I copied and pasted a lot of the first few days after d-day for me. These are the emotions that I felt as I went through the worst moments. They may not be what your H is feeling at all. And it has been two months now and I still have severe moments of all of the emotions I describe below, the waves just come less frequently and with less intensity than before.

I am lost. I want my DH to hold me and at the same time, I don't want to be near him. I can't remember all of the details of the past four years, but I feel like somehow they were all a lie. I don't even want to look at pictures of him because it is all tainted. I don't know what to do. If I was going to leave, I would have already. I'm angry and hurt and honestly cannot begin to explain how much I have destroyed myself thinking that I was to blame for being so suspicious without cause. Now I know that all that gut feeling was right.

I want to get past this. I need to get past this. I am hurting so much.
I know that I want to fight. I just don't know how to get past it. I don't even know the right questions to ask myself. I feel like I was just in a car crash and am in shock. I feel like nobody around me can understand. I think I know that I am in mourning and have to go through all of the steps.

I thought that I was done with denial as I had denied the affair for so many years, but now the denial is in believing his version of our marriage. I need to accept that he is making his own version to justify his actions...that he didn't spend ten years thinking of me as a roommate and not a wife.

Some moments I want to run away, some moments I know I can work through this with him. I was driving around with my preschooler this morning and realized that I needed to talk to someone. I was feeling afraid to be alone. I wanted to just take meds and fall asleep...not think about things for awhile. Escape. Not really so that I'd never wake up, but just so that I could stop my mind for a time. But when a friend asked me if I was safe, I couldn't answer.

We talked a lot last night. I asked him about details of their sexual relations. Stupid. I didn't really want to know. He told me and I crumbled. I could not handle the image. I curled up into a ball and cried. It was worse pain than when my mom died…all consuming…never-ending. I sobbed for over an hour and he did not have any way to stop me.

And I woke up this morning crying. My four year old asked why I was crying and DH told him that I had a bad dream. I'm so exhausted already and it's only been five days.

ILMH,

I was going to respond to one of your more recent responses but I thought I would respond to this one first. You said
As many here know I am big on the concept of perspective. Your statements are admirable and I am sure your H senses that they may be true but he is not sure.

But let me offer you a different perspective to consider. You don't have to "earn" him back, he did not leave. He is not a "prize" he is your H. You said "he doesn't want affection from me right now, but I won't let it be said I didn't try." These are good words, but perhaps misguided. He wants and NEEDS affection but he must trust that it is real, that is because you NEED him in your life, not because you FEAR life without him.

Here is an image I would like you to consider. You and your H are in a conference room. There is a rather long conference table and you both are to be seated. Where will you sit? At the opposite end of the table, where you and he can see each other, but there is a "comfortable" distance? Or perhaps across from each other with only the narrow width of the table separating you. You can see one another, but if you tried you could reach across and hold his hand. OR do you sit next to one another on one side of the table? So that you can both look at the tasks before you without having to pass them back and forth?

Care to guess what MY seating plan would be? Yup the later. You are easily in contact, you are looking at things from the same perspective, no turning stuff around so the other can see, and you are looking at the same sheets of paper/ computer screen/whatever.

You need to understand, that you are still married to your H. He is YOUR partner, you are not behind him two steps, you are not in front of him, you are right next to him rubbing shoulders, holding hands, struggling to figure out how to address all of this.

When I posted to you before, I made a few comments about how you should be acting. I would like to expand this abit. You need to come at this from the perspective that YOU ARE MARRIED TO THIS MAN. He loves you or he would be gone. He is very hurt, he needs someone of strength and purpose be by his side and help him. That person is YOU.

You are worried about telling him all of the details. Don't worry, if you don't lie you don't have to remember what you told him or did not. You will be triggered in the months to come and bits of conversations will come back to you. Bits of your thoughts and thinking will come back to you. You can tell him when this occurs. He needs to KNOW that you will tell him anything he wants to know that you know and you will tell him if anything comes to mind when it does.

My observation is that the most successful WS's here (one their way to FWS) are the ones that initiate conversations about their affairs and do not require the BS to "dig" for information. Sometimes a BS will think of something they want to know and ask, but your H will need to know that you are willing to start the conversation yourself. This is part of sitting "right beside him" in your life.

To that end, reread what has been posted to you, to Mrs. Zonie, to others here and see if they have been asked questions that your H has NOT asked you yet. Figure out YOUR answers to these questions and give both the questions and answers to your H. He then doesn't have to dig. When he asks a question more times than not the follow-on question is obvious, answer that as well, before he asks. In short, start to see things from his perspective abit and anticipate where he might go.

