Hi Lotsof hope,<BR>Thanks for you response…<P>As I wrote earlier, the excitement of an affair can seem so much better than the committed one …..and when there are no responsibilities it is easy to see why…..as soon as responsibilities get added again to the OM and W if they decide to commit together all the same things return to that relationship that were present in the previous ones, so and affair is no solution and I think your W knows this deep down…<P>Your discovery of this is still new and raw…grieving must be allowed to take its course…you need time for this to cry your tears of pain and hurt…to cry your tears of anger and resentment…cry your tears of loss and heartbreak..tears of self pity all necessary for your emotional health and well being…...then when you have done it all stop!!!! <P>This is important!!...lots of people in here get stuck in the drama of it and dont want to come out of it and heal, they can get addicted to the drama of it all, getting as much attention and strokes from the compassion and giving of others...this is not a criticism or a shot at them or anyone... nor to say dont come in here and express or anything...their pain is real to them but the decision must be made for it to stop for them to go on to become happy...and it is really only a decision to stop...<P>Once the grieving process has been allowed its course…healing can begin….building your own self esteem etc…<BR>Dont be too hard on yourself...be gentle with you...fill your mind and busy yourself with other things to ease your pain...and let time play its part...be patient and allow her a little space to get it together too..my best wishes and energy go to you…God Bless…<P><BR>Distrusting,<P>Thank you for your question…in my case we did things as a family when I had time to…...I was very busy, out of the State a lot..and attending to dealers around our own large State also and seeing clients late meetings etc as was my job kept me away from home a lot...<P>My W also kept the kids away from me thinking she was supporting me in my work…she did this out of love and care.. I was unaware of this until therapy…..<P>I think its important to grow up with your kids too, and I missed out on a lot of that , but making up for it with my grandkids now.. <P>Until your H realises he will not have another chance to be involved in his kids growth and development he will remain blind…. until he gets a nudge….!! A kick…!!be creative…. women are very good at this …use your intuition to get to him.. good luck…<P>Willbok99,<P>Good to see you are well on the way to recovery of self..you are right!! You are worthy...you are o...you are worth loving...you do deserve more...you are good enough...and as you have already discovered inner strength is one of the rewards of the infidelity experience, there are lots lots more that you will continue to discover and claim as time goes by...cheers <P><BR>CL,<P>Thanks...were you able to get hold of any of the Kryon books I mentioned to you in my last mail..? they are life changing, and very nineties..but difficult to get in some places I believe...best wishes.. <P><BR>BlindSided<P>You are absolutely right in my book...we can love many peope and do all the time...our kids our friends our loved ones...many many ppl …...and we treat them all differently according to what we hold dear and believe is appropriate..<BR>We are responsible for our feelings thoughts and actions..and take the consequences of them all...sometimes we try to blame others or things outside of ourselves for how we think...<P>In your case it comes down to choice and honour, care, love and compassion...<BR>example:<BR>if your friendship with this other lady causes anguish distress hurt and pain for your wife that she is unable to come to terms with, and is continuously unhappy because of her inability to deal with her deeply held insecurities,.... then it becomes a matter for you to consider if this friendship is worth the trauma your wife is going thru...after all your wife is the one you love the most is she not..?<P>We all have a life to lead that is separate to others no matter how close we are to them, however we follow our heart in the end...<P>I am faced with exactly this problem right now, only in reverse...my W has a friend...they are very close say they love each other as friends only, and share many things in spiritual and personal growth, (she shares with me too) they go to many of the same courses etc and communicate by email about 2 or 3 times a week and sometimes have lunch together...I feel uncomfortable about this relationship although I trust her implicitly, I dont trust him or his motives, he is not interested in me as a friend although we have done some of the same courses together...they have been friends for about 3 years now...<P>Last week she wanted to end the friendship with him because of how I felt...<BR>I asked her not to end it on my behalf because I understood that these were my feelings of insecurity and if I dealt with them within myself then I would never be bothered by them again, but if she stopped because of those feelings and not because she wanted to, although I would have felt better... I would still have the problem waiting for the next friend she has that I feel uncomfortable with, I would not have dealt with the problem at all....and she may end up resenting me for it causing distance between us....does that make sense..? She still has the choice....<P>It does take a lot of understanding and courage to deal with this the way I am, so am not saying it is for everyone ,only sharing it...<P>Good luck and thanks for sharing, I learn from you too and am interested to hear your comments, thanks<P>cossie ..<P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....<P><p>[This message has been edited by cossie (edited October 17, 1999).]

LotsofHope,<P>Her willingness to stay and work things out is all the reassurance you need. Stop right there, don't seek one more morsel of her approval or affirmation of you.<P>You are in a very good situation (at the moment), all you have to do is not blow it. Yearning for her to say things to lift your spirits is natural, but needing it so badly will drive her away.<P>Being needy will eventually push away a wife who is willing to work things out. You will lose her unless you cool it somehow and quit needing so much from her.<P>The best thing to do is to DO things for her and NOT get credit for it. Clean the bathroom, tape her favorite TV show, warm up the car in the morning but DO NOT draw attention to your hard work so you can get praise and appreciation from her.<P>Focus on not being a pest. If you can just chill out, all the odds are in your favor.<P><BR>

Cossie, the mere fact that your wife has offered (and not in anger) to give up her friendship is quite possibly an indication that you have nothing to worry about. At least it shows that she puts you first.<P>My H has never once offered to give up his friendship with PSBFH unless it's in the middle of a fight, and then it's done grudgingly. And now it would mean quitting his job, which I don't want him to do (he'd blame me for losing his job).<P>Just something to think about...

Cossie,<P>Thanks for answering my question. I can definitely see where that could happen. I truly didn't know what kind of reasons there were for father's not being more involved in their children's lives. <P>As far as my H, he does do everything with our son. Every waking moment not spent at work, he's with us. I couldn't imagine us not doing everything as a family. I'm lucky in that aspect, I've never had to do anything to get him to realize the importance of this. He and our son are best friends. As a matter of fact, he missed a very important work related function on Thursday night just to attend our son's soccer game. He caught hell for it, considering it's a new job, but he didn't care. As he says, his family is priority number 1. You can always find another job, you can't replace your family. <P>Thanks again.<P>------------------<BR>The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.<BR>Helen Keller<BR>

cuckold, dazed & confused, and distrusting,<P>Thank you so much for your responses wise and insightful, caring and compassionate..feels like family in here at times... <P>d & c, yes I think you are right about my W and me not having to worry about her.....I do trust her implicitly....<BR>My discomfort is with my own insecurities...it feels yuk and I know my self esteem needs work...and I need to take notice of my own advice to others.. ...it must be a human thing to think ourselves not good enough...or to want all the attention from our spouses when we dont feel we have enough of ourselves...<P>I am working on it...and am thankful I have developed a little understanding to see it first, and deal with it second...and to accept I am responsible for it not her or him...then to look at why I want it in my life at this time.. <P>best wishes and peace to you all...<P>cossie<P><P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....<P>