Believer-

You're right I am thinking about what he said again. I'm new to Plan B so I still question things. Not at the point of not thinking about him yet.

Is it still just fog babble? Just trying to delay because he doesn't want to deal with reality or is he still in the I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing stage?

I had felt like our marriage was over when he tried to take the kids around the other woman. I felt like it meant he was moving forward with her. Do the other women sometimes put pressure on the affair partner to bring them around their children? My husband does not like confrontation and if she's pushing him he will try to appease her even if he really doesn't want them around her either.

If he wants to be with the other woman, why doesn't he just ask for a divorce (says he wants one sometimes other times lets just wait blah blah blah but never gets one). Why do some wayward spouses just pick up and totally leave. Why do some leave everything they own, pay all of our bills, buy me a new car, and drag out the entire thing????

Affair partners are so much in their druglike induced state that they see no problem introducing children to the affair partner. It happens almost all of the time. It is rare when the WS has sense enough not to involve the children.

Your children need to know that the OW is NOT a friend of the family.

Any Plan B vets want to encourage me????

Anyone want to help? I feel like giving up? I have no hope anymore. I hope it's just the way I feel today. I used to be so much more optimistic about our marriage. I read so much about how most affairs end and the spouse sometimes tries to make the marriage work. That's what gave me strenght in all this.

Lately though I 'm feeling much less optimistic. I know what I am supposed to do concentrate on me, my kids, friends, etc. It's so hard when everyone tells me he's just stringing me along. Why do I still love him after all he's done etc. I try to tell them I can't just turn off the love switch. No one seems to get it. I'm trying so hard to do a good Plan B. It's hard. I talked to my husband almost everyday. I feel like it makes his affair easy when I step out of the picture. He gets everything thing he wants and doesn't have to deal with a divorce, custody issues etc. I feel like it helps him stay in his fantasy world.

Can someone please tell me some good sites to visit that will bring back the hope? A site that will explain Plan B really well so I can understand how it works to protect me and what it does to my husband.

This is from Longhorn's guide, posted on Just Found Out. You might read through the whole thread.

Plan A sometimes works. Dr. Harley says it doesn’t 85% of the time. Therefore, a Plan A is usually, logically, followed by Plan B. The temptation is to skip Plan A and go straight to Plan B. That doesn’t work in the overwhelming number of cases. You have to build a basis for Plan B so the wayward spouse finds out what he or she will be missing.

In Plan B, you cut off all communication with your wayward spouse. Having shown them how wonderful a person you can be as a marriage partner, you remove yourself from their lives to show them how bad it is out there without you. In Plan A, fence-sitting is almost unavoidable. Your wayward spouse gets some of their emotional needs met by you and others met by the other person. In Plan B, you suddenly, and completely, stop providing those needs you had been filling for your spouse. When they aren’t being met, it increases strife in that fantasy world your spouse and his or her partner in adultery have in common with only each other. Strife begets pressure. Pressure begets unhappiness. Unhappiness begets separation…and you win.

Plan B may require a legal separation or the equivalent in your state. Discuss your needs with an attorney. Get a good one. You need a bull dog to represent you, not someone who goes with the flow.

At this point, if you have not already done so, you need to separate your finances from your wayward spouse’s. Safeguarding your financial situation and making sure your assets cannot be looted by a wayward spouse still in the fog is different for everyone but here are some suggestions.

You can have the current joint credit cards cancelled and new ones issued only in your name. You need to make sure the WS can't drain checking & savings accounts. You might need to establish checking accounts the WS cannot access. Make sure you have access to enough cash/assets to pay the bills, etc. Powers of attorney might need to be looked at, if any are currently in effect. Don’t agree to any new obligations, new second mortgages, new cars, commit to paying WS’s expenses, etc., etc.

Thanks Believer.

I made an appt to see my psychologist. I'm pretty sure he will not understand why I am fighting for my marriage. He will probably think I'm co dependent or whatever. Thought I would give it a try though.

I'm to the point where I don't think anything is going to change my husbands mind. I have a hard time thinking that they are having this wonderful time and thinking I'm a loser. I spoke to a MB counselor the other day and she said he sounds like he is struggling with this. I have a difficult time sitting back and waiting to see what happens. I am working on myself and pretty much enjoying myself but I am also doing it with the hopes that he returns. The MB counselor said that the real world stuff will begin to take its' toll on their relationship. We'll see what happens.

I get in the mood sometimes where I just want to call him up and say I'm out. You've won.

I was there. I really wanted to just call him up and end it and then say,

I mean it! I really really mean it! I know you don't believe me but I really and truly mean it! I'm done!

