" For the most part, I please myself during sex, as he is enjoying my breasts. Sorry, not sure how much we can say here."

ummm... you please YOURSELF... you aren't talking about masturbation here are you? Because if you are, what is the difference?

i am truly trying to understand here.

mlhb

Yes I DO, because he WON'T. He doesn't want to try, he has a few times, got impatient, didn't want to take the time to try again, so would prefer me to do it myself.

It is NOT what I want! I would love for him to pleasure me himself, either manually, orally or during sex, but he doesn't.

Ok, now I'm fully with you. Any man that won't take the time to please his wife needs a good kick in the a$$. That is inexcusable.

And now I'm struggling with something else! Not even sure most would deem this something to get upset about, but with everything else that's happened over the course of the last 3 days, it's just one more thing that scares me and has me worried.

H and I went for breakfast, then he brought me home, called me later, while looking for parts for his motorcycle. I got online and looked up several places for him, and gave him phone numbers.

He was suppose to be picking up parts and going to his friend's house to work on it. That was at 1:00 this afternoon. I called him at 6:30 at his friends, and he had just gotten there. I asked where he had been and he told me he had to go out of town, 1 hour away.

I'm just hyper about why he didn't tell me he was going out of town, or ask me to go with him, as he knows I've been wanting to get out of town for a break. If even for safety sake, it would have been nice for him to have just let me know.

I guess at this point, I'm not sure what I trust or don't. I'm just on edge and very confused.

Exactly! I have to say, almost every single time we have sex, it's the same. Many times I won't bother, if I have to do it myself, it's just not the same. It also doesn't feel loving to me, it's just an act we perform, and it's over. Sad, huh?

Right now, it's almost impossible for me to do much about it, since I'm struggling myself with feeling neglected, ignored, unloved and unsafe.

I'm tired and not sure I want to try anymore, and I know I shouldn't make big decisions when I'm feeling like this. So for now, I'm kinda frozen, as explained in my first post.

You know, I still don't think he's having an affair, although one never knows, but there's no real indication of one, if anything, I believe he's been using magazines and possibly videos more than he's told me.

Thank you Pep, although I must admit to not having much more fight in me.

Thank you for the 'crude' remark, when I'm hurting. Appreciate it!

Geesh!

Anyway thing is, it DOES affect his ability to sustain intimacy with me. There IS a real problem, thus why I'm here.

Thank you howitfeels, that's what I am doing here, I think.

Sometimes it's hard, because there's so much that members here don't know yet, I haven't talked about yet, etc. So they're judging only on what they've heard so far.

Thank you for the support, I so appreciate it.

april, how do you expect anyone here to give you advice based on a story with only partial facts? Of course we are giving you advice based on what we have heard, what else would we base it on? You can't give us partial facts and then expect to get good advice; that is just unrealisic and a WASTE OF OUR TIME.

People here want to help, but that is impossible if you play games and don't give them the facts. And THEN criticize them for giving you bad advice. That is very unfair. Let me know when you want to give the complete FACTS, because otherwise this is a waste of time. sigh....

I have a somewhat different take on this subject. Masturbation is not a sin but it's a mistake in a relationship. You have the right to all of your husband's emotional and sexual energy and by diverting it in this way he is depriving you of something valuable.

Everybody says that masturbation relieves stress or is just a general release. OK, I get it BUT it also takes that sexual edge off that focuses the man on his wife. In discussions of sexless marriages (I know that yours is not one), people will say that sex is the glue that holds the relationship together, that smooths over conflict and that reconnects husband and wife. That is true.

It's not infidelity and it's not disloyalty but it should stop because you are being deprived of something vital to your M - that is, 100% of your H's sexual energy.

Boy do I have a lot to say, and not very much time to say it. I have found much to agree with, and much to disagree with, reading this thread.

