I am thinking that with any LTA there have to be a number of other people who know about the A. I was even thinking of asking my sisters if they ever suspected anything. But right now I have no proof so it would be disloyal to bring it up with them I guess.

But here's my question, don't you think that other people you know almost always either know about an A of any duration or at least strongly suspect it?

In my case, a close friend who I would tell her my WH had a lot of unaccountable time was convinced he was having an affair. I laughed it off because I trusted him blindly and would NEVER believe he would cheat.

There was that one friend who he remains in contact with, who pretty much knew he was having an affair because there were times that WH was supposed to be at his house, and I would go over there to surprise him and he wasn't there. He never said anything to me until after D-day.

QNL - I think that some people can just see it when the rest of us can't. I was wearing blinders and might not even have believed it if they told me. There are probably big risks for people to tell you something like that. Now, however, even though I don't have proof, it makes sense. Like a scientific hypothesis, the A scenario does a better job explaining everything that happened than if there was no A. It's like one of those pictures with another picture hidden inside of it. Once you see it, you can never look at it again the same way.

I have since found out that a lot of people at his work knew but no one told me. I wish they would have.

I saw my cousin's husband in a park one time with his OW and i immediately called my cousin and told her to get to this particualr park, she wanted to know why and i just told her to get there and get there now. She busted him and they have since divorced (seems he had been with this OW for 16 out of the 25 years they were married).

Without a doubt, yes.

MIM - Any ideas about how to get people to tell you about it?

If it is important to you to find out, just ask. Strike up a conversation, turn it to family issues, and then ask "Did you know about my W's A with the OM?".

I live in a small community, so I suspect that my FWW's former boss and my parents are amongst the (probably large by now) group that know about the A, though I suspect that they are not privy to much of the details. I hasn't been important to me though to know that they know, so I've never really asked.

What's a LOT more important to me is if my FWW has been truthful about all of the details of her A, and any other parts of her life that used to be hidden from me. So most of my A-related questions are usually directed at her.

I'm sure WSTBX & OW's work colleagues knew but I will never ask them. They are lowly scumbags as well and theirs isn't the first A to ruin a M at that workplace. I doubt any LTA is ever discovered first by the BS. Years before this happened to me, I was hit on fairly agressively at a party by a former classmate's fiance. I thought perhaps he was drunk and mentioned it to another friend (former classmate's best friend) who told me he did this all the time and if she knew about it she would never marry him. Well, she did marry him. I didn't stay in touch so I don't know how it worked out. But I never said a thing and neither did her best friend or any other woman that he hit on. The reason I didn't say anything is because I didn't feel like I knew either one of them well enough to interfere. I think a lot of people might feel this way. I don't know why her friend never told her. If it happened today I'd say something immediately.

Of my xWW her co-workers all knew, and her friends, not our friends but her friends. Friends that were quickly jettisoned when the fog clears for being sleazy, but she needed them to encourage her at the time.

I've been in the position of knowing of an A before the BS. Happened my best friend about 6 years ago. I knew of a pre-M infidelity but had no hard evidence. I told him and was not believed. After they were married I learned again of cheating by his now wife, but I didn't go to him with it after the reaction I got the first time. He found out the hard way shortly after. She wasn't even really trying to hide it. Very sad.

MIM - I just suspect an affair - probably a LTA - and have no hard proof. A lot of circumstantial evidence and some strong gut feelings - together with her anger and defensiveness when I asked her about it. I think that whatever it was is over now, but I just can't get right about my feelings about it. That's why I am trying to figure out ways to find out the truth.

cipher - yes it's very sad and sometimes I am struck with the question of why we are doing these things to each other. It's such a waste! Once the A starts, all the emotional and sexual energy gets channeled away from the BS, who instead gets all the negative projections needed to justify the A. I hope that we (as a society) are able to get better at this so my children do not have to endure the same pain in their marriages some day.

Yes, my wife had enablers and cheerleaders.

Pariah - Sorry about your situation. That totally s**ks. I'm still in contact with W's former co-workers who are female. Is there any way to bring up this subject without totally freaking them out,having them call W, etc.?

My FWH had become cold and distant. He had erected a wall between us so high that I couldn't even see over it. There had been no "problems" between us and I had no idea what I had done. After all this, I got a call one day from a man who told me to keep an eye on my h because he was "messing with more than the merchandise" and I still never even considered the possibility of an affair until I stumbled over sexually explicit texts several weeks later.
I guess that is why most people do not tell a BS if they suspect or even know about their cheating spouse.
Say

We had some former friends that knew, or at least knew enough. I will no longer associate with them and have expressed my feelings about them in no uncertain terms. These were people that I at one time or another sought advice from, people that could have revealed the truth to me but chose not to. My wife has not associated with them other than email contact since d-day.

everyone knew but me. it is a small town. so nice that the "mutual" friends we supposedly shared let me know about it. when i called them to answer questions for me all i got was " he knew we did not approve of his behavior" and i was like "why the h*ll did ANYONE tell me what was going on? didn't i have a RIGHT to know?" i was p*ssed. even ow's h never told me until it was over between them (at least back then. they are living together now) i was like "owh, why didn't you tell me WHEN IT WAS GOING ON? I COULD HAVE PROBABLY HELPED TO END IT AND MAYBE YOU COULD HAVE SALVAGED YOUR MARRIAGE"

i don't get it. everyone knew and NO ONE thought to tell me.
real nice.

mlhb

mlhb - I don't what people are thinking. Maybe they think you would rather look the other way. Only someone who has never been through this would think that.

Tyk - when I click on your post or pre dday links I get a "page not found" Just FYI. It is a shame that your pain was prolonged by people you had taken into your confidence. It just adds to the blow.

As did mine. Maybe not so much enablers, but she had at least one cheerleader and a couple of other people related to OM knew about the A.

My guess is that these cheerleaders are usually women who are wayward themselves who are trying to get someone to party with? Is this correct? My W's only longterm friends are divorced women who are not marriage-friendly.