The people here are experts from experience and have been through this with tons of people. We've been in your shoes.

The members on this site have excellent guidance and it is much better than what you will get from family or friends.

What is on here works. I failed because I didn't follow the advice here.

I did my own thing, thinking I was "unique" and different than everyone else.

Well, I'm not and wasn't.

Don't fall into that trap.

Follow the advice given here!

You need to stop being afraid of your WW and her anger. She will blow up at you and yell at you and claim that you ruined everything. The real kicker is when she'll say that she can't trust you.

It's typical. Expect it.

You MUST do the things to protect your finances and your children.

Quit thinking about how much this hurts you for a moment and secure their future and safety.

I am quickly starting to see that you guys are indeed experts, I've followed everyone's advice thus far and everything you've predicted has heppened.
She just called me moments ago to tell me what scum I was and that I had destroyed the lives of a "good man" and his 10 year old daughter. Apparently, this OM (chaplain) got fired today for his actions. Thank God for a company that will not stand for immorality. The irony is that I had no part or knowledge of the company being informed. I don't want my wife to lose her job, my kids and I will need her help financially, which she has pledged. I just learned that my pastor made the call yesterday, feeling an obligation to inform a company which he has worked with very closely (in funerals)about a predator in their ranks.
Her reaction was just as you guys predicted. She immediately blamed me and assumed I had blown the whistle. In reality, she shouldn't have been surprised when they were outed, I know she has confided in many of her coworkers...and we all know how juicy gossip gets spread.
I am sticking with Plan A at this point. I am hoping this OM will see this as a punishment from God and fear losing even more. I am hoping that my wife will ralize that there are indeed consequences to her actions, and come to her senses.
Thanks Again for the input...I really needed someone with an unbiased opinion.

This is a good start.

You say she doesn't know the passwords for anything and that you've moved the joint accounts into an individual one...that's good too. Make sure you close or freeze any jointly held credit cards, or she might run up the balance on those and stick you with the bill.

You should also look into outright closing the joint accounts. Your name is still on them, and if she bounces a check, you could be liable for part of the penalty. Call your bank(s) and find out what they can do. It may be as simple as taking your name off the account. Don't forget to update your direct deposit; it may take a pay period to go into effect. Get the particulars from your employer.

Have you changed the locks on the house yet? Have you consulted an attorney yet concerning abandonment and a temporary custody order?

Whether she loses her job or not is not your problem. Her own choices have created the risk that she may lose her job...your telling people the truth about her actions merely allows those people to make informed choices. If she has violated a work policy, then losing her job is a possible consequence of her actions. You mentioned that she is staying with her boss; does her boss really know what's going on? Have you spoken to him or her?

Keep reading up on plan A. Remember to be pleasant but firm when you speak to her. Don't let her pull you into fights. Find the posts here on reverse fog babble and read up.

You're doing great.

Aband,

"She just called me moments ago to tell me what scum I was and that I had destroyed the lives of a "good man" and his 10 year old daughter."

You, of course, tell her, "it was not I, but the "good man"'s own actions (and your WW's) that destroyed him."

You must now hunker down, Plan A your A off, be her rock and support while she is buffeted by her fears and guilts she will be experiencing when the "good man" realizes that she may just not be worth it.

Do not respond to her violent fog-babble towards you.

She is gone, but is she living with the OM presently? I am not clear on that. If she is with him, things should implode much quicker, so be ready for a tearful apologetic call from her shortly.

Stay strong!

kirk

She is not living with him. In fact, he is 4 hours away from her and they communicate constantly by phone, only having one face to face encounter (that I know of) after our initial meeting.. This could be either a good thing or a bad thing from my perspective...I'm not sure!

Abandoned,

Pep posted just about exactly what I was going to post. Follow her suggestions especially with regard to the legal actions. You being the man are at a huge disadvantage in a divorce when it comes to custody. Protect your family and yourself.