But yanno, everytime I wanted to do that, the REAL reason behind my "really" was just to stir the pot, get a reaction, MAKE HIM TELL ME HE GETS IT. I didn't have MB. You do.

You cannot force him to do anything. Don't call him and tell him that you're out, unless you mean it. Not if you really, really mean it (just to get him to act or respond or whatever). It doesn't work that way.

Be patient. Work the MB plans to the letter. You will become a better you. The icing on the cake will be if your husband comes back... but if he doesn't... you're in good shape.

Thanks princessmeggy- You're right. If I do that it's probably so I can hear him give me a reason to hold off on a divorce. He used to say he didn't want one. Then when he was mad he would say he did. This has been 2 years and he's never gotten one. You're so right! I just need to hear him give me a reason not to file. That's where I get my hope. I feel like if he hasn't gotten a divorce yet, is he ever going to? Does he really not want to let me go deep down? Is there still hope?

Puppy,

I have been catching up on your thread and as I read "mental masturbation" keeps popping into my head. In every post of your's you are thinking what if this happens, or is he doing that, or what's he thinking or is he mad? You seem to be over analyzing this.

In plan B WHO CARES WHAT HE IS DOING OR THINKING!! Plan B is for YOU, to enjoy yourself and feel better, which sounds like it is working for you. The only time you think about your cake eating fence sitting WH is when he agrees to all your terms and commits to RE-BUILD THE MARRIAGE. Nothing BUT that.

Another reason for plan B is so you will not TOTALLY LOSE ALL FEELINGS FOR your cake-eating fence-sitting WH. The more you speak with him and he manipulates you, which cake eating fence-sitters do best, the less deposits there are in that love bank of yours.

Now what in the world does this mean?

"I just want to call him up and say I'm out. You've won."

He has won the divorce? He has won you AND the OW and life continues as it was with your blessing? Please tell what he has won?

Sometimes jumping to Plan DIVORCE is the shock and awe that will snap the cake-eating fence-sitting WW's out of it. YOU MAKE THEM FINALLY CHOOSE! Just because he gets served with divorce papers does not mean anyone has to sign anything. And if he goes ahead and signs them...well...then you know.

In one post you said something like "the only EN he will be missing is the financial one".

Does this mean you have been funding the cake-eating fence sitter lifestyle?

One more thought concerning your analyzing anxiety. Anti depressants may help your mind stop spinning out of control. They make this roller coaster less extreme and help you get through the day, and let you enjoy the plan B without the thoughts.

IMHO

kirk

Krusht- Thanks..I needed that. I do over analyze it. I wish I could just put it out of my head. It's hard. Sometimes I wish I never found this site. I think I would have just said "see ya" but the more I read the more hope I had to recover our marriage. How do you move on from overthinking everything to letting it go?

I assume based on your post that you believe he's fence sitting/cake eating. What is the difference? Are these types of affairs easier to break up because the wayward spouse hasn't really left the marriage completley or not necessarily.

Puppy,

Cake eating = fence sitting

Same thing.

For a cake eater, the Plan A fits right into their CE/FS plan. So the cake eater is getting treated great by the spouse and also pursues the OP. The cake eater is in 7th heaven!

Plan B screws up the scenario. Plan D, makes them finally decide which way to jump off the fence.

I don't know if they are harder to break up. Exposure is required to break things up. Like to OW's spouse, your kids, anyone that has influence over the cake sitter/fence eater.

kirk

Krusht-
He was very happy when I was in Plan A. Not so happy looking in Plan B. He did leave other woman and move home for about 12 weeks then left again. Doesn't seem as happy this go around but who knows. I have exposed, embarrasses him but really hasn't done anything else. Just makes him uncomfortable around some people. His family doesn't live nearby. The other womans husband pretty much dumped here. Can't say i blame him since she had an affair with him then married him. Yes, she can only get married men going through a crisis!!!!!!

Is it true that if a spouse comes home then returns to the lover that they experience a great deal of depression? Not right away but later? Is it because of their inability to choose one? I read that in Harley's book. I'm wondering if there is anything I can do to help expedite his decision. At this point I'm in Plan B but it feels like I'm doing nothing and letting him go ahead and have an affair. I'm trying to think less about him and I plan to have a wonderful holiday weekend. Still, my patience is wearing out.

Puppy,

You have been in plan B how long? A week or two...if that?

Plan B is kind of for an indefinite period of time. And again it is more for your well being than waiting and hoping (on pins and needles) that cake eating fence sitting WH will suddenly see the light and come running home to you. Might take a couple months. There are people here in the halls of MB that have been in plan B a year or more.

