Well, I was informed earlier that the other shoe fell as well today. She lost her job also because of their inappropriate relationship! Of course I was informed that it was my fault and that I shouldn't expect any financial assistance from her now that she is unemployed. She told me at our kid's baseball game tonight, and then sat outside the right field fence by herself, glaring at me. I managed to ignore her and avoid having any conversation with her. I know that her getting fired is ALL her fault. I won't listen to this from her; however, it will place the kids and I in more of a predicament financially without her help. She's a nurse, she will easily find another job. But I know she can't find one that she loved as much as this one!
It kills me to see her hurting like this. Why do "aliens" inflict so much pain on themselves and others, when their previous lives were much more peaceful? I know that she will not wish to reconcile immediately, that would look like she is coming back because she needs me. Right now she is trying to prove to everyone that she can do this. Her family, her friends, me, the OM, and even God. I think God is starting to show her who's really in charge here! I'm sure she feels trapped in her bad decision and right now only sees that this OM is there for her. I had hoped that he would turn tail and run at the first sign of conflict, but I'm sure he's trying to convince her that he's in it for the long haul.
So how about it guys? What's her next move? Everything you've predicted so far as been spot on!

Oh, such good news!

The fact that they BOTH lost there jobs over their affair is very good news for your marriage. Hang in there, and have faith. When they decided to have the affair, they made the choice to risk their jobs.

I still think the OM will look for easier pickings. But we will see.

When wifey starts blaming you for the mess she's made, just tell her that you will do what is necessary to protect your family.

An affair is a fantasy, and it looks like reality is shedding its light on this one.

Things are looking up!!!

She will get hit with child support unless she moves back home - especially since her earning potential is very high

Pep

She had actually offered to "give me a check" on her biweekly paydays. I suppose I won't be seeing that now, huh! She has not considered any of this before she left. She left with literally no place to go, no money, no plans, and not even knowing with whom her car is financed to make the payments. She is TRULY living in a fantasy right now...who is this alien?

Abandoned,

There is a saying by Eli Weismann :
As long as she is mad, it is good. You want her engaged in someway. Eventually, it will come to her that SHE did this to herself. She made the decision and SURPRISE! He H actually fought for his family and marriage. What a shock.

Protect yourself legally. Get into a good position and let the consequences of her actions and decisions hit her square in the face. It will happen, it needs to happen for her to learn some hard life lessons. This is not about punishment, it is about her facing her own decisions. Once she starts to do that, the "fog" will begin to lift and you will have a chance to rebuild this marriage...IF you want to.

Hang in there Abandoned. It will get worse, more for her than you.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Go back to your first post and reread how you treated her. See anything in there that would make her think she could steam roll you?? I do. She is more surprised I would bet than you realize. I am betting she figured you for a wimp. She lost that bet didn't she.

JL, I can see where you would think that from my post. I'm sure most men that know me would think that I did more than I should, I have been called "Mr. Mom." Buy in reality, it was just that I work from home, and she was seeing patients die everyday. I thought it no big deal to do all of the things a wife normally does, I considered it taking care of her.
She knew that I would fight for my children, I don't think she knew I would fight for my marriage!

The only thing that truly matters in the end is the kids. The wifey will either stay crazy and go and find OM2 or she will come to her senses.

You have acted wonderfully and in a way that I wish I had done myself. Keep it up!

Stick by those kids. Let her flail.

What is amazing to me is that waywards would rather struggle than do what is actually easy to do: Come home, show remorse, recomit to the marriage, and be nice.

That's it!

I'm not saying recovery is easy. Not by a long shot. But the first step is not hard to take.

So you have your financial ducks in order. That is very good. Now get your legal ones in order.

Talk to an attorney and have legal separation papers drawn up. These will establish child support and will be based on formulas and not on whatever she feels she should pay.

You carry on preaparing that "stick".

In the meantime you implement plan A and keep being nice to her and welcoming to her and hope she notices.

Best of luck.

