This is a letter I wrote to my husband. I want it all to come out and be done with this mess. I've been NC for four months now and am done with withdraw. I couldn't go on anymore knowing i was keeping something from him. This letter is a sequence of events of what transpired. Is my marriage salvageable? My husband is understandably out of his mind right now and I need to take some real action in saving us if he even wants to let me try. Help me!!
Here's my letter



It started early summer. we stared to flirt with one another and tease one another.
There was alot of sexual inuendos flying around. The company party came up and I approached him and asked if I could follow him up there since i was sketchy with the directions. He said why waste the gas why don't you just ride with me. I drove on the way up and by the time we were ready to leave i was quite drunk. I leaned my head on his shoulder during the drive and when we got to our cars he stayed with me until i sobered up. I drove home when i felt i was ready. A week or so later he asked me if we could talk. He got out of work a couple of hours before me. We met in the parking lot after my shift was done and sat in the car. he told me that he thought things seemed a little weird between us and and that he said the despite the fact that we had feelings that the friendship was more important to him, although if we were single he would "go for it"
I didn't say a lot during this conversation. I actually felt relieved that we had the conversation. Now i am not sure why. I can't believe I was so naive. The phone calls started in August and we talked for a long time. He gave me a yellow rose and chocolates for my birthday. I thought he was being sweet. There was a little question in my mind at this point, but I ignored it. I told myself it wasn't what I thought and that he just wanted to be friends. What the f***?
It was then a few weeks later that you found out about the talk.
We continued to flirt and carry on at work. It was mostly me complaining about what was going on at home and him listening. My rational being It felt good to have someone listen and not judge. We started secretly e-mailing for a week. Right before I quit i gave him a clock. We met and talked and madeout with eachother. I had every intention of never talking with him again, but then I wrote him a letter in late oct. My letter was mostly like the e-mails I sent to him I wrote how upset i was (what a joke. You were the one who had the right to be upset). I also requested some songs for a cd I wanted him to make for me. A little before I went home to visit he told me that the cd's were ready and I went to place of employment to pick them up. He also gave me a letter. In that he stated that I was the best person he knew and that he loved me. He also told me that he wanted to wake up beside me and go to sleep telling me about his day. I was a little stunned, my letter didn't say anything to that extent and much to my dismay i was flattered.
I went home and yes i talked to him on the phone while i was there. When i got back he came over three times, I invited him twice, the first time we didn't have sex, just talked, the other times we did. It was in the front room on the rug. I was drunk one of the times. This was before thanksgiving. I was feeling worse and worse about myself and yet i convinced myself that he cared about me and that he wasn't taking advantage of me. What a fool I was!
He came over again in the middle of dec and it happened again.
I was disgusted with myself and bought a prepaid phone so i could call him and confront him about what had happened and call him names, because now i was mad at everyone, but i chickened out and just asked him if he felt as guilty as i did. he said he did I asked him if he was sorry he said he was, but i could tell he didn't mean it. I threw the phone away. I think he was just interested in me not telling anyone what we did. I just wanted it to go away and when OMW e-mailed me i just wanted her to go away too. I knew he had been an [censored] to her and I didn't say anything. I went NC with him and haven't talked, e-mailed or seen him since. Nothing. I haven't gone into place of employment either since dec 12.
after the withdraw I started seeing things much more clearly and realized what a f*** c** i had been to you. everytime i was alone with my thoughts the phrase cheater cheater cheater kept going through my mind. I knew i was wrong and tried to work up the courage so many times to tell you, but i was a chicken sh** and didn't. I can't bear the thought of not being honest another day. These are the details.


This is my letter and all the raw details It is also the same one I will send to OM's wife because I left it with her thinking wrongly of her husband.

I'm here...hopefully Mrs. W will be by a little later...

Let me read this and respond...just wanted to tell you to hang on for a few...

OK...ILMH,

I have to admit that I have had this feeling all along. The reason is because I have a very strong belief that when there is an A of any kind, and the feelings between the affair partners is mutual--it's almost never "just an EA." Maybe if it is an internet thing- but when there is physical contact, I just seriously doubt a claim of an EA only. This coupled with what Try had told us about the attachment you had to the OM and how hard it was for you to break away...things just didn't add up. It is also why I was so hard on you in your other thread. Sadly, this news does not surprise me one bit. My heart aches for him. It is D-Day all over again...only worse.

That said, I also seriously hope that the reason Try has had such a hard time getting over "just an EA" is because he knew deep down that it was more. I say that because the alternative is that if he could not live with even an EA, this revelation may be what tears you apart. You kept the truth from him for quite some time. Even though you have maintained NC since December, what you have finally admitted to starts this whole nightmare all over again.