Sounds daunting doesn't it. But here is where you have a huge resource. You have a board with many stories and many people. They have been on both sides of this situation and they can and will help you by what they have posted and by answering any questions you have.

Finally, ILMH, remember us guys are a bit different than the ladies here. We are often comfortable with silence. We are used to conveying many things with our buddies while being silent about the topic at hand. Often just sitting with him, holding his hand or putting your hand on his arm is more important than a 1000 "I'm sorry's".

Please think about these things ILMH, give it time and have patience with him. And remember one thing. You need his forgiveness right? Remember he needs yours as well. He KNOWS
you would not have had this affair if he were a better H. He knows this even as he knows your affair was your choice.

God Bless,

JL

We have talked about me being a better person and being strong and a good mother. about how I am going to have to be better than i have ever been. Try knows that i have difficulty telling my thoughts which is what got us into this in the first place. If i would have just shared with him how unhappy i was and what was making me unhappy two years ago this A probably wouldn't have happened. I have had a hard time all my life with this sort of thing and I know that I have to trust him with my feelings. By not wanting to hurt his feelings two years ago, I have hurt him in the worst way possible. A lot of times during our marriage I would tell myself that it wasn't a big deal if he did something to hurt or annoy me. I know this is a problem that I have to remedy, because he can't fix something if he doesn't know about it.

ILMH,


Here is a piece of really good news for you. Given what you have done, what do you really have to hide from him now? Nothing, you can be as open and honest with him as you want. You can be a vulnerable as you want. You can tell him things you were afraid to tell him now. Why? Because he has now seen and felt some pretty horrible things. You are on bottom now and the only why out is UP.

Further, what you didn't know and may not know now is that he needed to hear these things from you. How could he change if he did not? He is not a mind reader. Further, now if there things he could do to make your marriage better and he knows you would really appreciate it if he did them, he is likely to listen to you. Don't expect miracles right now, but with time he will see things differently.

YOu chose a really poor way to handle the issues in your marriage, and you need to learn better ways to handle them. He needs to know that you are seeking better ways to handle things that bother you. This is an excellent chance to be open and honest. This is NOT about blaming him, it is about you two sitting down and discussing how you want to handle things, how he would like you to handle things, and then using the POJA, come up with a plan that you both are happy with.

It is your job to set and protect your boundaries with regards to your actions and actions you tolerate from other people. Your H has the same job, and you both have the job of deciding what the boundaries of your marriage should be and how they should be protected by each of you, and by the both of you together.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

You ask what you can do.

Very many BS's have problems with symbolism. We humans are very symbolic beings. The M ceremony is ripe with symbolism. We make deals with a handshake. Symbolism is an integral part of most sides of our life.

The A is from the BS point of view loaded with symbolism. But, from the WS point of view it is not. The A taking place in the home and in the M bed is a wholly practical arrangement, for the WS. Guess what it looks like from the BS?

I think that if you "put on a set of BS's glasses" and take a careful look into the A and investigate it for symbolism you will be sickened by what you see.

So, what can you do? Explore, use your fantasy, and investigate ways to use symbolism to demonstrate your dedication to him NOW. Find ways to demonstrate that he is NOW unique and completely irreplaceable in your life. Demonstrate that you NOW find him masculine and sexually attractive.

And, by the way: Say NOW. Telling him he has always been your number one will somehow not have the desired effect!

Thank you all for all your support and positive encouragement. I told my husband that i couldn't believe that all of you are trying to help me after knowing what I did to him. I think the worst consequence(punishment?) to this whole thing is seeing how hurt my husband is. It breaks my heart to see him so hurt and all I want to do is hold him and take the pain away. It's difficult knowing that I can't take any of it back.

I have finished painting the room and will move a new rug into there and re-arrange the furniture and I even plan on sewing new curtains just so the room will look completely different.

I hope it makes some difference. I think it will help Try.

Sometimes this seems like the toughest part. I just want to curl up and die from shame, but I understand that he needs to see me being strong. I really NEED him. He is my hero in all this. He has been the better man. He was strong when I was not, so now it's my turn to show him just how much I value HIM and only HIM. I don't want to be anywhere but in his arms.

Frank,,,,,,

This post rings SO COMPLETELY TRUE for me, personally. There are things that symbolize a lot of things, while my WS sees them as no big deal. For example, he moved out, bought new furniture including a bed. Of course, this is where him and BOW met often. Now, when we talk about him coming back home, we have fought over whether or not that bed is coming with him. He see's it as just a bed, I on the other hand do not. I tell him there is no way in GOD'S green earth that thing will EVER set foot in my house, not even as a guest bed. He says its comfortable and more expensive than our current one. I tell him I don't care if I am sleeping on rocks right now, I will never lay in that bed. He says its "just a bed"....sheeeshhhhh....

anyway, sorry for the T/J....this post just really hit home with me....

not2fun

WOW Frank. That is so elegantly put!

