Are you guys going out and just having fun together? When you do, put affair and relationship talks on hold, k? You must spend a MINIMUM of 15 hours per week together...Those hours should include intimate conversation, recreational companionship, sexual fulfillment and affection...Those things are easy to forget in the early stages of recovery (trauma), but they MUST be remembered and adhered to if genuine recovery is to happen...

Hang in there ILMH...The first year is very tough...The view gets better and better as time goes by...

Are you guys planning to continue your coaching with Steve Harley?

Mrs. W

I'm no vet (nearly as new at this as you...) but something struck me while reading your thread. You mentioned that you let your guard down and were weak enough to let the A happen. I don't know if you are giving yourself enough credit.

I am a BS and it is a hard thing for me to recognize when I feel justified in putting the responsibility for my Hs A on his shoulders, but I wonder if you have thought about the things that your BH was not doing and that you found with the OM. What were you searching for? When you recognize some of the ENs that OM was meeting, you can work on helping your BH fill those ENs. I know that this has been something that has helped my H and I in our recovery.

Remember, you made a bad choice but that doesn't make you a bad person. Your BH is one of the lucky ones (as am I)...we have a WS who wants to commit themselves to their M. Not everyone here is that lucky. Give yourself credit for this.

[quote=MrsWondering]Are you guys going out and just having fun together? When you do, put affair and relationship talks on hold, k? You must spend a MINIMUM of 15 hours per week together...Those hours should include intimate conversation, recreational companionship, sexual fulfillment and affection...Those things are easy to forget in the early stages of recovery (trauma), but they MUST be remembered and adhered to if genuine recovery is to happen...


I answer to your question Mrs W we really haven't gone out to just have fun. There hasn't really been a lot of lightness around. I'm sure you know. Almost every conversation has been about why I did this. I believe SH gave me the why and that seemed to put things in perspective for me, not so much for Try though.

What would he say if you just told him you would like the two of you to go out for a couple of hours and take a break from all of the stress?

To both Try and ILMH...

Feelings follow actions...Waiting around to feel better will not work...fake it til ya make it...

How 'bout it?

Mrs. W

The keystone of Dr Harley's methods is the Policy of Undivided Attention...

Spending time together doing fun (recreational) things is what makes the rest of Marriage Builders work. If the only time you are spending together is spent working on your relationship and reliving the affair, you are both draining your Love Banks faster than you can replenish them.

But when you spend time together, you have a chance to meet each others ENs and so make deposits into each other's LB$ and the result is more feelings of closeness and intimacy for both of you. Then you will have the energy required to discuss the really hard questions and tackle the more difficult issues.

What makes Dr Harley different than other counselors is that he seeks to rebuild the love between you as the first priority. While improved communication, seeking answers to how and why an affair happened and all the other tough parts need to be addressed, it was your love for each other that brought you together in the first place and it will be your love that will keep you together through recovery.

It is by making deposits into your LB$ that love is built and those deposits can only be made if you are putting an effort into meeting each other's ENs and the easiest way to ensure that is happening is to spend time together doing recreational things.

If you are spending every waking moment dealing with the aftermath of the affair, it is no wonder you are both struggling. Try to drop the affair for a few days and just focus on having fun together. Date like you once did. That was what brought you together and it will bring you together again.

Mark

I agree... We really need some recreational time where it's just us! I miss that so much. We could use some light conversation also. I love talking with him over dinner or just cuddling with him. I was just having a hard day yesterday. Nothing in particular. Lots of stuff besides the affair going on here and it's taking a toll on both of us. I realize that I have to be the strong one and do the heavy lifting. I've never had to be that before so it's kinda a learning experience for me.
Thanks everyone for all the words of encouragement! It means a lot to me.

We have our next phone call with SH this tuesday and I am looking forward to it. I only got to talk with him for 12 mins or so last time.
We are doing ok i guess. We are starting to schedule a time two days a week where we talk about the marriage and the affair. I think it will help knowing that there is a time for that specific talk. If we are going to try and build a great marriage again we are going to have to have more than just "affair talk"
I feel a renewed sense of comittment from myself to the man I love. I hope one day he will feel it too. I really love him and can't believe I caused him so much pain.

i said this to your husband and i am going to ask you the same thing:

the age difference. you were only 18 and he was 30 when you started dating. i will be honest and say that my sister just turned 19. if she was dating a 30 year old i would have killed her and the guy if my father didn't get to them first, which he probably would have.

you were SO young.

i am wondering if this has anything to do at all with your affair and your choice to have one. you never got to "live", go out and have fun, date several people before settling in.

IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM DOES THIS EXCUSE THE CHOICES YOU DELIBERATELY MADE. and i told you husband that as well.

it just seems to me that your age differences, more so when you first started dating, have got to be relevant on some level.

mlhb

ILMH,

You're doing great...keep going. We're here rooting for you.

Question: How did YOU find MB? Did your H find it first and bring it to you? How did you feel about it at the beginning? My FWH is working with me, but he kind of thinks MB is a bit "cult-like" (his words, not mine). I just wondered if you, as a WS, found it hard to accept...and if so, what helped you to overcome that?

HTM

i am wondering if this has anything to do at all with your affair and your choice to have one. you never got to "live", go out and have fun, date several people before settling in.


mlhb [/quote]

I am not sure how to do the quote thing, sometimes it works and sometimes not so if it doesn't I apologize.

About being really young when me and my husband first started dating. I had literally lost my V a few months before we first started dating, so you could say that I definitely don't have many experiences to go on. There have been times when I have had those thoughts about going out and dating and having those "experiences"
I AM AWARE THAT IT IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR THE AFFAIR. I chose to marry my H because I love him and didn't think I needed all the dating and such that goes with it. I still don't think I need that to be happy. I am not saying it hasn't come up in my mind though. We have even talked about it a few times, but I wouldn't say that was what was floating through my mind during the affair. I am not sure if this is making sense.

To hicktownmommy,
My husband was the one to find MB. I didn't want to hear any of it at first. When I finally chose to try to do everything in my power to show him that I love him and try to save our marriage I started posting because I realized I couldn't do it on my own. I needed help and most of all I needed some hope that my marriage could be restored. I wanted to read success stories and feel encouraged. It's what gets me through most days. Knowing there's people out there that have gone through the very same thing and have come out victorious is a real help. It's also really helpful to hear the other side and know what he needs to feel safe with me again. Resonance and especially Mrs W have been instrumental to my "coming clean" and finally being what my husband needs me to be.
I'm not what you would call a poster. I sometimes feel that it is "not my thing", but it is encouraging to know you are not alone. It makes me want to reach out and help someone else now. Like I want to give back...

I have a question about exposure. My H and I were talking yesterday and he asked me if i was going to come clean with my mother and my best friend because they only knew about the emotional part and not the P part. I told him that I wasn't sure if that was necessary, but I do want us to recover and I want to be viewed as an honest person. I sure don't want everyone that I am close to to be disappointed in me although i do know there are consequences to my actions. I don't believe my mother would keep it to herself. In fact I know she told my brother about what was going on with me and the OM and she had my step brother involved too. I don't know maybe a little help???

i think it is important you come clean with everyone involved.

why hold that secret inside of you?
better it come from you than someone else.

i would tell your h to do the same thing.

if you don't tell them, i know i, and probably most here, would encourage your h to do so.

mlhb

Hi ILMH...

Here is what Dr. Harley has said on the matter:


Hope that helps some...I can tell you that I exposed myself to my mom before the end of the affair, ultimately my doing so was the undoing of the affair-THANK GOD! My mom has been incredibly supportive and wonderful to both Mr. W and I...

Hope this helps some...

Mrs. W

ILMH,

In a way this one is very easy. This is something you POJA with your H. I know that every believes that the WS in your case FWS needs to face the consequences of their actions and I firmly agree with this.

But, there are consequences to other people if you expose to your mother and best friend. As you said the information might not be limited to them. Your H may be viewed as somehow inadequate, your relationship with your mother and best friend might be harmed.

My point?? You need to talk with your H about this and ask him a simple question "Will you protect me if I do this?" "Will you throw me under the bus with my family." He needs to really think about this.

Please remember "radical honesty" applies to your H and not even any children. AND the POJA works both ways, that is why it is so powerful. So talk with your H about the pluses and minus' of this disclosure.