The fact that you had sex with this man in your own home makes it even worse. I will not go on about how horrible this is, or how devastated I'm sure he is, because these are things that I'm sure you already know.

All you can do now is give him the letter, answer any and all questions he has with complete honesty (as many times as he needs to ask them), and hope and pray he will be able to find it in his heart to try to forgive you ONCE AGAIN. I have walked a mile in your shoes, and I know that you were scared to tell him the truth for fear that he would leave you. It took me a few painful weeks to disclose the whole truth to Want2Stay...each one of those Q&A sessions more painful than the last. Oh, how I wish I would have done it all at once instead of dragging him through the "revelation nightmare" for so long. But, then again, if I had know then what I know now, I would have done a LOT of things differently...

I am not one to focus on the past, but to the future. I will pray for you and Try, and hope that now that he has the whole picture, he will be able to make more sense of the way you acted for all those months. Maybe it will help him heal. What I can tell you, is that this is a long, hard road that you are just now beginning to travel. You MUST be patient, you MUST be honest, you MUST tell the OMW, and there are just not enough words to express to him how sorry you are.

For a while he is going to be very, very angry. His worst nightmare has just come true and it is even worse than he thought it was for over six months. Be there for him however you can...

And please ask him to come and post. We all would like to help him as well. My husband is pretty upset about this, although we both had our suspicions, and would like the opportunity to help him through this. We have both come to care about him and now both of you as you work through this very horrible time. We are here for you both...

Thankyou for you reply. I have done the unimagineable and can't take it back. I am disappointed in myself and I know the last thing he wants to do is have me comfort him right now. I also wish I hadn't dragged this out.. well i wish none of it had happened. He has always been my knight in shining armour and I spit in his face. I know I am a piece of sh**.

You will have to get to a point where you forgive yourself. It will take a long time (I am still working on it) so I understand how low you feel right now.

But the focus must remain on Try...

In his recent thread, he mentioned that you didn't really want to continue posting. I would urge you to re-think that choice. Obviously you have posted tonight, but I really want you to take the lead in recovery now. He is reeling...laying in the floor bleeding from an almost fatal blow. Sound dramatic? It isn't. I thought that it was just my husband who couldn't get over what I had done, and that it was his fault that we were going around in circles. It wasn't...it was mine. It was also my responsibilty to learn as much as I possibly could on this site...both from the articles, and from the other BSs who are hurting so badly here. Dr. Harley compares the pain of infidelity to rape or the death of a spouse or child. I don't know how much time you have spent here learning already, but if you haven't, please start right now.

As I said, all you can do now is hope that he will give you another chance, and at least try to stay together. Beyond that, be there for him as much as he will let you. Learn what you can here, figure out what made you do this so that it won't happen again. Prove to him that you are willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes. Take the lead...by doing so, you take some of the burden from him that he has beared for many months. Show him how serious you are about helping him heal.

Where is he now...is he home? Did he leave?

He is laying beside me in bed and hurting like hell. I've been on this site a few times and have read some posts. When I said that I didn't want to post I was having a bad day. I actually posted the next day or day after i think. I think it is to my advantage to read as much as I can from the BS standpoint.

Tell him we are thinking of him....

It's great that you are reading and learning....I hope you guys can get through this. He is still there with you, so that is a good sign!

Try...I know you probably don't feel like posting tonight--maybe not for a few days, but we will watch for you!

Let us know if there is anything we can do!

So much of what you relate applies to my wife's story as well; it is the same old script with the names changed and just enough different to make it personal.

Now practice the three r's; regret, remorse and retribution. The two of you can survive but the path is narrow and rock filled and it is going to take time, lots of time.

I will have more to say when you are ready to hear it.

Larry

Larry thanks for posting. I am ready to hear, please tell me what he is going through and how i can be there for him and what he needs me to do. I f** up, but i am ready and willing to do whatever it takes to make us right. Is it possible? It feels like it isn't right now, that no matter what I do he is still going to hate me. what i did was the worst thing ever. I already feel great remorse and not just because he knows either. He is the most important thing in the world to me besides my child

I left a message on the MB phone scheduling site, where you have a phone session with WH. It says that they'll get back to you within 1 business day. I've rolled up the rug and posted it for sale to get it out of my house. Am I on the right track or is all this just not going to help?

Hang in there ILMH,

Life is pretty dismal immediately after DDay.

Your BH is mortally wounded and lying on the floor right now.
Can't say what he will choose to do, but choose he must, and it will either be a commitment to heal and recover, or he may, as he is biblically entitled to do, choose divorce.