Thanks pombd3, but it would seem that child support just diminished or disappeared. She was fired, she has no job. She has no home, she has only the friends that use to be coworkers and don't really know me, and the OM. Right now, she thinks that is enough. You're right, it's amazing that she wouldn't yet decide to stop flailing and do the easiest and most proper thing. Again, we are dealing with a stubborn and shallow alien...I'm thinking that my W will be beamed back soon! Beamed back to the comfort and security that she's always known, we were high school sweethearts, we started dating very young. She has experienced this before at various times when we had broken up before we were married, but now she is convinced that she is being a real independent woman, and that she doesn't need or want me anymore. Her losing her job will only make her feel even more subjected to me. This is not good, but also not necessary. She will find a job quickly, but she is just an LPN and her old job with hospice paid nearly twiced what the average LPN earns. This will be tough financially for us all...all because of her poor decisions and lapsing into the fog!

Here's my real question, and I'm hoping for an answer soon! I feel that at some point she will be calling today to talk. What do I say? Yes, I do want her back desperately, but I don't want her to come back just because she lost her job, or misses the kids, or even just because the OM fled. I want her to show remorse and truly want to work through this with me. Am I delusional? Do I just get her back whatever her motives and then push for emotional repair as we go? I know I'm going to end up looking like a fool when I do take her back; she's told everyone she can that she left for another man. Help...she may be calling any minute!

This part of the plan is often called being the "lighthouse". The beacon home. You tell her the truth. That you want your marriage to work, to be a happy and fulfilling marriage for BOTH of you. That you believe you have found a plan that will achieve that goal and would like to share it with her. That it is not going to be possible with OM involved in the marriage. That you are hoping and waiting for her to give up OM FOREVER so you two can begin making your M what it should have been all along.

Don't get drawn into a fight about her being fired. Simply tell her "I will do whatever I can to give our M a chance to recover."

You've done a great job so far AW3! You've stayed strong and probably saved yourself alot of the heartache many of us endured due to indecision!

Is there any other exposure opportunities out there? I think what you have done may well be enough, but its also possible that you'll need to further expose this. What about her family? What about OM's family?

Thanks Tyk, but I'm seeing the analogy that a lighthouse burns in the distance. It merely illuminates the way, it cannot provide it. She knows that in my heart I want her back, that is probably part of the problem. She feels she can return whenever she wants just by saying the right words. A door that is always open isn't nearly as enticing to enter and explore.
I will show her the way home when SHE is ready. I know that I have to make her see that the things in our marriage that need fixing (emotional needs) are things we both have to work on together. I will try and not make anything feel like a "punishment" to her for her own actions. She is being punished right now, I just want to see us both become happy and move beyond all of this, without looking over my shoulder from now on waiting for it to happen again!
As to further exposure, she is telling everyone that she has talked to about the OM, almost pridefully so and without fear of being judged. There is no remorse in her at present about this A, she is under the "if it makes me happy now, do it" illusion. Her past responsibilities and obligations are a distant memory.

Ah hah,,,she just called wanting to speak to the baby. She only calls concerning the kids, knowing that it could start an argument if I don't grant her wishes. This was her way of letting me know where she is today and that I can reach her if necessary. Since she got fired, she has no place to go today...she'll be thinking, I hope the OM stays out of the picture for the day!

Try NOT to assume what she's thinking, or why she's doing what she's doing. Do not base your truth and your actions on her response, or her predicted response. It distracts from a plan.

You DO what you need to do, because it needs to be done. Not because of what she is doing or not doing.

Bring it back to YOU, what you can control, what you can do.

Trying to interpret a WSs thinking and motives is futile, at best.

If you want to recover the M, your best bet is to get her home. You've exposed the A to the light of day, and the reality is not that pleasant. You need to be ready to catch your WW when she falls, even if you aren't seeing everything you hoped you'd see as far as remorse.

You're doing good so far, just try not to get to wrapped up in her unreality. YOU know reality. She will have to find it again, you are showing the way.

Try to keep the opinions coming, I'm obsessed with this. I'm watching this site, waiting for her call, which I know I shouldn't be!

Its understandable.

After thinking some more, I think your main goals need to be ending the A and getting her to agree to NC. THEN getting her home.

Right now, as far as these things go, you have a pretty good situation in terms of divorce, custody, etc. You need to protect that situation somewhat. Which is why I think you should not encourage her to return home if the A is still ongoing. If you let her come back without NC, that is going to feed her sense of entitlement.

I think when you talk to her that you need to tell her this. That you want to work on the marriage, have a plan, etc. and want her to come home but that in order for that to happen she has to end the A and write a NC letter to OM that YOU send. Until she is willing to do this, you wait. This is almost getting into Plan B territory, so I myself am unsure, as I never did Plan B, and technically, you are NOT IN plan B.