Plan B is not for the impatient.

Plan DIVORCE is more for the impatient people. Your impatience is not helping your sitch.

But now that you have given the CEFS WH the plan B letter, you can't really go back to the plan A mode, right?

Stick with Plan B, concentrate on yourself and making you happy and maybe he will fade from the forefront of your brain, slipping to vagueness. (or something like that )

IMHO

kirk

Krusht- Thanks for replying. I haven't been in Plan B very long. I know it takes time. Anyone know about Dobson's book? I'm seeing a counselor next week who suggested I read the book. She says I need to knock him off his fence. That I have allowed this disrespect for way too long. I agree. According to her Dobson's plan sounds a bit different than Plan b. Any input??

Update. After about a week of being really down, I woke up today feeling really good. For some reason I feel so empowered. I feel like I hold all the cards in our situation. I can leave this marriage whenever I want. He obviously does not want to leave it or he would have two years ago. I'm sure I was meeting some of his needs. I'm not anymore and it feels good not to have to deal with him and his indecision.

I hope this lasts and is not just a good day. I think I feel more empowered because for once I'm not sure if I want him back. I love my husband but not the person he has become. I don't want that person back, and you know what...it feels great. I can do better than that and I deserve to be treated better than that. And if he doesn't watch it someone may just come along and snatch me up.

Puppy,

"I hope this lasts and is not just a good day. I think I feel more empowered because for once I'm not sure if I want him back."

Now you're talkin'!

What you are feeling is the empowerment of disengagement. Where you can "take him or leave him". This is a very important step and has been brought up on numerous threads. You do not have that panic and feeling of despair because you realize he is not the center of the universe and you can be VERY happy without him.

Much of your being "really down" is from the stress and anxiety of contact with him and dealing with his selfish fogbabbling bullpoop. Plan B keeps him and his MANIPULATIONS away from you.

Stay very dark and avoid contact at all costs to keep this feeling alive.

Stay strong, eat right, exercise, get plenty of sleep, start a hobby, go shopping...etc.

kirk

Thanks Krusht! Still going strong. I'm looking forward to the long weekend. I need some advice from anyone interested in helping me. My counselor suggested that I set a deadline and inform my husband at that time I will file for divorce if he has not contacted me regarding recomciliation. At this time he is still involved with the other woman. He asked me to wait a few months just to see. (I have no idea what he means..I am assuming he didn't want me to file for divorce just yet, as that is what we were talking about). The counselor suggested that I not contact him during that time then if he does not respond then file. She said at least I would know that he wasn't interested enough to save our marriage. she also told me that I needed to tell the children everything. I have never told them about the affair just that dad needs some time to sort through his feelings. I was hoping to spare them the lifelong pain that will happen if I tell them. I waited as before my husband would always say he didn't want a divorce. He just needed time.

I may be wrong, but from what I understand, you should never issue ultimatiums. You've already told him what you require in your Plan B letter, right? Contacting him to give him an ultimatium just makes you look like you're trying to force his hand.

Are you really ready to file if he doesn't meet your demand? Cause if you do this and you don't follow through, your Plan B letter means nothing.

I think you should stick with Plan B, staying very very dark, no contact AT ALL. Give yourself some time to figure out what it is you really want. This will change day to day early in Plan B. After awhile, when you have "disengaged" completely and you can truly KNOW where you stand, THEN you make your decision whether to D or not. Giving him advance warning that you're going to file isn't necessary. You just do it because it's what YOU want.

Princessmeggy-HELP Anyone else welcome to comment as well. In another post I was told that Plan B was an ultimatum. I was really clear on my plan until I saw my counselor and she suggested to give him a time frame then tell him that I will file for divorce he doesn't choose to leave the other woman and commit to the marriage. She suggested two months but was up to me. Then she suggested Dobsons book which seems close to Plan B but says that I need to create a crisis or he may never decide. Am I wrong? Is Plan B itself enough to create a crisis in his life. From what I could tell the book made it seem like I wouldn't be waiting 6 months or so for him to make a decision. From what I read in SAA Plan B can last as long as 18 months if you choose. My other concern is that Dobsons book makes it seem like the longer the other woman and my husband are involved with each other the more they will bond so to speak. This is giving me a sense of I need to hurry up and do something quick or I will lose the opportunity to save my marriage. SAA says that most affairs burn out on their own. Why does one say they will bond and one say it's more likely that the affair will burn out if left alone. That's where my confusion is. Do I hurry up and do something or be patient and see what happens?