Don't expect very much from him right now. He is trying desperatly to make sence of everything he believed was right in his life, which has now been shattered into dust.

It will take him a few weeks to even come to grips with this revalation, let alone decide what to do. In short, your H is tramatized and in total shock. Allow him some room and time to wrap his head around all of this.

Sadly, there is very little you can do for him right now. In the future, there will be a great deal of work for you and him, but for now, just give him his space.

Will your H come here? We can help, but I'm sure he's not ready for that yet. Just let him know there are folks here who can help.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Thanks jerry. My husband already posts here he is trytoohard. I just want to hold him and express my shame and remorse, but if I need to give him space how do I do that and still try to show him that i am sorry? We were four months into recover so withdraw and all that other crap is done. I was falling in love with my husband again and knew there was more to the story and had to tell him everything. The last thing I wanted to do was start d-day all over again, but I had to be honest with him or I felt we would never be right

ILMH,

Just give him time and space. Be around him as much as possible.
That sounds contraditary, but it's not. Let him know, without actually sayin so, that you are there and commited entirely to him and his needs right now.

And yes, by all means, get rid of that old rug. It would be a better symbol to your H if you threw it out with the trash rather than sell it! I'm sure your H wants to burn it right now, and maybe that's not such a bad idea either.KWIM

Perhaps you could put a new rug down and find a way to replace the bad memories with new ones, if you see what I mean. It's a big step for betrayed, to replace new and happy memories with the old ugly memories.

I guess my point is that this is a very long and difficult road but it will only happen with one tiny step at a time,baby steps I guess. Unfortunately, there are no giant leaps when it comes to recovery. Each battle, no matter how fierce, is just one more little step.

Hang on for the rollar coaster ride of your life.


All Blessings,
Jerry

thanks again, so it wouldn't be stupid for me to paint the room over to give it a different look? That was my thought also. I figured if it looked different it might be a little easier to look at that room.. From a BS standpoint would it make any difference at all or is it just my wanting to do something? Thanks also for the advice about being around him. I wasn't sure if I was making it better or worse to try and comfort him and just be there for him. I think he might roll his eyes at this statement, but i really do want to be there for him. I know its a little late, I just want to make this right.

ILMH,

You desperately want to do something , right???

Let's get down to what your H needs, OK?

Here's something he said just a few days ago:



So my Q to you is very simply; Are you on board? And what will it take to show your H that. I can tell you that this will be very hard and take more than repainting a room.

You will have to repaint your M. In an acceptable color that your H agrees wholeheartedly with. Are you up to that challenge?

I would strogly suggest at this point to counsel with the Harleys. they can map out a plan of R far better than I can.
You are both in dire need of this IMHO.

I do wish you well and
All Blessings,
Jerry

The whole point for coming out with all of this is that i am truly on board now. whatever it takes for as log as it takes. I am trying to prove it with radical honesty. that has to be the first step. I know it is more than a few simple little things I am hoping to make an appointment tomorrow with the Harleys. I hope they can set something up soon. we desperately need it.

Good for you ILMH, I wish you all success and happiness.

Recovery will be difficult for both of you, but, what is it that God cannot accomplish?

All blessings,
Jerry

Hi ILMH...

Just wanted to let you know that I've seen this call-out, got your email and phone message...So sorry that I wasn't around yesterday to be of any assistance to you...I will be calling you later this afternoon...I'm SOOOOOOOO glad that the truth is finally out...I very much hope and pray that this is ALLLLLL the truth and if it's not, I would STRONGLY advise you to get it out NOW...You've received tons of helpful advice on this thread thus far, and I encourage you to continue posting, reading, asking questions and learning...

One thing that did stick out to me was the quote below...


TTH MUST become the most important thing in the world to you, yes, even more important than your son...In fact, the greatest gift that you could ever give your son is to love his father with all of your heart...Remember your wedding vows? Did they say "forsaking ALL others" or some similar wording? Ideally in your life the list of what is important should go like this...God, your husband, your child...etc...

EXCELLENT that you have taken the iniative to call the Harleys...I'm thrilled to hear that...

I need to close for now, but I'll be talking to you sometime this afternoon...

Mrs. W

your're right.(again) I don't feel as though my child is more important i just know that my family is my number one priority. I wasn't thinking about that when i was having a secret relationship. i was only thinking of myself, but i feel different now. my husbands needs are more important than anything in the world FOREVER!!! I will never lose sight of HIM for the rest of my life. He is the prize i am working for. I have to earn him back and i know he doesn't want affection from me right now, but i won't let it be said that i didn't try. I will try and try and try until he feels that i really mean it. however long it takes. i will try until he knows that he can feel safe with me.