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One other BIG problem with us is, no matter what I say or how I say it, to him, everything is criticism. How can I get past that? to me you do seem critical and controling...and I only read your words. Imagine what your H might see. I'm very willing to look at this, so can you give me more specifics, as to where you're seeing my control? Thanks
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Here is what Dr Harley says about masturbation: Over the years I have come to the conclusion that married couples should try to avoid sexual experiences outside each other's company. My reasoning is that sex is so enjoyable that the pleasure people receive from it should not be squandered. To review my "Love Bank" concept, whenever you have pleasure in each other's company, you deposit love units in each other's Love Banks, thereby increasing your feeling of romantic love for each other. If you limit your sexual experiences to times you are together (especially if they are often), the feeling of love will be enhanced.
On the other hand, if you have sexual experiences with others, even over the internet where it is essentially a fantasy, you build feelings of love toward those people instead of your spouse. Even masturbation, with no one present and no object of fantasy, takes the place of times that love units could have been deposited in marriage. I agree with this 100%
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God sees into the hearts of people. You do not. I suspect if you keep up with your current attitude with your H, you will have even bigger fish to fry. Please do tell me what you're seeing, I'm curious.
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And again I say, it depends on who's POV you're using, Christian or Non-Christian. YOU chose to marry someone without faith in God. Now you are concerned about his not believing as you do. Perhaps your timing is a bit off??? Yes, I WILL agree with you here. I do take my share of blame, for marrying my H, even if I knew he didn't share my values and beliefs. I guess, now that we've been married for 10 years, and he's completely satisfied with SF through me, I just didn't understand why he did what he did twice, after telling me several times, he never needed that now, that he's with me.
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have you read this book?
The Power Of A Praying Wife
- by Stormie Omartain
“Lord, nothing in me wants to pray for this man. I confess my anger, hurt, unforgiveness, disappointment, resentment, and hardness of heart toward him. Forgive me and create in me a clean heart and right spirit before You. Give me a new, positive, joyful, loving, forgiving attitude toward him. Where he has erred, reveal it to him and convict his heart about it. Lead him through the paths of repentance and deliverance. Help me not to hold myself apart from him emotionally, mentally, or physically because of unforgiveness. Where either of us needs to ask forgiveness of the other, help us to do so.
If there is something I’m not seeing that’s adding to this problem, reveal it to me and help me to understand it. Remove any wedge of confusion that has created misunderstanding or miscommunication. Where there is behavior that needs to change in either of us, I pray You would enable that change to happen. As much as I want to hang on to my anger toward him because I feel it’s justified, I want to do what You want. I release all those feelings to You. Give me a renewed sense of love for him and words to heal this situation.”
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that is a good book pepper.
i hope one day to have a husband i could actually pray WITH and FOR.
i have several of her books.
mlhb
God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.
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I agree with MEDC that you are way too controling. This is likely at the heart of his anger over these incidences. Let's try to look at it from the other side of this. His daughter is having a crisis and his X called. He didn't call her, she called him. Perhaps she is concerned? Perhaps there is good reason to be concerned. Regardless, it's hardly his fault that she called. If it was a crisis, even just a perceived crisis, he can't just hang up the phone and cut her off, can he. From his point of view, you've made a mountain out of this molehill and as a result, he's angry.
I see your point, and I think his talking to her bothered me because, him and I are having our problems, he seems to tune me out on the phone, and cuts me off short. Then he talks to her for 1/2 hour with no problem. Just touches a raw spot with me.
The comment about other women while in bed was inappropriate, but probably an insensitive blunder on his part rather than an intentional dig at you. You've told him. Now let it go unless it happens again.
I did let that go.
Now to your main issue, the masturbation. What is most disconcerting of all is not that he did it, but that he did it to "get back at you" in anger (so it seems from your posts). You have obviously made your point of view on the subject quite clear and it seems he understands this perfectly. I would be more concerned at getting to the bottom of this revenge mentality than anything.
