What do you mean, "There are prying eyes on this board?" Can I email you?

my ex monitors my posts and takes them out of context in legal proceedings.

What I say here is cherry picked to sound like I'm attacking her when I'm often talking about waywards in general and wayward wives in particular.

Oh, okay...I freaked out for a bit, evern though I'm not sure about what. I saw the attorney. The wheels are in motion. I have a time line for my final decisions in regards to the foster child. I spoke to her in person about this and explained that I will now be adopting a 2 year old "by myself." She seemed to accept it for now and so I am planning to proceed. I'm still sticking to the plan, but I will definitely be doing a 180 now!
Thanks guys!

Pombd, I'd love to read what you had posted earlier. Maybe give us the abridged version. W is now getting her own place, reiterated today that she's never coming home. I told her I understood but that she should realize how differently she would feel if she was the one at home w/ 3 kids, rather than going out w/ friends and talking to OM on the phone half the night! NOW...it's time for the 180!

You are keeping a journal, right? You need to be documenting the time she was away from her family, and all the things you have been doing for and with your children.

I am keeping documentation on everything. Until the fog lifts, I must protect my children. Right now, the fog is extremely thick!

Well, the attorney said that I certainly could adopt this child as a single father. Right now, those are my plans. W wouls like for me to stroll into court with her as if everything was normal and allow her to sign the adoption agreement as well. She can't understand why I would refuse this. My concern is that she has now gotten her own place and will fight me for her. I'm staying above the fray on this and covering my bases legally, but it could get tough.

As to the emotional. As I explained to her what the attorney said, she reiterated that she would NEVER live with me again! She now says that she just sees potential for a relationship with OM and that they haven't been intimate. She has always said that she couldn't live alone, even saying she would remarry quickly if I died. She can't see how his presence in this is only providing her comfort to leave. She says they pray for me every night, boy, is he good! I am in the 180 now. I laid out the groundwork for reconciliation. NC, counseling, and then, return home. She knows where I stand and what I want, for me and my children. As much as possible, I plan to avoid any interaction for awhile, not speaking at all about us, or my loneliness. This is hard, I thought she would see a way, I don't know how to read her now. She is so insistent that we can never be together again, I wonder who she is trying to convinve?

Thoughts???

She is in an addiction. That's all. She's getting a thrill she has never allowed herself to have before. Most women spend their lives being 'good' and not making waves and not being selfish and taking care of everyone else; it's just how we're raised in this society. She finally got the 'nerve' to just go out and take what SHE wants for a change, and she's not about to give it up just because you try to make her feel guilty. Cos if she does give it up, she'll never have the nerve to try it again. I'm pretty sure that's what she's thinking.

Think Kramer Vs. Kramer.

Just don't fall for it. Because it's an addict talking.

So you still see hope for R here? I'm not sure I do...

Abandoned,

There is hope. One of the reasons Harley does what he does so well, is that he realized that most affairs end. Once that happens there is a chance for the marriage. The hard part is for the BS to hang in there and try and preserve some love for the WS.

If that happens, there is definitely hope. The problem is the timetable. We cannot tell you when this will happen, my bet is sooner (less than a year) than later ( a couple of years). You will have decisions to make that is for sure. Which ones I don't know.

Do your best to take care of your kids. Make your life as good as it can be. Learn from this and grow. You will KNOW when it is time to make decisions and what decision to make.

I will tell you that I am in my 60's. And everytime there has been a major decision in my life, the decision was essentially made for me. By that I mean, I could have decided either way, but the data was very clear about which way was the optimum way to go.

I think if you focus on the things I mentioned, and be "still", you will find when it comes time for decisions the data will guide you, no matter how your feelings are bouncing around.

Hang in there, you are only a few weeks out in this. Your W's statements are echos of many previous WS's that have graced this board or have be relayed here by the BS. Things change, give it some time.

God Bless,

JL

I know you're right...it's only been 1 week since she left, but it feels like a year! It has to get better w/ time. In some ways, I wish that I didn't even care, but I do! I'm trying to do the 180, but everytime we have to talk about the kids or money, it ends up being a fight about "us." I haven't yet mastered hiding my loneliness and distress. What's the next phase I should expect? She gone from anger, to hate, to reasonable, to now confident and resolved in her decision. It would seem there is nothing else left until OM bails out.

You guys don't abandon me now...I need words of encouragement here that there may still be hope. I just saw W and picked up the kids from her. We were friendly, but she is still very distant. I don't understand what she is doing at all. I'm pretty sure she is trying to convince herself more than she is me that leaving was the right thing to do!

