I am VERY familiar with the book Of Hosea. 1 1/2 years ago, W tried to leave. She had an inappropriate friendship with another of her company's chaplains. So inappropriate in fact, that his wife called me accusing my wife of a PA. I believe that it never got that far, but now think that W was just searching for another man to comfort her when she did this. Remember, she always said she could never be alone!

This all happened around our anniversary. As a gift I got us tickets to a dinner theatre featuring a production set in WWII based on the book of Hosea. I'm sure the plot is predictable: Young GI goes to war, wife cheats, he returns, then forgives her. After seeing this play, she almost immediately became a better wife and appreciated me that much more for the forgiveness I had shown her after her PA over 10 years earlier. Ironically, she was supposed to have seen this same play with some ladies from our church the night she left, wonder why she didn't go?

She at least just responded to my many emails over the past week. Basically, she says it's over and that I shoud stop emailing her. She says that she has heard it all before and that I will never change. You know what, at this point, I'm not sure I should! Funny thing is, I didn't know there were things she wanted me to change. Things have been fine here (or so I thought) for a long time. I wonder if she can ever truly be happy. I wonder why she can't.

Several of you have mentioned calling the Harleys. I didn't know I had that option. How do I reach them? What do they charge? I'm pretty destitute right now. I just left the kids with the W for their first overnight stay in a strange place due to Mother's Day. I am home alone with nothing to do. I have always devoted my time to our children, allowing her time w/ friends, but never taking any for myself. I never knew I could be sop lonely so quickly. 8 days ago, I was perfectly content and happy!

The Harleys cost quite a bit. I forget how much - $160. an hour? Someone will know. But they cut to the chase and are worth more than a regular counselor.

It must be hard being alone for the first time. I suggest you do something very fun, just for you.

By the way, WHERE are the kids staying?

To find out how to schedule a telephone appointment, click here.


You should change for the better because it's the right thing to do. If it doesn't result in a better M with your WW then it will help you in your next relationship and in life.

She is right about one thing - if your motivation in changing is simply to win her back, then she has heard *that* before and you won't really change, not any lasting changes. As soon as you are comfortable and secure that she is back, you will revert to your old ways, because your motivation is gone.

You change because it's the right thing to do, because it will lead to a better life for you and your kids, with or without your WW.

You let her know that you are going to change with or without her, because YOU WANT to change. Not because she wants you to. You want this. (You do, don't you? If you don't, think about it.)


*sigh* Have you read Why Women Leave Men ? Here's an excerpt:


It also describes POJA. It seems one of your W's major complaints is that you held all the control. POJA would remedy that.

aw3,

I ask you this question with the utmost sincerity and not any sarcasm or malice at all. Do you REALLY want your wife back or do you just want your life as you had it?

Also, I must have missed it but did you mention before that your wife had a previous PA and maybe EA?

WH2LE

I do sincerely, REALLY want HER back. I've made all of the concessions I can to her. I understand that I must change FOR ME, but I don't know how to show her that I would appreciate less responsibility and "control" if she isn't here. I've already told her how glad I was that she has her own bank account now...that's the first step to her realizing the contribution she was missing. The real issue here is that there is an OM who's ear she has to lean on. Remember, she always said she could never be alone. Sounds like SHE has dependancy issues just as much as I may have had control issues to me.

I don't remember if I mentioned the previous A's or not. I guess I didn't consider them significant...perhaps they are...dependancy???

Hello Abandoned,

Your W had a PA 10 years ago right? She had an affair a year and one half ago, perhaps PA, right? She just up and left you for another man the last few weeks.

First question: What in the heck were you to doing thinking about adopting another child?

Second question: Are you getting a clue that you two learned little to nothing from the previous affairs?

I know the first question sounds very harsh, but divorce is hard on children and your W has had two affairs before this one. What made you think she had learned anything from those episodes? What did you learn? Apparently nothing changed and something needs to change within her and within you.

She clearly has more issues than NOT wanting to balance the check book. She has no idea what marriage is, nor does she apparently know how to protect her boundaries. Further she has been trying to get out of this marriage for a number of years it appears. YOUNG MAN! You would be a fool to want this marriage back, or her back as she is.

Before you allow her back or even consider taking her back some big changes need to occur, not just getting rid of this OM, for there will be others. She needs to really address her boundaries, her morals, her goals, and what guides her decision making.

YOU, need to really step back and have a long hard look at yourself, your marriage, how you two have handled the earlier affairs, and frankly how you are handling and will handle this affair. You are considering adopting a little girl. I commend you for such thoughts but are you really ready to be the sole father to 2 children, much less three. You say you don't have any money, yet you are going to adopt a third child?????

You don't have money for counseling at least $185/hr, yet you will have money for a divorce. ARe you planning on offering your children a chance to attend college??? It will take money, what is your plan?

