Just found out about wife's recent infidelity. It happened about a month ago during a 5-day trip she had with her flight instructor (she's learning to fly). I found out 2 weeks later after repeatedly putting MAJOR pressure on her, about my instincts telling me something's wrong and she finally gave in to the pressure.

We have been making some progress since then - I have worked through most of my anger and at this point I am just hurt more than anything else. I realize now how extremely unhappy she was in the relationship - but she could never really express that to me before, and maybe I wasn't very good at listening to that.

I believe her when she says this is the first time, and since then I've insisted that she change instructors and never speak to HIM again, which she has done.

The issues we are having now is that I am still somewhat untrusting and frankly a bit insecure. I can see this is frustrating her - and I know I can only push her so far - as she is dealing with major guilt on top of all the unhappiness she was feeling before the affair. I am definitely not myself these days.

I think I have come to the conclusion that re-living the affair in my head is no longer (maybe it never was) productive. So, anything that triggers those terrible images, I just try to recognize it and think about something else. Is that ill-advised?

I think it's important for us to have "good times" and not be all "heavy duty" talking all the time. I am way more chomping at the bit to get our marriage in a better state so that she is happy - but she is reluctant and sometimes a little hopeless that we CAN get back on track. Mostly she thinks we can, but when I'm being "needy" in her words, basically wanting her around and not wanting to leave or for her to leave the house, it is hard on her.

I do feel in my heart that I can trust her again, it's just not nearly at the level now that it was before the affair, and I don't know how long it will take to get back up, and how much pain she can take of me being insecure, jealous, and checking up on her.

FYI this was a one-time fling that lasted for a 5-day trip, and I coerced her into admitting it 2 weeks later, so it may not be the "typical" affair.

I think we are making some real progress, but it's just so SLOW! Any helpful advice would be greatly appreciated.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I'm glad you have found us. It is a great place to be under the circumstances.

You are very new in all of this, and NO, you can't trust your wife right now. You would be foolish to do that. She has not proven herself trustworthy yet.

It will take you about 2 years before you feel normal again. So please don't think that things are going slow. And you have every right to have all of your questions answered, and have all of the details of the affair. Please don't make the mistake of just sweeping it all under the rug, and pretending it didn't happen. That is a common reaction, and leads to more affairs.

"FYI this was a one-time fling that lasted for a 5-day trip, and I coerced her into admitting it 2 weeks later, so it may not be the "typical" affair."

Just be prepared that more info may come out. It's very hard for WS to own up to everything all at once.

So, in other words, it took five days or less for your W to forgo the marital vows she made to you?

I suspect that this is probably not the first time that your W has engaged in adulterous behaviour.

How long have you been M'd? Are there any children involved?

If you haven't read all the articles on this site, that would be a good thing to do. And I think the book His Needs, Her Needs is definitely worth getting.

First of all, I doubt it just happened like that. The sex might have, but it surely took longer to build up than 5 days.

Secondly, you need to disclose this information to her instructor's superior. No way in he11 should this guy be allowed to pressure students into sleeping with him. I might even sue the guy or the company. He shouldn't be allowed to get away with this.

Married almost 7 years - 3 and 6 yr old boys at home.

Yes, I have thought of ONE other occassion that she might have strayed, and brought that up recently and she looks me in the eye and denies it, so, not really much I can do I guess. I have made it clear I do not trust her - but as to previous affairs, well, jeez, she says no and if I keep asking it just makes her more upset or she just keeps saying no.

I'm wondering how far I can go with this non-trust thing in terms of her carrying on her daily routine.

She still goes the same school (changing schools would be a HUGE life-jolting change for both of us) and now I just make sure she calls me when she lands, telling me when she's coming home, etc. I am *mostly* comfortable with this. If there were another school available I would have her switch, but there isn't, and I see her flight logbook, there just isn't time for her to be continuing this affair. I'm also checking her email and phone records and they are clean.

I do get quite anxious when she leaves for her flight lessons, though, usually 4 times a week. I also get anxious when she goes out with her friends, usually once a week. I want her to have fun, I do not want to suffocate her. I want her to be happy. It was apparently her unhappiness that led to this mistake (her words, a mistake). She said she had just given up on the marriage prior to the affair. Looking back, I believe her. I am a lot more intellectual than she is, and without even realizing it always win all arguments and can be (again without realizing it) be very manipulative. I often "talk for her", and a list of other things that have made me not such a great husband and not very open to her expressing her unhappiness. Don't get me wrong, I don't think the affair is my fault, but I do honestly believe how she characterizes it - just as strongly as I believed something was amiss when she was off on the trip with the instructor.

