Thanks for all the comments guys.

Yes, the enabler GF. What to do?

Little background if I haven't related it before. GF is a 20 something piece of work. Met her husband and married him 66 days later and then filed for divorce 1 week after their first anniversary. Immediately found the new "love of her life". I strongly suspect that she was having an affair before she filed, but I don't know that for sure. And it's always drama with her and the new love.

WW met this GF when we relocated a year and a half ago. This GF is WW's only friend in the area. WW has completely distanced herself from her real friends of 20 or more years because they called b.s. on her when she tried to tell them how terrible our marriage was and how OM was "the perfect guy" (yeah, serial cheatin, alcoholic, abusive POS is the perfect guy). So now she hangs on to the enabler GF because she's the only one who will tell her what she wants to hear. You know what I'm talking about. "Your husband is an animal". "Do what makes you happy". "You have to live your life for you". "The kids will be fine with a divorce if they know you're happy". It all makes me want to puke.

So we all know the GF needs to go, but how do you make that happen? If I say anything, I'll just be more controlling. SH told me that the GF wasn't an issue, that she would disappear if WW would end contact and agree to work on the marriage. But how is that going to happen when GF encourages WW to NOT work on the marriage and I suspect NOT end contact with the POS OM?

Anyway, yesterday was a pretty good day. After her mood swing Friday night after I got back from going out to dinner I thought for sure she'd wake up pissy, but she didn't. Actually pretty nice to be around. Did yard work together all day, but then by evening WW's mood had taken another swing for the worse. It's amazing how her moods can swing on a dime. We're outside having a good day working together, come inside and have some dinner, I take DS16 out driving and when we get back, bam...crappy mood for the rest of the night. What's up with that? Is it more of the NC/WD crap?

I found myself thinking last night that even if WW comes around and wants to work on the marriage, I'm not sure if I won't be the one to end it. I'm just not sure what I want right now and I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to wait for her to figure it out. Every day I feel myself thinking more and more that the kids and I would be better off without her.

Guess I should give it some time and not make any hasty decisions right now. Like it mentions in the book "not just friends", don't make any decisions while your emotions are so raw.

HFU,

I believe I recall that she will not leave the house because it was speculated she might lose custody of the children. I don't that is an issue any longer is it? Your son wants to be with you and has stated such.

My suggestion is to consider revisiting the plan B with her moving out. Sit down and talk with your W in a very calm manner that her ups and downs are driving everyone crazy and you fear that you will end up not wanting to remain in this marriage, would she please consider plan B.

I fear that if this continues althought there seems to be improvement that when she finally decides to work on the marriage, you simply will not be willing to do so. I would strongly encourage you to speak with a counselor and most definitely one of the Harleys if you can.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL.

Here's my plan. I'm going to continue with the Plan A stuff for now. Her mood swings were really severe this weekend. But the bad moods were clearly not as long as they've been before she went back to being ok again. Really, for the most part, the last week as been more ok than not. Sunday evening (after a good most of the day) WW went off on DS16 for no reason. Before I could say anything to her he defended himself and told her she was nasty and acting like a bit*h (ok, he didn't use THAT word, but he got his point across). But then not too long later she's back in an ok mood.

So, with her mood swings, it seems like to me WD. I plan on playing it like it is and give her another month or so to see if she begins moving more towards the marriage. If around the begining of July she's not made any more progress, I'm then going to have the "this isn't working your way as obviously you're either still in contact with OM or you have no intention of trying. Now it's either my way or plan B" talk.

I don't think another month and a half will completely bankrupt my love bank. It's pretty much bankrupt now anyway, but there's still enough there that if SHE would commit, agree to transparency and work on the marriage, I could get there.

Funny thing is, there are times when I see her trying and see glimpses of my real wife back. I just don't want to blow it in the 4th qtr by pushing RIGHT NOW because it's still only 5 weeks supposed NC and 5 weeks post exposure to the kids (which I know she is still angry about).

I know a number of people here think I should push the envelope right now (Hi TYK!), but things will be pretty busy for the next month and a half on the home/kids front which if she is NC should help her come around. If she hasn't by early July, then it's Plan B for ME!

Personally, H4U, I think Tyk has been "spot on".

Now you're planning to "wait and see" for another month and a half ... just WHAT has changed that would indicate that a month and a half would change ANYTHING???

What has changed? 5 weeks ago she claims she ended contact with OM. 5 weeks ago I exposed to my kids. WW very angry and non-communicative for about the first 3 weeks after that.

The last two weeks she's had very large mood swings. Over the last week her "good" moods have been there more than her "bad" moods and the good moods have been lasting longer.

