Oh and BTW, Dr. Harley (who this site belongs to)advocates NO CONTACT for life with the former affair partner. Why? Because the affair could reignite with contact and because the wayward never truly sees the error of their ways and complete comes out of the fog until contact has ended. You can have contact with the OC without contact with the OW. You can use a mediator.

It is called commitment, Angel. It is called love. REAL love, not infatuous love. Love that knows right from wrong. My husband said to me about 5 months after the affair finally ended, he had learned you never leave for someone else. He learned that you don't walk away from your wife and children. He wanted to be right with God and walk His path and His way. To do so meant he had to turn off the path he had been on for nearly 3 years. THAT is love, angel.

Go read His Needs/Her Needs by Willard Harley. Read about the Giver and the Taker. Read about the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) Sacrifice is NEVER good for a marriage. Sacrifice creates resentment. You need to learn these things before you commit yourself for life before God and man. If you do, then you have a good chance at a successful marriage. Dr. Harley knows his stuff.

I appreciate all of your commets and advice. I have decided that the best thing for him and i is to take a month apart from each other completely so that we can get our thoughts together and in one month we will talk and decide wether it all ends or if we will fight together for our future. Angel - i thank you because somehow i found some hope and posibility that this love that is so strong inside me and that now i now is inside him can survive. To all the others - than you because you made me think with a clear mind and helped me not to jump into something that one day i may not be able to deal with. I never thought that i would be in this situation but now that i am i need to decide what im gonna do with the rest of my life. Like i mentioned before we have everything together the only thing missng is the signed paperwork so i cant just turn and run like someone said, its just impossible. Well this month i have alot to think about and alot to pray about and i hope that God helps me make the best decision. People make mistake and sometimes they are HUGE! some can be forgiven and forgotten but some cannot, either way we will one day pay for the choices we make. I pray for each one of you and hope that you can be strong and happy in your marriage or relationship and hope one day i can do the same with the person God chooses for me, wether that be him or not. God Bless All of You!

God bless you, Lorena. Don't go completely away from us though. Take the month to completely read through this site, read Surviving An Affair and give your fiance SAA to read as well. In fact it would be a great time for each of you to think about what marriage means to you. If you want to talk to more women in your shoes, please email me. Angel, you are welcome too.

killnme2004-mb@yahoo.com

I too as a mother of 3 can verify that just a month ago my 9 years old asked me if there dad was in the operating room with me when they were born, then wanted to know all of the gory details and cool details. They were thrilled with the story and then even passed it on to there friend that spent the night with that weekend which also told of her dad NOT being with her mom in the delivery room as he was milatary. My kids told me after she went home how happy they were that there dad was the first to hold them, kiss them put there first diaper on them etc. etc etc. How sad they felt for there friend whose dad had to be overseas and share in that moment.

It's NOT always about the OW as you may think. Maybe it's for the MM. As that is he is blood just as he would insist on being in the room or there for your own children's births. It's not about the wife.......it's about him and his children. End of story.

Not all ow could care a less either. I was perfectly fine without xmm there. His choice and his cross to bear over it. I had plenty of people who loves my child and wanted to be there and that is what matters. I would never want anyone no matter what the stitch is to be where they don't want to be.

But as my children GET older (not oc, mine and xh's) I have learn to realize how important things really are to them that 1, 2, 3 or 5 years ago I would have never thought about. So my kids did not know at the time when they were born about who was and was not there, but as they grow and converations come up you bet your sweet life it's important to them. Okay carry on.....

Hey marysway! YOU are one of the exceptions. We all know that. My H was at the OC birth against my wishes. OW thought he was there for HER. He was there because the thought he could prevent anything bad happening to the baby. OC ended up in the NICU anyway. No logic there, really and it is a HUGE disrepect and slap in the face of the BW for the H to be there.

Hey FF! How the heck are you? I don't know if I am one of the exceptions but I have the attitude of well it is what it is and move on. Plus I am stubborn and pridful LOL Look at what you do have versus what you don't have. I will be honest, it hurt somewhat but not enough to take the joy of that day of my daughters birth and as i said she had so many people there that DID WANT to be there and love her.

I understand it's a slap in the Bw's face.......I could imagine being in the shoes. Being on the other side though I can also see the other side. Not to mention talking to men (just MM's) when it comes to there children.

I guess it goes back to personal decissions. I have a freind that her husband won't even go into the room when they give birh to there own kids. He refusses. Can't handle it.

My stance has still not changed on contact although it's a double edge stance.......but I do know from reading different boards that deal with this, depending on the mm some it's important too and some it's not. What I am about to say is not meant as a OW statement, but a statement in general. But Seriously, we all make choices. We all have to live with those choices. Regardless if we are at fault or not. The BW feels as if she is entitlted because that is her husband and she is.....as well as the ow feels as if she is entitlted because that is her child and regardless of if the oc was planned or not.....it happened. Both woman make sacrafices. The bw taking her man back and the ow normally (not always) having a child that has no father. But both woman are doing what they feel they need to do.

I could have kept mm if I would have aborted or put her up for adoption.......so I did not have my oc in order to keep MM, but the moment I was pregnant that was my child and that child came before any man.

She is 4 now and trust me it's not easy and she has fantacies over her dad that she has never met or will probaly never meet until she chooses to seek him when she is an adult. Handling that is easier for me but my friends give me greive over it for not even trying to establish a relationhip between them. I feel as if he wanted it, he'd start it. I could be found very easy. She will get over it and be okay.

My feelings on contact versus nC is it is up to the married couple, but both need to really seak out if they can come together on there feelings and be true about there feelings and if each can handle it. Because I have seen too that if the bw allows contact and really did not want it, the marriage won't work, as well as if the mm really wanted it and did not do it to save his marriage in the end it won't work. It's sticky and hard and tough. We do alot of things that we think at that moment will cure it all and sometimes that is not the case. Some men can get over it, some can't. That is what makes us all indiviuals.

I think you are raising your precious DD the best way you can. By not forcing C you are not setting her up for rejection. You are right, if he wants to see her he can seek you out.

In my case, OW used OC as a means to try to hold on to my H. She used guilt, she used blackmail, she used threatened suicide to hold on to him. All that did was eventually make him realize that C was not possible nor desirable. I feel bad for OC not having his dad in his life. OW hates me. Hates that I "took" what she felt she was entitled too, which was her son's father. C won't work for us.

You ARE the exception,Mary.

You always have been.

It does not work for everyone and that kindof spread into a different thread of the original thread. BTW......suicide is about the worst possible thing you can do towards me to push me away. I have two family members who did it and after the shocked I was nothing but p*ssed off at them. I know some people are sick, but if anyone (especially someonme who has brought children into this world) is that sick and desperate there are just to many options to help one get better and at least on the road between medications and doctors. Okay enough on that rant.......

Kimmy......thank you.......how how have you been too? Seriously I am NOT the exception.....lol I just think I'm older and wiser and am have to much pride to even sometimes hurt my own self. But thank you!