from attorney warning him that he will be served. I need to get one slap in and then I will be done. Something to stand up for myself. I don't care if he is fogged in, it doesn't mean he doesn't deserve some crap back.

I will not roll over and play dead. I see where I have not plan B'd it enough, thought I was. I think after filing I will be able to be firmer in boundaries...like no you can't use my car.

He knows technically he has every legal right to it...his name is on it too. He knows I don't have a legal foot to keep him out of the house OR from him leaving the state with my kids.

HOW DO I KEEP THE LUNATIC OW AWAY FROM MY KIDS???????????? She is the worst mother, having an affair when she has a 1 year old at home. Working full time and only have 50% custody of a 1 year old and a 3 year old...how many hours does she see them a week when they are awake 6? Her parents are divorced so she has been trying to convince my WH, soon to be XH, that the kids will be fine.....look at her HA HA HA. Her letters reveal she is a selfish, immature, nut job! I don't want my kids near her.

I am going over to take pictures of the dive my WH is living in to argue it is to much of a dump for them to stay there. Everyone says he got it as a charade to keep the kids there and in the meantime lives with OW.

Aren't fogged out WS terrible for children???????

What is interesting is that after freaking out over the letters....which I still have. My attitude was you can have him b@tch but don't come near my kids. I mean it isn't like he walks on water for g@d's sake. I think she does love him more than I do or could. I can not go on and on about how perfect and wonderful and I can't sleep without you etc.....That isn't even real. They think they are some unique spiritual love plain different from everyone else. (quoted)

Kag believe it or not I have been EXACTLY where you are.OP in my case is into aura readings etc..and told WH that they were in a previous life together.Don't get me wrong I have delved in the new age beliefs myself and WH wasn't into it..but now he believes it!!They went to a psychic together many times...

Don't let them have POWER over you...they are controling your emotions,don't let them.Keep telling yourself you will be better off in the long run EMOTIONALLY..cos you will...the fantasy will crumble..WH can't run away from himself forever...

Try become stronger so you can deal with him when he wants to come back..or if you divorce..
Remember your kids will always admire and respect you for how you dealt with their fathers terrible behaviour towards their mother...granted they are young but they will ALWAYS remember this time in their lives.You will have their love forever...and thats priceless..
In the long run you are the winner not WH.God won't allow it his sins will catch him up in my opinion....
Let God take revenge not you.Don't let this situation bring out the worst in you..keep your dignity...say what you want to do to them here!!!I won't fault you,you have every right to say how you feel...as long as you don't engage WH or OP..COS THEN YOU WILL COME OFF SECOND BEST...

I'm going out know with friends for pizza and drinks!!!Will have one for you!!!
Let WH see you happy even if you dying inside...thats the best revenge..

Depending what time I get home tonight I will check back with you ok...vent,vent and vent!!!!!!!
Its 3pm here...gonna be a long night!!ha,ha

Hope,

Thanks for checking on me. I am actually getting nervous of what WH is going to do when he finds his file gone. Of course I will deny everything but yikes could get ugly.

The letters she wrote were like a grade school girl, unbelievable.

My father and I have actually thought about trying to buy off WH to leave town and never return! But OW would have to go as well.

I am counting the days to May 5th when the papers are served.

Right now he comes and goes as he pleases into the garage! I can tell to get out but it doesn't do any good...he does as he pleases. After D I will insist he move all his sh@t out and not to step foot on my property again!

Now he is all around town with OW, I get to hear reports of the outings. BARF!!!!!!!!!

I no longer feel bad about how he is going to get screwed financially. As I toured around Boston with my kiddos while he was back at work, I thought this isn't too bad....he can go to work and I will enjoy myself with the kids on his money.

I tend to be new agey/spiritual myself but they are totally using it to justify and excuse their disgusting behavior.

I do feel like I found that file for a reason....a big kick in the pants to keep moving forward and stop feeling sorry for myself and worrying about WH getting by without me. I took care of him for 20 years, handled the money, the house, the kids, all the incredible needs of my son, the needs of my older son....I was the rock that everyone relied on.

Also this is the first time in my life I have had to reach out to others for support. When I first found the file I was hysterical, my best friend came over, my cousin talked me down and my brother drove 2 hours to be with me. There is a huge lesson there for me to ask for help and lean on people when needed.

Kag, I am SO happy to hear this. Having a good support system is so important, and it sounds like you've got plenty of people who care and will help. Good for you for reaching out, I know it's not easy to do.