I AM concerned about that, and he has told me, it was after a fight with me, on the phone. OK, so he's told me, if he's not lying about it, but now what? I asked what the fight was about, but he can't remember, or so he says.
I do know that, whatever I talk about to him, he takes as criticism. How do I get past that, how do I talk to him then? I guess I'm truly confused on this, and not being a jerk here on purpose.
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There's not much more than a woman can do for a man sexually, than what I give him on a regular basis. then perhaps the issue is how you are out of the bedroom. Controlling??? Nagging??? OK, enough people here have said this, now can we please get on to HOW I'm controlling? Help me understand, so I can start working on it.
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alright this is going to sound graphic but here goes anyway. if he is masturbating right in front of you INSTEAD of having sex with you and you are right there ready and available, that is one thing.
but if he is alone, you are not available, etc.. i don't see the problem.
i would think if you were right there ready and willing to have sex and he chose masturbation over that, you have bigger concerns, like why he didn't want to have sex with you. sounds like this only happens if you are not around. am i correct?
see, i just don't see it the same way that you do. i think it can be something couples use together to enhance their sex lives, or alone if their partner is not there.
mlhb Guess we'll have to agree to disagree. 
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You marry a man whom you KNOW likes X-rated stuff .... When I first met him, he had a box of x-rated books in his bedroom and several x-rated movies. That should have been my red flag, and I ignored it. ..... then, you hold his feet to the fire for not embracing your standards How much responsibility do you personally accept for this mismatch of values? Pep I accept my share. I know I should have thought it through more, but what do I do NOW?
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What difference is it, that it's a picture in a magazine, or a woman in the flesh? OK, no disease, I'll give you that. And the chance of this woman falling in love/lust with him, but in concept, and in God's eyes, if a man makes a decision to do this, it's a choice he has made to use THAT woman, not his wife. He takes away from his wife, and hurts her heart in so doing. I'd like to point out that the statement in bold is a little offensive. Masturbation certainly involves using whatever object it is that turns him on, but no man should be "using" his wife for SF in a marriage (or any other situation for that matter). Marital SF should be a mutual expression of feeling between both husband and wife and neither one should come out feeling used. Yes, he's using the woman in the magazine but that's not how he should be treating you in the first place and you shouldn't feel as though you've lost anything at all to her. Perhaps this is another problem area, for me at least. He does seem to 'use' me many times for sex. I usually haven't made an issue out of it, because I love him, and enjoy pleasing him. For the most part, I please myself during sex, as he is enjoying my breasts. Sorry, not sure how much we can say here.
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I see your point, and I think his talking to her bothered me because, him and I are having our problems, he seems to tune me out on the phone, and cuts me off short. Then he talks to her for 1/2 hour with no problem. Just touches a raw spot with me. Are you PLEASANT to talk to? Does he ENJOY talking to you? Should he have reason to ENJOY talking to you? Would you enjoy talking to you if you were him? Somehow I doubt this given the fact that you fight so much that he has left. April, you can't blame him for trying to get you off the phone if you are unpleasant. [color:#FF0000]I AM concerned about that, and he has told me, it was after a fight with me, on the phone. OK, so he's told me, if he's not lying about it, but now what? I asked what the fight was about, but he can't remember, or so he says. I think if you resolve the lovebusting problem and make your marriage a safe, PLEASANT place for him he will be more inclined to forgo masturbation. I suspect he has strong sexual needs but that the stress in the marriage has made sex with you too stressful. April, if I were you, I would run to the bookstore and get the book Lovebusters. I suspect that might be the eyeopener for you that it was for me.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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We've been having troubles for awhile, but at least he's never been involved with anybody else, and our sex life has been very good. We've been married 10 years and are currently separated, his idea because of the stress of fighting, etc. april, why is he so angry with you and what are you fighting about? I wonder if this is part of his motivation to masturbate? Fighting [lovebusting] RUINS romance. Maybe he doesn't enjoy sex with you because of all the hard feelings created by constant fighting? What is happening in your marriage that has led to a separation? I don't think he should be masturbating because a) it upsets you and b) because it takes away from your own sex life, but just recognizing that fact is not going to solve the problem. When asked, he tells me he is angry because I'm too critical of him. He also says that I don't trust him. I'm trying to remember what else.