Your job is YOU and your children, not her. I know this sounds harsh and you have already been told this but listen up. You cannot educate your W, you cannot preach to her, you cannot enlighten her, and you should NOT manipulate her. Even plan B is about YOU not her. It is to preserve your love for when the affair ends. The odds are high that it will end, the timing is not known. What is known is that if your love bank (as Harley puts it) is empty, recovery is very very unlikely. Recovery is not for wimps and is a very demanding as the WS goes through withdrawal just as a drug addict does.

Pomb mentioned that these situations are all the same or something of that sort. He is correct. One of the most amazing things I have learned in the 9 years I have been around here is how common the actions, the words, the thinking is during an affair. That is good news because that means that the actions and plans that Harley espouses actually do have a good probability of working in your situation.

You should plan A. This means exposure, it means you setting boundaries and enforcing them, it means showing the spouse that things can be worked out. You will feel like a doormat, but you are NOT a doormat. The only reason you are not at the lawyer right now filing for divorce which you have every right to do, is because you have choosen to fight for your marriage. It will be your choice when you chose to NOT fight for your marriage. That will come when you KNOW the time has come. So don't worry about that.

Plan B is also about prolonging how long you can remain and fight for the marriage but it does remove the day to day drain of the WS's incredible behavior.

Your fight has just begun, get the legal things sorted out NOW. Read about reverse babble, keep a sense of humor (some of the things a WS will say are absolutely amazing and have from time to time been catelogued on this site). A do remember you are dealing with an alien that looks just like your W. The idea is to hang on long enough for your real W to be beamed down from the mothership, when the aliens tire of her.

Hang in there, the fight has just begun. The folks here have seen it many times before, it sounds as if you are getting excellent support from your clergyman. I am also happy to hear that OM's organization has morals and a backbone to go with it.

I am just sure you have been planning to have him fired for years and you planned and made your W run off with him so that he could be fired. Right????? Yeah, sure. You are just beginning to hear the "voices from the fog". More is coming, hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

Is the phone she uses to communicate with him a cell phone? Do you pay for this cell phone? Cut it off if you do.

They spoke on their company cell phones.

Can anyone direct me to posts about "fog babble" or "reverse babble?"

Putting your legal ducks in a row is priority #1

do that ASAP

Pep

Is it normal that my wife would change her story about the OM on a daily basis. It almost feels like she is backing away from her devotion to him, but she isn't yet willing to put any efforts into me. At first, he was just someone she had confided in. Later, he became the man she had met at a hotel 2 hours away. The next day, she attempts to dagger me in the back by telling me how they made mad passionate love, and telling me she is in love with him and has never felt this way about any other man. On Sunday, he returned to just being a friend again. Yesterday, she tells me that they weren't physical at all, as she was on her cycle and today he is a "good man" who doesn't deserve this, he was only a close companion. What the .#$!@#$? I'm getting dizzy here. I think I'm starting to understand fog babble, even though I haven't found any posts on it.

abw3,

You MUST take action to legally protect yourself and the children.

Trust me, trust me, trust me!

A WW will take advantage of your trust and your love to lower your guard and then hose you when you least expect it.

Let her fund her own infidelity.

She will say venemous, hateful, and hurtful things to you.

She'll tell you that she can't trust you. She'll say that YOU aren't the man she knew and that the man she knew would never do such a thing or she'll say that she never thought YOU were capable of such attrocities (you know, exposing the affair?).

She'll say that you've ruined any hope you guys had and that she could never return to someone who was so low.

She'll say that you're motivated by anger and revenge.

She'll tell you he's the greatest thing ever.

She'll say that you sucked as a husband and will list off your transgressions, bringing stuff from so far back that you're amazed.

You'll wrestle with that stuff because you'll think, "She's still mad about THAT? That was so long ago. How could she still be mad about it? She's twisting what happened into something much worse!"

It's going to happen.

She'll also try to introduce OM to the kids. She'll say, "the kids will be ok" or "millions of people divorce and are ok".

You'll hear rationalizations. You'll hear about how she fell for him because she was vulnerable and he was telling her things she wanted and needed to hear but that you were too selfish/self centered/insensitive/terrible to say to her.

You'll be told that you suck as a husband and she'll rattle off the most mundane and weird reasons why. Some are valid. A lot aren't.