It really needs to be a decision based on what is best for your H, you, and those you are going to expose to. Please talk about this.

I will offer another scenario to consider and should be discussed with your H. If say your Mom asked if it was a PA, should you be honest. I would say yes. Does your H have a reason for you not to be forthcoming in this case? What about your best friend?

I know you want to be honest. I know you want to be open and supportive of your H. The best way is to talk about this.

On a personal note, one of my sons just became engaged. He is your age. Given that I have seen the level of maturity change so much for him since he was 21 or so to now, I think you are now handling things in a very mature way NOW.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

ILMH

Welcome to MB, sorry I haven't posted to you yet. I'm only 2 months post d-day (I’m the WS) and I’m very new, but I have experience with coming clean with everyone in my family and his. I also recently confessed the affair to my boss.

I found that telling the family about the affair was enormously helpful to both my husband and I. My mother did tell my brothers about it, and I was uncomfortable with that at first, but they have actually been helpful and supportive. We’re closer to our families more now than ever. And, our families are supportive of us and they want us to heal from this. My MIL in particular has been a Godsend to both of us. Also, we have shared MB concepts with them and they want to apply those principles to their own relationships, even my brother who is recently divorced.

I think making the affair public should be considered a part of the recovery process. It will help you take responsibility for what you did. It’s likely that your family will tell you to not be so hard on yourself, I know that mine did! They told me that my husband has to take some responsibility for the A. This gave me an opportunity to come to his defense and tell them under no uncertain terms that I am responsible for my own actions. My husband did not make the choice to have the A, I did. Telling my family this was similar to making amends as a recovering alcoholic does in AA. You seem like you’re willing to do whatever it takes to make this right, I really think this will help you in your recovery.

Mrs Z

ILMH,

I am struggling with the other side of the fence. My FWH hasn't told his family or best friend yet. He says his family would just add it to their list of his disappointments and he says he wants to tell his best friend in person (but best friend lives two states away and may not be here for months).

I feel like this is harmful to my recovery because it seems like FWH is "hiding" the A from the people who know him the best (besides me). By hiding it from them, I worry if he is really F because it seems like it might give him a way to have another A or continue the same A and only have to deceive me. Get what I mean? If all of the people who love him know about his weakness, won't it be harder for him to fail?

I'm going to be talking with H about this tonight at MC. I'll let you know how it goes.

HTM

Hi.
I just wanted to jump in for a second to clarify the "exposure" thing.

ILMH's MIL and BF were mislead about the nature of the A months ago. They were told RB was a "friend", and that I was controlling, made her quit her job etc.

My intent in her going to them to clarify the misconceptions they were left with by ILMH.

For me this has NOTHING to do with consequenses, or punishment, rather her willingness to clear the air about what really happened and what I was doing speak directly to honesty and strength of character. This is the only reason I would like to see ILMH decide to do this. If she allows the misrepresentation to go unchecked, she is basically allowing an untruth to be kept alive.

I want my spouse to be an honest person, bottom line.

TTH

TTH,

You don't need to justify why you want this done, although I think it will be harmful to your MIL and others to be operating under the assumption that YOU are the enemy of this marriage, when in fact it was OM and your W's decisions.

But, I stick to my point. You and your W need to POJA this. You two need to understand each other's point of view. I will say that IF it is decided that she tell this things and sets the record right, you ought to consider your role in protecting her with regard to these people if things get out of hand emotionally.

I know "she should reap the harvest of consequences from her decision." I agree with this. But, she is also your W and you need to protect her, JUST as her telling the truth is actually protecting you.

What she probably doesn't realize is that if you are 'unprotected' with regards to inlaws and friends feelings about you, then SHE is 'unprotected' as well. And guess what, the same goes for her.

This is why POJA is so important and harder to do. I would recommend that a POJA would address the issue of telling, why tell, who it helps, why it helps, who it hurts, why it hurts, possible consequences, what each of you is willing to do to protect the other. I'm thinking within all of this is a strong win-win.

What your W may not realize that being honest with her friends and family will take a load off of her as well.

So talk, talk some more, brainstorm, evaluate, and remember you two are sitting on the SAME side of the table. What is good for her is good for you. What is good for you is good for her.

I hope this makes some sense.

God Bless,

JL