ILMH,

I told TTH that I would post to you to help you understand what he is going through right now. Right now your BH is living every BS's greatest fear. You have set the Dday clock back to zero after many months of false recovery. Probably in the worst possible way going from an EA to a PA in his own home. Even being a BS myself, I can't even begin to imagine the level of pain that TTH must be in right now.

Some of the things I experienced in the days following Dday were panic attacks, nightmares, chest pain, and a numb tingling feeling that made me feel I could pass out at any moment. Before LaLa's A, I always considered myself to be a strong man able to deal with any situation. I was Mr. Mellow and was able to shrug off anything that came my way. Boy was I wrong. Even today, 14 months past Dday, I still struggle with some of those feelings when I suffer a strong trigger. To give you an idea, try to imagine the worst pain you have ever experienced. Now take that pain and multiply it by like 100. That is what your BH is going through right now. His emotions are completely out of his control. He is at the mercy of his own triggers and subconscious.

So what can you do to help your BH? You've already taken some big steps by painting the room and getting rid of the rug. I know that TTH has expressed having a very difficult time with triggers even before your confession. Triggers are anything either directly or indirectly related to your infidelity. I would suggest that if you have any mementos from your former place of employment or from the OM that you throw them away, burn them, get rid of them. Anything that will remind TTH of the time you spent with the OM will be a HUGE trigger. It will never be anything other than a direct reminder of the worst pain he has ever experienced in his life and do nothing but make him relive Dday over and over again. The other thing that will make a huge difference is for you to be there for him. He needs your reassurance, empathy, love and understanding for what he is dealing with inside. Show your remorse for your choices. Express your love for him. When you offer these things from your heart, they will help give him relief from the pain he is in. He is in the battle of his life between loving you deeply and hating the choices that you have made. It is agonizing and overwhelming.

I do believe the two of you can get through this. It will not be easy. Recovery is a roller coaster ride full of highs and lows. I know you are suffering your own pain right now. I have seen LaLa deal with it for many months. You would do anything to take back the choices you made to take away the pain your BH is in right now. Unfortunately, that is not possible. What you can do is anything and everything in your power to help him work through it. Something I told LaLa in the months following Dday that may help you in dealing with your own pain.

It's not the mistakes you make in life that define who you are, it's what you do after your realize that you have made a mistake that defines who you are.

Hope this helps.......

Want2Stay

ILMH,

This is a tough time for your H and be sensitive to his triggers.

Yes, I felt the same exact things that want2stay describes, but there comes a time when you must make a decision to move on.

It's tough and it is difficult and you can't necessarily control what causes triggers.

Think of this as post traumatic stress. Something will cause a spark to rise up and remind someone of an emotion that is painful. You are wise to repaint.

I'd buy a new mattress too, if you did anything there. The sanctity of your bed has been violated.

It's easy for us as BSes to beat you up over what happened and pile on the guilt. There comes a point where you have to stop beating the horse. It's dead.

She's not a foggy wayward who still needs the 2x4s. She's a woman who'se had the fog lift and it is time to stop piling on the guilt and start encouraging her to do the positive things her H needs to decide whether or not to save this marriage and forgive her and recover.

So we root for you as a wayward who has seen the light. 99% of us BH's here would have loved to have had a wife with your attitude over her infidelity.

So good on you for recognizing what you've done. Now, focus on building from here. The house is collapsed and broken down. Clear the rubble and rebuild it from scratch.

Hitting ILMH with rubble while she is trying to rebuild won't accomplish anything. It's time for us to give her new building materials and cheer her on as she works.

Uh-Pom...obviously your post was directed at W2S's post...and I ask you to re-read the bulk of what he wrote to ILMH. Obviously it is FILLED with SPECIFIC suggestions for her to help TTH move past this pain. I saw none of that in YOUR post, however. Only an attempt to claim my DH was throwing stones at her...which he most certainly was NOT!

And since WE have followed both of these posters from the very beginning, I will answer some of your questions about their sitch...NO she did not sleep with OM in their bed, NO we do not think she is still a "foggy wayward" who needs hit with 2x4's, and NO it isn't time for TTH to "make a decision to move on" LESS THAN A WEEK FROM D-DAY!!!

Noone is trying to "pile on the guilt" or "hit her with rubble while she is rebuilding"...we are trying to help her with SPECIFIC things she can do to HELP HER HUSBAND HEAL. Want to climb down off that horse and join us?

SHEESH!!!

I would only like to add one thing, POM before I get the hayul off of ILMH's thread, but I must say this.