Take her off the financial stuff and cut off her access. This isn't to punish her. It's to protect your and your kids assets.

Cancel all credit cards in your name that she has access to.

All joint cards must be cancelled or she will max them out.

This is your wakeup, bro. Don't be among the men who cower when the WW lashes out and so they get emasculated and believe that appeasement will keep their WW happy and have her come back.

She may even twist things to tell you that if you don't make things ugly and nasty that she sees you together down the road eventually after a "break".

You'll want to believe her but DON'T!

You're dealing with a wayward. Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.

We're rooting for you.

Aband,

So she is living separate from you, in your town?

"one face to face encounter (that I know of)"

For your WW to be soooooo far gone to ABANDON you and the kids makes me think that it was more than one and almost had to be going on longer than a couple weeks.

Or she is very, very impulsive.

Could she have known him prior to you both meeting him?

Not that it matters that much. But I know just after my Dday, I totally went into detective mode, spending hours going over phone bills, searching emails and internet.

Stay strong,

kirk

I have taken care of all of the financial issues you guys keep pointing out. The only thing I haven't done is to see a lawyer about custody of the kids, and here is why. As I explained previously, our 2 year old daughter is still technically a foster child. Her adoption should have been finalized within the next 60 days. I am afraid to introduce my attorney into this, as she is also the attorney for our local DSS. I am afraid they will remove this child from my home and not allow me to adopt her as a single father. I don't know the laws concerning this and I suppose I haven't yet decided what I should do in her regard. I know that my WW doesn't have any money with which to hire an attorney yet, and I feel comfortable knowing that she abandoned us (and admitted it to everyone), alienated my affection, and committed adultery. Maybe I just don't understand the legalities of all of this, especially concerning the 2 year old.

Our 2 kids are ours through the foster/adoption system ...

all the more reason to firm up the legalities.

The authorities will not yank the 2 year old out of a loving home (yours) .... but they might consider you unsuitable for adoption if they later get proof of fraud and deception on your part. This may delay the adoption proceedings (and, it should if you think about it) .... but I seriously doubt they will remove your child.

You cannot pretend (to the agency) that everything in your home is hunky-dory ..... it's NOT.

You must protect these children from Mr Snake .... and protect them from your impulsive irrational wife (at least until she returns to her senses)

Pep

This is exactly what I suspected when I read his posts at the beginning.

Pep is right. If DSS gets wind of this they're going to wonder why you didn't speak up. You NEED to get your attorney on board with this. He can advise you best how to handle this situation. You don't even know if this is a permanent change or just a temporary one. Best get the legal help you need before you mess up the process.

I am 90% certain that we all met for the first time that day. However, I thought I was 100% certain what kind of person my wife was, so........

I will speak with my attorney ASAP about the baby!

WS's lie, to everyone, but to themselves mostly. They have to. Think about it, what they are doing doesn't make sense. The mental gymnastic required to get themselves into that situation are pretty incredible. Stop worrying about what she's saying, start watching what she's doing.

A good example of reverse babble you could have used: when she's raving about you getting a good man fired you ask "wow, I wonder why they would fire him? What did he do to get fired?" Then offer her a cookie.

The more detached you can remain from your WW's abuse the better off you will be. She is (and probably has) seared your brain with meanness you never imagined. Its very difficult to not let this stuff get to you, but as others have said, your WW is NOT your W. So try to separate yourself emotionally from the situation and do what you need to do to put yourself and your kids in the best possible position, all while sucking it up and doing the best Plan A you can.

Good job getting OM fired. Nothing like some reality smacking some [censored] in the face, eh? What is the employer going to do about WW?

I don't know what they will do about WW. I did call the pres. of the company earlier to discuss this with him, but he hasn't called me back yet. I'll let you guys know!

Prayers going up for you and your family from Southern California.

I would suspect that your wife has become somewhat disconnected from the family. Her job is a high stress one, and having a friendly ear from someone she works with just blew everything out of the water.

Now he lost his job, and will be scrambling. He is a predator and may soon look for easier pickings.

Hang in there, and concentrate on protecting your family. I think she will be back rather quickly.