I guess that is what I'm trying to figure out, how much can I act on the lack of trust. yes, she needs to earn it, but at the same time, I have things I have to improve also. I've already been improving a lot of things (prior to the affair) and still improving - so being a total drag and not letting her out of the house would seem to counteract some of that. I don't know. So confused!!!

I agree with that 100% but unfortunately that would also tarnish my wife's name - and would probably eliminate any chance of her working for the same company - which is about the ONLY place she could work after getting properly licensed. Of course I've made it clear that HE would have to move on before I'd allow her to work there.

Believe me, if it didn't have real potential to sink her career before it's even started, I'd have told his superiors. I've traded emails with school owner, a woman, about other things. It would be SO easy- but then they'd lose all respect for my wife as well and I'm just not so sure I want to "out" her the general public like that in addition to the severely career-damaging potential.

And yes, it did build up over the 2 months he was instructing her. Started with flirting "could be friendly could be more than friendly" kind of stuff. I think she knew that once they were shaing hotel rooms, though, that it was on. I am still kicking myself for not putting my foot down on that.

Yeah, you might want to store that in the permanent memory so that when you are enforcing boundaries down the road you don't back down. You can certainly learn that if it looks like an A and smells like an A...

Choosing not to follow the advice of Marriage Builders in exposing the affair to the light will more than likely come back to bite you in the butt. I never wanted to embarass my WH, nor involve his or my family or the kids. I carefully took it all on myself to so gracefully protect him and any pain or discomfort that he might feel. GAG!!

All it did was prolong the inevitable and I went through it for years, losing alot of my own dignity (my fault)!!! It just showed him that my boundaries are weak and I will put up with just about anything.

Read up and follow the guidelines to the T if you want to have any hope of getting on the Recovery boat. And it takes years to recover so don't prolong it. I know it's hard and you are in shock and wanting it to not be as bad as it is.

Hang in there and come here for guidance. Lots of very good advice.

Good luck!

I have considered telling his employer, for sure. Yes, it is partially to protect my wife - if the school disavows both of them (the likely outcome) then she has no flying career anymore unless we pick up and leave town - which I don't want to do. She was already at the end of the rope in our marriage when this happened. If I take drastic measures at this point, it will almost guarantee a divorce - which I do not want. So, not telling his employer is just as much for me as for her - in a weird kind of way.

It sounds like you're allowing fear to govern your actions.

I did the same - I didn't expose when I should have. The end result was that I went through several torturous months while they still worked together and I'm experiencing a difficult recovery with a somewhat unengaged FWW.

I would have preferred either a D on MY terms upon disclosure or a fully-engaged FWW. I firmly believe that exposure on D-Day would have given me one of those two options.

You should not trust her until she becomes trustworthy. That will take a long term demonstration of trustworthy behavior and most especially, an end of all contact with the OM. You should not trust her if she continues to see him at school.

That is about like trusting an alcoholic to stay sober while sitting in the bar staring at a drink. Eventually, a weak moment will collide with opportunity and she will back at it.

Recovery is impossible until all contact ends. That means that she quit the school and never see him again.


Divorce is also "life jolting" and that is where you are headed with this scheme. Your marriage will never recover as long as they are still in contact. She will never withdraw and you will live every day wondering if today is the day she gives into an irresistable temptation. Restoration of trust will be impossible [as you already know] It is like dying a death of a thousand cuts.

Anyway, I only want to make sure you understand what you are signing on for with this set up. It won't be pretty and your marriage will never recover this way.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through he11. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

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We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Lifechoice post on THE AFFAIR ADDICTION http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2048341&fpart=1

Quote:
He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE.


I can certainly attest to this. My situation is a prime example of what not to do. I kept myself stuck in withdrawal for over 2 years because I continued to work with my FOM. In these 2 years I had no desire to get back into the A, I just couldn't break free of my addiction.

