The same goes in turn for women who are not willing to "put out" until the commitment has been made.

Sex messes up a relationship unless it is held in high regards for marriage only!

Huh? I'm sorry, I don't intend to be obtuse, but I don't understand how my comments correlate with women and sex. Can you please explain? AFAIK, no one has even brought up sex in this thread.

Sea, I've known for a long time that my x said that to get to me to rationale his behavior in going back to the HS GF. I am loud and a pushy person though in alot of areas of my life and this is one that I've just kind of decided to play lower. Hard to explain.

Friends xw left him when he came back from a deployment, sounds like she might of cheated before. I did know her. So I know there is some insecurity left from that. He has dated some since then, 3 that I know of, none that he has ever introduced me to though, after the first two break ups he has shown up back on my doorstep to tell me about it. The last break up is the chick that was still hanging all over him this weekend did not introduce me to her either though, he didn't tell me about breaking up with her, told my daughter and his buddy told me. I have not dated, in the last 7 years, hasn't been anyone that has been interested in me or wanting to jump into the family mess that I have. See my sig line. To add to that my parents live across the street from me! We do know alot of the others history and that may be a scare factor for him. I also get to collect half of my ex's retirement pay, he will retire as an E-9, the friend has to give half of his to his x and he was an E-7, there has always been some stress with that for us. I deserve mine as my ex walked out and his doesn't as she walked out!!!

My kids and grandkids all know the friend and love him, he has been around since we moved here. They talk or text constantly. He has two boys, the younger is like a son to me!! My daughter and him treat each other like siblings anyways!!

How do I make him feel more secure? I am not sure, I offered to play tour guide with his parents today, texted this morning to find our what time we could leave and I got back "I'll do it." Not asked if I would want to go along, knows that I have the grand boys on Sunday though. Asked if they wanted to do a cook out, no response. I am genuinely a giving person and do things for people just cause. He gets cookies randomly. There is a lot this week yet. Big changes in his life with this retirement and having to find a job. I will give it a little while with no pressure or presence of me. He has a motorcycle and will probably spend alot of time on it. Relaxing after the parents leave. I have only went once, was a little scared, and he asked if I trusted him and very easily I said yes, but haven't been offered another ride.

So Sea with all that what would make you feel secure?

I didn't see it as losing me as a friend if the relationship didn't work out as you said. I don't think that it would, I think we would know in a month or two if romanticly it's going to fly or not and if not we'd be able to go back to the friendship.

Anyways, my daughter and friends are watching movies and want ice cream so I said that I would make a run for it!!!

Dawn

day - I read this last night I've spent some time pondering. Is there some way that you could assure him that the friendship would remain in tact if you both decided to try for something more? Call it your fall-back position or something?

Michelle,

You will get your wish and I do have some general observations of my own.

I am 48. Re-entering the dating world is like going back to high school. It is ridiculous. Seabird and I have discussed the open and honest approach quite a bit and frankly I have never met a woman that could be open and honest from the get-go (let me qualify that to say a woman that I've actually dated as I know one woman who I've not dated that was open and honest from the get-go and you know who you are!). I'm sure they're out there, I haven't met them. Open and honest is all about good communication. when you're wondering if he likes you well enough to date and he's wondering the same about you, then good communication is not happening for either of you. Your DD seems to have a clue about the direct approach. Some guys can handle that and others can't. You might be able to judge by the strength of his personality with my thesis that the stronger the personality the more direct approach will be acceptable.

I find the majority of the women of my demographic are passive hot-house flowers. It's not your fault, nature and nurture are working against you. There is no reason that you cannot be more aggressive, more daring, and actually pursue the man or express an undeniable level of interest that he can't ignore.

When someone says that they don't want to ruin a friendship by advancing it into a romance, they're either scared and insecure or not really interested.

If you can't bring yourself to do this, bribe your DD to do it for you!

hey booka, good to "see" you dropping by!
excellent advice as always.

and i am sure that person knows who they are...

you're getting good advice girl!

mlhb

Thank you all so much for the thoughts and words of advice!!!

There are so many things that Kev and I are honest about it. I have heard how he talks about some of the women that flaunt themselves at him and didn't want to fall into that category.

I don't think that I liked him at first, besides the fact that he was married. This is something that has come over time.

About 2 years ago we were probably headed in the right direction, and then someone kind of got in the way. Again I was who he called, asked if I was going to say that I told him so, told him nope that I didn't need to!!