I believe that forgiveness can ONLY come after recovery. I believe to do so too early could be disastrous. Fogiveness can only be earned in my estimation.

Peace to all,
TTH

i agree try, it has to be earned.
it ALL has to be earned back. trust, forgiveness, etc.

not only was the house desecrated, it was done with your son in it!

ILMH

i would get rid of all of the furniture in that room as well.
i personally don't know if i could have even stayed in the same house if my wh had desecrated it in such a way. thank GOD my ex took his sordid affairs outside of my and my children's only safe place: our home.

it is going to take a lot of time on both of your parts. it reads on paper at least that you are making a true effort. one surely hopes you have truly learned your lesson. there probably would not be any second chances. i hope you see all you have to lose.

betrayed spouses go through a pain i cannot even describe. it literally sucks the life and self esteem right out of you.
give him time to sort through the lies and betrayal. there will be triggers for him for some time to come.

keep working the program, and thank God that you have a spouse who is willing to give you the chance to do so.

i tolerated entirely too much infidelity in my marriage. i know that if it were to even happen once to me again, there would be no second chances.

good luck to both of you

mlhb

Hey, I'm glad she's trying to work hard. I just feel she gets beat up too much sometimes as do other waywards here who are trying to undo what they've done.

They can't. And we often pile the guilt on. It's good to do on someone who is still foggy, but I don't think there is much to gain from doing it to someone who has had the fog lift.

I know that the BR wasn't one place where SF took place, but how can I really know. Only she does.

Thanks all, I am just catching up on the posts. Let me say first that I agree with Try. I have to earn his forgiveness. I wouldn't expect him to just forgive me on the spot. I am having a hard time doing that myself. We had our first talk with SH yesterday and it gives me reason for hope. We discussed why the affair took place and he has helped me to see that the affair took place because I DIDN'T PROTECT AGAINST MY WEAKNESSES AND THAT I LET MY GUARD DOWN!! This really helps me to understand the why. I have been struggling with this question for a long time. It puts it in perspective for me. I feel encouraged after yesterday that we can be whole again and we can heal, and as long as we heal right we can get through it and come out victorious on the other side.
Try is having a really hard day today. He is struggling so much. I know he would appreciate any support. You all have been wonderful to both of us and for that i thank everyone. I would have posted yesterday, but I promised my husband that I would put chemistry first. I have my final exam next thursday and also my placement exam for college on the mon afterwards. He is helping me so much with my self esteem and I am so grateful to him.

To all of you who have gone through the MB plan. Is there any hope that Try will love me again and feel close to me? I am feeling really down and just want to show him that I am here for him and hope that someday he will know that I do love him.

Hey ILMH...

ABSOLUTELY there is hope! If you both work the program, the program will work for you!

What's gone on since your counseling session with Steve Harley? Is there a particular reason or issue that has you feeling down today?

Mrs. W

Be patient, hon...this is a long process. Try to be strong for both your sakes. It will get easier in time. Just remember when you get impatient...think about all the months he went through hell wondering what was going on with you and coming here for help and guidance and support...all the things he did to keep fighting for you. I am not saying that to tear you down in ANY way...it is what STILL gets me through the hard days (which are much fewer and farther in between now) when I get impatient with this process. I think about all the months of heartache he waited through for me, and it seems to revive my ability to fight for however long it takes. It doesn't depress me like you may think it would, so I am hoping it will have the same effect for you.

Ask him what you can do for him. Ask him every day. If he says "nothing"-then leave him be for a while. But don't go far from him in case he does need to reach out.

Focus on your little boy...try to schedule family time together with all 3 of you that doesn't put a huge amount of pressure on the 2 of you to TALK, KWIM? Picnics, visits to the park, the zoo, etc...

Hope this helps...and don't forget- we are here for YOU, too!!

We had our second phone in with SH and I think it went well. I just feel so bad when Try tells me how disappointed he is for me and in me everyday. Believe me I am disappointed in me as well and I know he doesn't say it to make me feel bad, but it still stings. When he says it i agree with him and tell him that I am sorry about what i did and that I am trying with all my heart to show him that what I was then isn't what I am now. SH likened it to someone who gets in fights when they are drunk. They wouldn't hurt a fly sober, so they need to do what they can to stay away from being drunk. I know I'm not saying any of this very well.
Try is a good man and I know he will try very hard to get through this. I guess I just get down because he keeps telling me that he doesn't know if he'll ever get past this. I am not expecting miracles, I know I hurt him deeply and he isn't going to just spring back as if nothing happened. I don't know. I am in it for the long haul. I said whatever it takes for as long as it takes and I meant it. I know this is going to be a roller coaster and I know there are going to be good days and bad days. Sometimes a little hope is nice though...