I just can't stop myself from saying that there is a huge difference between what goes on between a husband and wife, with fingers and other parts flying everywhere, and what goes on between a man and his magazine. Both may meet the dictionary definition of masturbation, but to me they are universes apart. (Not to imply that I think it's hunky dory that he only likes SF that way, and makes you do all your own work. That might be a fun distraction once in a while, but is not mutually fulfilling over the long run.)

April, I fully believe what Jesus said about lust in the heart, just as I believe Him when he equated anger with murder. They are just different parts of the same plant. In any of the translations I have read, Jesus never once said 'maybe', but only how God always views this.

I would just recommend that you begin with what Pep and Mel and some of the other posters have suggested, in first and foremost examining yourself.

Not because it is your fault what your H is doing - it's not - but because you can only control yourself and your own actions. If there turns out to be some things you need to change, then by all means change them, regardless of what happens with these other issues.

This is very painful, and rightfully so, but I would just caution you to deal with every part of it lovingly, kindly, and patiently, just as Jesus would. Take yourself out of the fight equation, no matter what the fighting is about.

I would recommend Plan A-type behavior at this point, while you read, learn, and correct any of your own faults. You definitely don't want to drive your H away at this point.

However, there is going to come a point where either he will change willingly, or you will have to make a tough decision as to whether you will allow him to continue to access you while he continues on as he is now.

That will not be manipulation. You are not trying to get him to change, or make him do anything. You will only decide what people and influences you will allow in your life, and under what circumstances. That is a boundary. Ultimately, you can only control you.

Uhmmmmmm touchy, aren't we? What I meant was, of course, I haven't told you about all 10 years of my marriage, and everything that's caused us problems in a few days on the forum.

I did come to talk about the most recent events, and discuss how to handle what's going on at this time, just as anybody else here, more will come out as I continue to post.

And you might want to consider, when people are going through tough times, they're doing the best they can. Have patience.

... happened to be at the Kinsey Institute Site (don't ask why) at http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/FAQ.html#masturbation and saw this data:

#
Masturbation

# In a study of undergraduate college students, 98% of men and 44% of women reported having ever masturbated (Pinkerton, Bogart, Cecil, & Abramson, 2002).
# Among undergraduate students, men reported masturbating an average of 12 times per month, while women reported an average of 4.7 times per month (Pinkerton, Bogart, Cecil, & Abramson, 2002).
# In a study of African-American women aged 15 to 64, 62% reported that they had masturbated at some point during their lives (Robinson, Bockting, & Harrell, 2002).
# About 60% of men and 40% of women reported masturbating in the past year (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).
# Nearly 85% of men and 45% of women who were living with a sexual partner reported masturbating in the past year (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).
# 35% of American men aged 18-39 do not masturbate while 37% masturbate sometimes, and 28% one or more times per week (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).
# 53% of men and 25% of women masturbated for the first time by ages 11 to 13 (Janus & Janus, 1993).
# 5% of men and 11% of women have never masturbated (Janus & Janus, 1993).

No, I am not touchy at all. I am offended you would waste folk's valuable time asking for advice when you purposely withhold key information. You make it impossible for folks to give you sound advice and then criticize them for it. Unfortunately, we are not psychic.

I would be glad to give you advice once you ante up the pertinent FACTS. To give you advice when you openly claim: "there's so much that members here don't know yet, I haven't talked about yet" is to play a guessing game and is not fair to well meaning people who spent their time and effort posting to you.

The remaining 2% of men were of course liars.....

Just so you know, I am NOT withholding 'key' information for this particular situation and time. I am not making it impossible for folks to give sound advice, I have no idea why you think that.

Ante up the 'pertinent facts'? A 'guessing game'?

Do you treat all the new members like this?

If I'm not posting the way you'd like, you don't have to read my thread. I'm trying to do my best here, and for the problems at hand, I gave all the information I could think of to cover the bases.

I agree with Neak. If porn + masturbation = infidelity in your mind, then use the MB principles for busting up and surviving an affair. Have you read about Plan A and Plan B?

I really cannot understand why a man would masturbate because he was angry with his W.