It is tough man. I know exactly how you feel. I remember vividly on D-Day my W confessing "yes, I f'd him!"

And I don't know why that even hurt. Because I already KNEW she had. I had known for months! What difference did her SAYING what I knew was true make?

I think its because even though I KNEW, I didn't really KNOW. There was just a shred of doubt, her confessing took away my ability to fool myself. It took away the self denial.

So yes, it hurt, but it was also a relief to know that I wasn't crazy. To know that everything I'd thought and felt and suspected were not a delusion, that I WAS through all that time operating in reality, as much as my WW had tried to twist it.

I think your situation is somewhat similar TTH. You knew the truth, you just didn't WANT it to be true. The fact that she voluntarily cam and told you, to me, that is a very good thing. It is something that my W, months into recovery, has still struggled with. I just had to drag a truth out of her a few weeks ago.

So try to realize, this truth you've learned, its a product of your recovery efforts. Its probably hard to see that, but it is.

TTH,


Mine and LaLa's relationship was envied by friends and family. We were the perfect couple. If people knew what happened in our situation they would be SHOCKED. You are right, it does make what happened that much harder to believe. I know it has for me. In time, your perspective on this will change though.


I hear you man. This is very hard to come to terms with. You have been here long enough to know the mantra. You were both 50% responsible for the state of the M that left your DW vulnerable to the A, but she is 100% responsible for making the choice. I know that doesn't offer much comfort in your current mindset, but that will change with time also. I feel much the same way as you that by and large I felt that LaLa and I had and above average relationship and M. It makes what happened that much more difficult to accept. What I have learned though is that everything may have appeared this way on the surface, there was something beneath the surface that allowed this to happen. There were cracks, no matter how small, that left my DW and your DW vulnerable to the OM. In our situation, neither of us saw it coming until it was to late. Obviously, it's still no excuse or justification for her choice. Being able to detach enough to see this will serve you well in recovery.


Great to hear, TTH! It is obvious from your and ILMH's posts that there is still a great deal of love between the two of you. As long as that love is there you can have hope to recover your M. Here is a quote that BobPure posted to LaLa recently that really struck a chord with me. Maybe it will help you also.

BobPure:

I think that is what you have. A truly remorseful FWW that will help you to heal. I think Bob is absolutely correct that it is the magic pixie dust to recovery. I won't be easy, just try to take things one day at a time and you will get there. Hope this helps. Keep the faith.......

Want2Stay

Thank you again.

I know that I'm preaching to the choir, but it helps immeasurably to gain perspective and support through this, from you who are involved in similar tragedies.

I am really reeling from this latest information, and am swinging wildly from one emotion to another. Just cecking back in when I have a chance and finding another post from a concerned friend helps to steady me if only temporarily.

The support I have found here is a true life saver.

I can only hope that ILMH's intentions are true and her effort consistent and enduring.

Thank you all. I know I would be in a much worse place right now without you.

TTH-

Im just catching up on your thread now.

I am so sorry for the pain you are in. It is made all that much worse because you did not get full disclosure from the beginning so any new disclosures set you back to day 1. You've recovered a bit, gained some ground and then found out that the ground you started to build underneath you has given way. As others have said, it is really best not to make any major decisions right now. You need to give yourself some time to recover.

In no way do I want to negate your pain but in a way, this is a positive. Your W is finally demonstrating that she is getting it. Telling you was a way back to intimacy, an attempt to pull closer to you, to recommit back to the M. It is a horrible pain that you have to endure but it may be a way back. IF your W can do what is necessary.

My H also brought the OW to our home, and F'd her while I was in the hospital having surgery. At my most vulnerable. It is still something that I struggle with daily, 2 years post d-day. I understand all too well the feeling of not having a sanctuary. Your own home becomes the ultimate triger. Nothing seems safe anymore. I know in my own case, my H doesnt understand, even to this day, what this has done to me.

It seems like what she has done is the WORST thing possible. The fact of the matter is - it is just one more thing in a long list of sordid stories that we hear about. Because affairs suck.

Want2Stay,

If I could ask a favor, ILMH is really trying to better understand the dynamics of our situation from the BS perspective. I feel like you and I are similar in how we have approached our situations, our need to analyze, and the need for information.
Would you mind posting to her thread? LaLa has quite a bit, and is always spot on with her observations.

I think you could be a real help to ILMH.

Thanks.

