I just read a post that cake eating affairs are the easiest to break up because the spouse I guess really can't decide who he wants to be with. Is this correct? I am doing Plan A right now but not for long.

I read that too, but always think that any affair where the WS stays in the house is a cake eater affair.

Is hubby still on the cruise, or is he at home?

He's at home. He has moved out though but keeps very strong ties at home. Doesn't want me to date others. Told me he wonders if he made the right decision in moving out again. He seems to change his mind everytime he's with the other person be it then other woman or myself. I guess I have history on my side and we have children together. He left her once to move back home so I guess it's not eveything I think it is.

And you have done a good, solid Plan A for how long?

About 6 months. He denied he was with other woman. I instinctivly did Plan A. Then found this website. Even though he moved out I still beieve he is a cake eater. I know he lies to the other woman. No one would stay with a married man who still says he doesn't want a divorce. I'm sure he's told her otherwise. I'm sure he doesn't tell her we were intimate. I wonder though still why lie to the other person. Why lie to me about the affair. I all ready know about it..why not just say yes i'm with other person and were happy. Why keep hiding it and dening it if we were truly over????

Of course he is lying to both of you. How long do you think the affair would last if he told the OW that he was still very involved with you and she was just sidepork?

The WS lies to keep the affair going. They make all kinds of promises to the OW that they love them, are leaving the wife, just waiting for this or that. It is pretty sickening. I read a bit on the OW site, and the WS's are all the same.

It would be good if you could contact her and tell her the real story.

Also you need to get ready for Plan B.

Believer thanks for your response.  Ok I see why he would lie to other woman now but why me? I know about the affair. Why not just come clean and have his side thing for good with no interference from me? Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm the side thing. That he's in this affair and happy but won't let go of our marriage. Why does he seem to just hang on? It would be easier if he just said he wants a divorce and is through with our marriage. Why keep putting me through this?

He's not going to tell you everything because even though you have stayed with him until this point, he is probably afraid that you might leave if you knew it all. I think he probably also has some level of guilt in admitting all that he does...even to himself. My FWH lied to me throughout the first two years mainly because he couldn't admit what he was doing because it bothered him too much. Not enough to stop it, mind you, and not enough to end it for FOUR years...it just went into deeper hiding.

Why would he be afraid I would leave if I knew it all? He is all ready in affair. I'm assuming it's over between us if he is with someone else..am I wrong? I guess I don't understand..why hide? I know about it. Is it because he really doesn't want to give up his marriage? So he hides it still to make sure I don't get upset enough to leave him? Don't you think the other woman would get tired of sneeking around? Don't you think she would say why do we need to sneek around now your wife knows about us?

Thanks for your replies. Believer- Is husband cake eating? What if he had contact with me during affair but no intimate contact. Is that still cake eating since he's getting some of his emotional needs met by me? Is cake eating always about the intimate contact?

Your husband is behaving just like they all do. Mine swore that he wasn't having an affair even when they were living together. It's a very strange thing. He will tell you one thing, and her something else.

Mine likes to say we were seperated. I guess that makes it OK. We weren't seperated when the affair began. If they continue to lie about the affair is that actually a good thing? Does it mean that they have some doubts about the affair partner? Or do they just lie about it so they don't have to deal with any consequences at the moment. Mine still gets defensive if I talk about a divorce. What does he want me to do be a good little wife and let him have his affair. In the meantime In shouldn't date cause I'm not like that!

Why don't the other women believe that the cheating husbands are lieing to them? Why do they believe them? Mine went on a cruise and I guarantee when he got caught he didn't tell her about calling me so many times apologizing. I'm pretty sure he excused himself to go to the restroom and made the calls secretly. If other woman and my husband are soulmates.. why not tell her the truth about calling me? Why hide that from your soulmate..I mean you can tell them anything right!!!

what you don't seem to be getting is that he wants both of you. and right now he gets both of you. if things don't work out with you he has ow and vice versa. that is why he tells all of the lies.. to appease BOTH OF YOU.

if you have been plan Aing than it is time to move to plan b and stop his cake eating.

mlhb

Puppylove,
Read the above quote again and again until it fully sinks in. You are trying to fit your WH's behavior to some model of normalcy and logic. But the truth is, your WH has 2 women waiting on him every minute of the day and doing their best to meet whichever EN he wants. The behavior of a wayward spouse is profoundly selfish, and you can see that here. You need to stop trying to apply pre-affair behavior standards to a mid-affair man. They are not the same person, so to speak.

If both you and the OW are willful participants in his little game, then he has no reason for change. His statements about Divorce and you dating are designed to control you and keep you in his twisted little lifestyle. If you have really been in Plan A for 6 months, its time to remove yourself from the situation as you are currently enabling his behavior. I think you need to go to Plan B immediately. Send him the letter, set up an intermediary that he has to go through if he wants to pass a message to you, and change the locks on your house so he can't just show up whenever he pleases.

Go dark and I think you have a very good chance of busting up the affair. Continue to do what you are doing and you will be here a year from now in the exact same situation. He is not going to choose between you and her, because he doesn't have to. To force a decision, either you or the OW will have to declare "enough".

Good luck.

He seems to pull away from me more right now. I think because if he doesn't talk to me as much I won't ask too many questions. If I ask questions he has to lie to me which makes him uncomfortable. Am I right? Or does he want her more and is using me as a back up? He left other woman once to return home. My feeling is if it was so great with her why come home in the first place. I don't think he was prepared when he returned for all the emotions he would have to work through. He second guessed himself and thought he made a mistake because he was in withdrawal and tried to return to the affair to alleviate the uncomfortable feelings. He knows I want our marriage to work. I believe he thinks I would take him back anytime so he's able to hang out there comfortably testing the waters so to speak. If someone really wants a divorce and is unhappy in their marriage won't they just file for one? I mean he has another person it's not like he'd be lonely. Or does he really not want to divorce me?

Andrew- If I decalre enough doesn't that just make his decision easier...he doesn't have to make one! Then he will go off into fantasy land and will say I was the one who wanted a divorce or I was the one who decided not to wait on him because I I really didn't love him after all or I would have waited for him!!!!!!!!
He really does think that way. He will justify his behavior by saying see I was right you really don't love me!

Do they usually choose the wife...especially if they are cake eaters or fence sitters? Since they never really choose to leave the marriage for some reason.

Are you keeping up with theotherhalf's story? THAT is what happens when the waffling between women goes on too long.

Puppylove,
He absolutely will have to make a decision if you declare that enough is enough. He will have to choose to leave the OW for good if he wants to keep you in his life. He may choose to rationalize it as you say and keep dating the OW, but she will have to meet all the ENs that you were meeting. What if your husband kept you on the side, because she CANNOT meet those needs. It won't be too long before your husband can't stand her because of all the lovebusting and unmet expectations.

Part of going to Plan B is writing a letter that outlines the path back to the marriage. You make it clear that you are cutting off contact, not because you don't love him, but because his behavior in the affair is too hurtful towards you. To protect your remaining love for him, you need to sever all contact with him until such a time as he is willing to end the affair and return to the marriage. Then you outline what you will need to accept him back, such as no contact for life, total transparency and accountability, complete honesty, marriage counselling, whatever you need.

The letter also serves as a formal, written reminder that you are not choosing divorce. You are just trying to protect yourself from his selfish and hurtful choices.

Only you can decide whether its time to go to plan B. But try and think about this objectively. You have been Plan A'ing for 6 months and your husband does not live at home. He seeks SF with you but goes on a cruise with her and then calls to apologize to you. Are you happy with this situation? Because it won't change until you change your part in it.