Julie,

Thanks for not getting on my case for snooping and reading AND doing myself in. I am my own worse enemy....but I think it was a gift cuz I was starting to hang out by that great river in Egypt(DENIAL). :eek:

Weirdness continues....first finding the file, made at least 4 copies, don't know what I am going to do with them yet. They make her really look ridiculous so I am actually feeling a little better about them. I have been the solid, dependable, sane one through all this.....she is a lunatic.

Second weirdness, my intermediary let through WH is thinking about reconciliation again....he was feeling me out. WH claims he hasn't been involved with OW while seperated but we both think he is lying to her(the IM) now and trying to verify. Anyway she told him, again, what it would take....leave the job, see Steve, the NC letter...etc. BUT even with those things how could I EVER trust him again. The NC letter didn't mean sh@t the first time, she wrote him letters daily, then they con't phone, then lunches etc....So I was duped twice!!!!!!

How does anyone EVER try again after a false recovery....I am TRYING to recover myself and keep getting thrown for a loop.

This soap opera is really getting old. I guess when I get to the point of indifference it ends.

It will be interesting when WH receives his papers in May..It sounds like he will be totally surprised.
Hopefully it will wake him up.

When you go through something as traumatic as this,you really get to see who your true friends are...I wouldn't have made it this far without my friends and family...

Hang in there,you doing great,just remember this is TYPICAL WH behaviour...he's following the script!!

Yes my brother and my cousins husband were like....STAY THE COURSE! I think they would tie me up and put me in a closet if I considered speaking to him.

So these WSs have to prove themselves to the BS PLUS friends and family, seems unsurmountable?

Reread the letters last night and actually started to doze off, so repetitive and pathetic. I am just not the type of person to beg for that long. I felt out my element doing plan A! Huge swallow of pride. At least he did take note of my efforts right before I kicked him out for Plan B.

Funny part OW starts getting annoyed with him on the fence between her and me....maybe we could bond over that? Then I started thinking well maybe she does love him more than I do, maybe they DO need to be together? The thing I will fight tooth and nail is NC from OW with my kids. I will fight dirty if I have to, I still believe she is an unstable lunatic and a terrible mother and will have NO contact with MY kids.

So I am going to get together with my girlfriends and the file and drink wine and eat chocolate and make fun of OW. I need to get a little revenge don't I?

Kag:

I glad you are finally seeing the fruits of your "plan"

Because three days after the divorce decree is signed, and probably well before that Final date, the OW will be spending ALOT of time with your children.

Why?

Because he is divorced, can do what he wants, and your not going to be able to cut him out of your boys life.

HE will get his every other weekend and two nights a week or whatever legal methods you use to minimize his participation in his children life. And when the boys are with him on those days, there is nothing you can do about it. Just like there will be nothing that he can do about the time they are spending with you.

You will win, but you lost.

Sure, you can soak him in the settlement. But he WILL get access to his kids, and he WILL bring them around the OW.

SO make a choice.

Suck it up and decide that FIXING this marriage, and FIXING you, and accepting that HE might NOT change, is a better strategy than the future (which you already KNOW is going to look like) holds.

Does he want to reconcile? Maybe.
Is Plan B painful to Him? Maybe.
Will you go through a False Recovery, again? Maybe.
Will he spend time with OW and the boys as a new "brady bunch"? Definately.
Will the emotional toil and tear on your heart and your life be worse in a long, dragged out custody and divorce case? Yes.

Your right, you don't have to beg for that long. You don't have to beg at all. Nowhere in the Harley plans does it ask you to BEG. They just ask you to become a better wife. And how to do that without compromising yourself. And if your not willing to do this, then accept the inevitable. OW going to the zoo with your children every other weekend.

Your husband's A isn't that special. Your particular circumstances aren't that special. It's just another affair. That IS destroying everything in its path. Your life, your childrens life as they knew it, and the future you may have hoped for. But you have to decide on the outcome you want. And then start fighting for that.

LG

Good post, LG.

Kag, can you throw those letters away? Or at least put them somewhere VERY safe & VERY secluded so that you don't bump into them?

I'm glad you're feeling better but I worry how much power you are giving your WH & this OW. Reading those letters serves you NO purpose - whereas picking up a good book on being the best GODDESS you can be will. Imagine your boys are in bed, you're up reading on the couch, and one of them comes in to ask you a question they'd forgotten to ask. What do you want to be holding in your hand when he says, "whatcha reading, mom?"