TTH,

I have planned to post to your DW at some point. Unfortunately, my schedule is crazy and I don't have much time for posting. Plus, I wanted to give it some time for my own triggers to subside before I started posting to the two of you. I still have a hard time being on MB and reading of others peoples tragedies because it tends to make me dwell on my own situation. As soon as I can find time though I will post to your DW. Maybe you should consider going on AD's for a while. I started taking them about a week ago and it is helping me.

Want2Stay

W2S - I understand completely. I read a bit of Bob's "Ultimate Price" thread yesterday and almost broke down. I had stayed off of here for a while for the very same reasons. The triggers are a real b*tch.

I wish you peace my friend.

Try - I recommend you get a prescription for some anti-depressants.

W2S - You are absolutely correct about the pixi-dust. I'm so pleased you are doing better!

ILMH and I just had our first phone session with Steve H this morning, and had a lengthy discussion afterward including another clarification of a deceit that she had not yet divulged (not a really major thing, but an untruth nonetheless).

I feel cuatiously optimistic, and believe that we are finally attempting recovery for real together. She is saying a lot of the right things, and I know that she CAN do it if it's truly what she wants and it's important enough to her. She alone will make that determination.

I hope for the best, and will do whatever I can to continue to support, affirm and encourage my DW to become everything good I know she can be, as I have always done. I have never stopped honoring both my commitment to her which pre-dated our nuptuals, and our vows that followed.

I know this will not be easy. There is a large deep and murky swamp full of hazards that we must try to get through, but I believe that there is a beautiful paradise on the other side waiting for us if we can get there together.

I thank all of you who have helped. You truly have made a huge difference. And I thank all of you who will continue to help us navigate this difficult and treacherous journey we have ahead of us. ILMH has really just started her journey of discovery, and any assistance for her is greatly appreciated as well.

This is by no means a sign off. We will stay here and continue posting, as it helps immeasurably, and there is still so much to learn and understand for me and "ilovemyhubbie". We will keep you all updated, and stay in close contact.

I know that the success stories here have always been a source of inspiration and hope for me, and God willing, our story may some day provide hope for someone else who needs it. (Though I wish no-one ever did...)

God bless you all.

Peace,

TTH & ILMH (Together)

TTH - I haven't been posting to you because you've had some excellent advice going on but I just read your last post and it made me proud. Proud of MB and the folks here for reaching out to others. Proud for you and proud for ILMH. You guys are gonna make it. I just know it. I may not be posting... but I'm a prayin'.

and then this...


Ah, the beauty of Marriage Builders! So happy to read this update!

Mrs. W

Thanks, Meg.

I am here for you whenever you need till the end of time. I love you.

BUCKCHERRY LYRICS
Song by Buckcherry
"Sorry"

Oh I had a lot to say was thinking on my time away
I missed you and things weren't the same
Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me want to die
I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry I'm blue, I'm sorry about all things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all you're sounds, and baby the way you make my world go round
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry:
This time I think I'm to blame it's harder to get through the days
You get older and blame turns to shame
[Pre-Chorus]
[Chorus]
Every single day I think about how we came all this way
The sleepless nights and the tears you cried it's never too late to make it right
Oh yeah sorry!
[Chorus]

You two are going to make me cry. Now stop it!

Big ditto from me Pom. Great job IMLH. Hang in there TTH, we are all here for you cheering you on. I'll post more for you soon. I promise you it will get better.

Want2Stay

TTH,

Just checking in to see how you are doing. Let the people here help you. Hang in there........

Want2Stay

Thanks, Man.

It helps to know there's support.

I'm having a really hard time getting by these days. The thought of how intententional her actions were is really hard, and I really struggle mightily with the imagery.
What's most painful is knowing how senseless and unnecessary it all was, that it could just as easily turned out not to be physical if only...

The thoughts will fade with time. It is a waste thinking about the "what ifs". I suggest the two of you spend 15 hours a week doing fun things together to start building a better marriage and new closeness.

The images will be in your head for a long time. You may need some help from someone professional to teach you how to break the thought process. It's very hard to have those images rush to your head when you're trying to just carry on your everyday affairs.

I remember how bad it was and how hard it was. The difference between your situation and mine is that you have a WW that is remorseful and sorry and trying to be understanding of your pain. I didn't and was made to feel like crap for feeling a completely normal thing that every BS I've spoken to here feels.

The images will get better with time. It will help to replace those images with new ones of your own.

There is a real closeness that can develop when making up and a real warmth to be felt when letting go of the past and embracing this new person who wishes you could forgive her and hold her and comfort her as much as she wants to do to you.

Celebrate the new chance you have in your marriage. The pain will fade in time.