If I read things correctly and comments from people on this board and another I'm on lead me to believe she's in WD. Dr. Harley says for a spouse in WD you might as well just exist with them and fill whatever EN's they'll let you. Dr Harley states that the deeper a spouse is in the affair the longer WD could take, but the most severe should be over in 3 weeks or so and then begin to fade. First 3 weeks after exposure to the kids and her claim of NC she didn't say more than 10 words to me and spent a lot of time in the bedroom. Since that time she's responding to me more and more.

So, I guess my question would be, why not wait a little longer and see if she responds more? What's it going to hurt? I already know what I'm going to do if she doesn't respond more. But if I push it while she's still very foggy, I can see more harm than good by pushing.

Everyone here says stick with a plan. The goal of everyone here is to break up the affair and get through WD so you can begin recovery of the marriage. Affair over? PA for sure, EA maybe, maybe not. Getting through WD if she is in NC? Seems like progress is being made.

I read a passage in "not just friends" that says to not do anything in haste in situations like this. Right now, WW thinks our marriage has sucked forever. Why not give it a little more time for Plan A now that I'm sure at least the PA part of the affair is over and possibly the EA also?

H4U,

Last week, actually 4 days ago, you wrote the above ... now you're going to wait another month and a half ... what changed since you wrote the above???

I'm sorry that you felt the need to be defensive, but it really bothers me to see BH's making excuses for doing nothing ... maybe that's my problem.

I just don't understand why some BH's waste all of this effort wringing their hands and achieving nothing but condemning themselves to a life of LIMBO.

And I am ready. I could give it tonight. Wouldn't bother me in the least.

What's changed in the last 4 days was my discussions with a couple of people off line (one who posts here on MB and another who doesn't but went through the same thing) and they both know more details then I've written and they both feel like with her mood swings she's still in WD.

So if she's still in WD, I can deal with the mood swings and honestly since last Thurs things have been improving. Not as fast as I'd like, but definitely improving.

Is she playing me? Maybe. Am I willing to give her a little more time? Yes.

Haven't posted in a while so I thought I'd update.

Things have been improving at home. WW is more engaging, talkative and showing/doing little things that show me she's trying. Still no commitment or "I made a mistake, lets work on it" from her, but she's more involved family wise and is making an effort.

Don't get me wrong, everything is not rosy, but we seem to be making some progress. WW tells me where she's going, what she's doing...She's also had a couple of opportunities to get with OM if she/he wanted to, and it hasn't happened. One of those occasions I told her it made me nervous that she would be home all day (at least 12 hours) while DS16 and I were out of town at a cookout/grad party and she looked at me and said "it's over". I then asked her if she'd been in contact with OM and she said "no, it's over". Of course I know all cheaters lie and this could have been one more time, but before we left on that day, DS16 said something to WW about "HE better not be coming to visit" (totally unprompted by me, when I told him WW wasn't going with us he looked at me and said 'that worries me') and she said to him he wasn't and it was over. When we got home that night there were zero miles on her car and WW hadn't even showered that day (she really kind of looked like crap) so she passed that test. Now I trust her .002%. Only 99.998% more and I'll really trust her. Maybe by fall 2019?

She's been actively involved in planning a family vacation in Aug and for the first time a couple days ago commited to going on vacation, just the two of us come Oct. I had made a reservation a few months back for Oct telling her I was going with or without her and at the time WW said, go ahead and make the reservation but "this in no way means I'm going". Fast forward to a couple days ago and she said to me in response to a question concerning the family vacation, "if we're going in Oct, it makes sense".

The other night I thought she was going to admit she F'd up. She came into the family room and stood there for probably a minute and I could tell she had something to say. Then she sat down and stared out at the deck and then down at the floor for quite a while. The whole time it was like she was just itching to say something, but couldn't bring herself to. She's never had a problem saying anything BAD to me, so I figure if she had a problem saying something, it must be good from my standpoint.

If you're reading LG, you're absolutely correct, recovery is HARD although I wouldn't say we're in recovery just yet.

Still ready to push it if needed, but the way things have progressed the last few weeks, I'm going to continue to give her the time/space she needs to figure this out.

DS19 is coming home for the weekend later today. Good opportunity for more family stuff which can only help.

And oh yeah, started making some phyiscal contact a few nights ago and WW hasn't balked yet. Will start escalating that more and more in the next few weeks.

H4U:

So. It's July.

What's up?

How are those plans for vacations?

Have your boys been helping?

Withdrawal should be on the serious backside now.

Let us know.

LG

Curious as well H4U, hope things are improving.