There is SO MUCH you CAN control, like getting the papers filed & then carrying on, that I hate to see you wrapped up in what you CANNOT control. I think going out w/girlfriends is a GREAT idea, but personally, I cannot see the point in letting OW join you!?

My boys are 18 and 15.OP's boys are 12,14,16.Because they are over 12 by law here the kids can decide where they want to be.I n the beginning they all got on well...DS18 said its not the kids fault mom..they are good kids...I used to cry my eyes out every 2nd weekend.I called them the brady bunch!I felt as though OP had stole my whole family.DS15 even did the 1 week with dad 1 week with mom.It killed me...I would see OP pick him up from school in WH's car when I fetched my other son.Talk about torture.They went on holiday together..killed me..to a place we went to as a family.


Anyway,DS 15 stopped going there 1 week at a time after about 3 months..OP got on his nerves..Now 15 months down the line her kids annoy mine at times and things aren't so hunky dorey.If my boys want to be with friends on their dads weekend they go to their friends..dad comes second..

What I'm trying to show you is that the kids have to see for themselves and experience the emotions as hard as that is for us as mom to see.If you don't let them go they will hold it against you.Kids aren't stupid..
In my case my boys see when WH has bought her boys things and not them..it breaks my heart but this is between dad and the boys...you can't interfere.
Trying to talk to a WH about these issues is fruitless.

6 months into the affair OP phoned my kids on their cellphones and wanted them to spend the night to surprise WH as it was his birthday..they wanted to go...I couldn't say no...That night they sat my boys down and told them they wanted to sell my house and buy another house for themselves and that they were welcome to live with WH and OP permanently...It was OP's house that she had to sell cos of debt when she was married!!So sneaky...they had to move fast on the house..WH didn't know that he couldn't sell our house untill we were divorced!!IDIOT.OP is so scaniving and he can't see it.He deserves everything that comes his way.My boys were horrified and refused to live with them.

As much as we as BS 's have to go through stages in this traumatic time so do the kids unfortunately...My DS15 was obsessed about splitting himself in half between mom and dad.He said he just wanted to be fair to both of us...now he has been hurt terribly by WH who doesn't realise it...and WH will never recoupe what he has lost and that is so sad.ITS OUT OF OUR CONTROL.How WH can live with himself when he comes out of this I don't know.
Sorry To go on so long Kag, but its vital you understand this...I always said if I had girls they wouldn't have gone to their dad.Boys need to be with their dad even if they are WH.As much as you want to protect them if they insist on going you must let them.Don't know what the laws are like in USA with regards to kids.
Always remember the boys will look to you for stability and love something a WH can't give right now..you are their ROCK.
Your house will always be their home.

So what the f@ck am I supposed to do. He wants someone that worships the ground he walks on, he wants to be a teenager again, he doesn't want the responsibility of a family or house.

I have to protect myself and my kids. The attorneys tell me right now he could leave the country with them and I can't do a thing. He can come and go in my house and I can't do a thing.

SH recommends divorce. I am holding a card in my back pocket that I will threaten to play in order to keep OW from my kids. Or I will buy him off if I have to. I will do whatever it takes to keep her away from them....and I have the backing to do it. The lawyers tell me the judge is going to side with me, especially given my son's special needs.

My kids come first period. I am losing my love for him over the period of plan B isn't that what it there for?

I can't sit in plan B indefinetly with no legal protection, that is just going to hurt me and my kids and Steve agrees.

I think kids can choose at age 12 here as well. The irony is that WH's cousin went through the same thing. Her XH left her for his secretary(classic) and the kids don't want anything to do with him or her. Her daughter refuses to see either of them and goes before the judge soon to get out of visitation.

I have no problem with my boys spending time with WH, although WH doesn't know all the ins and outs of youngest with special needs. I just will die fighting to keep the lunatic OW away from them. Actually I think after she spends a weekend with them she will run away They are a huge handful and she is only used to sweeet little baby girls.

So I file, get temp. orders that establish custody and child support and alimony and drag out proceedings so I can refuse visitation with WH if OW is present until WH screams uncle and agrees to my terms. My brother is a lawyer, my neighbor is the best divorce lawyer in town....so I have plenty of legal tricks up my sleave.

Focusing on OW helps me move forward with plans for D. Otherwise I go into some weird state of denial....that couldn't of happened could it????? I need someone to shake me by the shoulders and say wake up this is really happening and you need to take some action to protect yourself and your kids.

I definetly feel for you. The first weekend WH took the kids I was devestated. "not only do you screw me you take my kids as well" How can I ever forgive that?