Anyways, when things have settled down this next week or in two weeks, my big mouth daughter is moving to ARK with my 3 grandsons and I am not handling this well and Kev knows that and knows that I am going to need my friends. I will invite him for dinner or to go bowling which is something we've done together for ever, with the invite saying so that we can talk, that I am not all sure what was said and not said, but that it's about time that we said those things to each other and not through different parties.

My thought is to ask if he feels that there might be some feelings there that we may want to explore and what we might do about those feelings if it's just there, can we go back to the friendship.

After all this time of not dating there is a guy online that I have been chatting with for awhile that has asked if we can meet, why know I ask!!!!!

So let me know what you think of my plan? Thoughts or things that I need to say!!

Dawn

Ok, haven't seen nor heard from friend this week at all. This morning I texted, "Have you seen my friend?" I got back "I think I am going back to work! I had more free time when I was working."

Then I sent "I miss my friend."

I got "Thanks for the chair. I don't know how long it was in back of the truck, couple days I'm thinking."

I sent "Your welcome friend-figured you knew who left it-2 many people!

I ended up calling him later, asked he had a minute that I needed to yell, scream and vent and I thought of him. Gee thanks he said.

My big mouth daughter did something really stupid last night and is causing alot of problems, we've always talked about kids and so talked for close to half an hour.

I am feeling ok about it all, we still need to talk, but right this moment isn't the time, told him that he knew where I was nightly and that I needed my basket back. So will broach the subject at that time, if theren't grandkids still up at that time!!

Hope all are having a good weekend.

Got to lay in bed and read a book this morning, will do normal Sunday stuff tomorrow and MOnday will go to the national cemetary and have everyone here for a cook out afterwards.

Dawn

Hmmm... I've been thinking for a while about how to respond to your original post on this thread. The ensuing messages helped see this a little more clearly (at least as much as we can "see" these things over the web).

Here is the bottom line: it sounds like you are sending "mixed messages". If a woman (with your previously expressed feelings as stated here on MB but not shared openly with your "friend") sent me the message "I miss my friend", I might interpret it far differently than it was intended.

For example, I might interpret it as yet another little "signal" that -- while we have a really special connection with each other -- you do not want to be anything more than a "friend" with me. In other words, you are trying to tell me that you just want to be "friends" and nothing more, but like so many women you are simply afraid to be really direct with me about really important emotional/relational stuff between us.

Now, you might not intend for him to receive that message, but that is one (of many) possible (mis)interpretations. These mixed messages might be one of the main reasons why he is fairly unresponsive to your compliments.

You see, over time many of us (men) learn that one strategy for staying out of trouble with the fairer sex is to say as little as poossible. This coping strategy comes about as a result of countless misinterpretations of our own clumsy past attempts at communicating desire/interest or other emotionally-charged messages.

Just be direct. No one lives forever...

Hope that helps!
LiesRedux

I get what you are saying! And yes I am chicken!!! I am working on that!!! He was here yesterday and ended up in a watergun fight with my mom and grandkids.

I have every intentions of talking with him this week and seeing where we want to go, I figure this way if we chose not to go forward with anything romantic. Then I am giving us the option of staying friends. Give me some suggestions as to what I might say that allows us both some dignity?

Someone did call while he was here yesterday, he ignored the call a couple of times and finally took it and walked out of the room. My friend heard him say I am at Dawn's, the conversation didn't last much longer. Never did say who called and then the watergun fight broke out!!

Dawn

How about saying something like this:

-------------

Hey, we've known each other for a good while now. I really enjoy our time together and always want to see that continue. Lately, it's crossed my mind that it might be possible for us to add some new dimensions to our relationship. I wanted to toss this out as an idea and see if you had any interest in exploring this with me. We could just take things one step at a time and if either one of us decided we didn't want to go any farther, we could just say "let's stop exploring and continue our present relationship." Here's a first step in this new direction: as a starting point, would you be interested in going to XYZ restaurant for a dinner this Wednesday -- just the two of us? Just dinner for now and let's see how that turns out.

-------------

The essence of this is to maintain dignity and respect for both of you while still opening the door to the possibility to something else/more. It also says that you want to keep a connection no matter what happens with these new explorations.

Hope that helps!

P.S. Be sure to help calibrate expectations on casual attire for the dinner. Don't get too formal/fancy or carried away at this point. You can work your way up to "date clothes" and sexy perfume, etc. in the future.

Lies,

Thank YOu for the suggestion!!!!

Am not sure when we will have the opportunity to talk. I have my grandkids for the next 2 weeks.

Dawn