I still think the effects of the exposure and the firings has not played out so a bit of patience may be in order while you plan you next move.

aw3,

I think you are doing a great job so far. Keep taking care of yourself and your kids. Keep reacting calmly to your WW. I had a few thoughts for you as I read your sitch.

The fact that she does not have a job does not affect(in most states) what she would be required to pay as CS. Nowadays, it is usually computed on what you are ABLE to earn because of your educational level and previous work experience. If you are not working or are working below what you COULD earn, you are termed as "willfully under-employed." I see both sides of this issue, but it could eliminate your concerns as to whether or not she would have to pay CS.

Have you read "Surviving An Affair"? If not, run to the store and get it. You need to pay attention to the main example of the WW, Sue. This is one of Dr.Harley's REAL cases and is about a woman who ONLY decided to come back to her H after the A ended. She was resentful and did NOT come back because she was madly in Love with her H. She agreed to MB because she figured she had nothing to lose. It worked. Their marriage was not only saved. They were HAPPY.

Don't worry WHY your WW might come back. I think too many of us let our pride get in our way and we say, "Well, I don't want him/her to just come back because they HAVE to, just because of the kids, because they have no place else to go, etc..." When your wife comes back, with NC in place, you can begin to rebuild. The exact reason she comes back at this moment in time means NOTHING. She is and will be foggy for quite a while. It is important that she comes back. And believe me, she will.

You mentioned something that seemed important to me. You said she feels like an independent woman now. Have you considered seriously that perhaps she did not feel like a "princess"? She may have felt for a long time like a little girl whose daddy wouldn't let her be a grown-up. I want to suggest to you that you need to treat her like a QUEEN, not a princess. As long as you treat HER like a Queen, she will be thrilled to have you be HER King. But if you treat her like a princess, she might see you as a daddy to be rebelled against.

I would think that the two of you need to start paying bills TOGETHER and really applying the POJA in all aspects of your life. I am guessing a little but it sounds as if she feels you have been the primary decision maker and she decided she was perfectly capable of making a decision of her own. NOT that this was acceptable, just that her foggy thinking might see it that way.

Just a thought.

Blessings,
WH2LE

Glad to hear your finances are protected!

You mentioned that you were going to contact your lawyer; how did that go?

Wk, You are EXACTLY right about the "princess" vs. "queen" thing. What I viewed as being a good husband and taking care of her came to become me looking like her father. She couldn't spend money without asking me (even relatively small amounts), because I looked after the finances. Of course, that creates a situation where, when there's plenty of extra money, there are no conflicts. But when things get tight, it looks as if I'm totally in charge and in control. This was never what I wanted, I would have loved for her to help me with this burden. We discussed several times going over the bills so she could help out, but we never made it a priority, only discussing it when things were tight and there was a conflict. This will all defintely be a part of the possible reconciliation, if it ever gets to that point.
As to my pride, I realize that I will have to swallow a lot of it if I take W back. SHE has told lots of people about her A, many more than I ever would have. It will be difficult, but I am willing if given the chance.
Thanks again!

In light of what happened yesterday (her losing her job), I've decided to wait a few days on the attorney thing. It's probably the wrong choice in many ways, but financially, I will also be strained without her income helping out. The good news is that I know she has no money right now to do anything at all. Maybe I'm in a fog on this, but I still feel like it would be a waste if she seeks to reconcile in the next few days. I'm going to give it until Monday, if nothing positive by then, I'll go...I'll make an appointment today!

Okay, I gave in and called her...too soon! I was told that I had cost her her job and that if I did have any hopes of reconciliation, they are now gone. She said she didn't care if I died today. I shouldn't have called, but I couldn't stand it!

Sir, you are quickly becoming a DOORMAT. You have turned your back on everything that was helping. The people here have told you in advance everything that has happened, has been said, and what WILL happen, but you are cowering in the face of your WW's anger, even though you were told to expect it.

Now think about that ... she's angry at YOU, because YOU told your Pastor about HER A, and then HE did your job for you and exposed to their employer.

Personally, the fact that she has told nearly everyone you know about what she's doing would make it very difficult to even attempt R with her, but that's up to you.

It's time for you to make a decision ... break up the A and attempt R ... or go straight into Plan D and protect yourself and your assets. It's your choice.