We won't abandon you!

That's good that she seems to need to convince herself. It means you're doing something right.

Abandoned,

The love bank principle works for the OM as well. Right now his bank account is full. Your W sees nothing wrong with him. Now that she has moved out and he will have to meet her needs you can bet the withdrawals will begin. The "honeymoon" phase will end soon, and real life will intrude.

Plan B is to allow you to weather this withdrawal phase which may take time. Hang in there. OM has not had enough time to draw down his account yet, but he will.

God Bless,

JL

Don't believe for a sec that you will quickly go through the stages of grief.

Believe me, anger is a nasty, ugly stage.

It's great to get past it, but you'll know when you're in it.

I thought I had already gone through it. Oh, buddy, I was so wrong.

You're only one week into this. You're very much in denial, "I can't believe this is happening" phaze.

It's a bad dream you can't wake up from.

But it gets better with time and with the less you deal with her.

You will see some very serious reactions on her part if you become aloof and decide not to engage her in arguments. Trust me! Don't argue next time. If she strays from the conversation, then bring it back or hang up.

I think what's confusing me most is that she now says OM is "just a friend," but that she sees him in her life for a very long time! He IS still 4 hours away so they can only speak by phone..it's hard to take love bank hits when you only have to listen! I see where he is saying all the right things now, but what happens when they have to really be around one another? Neither of them knows, yet this is costing only her.
BTW, she lied about being fired from her job, she was "suspended without pay pending an investigation." They let her (don't know about him) return to work today, only writing her up for misuse of a company phone. She wanted everyone to believe that I was out to get her and cost her her job, trying to justify her leaving by making me look bad. Twisted logic at best, but I think some were byeing into it!

Abandoned,

I haven't read any of your thread, but your last post on twisted logic.

They ALL are twisted. That's what makes it so common and similar. Don't listen to anything she says. She is just spewing poison at you.

She lives in a FOG. Watch her actions and don't listen to her words. This was and still is so hard for me to grasp somedays, but so important.

She hasn't called, she won't respond to any emails I've sent. I don't know what she's doing and it kills me. I don't want to control her, just to be a part of her life. I'm truly out of my comfort zone here, but I know that she is too! I've never considered hurting myself before, but I can now easily see how some people sink to that depth!

Abandoned

I thought you were doing a 180? No need to be calling her. I know...easier said then done. Try to do something today yourself. Don't be hanging around for her call. Read back up on the 180. It'll take a bit to get used to. Try to master it.

Weekends are a bit slow...everybody will be back in full swing after it's over. Don't panic.

Just try to pull back a bit. Try to appear confident and not needy. This is going to be a LONG haul. You have to get mentally prepared. It's going to be the worst time of your life...understand that. Psyche yourself up.

We're here.

(((((Abandoned)))))

aw3,
You can not believe ANYTHING your WW says now. ANYTHING!! If she says the OM is just a friend, those are just words coming out of her mouth. They are not fact, they are not anything at all.

She IS confused. The problem is that you are buying into her confusion. You are still acting as if she is speaking to you rationally. I guarantee you that she is NOT.

IMHO, it would be best if you speak to her as little as possible. That way, you are not caught up in her drama, and you are not basing your mood on what she is SAYING.

Here is the truth regarding YOU: YOU ARE GOING TO FEEL TERRIBLE! Your wife has left you. You have three children to care for, including one who is not officially yours yet. You have to work. You have a million things to do. This all really sucks. And there is no way around it.

If your wife walked back in the door right NOW, life would not return to normal. It feels to you like it would but again, I guarantee you that it would not. It is NOW irrevocably changed, for better or worse. It really IS like when someone dies. You have to create a NEW normal. Working in hospice, I am sure you have heard all these ideas before. But most people do not understand that the VERY SAME concepts apply in the face of an A.

Accept that the overwhelming likelihood is that your W is having an A. Accept that she will likely continue to deny it for some time. Accept that she is probably going to be gone for some time. Accept that you need to and CAN come up with a plan for personal and hopefully marital recovery.

Three suggestions for help for you.

1) CALL THE HARLEY'S!!!!!!!!! ASAP!!

2)Get Surviving an Affair. NOW!!!

3) Read Controlling People by Patricia Evans. I think you will recognize some of your traits in it and be able to see how you and your wife can have an actual partnership instead of a Controller/Controlee relationship.

Don't give up hope just because your instinct tells you that you that you want this settled NOW!! Again, You must STOP LISTENING to your wife regarding OM. Just STOP!! Have you read the Book of Hosea yet?

Blessings,
WH2LE