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When asked, he tells me he is angry because I'm too critical of him. What are you doing to change this? He also says that I don't trust him. I'm trying to remember what else. What does he mean by this? Do you think he is having an affair? Have you investigated to rule out an affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes, many. I talked to him again last night, and calmly let him know how deep this hurt me, how "I" see it, regardless of how others might view it, as that should be what matters. He apologized and said he made a mistake (twice), but he can't go back. He didn't even protest once, when I told him I was considering divorce. It hurt that he didn't fight for our marriage at all. When you told him you were considering divorce, were you really considering it or was it a threat to try to shake him up? Maybe he did not fight you because he thought you did not really mean it. At the time, I meant it. I always told him that cheating was a deal breaker, and to me personally, this felt like cheating.
I believe (I may be wrong), he didn't fight me, because he's told me before, if the problems don't stop, it's best if we DO consider divorce.I understand the hurt and I understand you want your H to have the same values as you do. The problem is that you knew he engaged in this before marriage and that he did not share your faith or values. You're right. It was a mistake back then, but it's been 10 years, we're here now, I need to go on from here.I do think you sound a bit controlling here and you have not responded to others commenting on that. It is very likely that he masterbates when he is frustrated with some of your shortcomings. You keep saying this hurts you. Maybe sometimes the way you act hurts him and this is how he responds. I'm open to looking at this, as I said in a few previous posts.
I guess I'm torn in believing him, as to the real reason he masturbated. I say this because, he's a woman watcher, BIG TIME.
He was a womanizer before I married him, many women, and cheated on a few too. So I guess in my head I wonder, how many times has he REALLY used magazines, and were there cd's involved too? He isn't online, so there's none of that.
If it's much more than he's admitted, than we have a bigger problem. I guess at this point, I have to believe what he's told me.The porn should go even if he did engage in it and you knew before marriage. Unless it is frequent, I would leave the masterbation issue alone. According to your spiritual views it is wrong, but since he does not share them - express your opinion and drop it. This is something I have to work on, but I do see what you're saying.I am really sensing the problems between you two is 50/50 and you are viewing it all his fault. You will not come to a resolution if you take that view. I'm sure you're right. I do know though, my tolerance of masturbation to images is what it is, and I'm feeling that me being a 'strong' woman, is coming across here as controlling. Where is the line drawn between knowing your values and boundaries, and being looked at as controlling?
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have you read this book?
The Power Of A Praying Wife
- by Stormie Omartain
“Lord, nothing in me wants to pray for this man. I confess my anger, hurt, unforgiveness, disappointment, resentment, and hardness of heart toward him. Forgive me and create in me a clean heart and right spirit before You. Give me a new, positive, joyful, loving, forgiving attitude toward him. Where he has erred, reveal it to him and convict his heart about it. Lead him through the paths of repentance and deliverance. Help me not to hold myself apart from him emotionally, mentally, or physically because of unforgiveness. Where either of us needs to ask forgiveness of the other, help us to do so.
If there is something I’m not seeing that’s adding to this problem, reveal it to me and help me to understand it. Remove any wedge of confusion that has created misunderstanding or miscommunication. Where there is behavior that needs to change in either of us, I pray You would enable that change to happen. As much as I want to hang on to my anger toward him because I feel it’s justified, I want to do what You want. I release all those feelings to You. Give me a renewed sense of love for him and words to heal this situation.” Thank you, that's really a great prayer! I will copy and print. Thank you again.
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When asked, he tells me he is angry because I'm too critical of him.