After I ended the A I learned about the addiction part of it and agreed it was a huge part of it. The scary part of the addiction is during the 2 years FOM and I worked together I didn't even realize how much I was still addicted to him. We did our best to remain professional, but the addiction was still there and kept me very stuck. I couldn't get over certain aspects of the A, but couldn't figure out why. (duh). I thought I had a good handle on it, but in all reality I didn't. It wasn't until after FOM left our employer and moved out of town that I finally could get through withdrawal. I should also add it was this bad for me and I only worked about 6 days a month. I can only imagine it would be much worse for someone who works with the AP on a full-time basis.

Now every time I read where AP's are still working together I just cringe. I wasted 2 years of my time in withdrawal and at the same time for one of the years trying to rebuild my marriage. Talk about a lot of mental anguish and conflict.

My advice to everyone from a BTDT POV, a WS needs to get as far away from the AP as they can.

LC

HS,

You need your wife to write a No-contact letter to this OtherMan (OM).

The NC letter needs to state that the affair was a mistake and that she plans to work on the marriage with you.

I am split on the exposure issue. In my own case, exposure did not happen, only because exposure was not an issue for me - the affair ended the moment I discovered it. I'm not the person to ask about exposure, but in most cases, the only way to stop the affair is to expose it. You may very well have to expose the affair, and move.

That's the hard truth. If the affair continues, that is the way it will come down.

Your choice, HS, but you have to know that up front. The majority of members will tell you to expose. Here's why: if the two of them keep seeing each other every day, the likelihood of them doing this again goes way up. Despite your expectation of her stopping, it might for awhile, but then again, it is quite likely to start up again after a bit. They might just get better at not getting caught.

Some bits of advice:

Install a keylogger on your computer. That way, you will know if she opens a secret email and you can track it.

No, you should NOT trust her. And you won't - not for a long time. Don't expect a magic trust-button to be pushed and BAMMO! you trust her again. Won't happen.

She will tell you that the marriage was terrible. Of course she will tell you that. That is crap. If she was unhappy in the marriage, she is 50% responsible for that, and make no mistake about that. This decision to have an affair is NOT your fault, and she made it entirely on her own. IF YOU HAD VOTED - YOU WOULD HAVE VOTED "NO" ON THE AFFAIR - RIGHT? And if you had KNOWN she was contemplating an affair due to being unhappy, you would have changed your behavior, right? So where in this is HER responsibility? Both places. She didn't tell you her needs, and she chose to sleep with another man. And those couple of months of flirting before the sex took place - if she had spent that time talking to you about her feelings of need and wanting to fix things.......how much repair could have been done?

Don't take that blame - it is hers.

You do have your own share of blame for the condition of the marriage, and for what you really did or didn't do, certainly. But don't go taking blame that belongs to her. If you do that, you do not have a good footing on recovery. She needs to recognize where she went wrong, and you do, too.


Own only what is yours to own, and do not own hers.


Give her the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, and you fill one out, too.

Then, go about talking about them, and how best to meet one another's needs. Sounds like you two need some time together, doing positive things.


SB

This was on this weeks Marriage Builders Q&A newsletter that comes out via email [to get on the list, go to the home page here and sign up for the newsletter] http://www.marriagebuilders.com/index.html

Requirements for Recovery from an Affair


- - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear K. R.,

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bc
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

Best wishes,

Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Hey SB, did you catch that they are still in contact? The WW and her OM go to the same school. There are no plans to change this. So a nc letter would be useless since they are in contact and intend on staying that way.

There is a post started on this forum asking what is meant by a BS's fog.



Your statement is inscribed in gilded scripture above that schoolroom's doors.

Do you want to be married or do you want your wife to continue her schooling with a flying life support system for a p*nis.

Can't have both.

Can't be done.

No way .

No how.

I don't think you understand. The question is, do you want to move to a different town and recover your marriage, or do you want to have your WW continue cheating on you and get divorced? Those are the options. Allowing your WW to go to the school that OM teaches at is playing Russian roulette with your marriage until one of them leaves. If you keep spinning the revolver, eventually you are going to get hit with a bullet. I'd hate for you to become an every other weekend dad because you failed to expose and now WW and OM are living in a house that you still pay the mortgage on because you didn't take this threat to your family seriously enough.

You need to get your WW out of this school and expose this affair. That's the only way to protect your marriage and family from further damage. Do what you will with that advice.

The words of Dr. Willard Harley, Jr, a clinical psychologist with 35 years successful experience recovering marriages from adultery:


<snip>