If you both feel that way, why don't you arrange for SF in advance? Both agree when you will do it, get all other issues out of the way, set the mood, and just proceed slowly?

davis,

I don't even know why I decided to come to this forum today. I cannot say why I chose this thread to read.

I don't read this forum, and by some fluke came here.

I know why I'm here now.

You are why I am here. Miracles are provided by those who temporarily have more to those who temporarily have less.

I temporarily have more.


My story.

I was raped as a child by two men. Also, I experienced sexual molestation over the course of three to four years by a member of my family (not my father).

Additionally, my father was physically abusive, and at one point his physical abuse rose to felony level. I cannot tell you how many times I was beaten, but I can only tell you that I keep the events separated somewhat because we moved frequently and I know what happened in which house.

My head has been shoved into a toilet. I have been sat on and had my face punched. I have been hit with a leather belt on one day, and beaten the next day because I had bruises showing from the day before from the belt. I have had a chair raised over my head - and that's the one and only time my mother told him to stop. I have hidden in closets and cupboards to avoid being seen, because just being seen provoked his anger.

That is why I was sent today. Because the miracle I have today is that you can get past the anger, the depression, the fear of sex.

And it is not as difficult as you might think it is. I CAN say that. Nobody can tell me NOT to say that, because I lived it. For my teenage years, I begged God to make me forget the sexual assaults and abuse. He said, "no". I begged God to make my dad go away. He said, "no".

I thought God did not hear me. I, too, abused drugs and alcohol. I got involved with a young man who regularly beat the crap out of me. On the night he tried to beat and strangle me, and the police put me in protective custody and I called my house from jail - do you know what my dad said?

"What did you do that made him have to beat you?"

Thanks, Dad.

When I left home and married my husband, I brought the terrorized soul into my marriage. I loved my husband. We had good sex, when we had it. But it was difficult for me. And when we fought, it was absolutely insane.

Because I fought with all of the anger and rage that the abuse and rape and all the rest brought up inside of me.

My poor husband, he was fighting about the laundry. Me? Nope. I was fighting a years-old battle from long ago, that he could not understand, let alone resolve.

And I carried that into our love life, because if I was slightly unhappy, or upset, that same anger was with me and I used it against him.

Was it fair? No.
Was it right? No.


Was it killing our marriage? You bet.

It was also killing ME and my spirit.


As trite as this sounds, I had to figure out the way to leave this all behind.

There were several solutions for me. They came nearly all at the same time, having unfolded over a time of great reflection and self-work. I did not go to formal therapy.

I worked hard at this, and believe it or not, the entire works came together in one great epiphany one day. I remember it as a beautiful experience, and I felt reborn as never before in my life. I truly left all of the events behind, and here are the critical ingredients of the recipe:

1. I forgave the perpetrators of the acts against me. YES - forgave them. I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but I encourage you to read as much as you can on forgiveness and work toward this goal.

2. I realized that these events occurred in the past, and that while they did happen to me, they did not DEFINE me. I had to come to a place where I understood that I made the decision of what defined me, and I chose to define myself by how I SURVIVED AND WENT AHEAD FROM THE EVENTS, and not by how the events HURT ME.

3. I came to the conclusion that for each moment that I cried, or hurt, or was angry, or was negative, or was not happy, that those pitiful ugly wasteful degenerate pigs were WINNING. I decided that there was no way that I would ever allow GOD'S TEAM to lose against such EVIL. I realized that I actually DO choose my moods, through my actions and thoughts, and I could choose to sit and cry, or move and laugh. I move and laugh. It works.

4. I changed the focus of my life from MYSELF. There are so many other people out there who need help. -The most important thing I gained from this was self-esteem.- By being of service to others, I made myself and my worth rise up in my own eyes. I was valuable, because I was needed, helpful, kind to others, giving, charitable...and what grew out of that was happiness and self-esteem. Gosh. I went out to give, and GOT in return.

5. I realized that the anger that I was using for everyday things was completely wrong. I was NOT ENTITLED to be that angry about little things, just because of my past history. Really - who did I think I was? I was allowed to abuse others because of the abuse I took? Think about this - because that is what is going on. There is a pot of anger that you keep nice and hot, and whenever something happens, you just dip right in there. Hot and piping, ready to serve right up. Only THAT anger is only allowed to be served up for the ABUSE - not for the argument about the laundry issue, or when he forgot to pick up the milk on the way home. Because that's not fair fighting. I had to learn that - and once I figured this out, my entire demeanor changed! I began to like my interactions better, and my sweet H did too. We could actually disagree without it being WWIII.


I hope this helps you. Because I believe you do not need to drag around your past. It IS the past, and you ARE NOT living it now. While it is okay to look at it and say, "This is probably why I react the way I do", it is NOT okay to continue to react that way and cast it aside as "the way you are". Once you recognize WHY you do something, does not mean you are excused from CHANGING IT.

SB

Our stories are so similar.....thank you.

I have more to add but can't at the moment. Please check back at a later time, I would love for us to talk more.

davis,

my house got hit by a tornado, so I have been off and on the board sort of intermittently


please

come back!!!


I would love to help you through if I can.

I made it through.

You CAN do this. There is such a beautiful world out here, and when it opened up to me


suddenly the world went from black and grey

to

CO LOR


And sounds were more lively

And people were closer to me

And life became much more worth the living


I breathed
I laughed
I lived

With more of "me" than I ever knew I had before.


Recovery from what you have been through really is found in a small realization. A truth. Sometimes, the truth is just so simple that we cannot fathom that simplicity. We reject that something so seemingly complicated - because WE have been so embroiled in it, so lost in it, so hurt, so poisoned, so pulled and twisted and knarled by it - we reject the simplicity of the truth of the solution's simplicity.


I found that, for me, there was a simplicity in the fact that the past was no longer WITH ME. It no longer was happening to me in this very moment, and that I was allowing the past to constantly affect my every waking moment - to affect my life, my decisions, my feelings, my EVERYTHING - and yet, that past

was over

so very long ago.

It could NOT affect me unless I chose for it to affect me.

I realized

that each and every time the rapes affected me

I somehow brought those events into today

even though

they happened

back then.


Back then. When I had no choice.


Only

NOW

I DO HAVE A CHOICE.


I CAN CHOOSE.


And now, I choose:

NO.


And there were other components: I chose to forgive those men. I chose to understand their brokenness, the fact that they were so very lost. That each night they lay down on their pillows, and they live with their guilt, their blackness. What they did to a little child - how broken must they have been, and how broken must they be.

They are so much worse off than I am. For all the guilt that I have in my world, their own dark shame is so heavy.

I have to turn my eyes away, in pity for them and their brokenness. That they turned from God in this way. I realized I could not do anything but pity them - not even hate them - they are indeed lost to God, and the only hope they have

is actually that I pray for them.


In that, there is power, isn't there?

That somehow, they intended that I be their victim, yet my prayers can somehow

save THEM someday?

I AM NOT A VICTIM, NO.

I am a survivor, and have nothing to be ashamed of. I have power, within me, of God and of prayer, and of the freedom of the pain by knowing

that I live

in the NOW.

Not back then.


See,

This is simple.


When you get to the basics. And if you are not a Christian, I have an answer for you from other places, not even God-related, because I believe that you can get there from that perspective, too, if you need to. (Although I will pray for you, if you don't mind! A little on the side never hurt.)


Schoolbus