He also says that I don't trust him. I'm trying to remember what else. Time to put your faith to work April "Where either of us needs to ask forgiveness of the other, help us to do so." Ask your H for forgiveness. Pray for a tender heart towards your H. Pray for your attitude to be corrected by the Lord. If you trust in the Lord, praying to become a better wife is not done with reluctance. The reasons you are hurt are legitimate. Your response is not in keeping with your faith. Nagging and fighting will make this worse, not better. With care & prayer, Pep
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Yes, I WILL agree with you here. I do take my share of blame, for marrying my H, even if I knew he didn't share my values and beliefs.
I guess, now that we've been married for 10 years, and he's completely satisfied with SF through me, I just didn't understand why he did what he did twice, after telling me several times, he never needed that now, that he's with me. If he infrequently wanks then why do you need to understand it? Give the guy some breathing room lest you suffocate him. The reason that he told you "he never needed that now" is b/c even when men have a fine sex life with their partners they still occasionally fantasize about others. What really matters is whether it impacts on his ability to sustain intimacy with you. If there isn't any real problem than why play the thought police.
Last edited by Brix; 05/02/08 01:17 PM.
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[quote] April, if I were you, I would run to the bookstore and get the book Lovebusters. I suspect that might be the eyeopener for you that it was for me. Dead on and I second the motion. April, I share the opinion of the other posters who think you're being controlling, and I'll tell you why I think so. You seem to be obsessing over what some here (including me) think is a trivial thing. You seem to want to control your husband's behavior. You seem to want him to believe the same way as you do, with statements like 'love should be enough to make him stop' and 'it hurts me so he should stop'. I personally see this as controlling and using emotional blackmail. You have every right to feel how you feel about your husband's masturbating. But you know what? Thumping him on the head with a bible isn't going to help because he's not a believer anyway. Trying to guilt him into stopping isn't going to work - at best he'll get better about concealing it and will stop being honest with you about it. You seem to be indulging in the lovebuster called a 'selfish demand'. Consider approaching him in a calm, respectful manner. Express how *you* feel when he masturbates - not how his masturbating *makes* you feel. Do you understand the difference? You're in charge of your feelings, not him. Calmly and respectfully discuss the issue and ask him to stop - and ask him what you can do to help. Maybe he senses that you're not always 'into' sex with him, and feels resentful about that? And just masturbates so he doesn't have to 'bother' you? There are a hundred possibilities, but you won't get to the root of the issue using your emotions or your faith as a club to bludgeon him into doing what yout want.
Me - 44
DW - 39
Married 16 years
DS10
DS6
DD4
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Aprilshowers: Looks like I'm going to be a minority of one here. OK, so what? It's not the first time. It won't be the last.
I do not see you as being "too controlling," based on what you've said so far. I think you made a mistake in marrying someone who did not share your values. You admit that yourself. But that was then. This is now. You will make a HUGE mistake if you sacrifice your Christian beliefs and principles to make any man happy, or to please anonymous posters on an internet website. You gain nothing by surrendering the core of who you are.
DO NOT AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME BLAME FOR YOUR HUSBAND'S MASTURBATING AND FANTASIZING BECAUSE IT'S SOMEONES OPINION THAT YOU SHOULD. You should certainly listen to advice you've requested to receive. Consider it carefully. Accept what applies to you. Deep-six the rest. You don't have to accept everything to accept anything; being selective is fine. You're the only one on this thread who has personal knowledge of your circumstances. If you come to conclude that you have been "controlling" in some ways, after thinking about other posters' comments and advice, then you may choose to do something to correct this. If, with the best, most willing heart in the world, you can't apply the analysis and advice to you--when you've simply taken the words of Jesus at face value and applied them to what has happened in your life--then don't.
Do not make your husband's choices your fault. They are HIS choices. People are always saying around here that affairs are a choice, and there is no excuse for them on the part of the person having an affair, even if the BS made "mistakes" in the marriage. Same for you. Whatever you do, or don't do, did or didn't, he's the one who made the choice. Do not define yourself, or your worth as a woman, by his choices.
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