Abandoned, it seems to me that before you worry about your W and her behavior, you need to address your decisions, your plans for the future, your goals for life, and what you hope to be able to offer your children. I mean YOU, not a plural you as in your W.

Your W has big issues. Your have big issues but NONE of them are your W. Those are hers. You need to address why your marriage failed not once, not twice, but now three times. Wrong woman, perhaps. Wrong approach to marriage on your part and her's, perhaps. Wrong evaluation approach, perhaps.

It is your life, your call, but if I were running your life, I would tell you that YOU need to spend several month evaluating your life, your goals, your approach to things and why you think a 3 time cheater is really in your future.

I know this sounds harsh, but young man, you are at a cross roads. Your life can become better than ever, thus your children's as well, OR it can be more of the same, or worse. This will be YOUR call, not your W.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

aw3,

Again, a sincere question on my part.

Why did you fail to mention the previous affairs? Please think deeply about this.I am one who thinks it is VERY significant that YOU failed to mention them.

As recently as a year and a half ago, your wife made it clear that she wanted to leave you, yet you say you have been content. Either you are living in a fantasy land OR you have been COMPLETELY ignoring your wife's feelings.

I do not think she has dependency issues at all. I agree with the very wise JL. Her issues are not as important as yours are to YOU right now. And I think it is important to ask yourself WHY you would not mention 2 previous affairs.

WH2LE

JL, though I didn't want to hear that, I know I needed to. I never said I have NO money, just that things will be more difficult without a 2 income household. We built a new home 4 years ago, much larger than I wanted, but, once again, I gave into her desires. Other than my father, you are the first to point out the obvious. I DO love my W, I do wish she were here now, but I KNOW that changes must occur in each of us before it could ever work. I have NEVER told her that the door was wide open for her to return, only offering counseling as an option to explore why we're here now.

I feel I know what has happened. We starting seeing one another when she was 13 (I was 15, almost 16). Her parents were in the middle of their divorce. Her father (who had the kids, W's mother left them too) allowed me to have a larger part in her life than I should have. She was dependent on me then, and I suppose nothing ever changed. I took on the role of parent in many ways, and the roles never truly changed. We have been together virtually our entire lives.

Many times I have wanted out myself, but would NEVER have considered it because of our children. No one in my family has ever been divorced. I will be seen as the first to graduate college, then the first to divorce. All of my wife's relatives have been married at least 2-3 times!

I should've seen the writing on the wall, but I didn't. I was niave to think this could all work out in the end. She has just recently starting earning a descent income, and now she is leaving with it. Thank God she didn't get fired, I wouldn't want her to come back for further financial dependency.

I DO still want her back, but I don't think she has the self inspection skills necessary to see that we both have made HUGE mistakes in our life together. If she is ever willing to evaluate things honestly, I will gladly take her back and enjoy what a marriage should REALLY be like! But I will not go back to life as it was...if I did, it would only be until the next OM came along, then she would leave again!

I suppose I never mentioned the two previous A's because I had forgiven her and moved on. I have never ONCE mentioned her indescretions to her, even in the most heated of arguments! I am one who believes that, if you forgive unconditionally, you forget as well. Though I know that I never really forgot the other events, I never allowed her to know that they did still bother me at times. Again, I thought things were fine! I assure you, I never ignored my W, if anything, she ignored me!

abandoned, do you think its fair to drag an innocent 2 year old child into this Godforsaken mess? Its one thing you to choose to live with a serial cheater, but quite another to inflict this on a child.

ML, I agree completely! That is why I am not willing to take W back without intensive counseling. However, w/ that said, I know that I can provide a better life for her than what she will have if returned to foster care in general. She has been here since she was 4 wks old, she is now 27 mos. old. How could I ever give her up???

YOU CAN'T.

Thanks for understanding. Believe me, I am well aware of how hard it will be. I know that it will kill me socially later if W doesn't return. Who wants to be invloved w/ a man that has 3 young children? None of that matters. If I am NEVER in another relationship, I will be content w/ my 3 children and our lives together!

Abandoned - I met my ex, and he had 4 kids and 2 step-daughters who lived with him . It didn't slow me down.

And I wouldn't be able to give up my child either.

Your Ex? Well, that's encouraging!

Her "XH" has been trying to get her back now for a couple of years. She has declined.

Wow, 6 Kids!!! That really is encouraging!!!

LOL........ Yes, my ex, the one who cheated.

But I'm happy again. My sons are over having a barbecue with their brother and sisters tonight.

Our family is slightly battered, but recovering.

Ex hubby is alone and lonely.

Well, I AM lonely, but I will survive! I know W thinks I am destitute and without hope, just as she wants me, but I am felling much better now. A night alone and a chance to reflect, along with these posts, has helped me to realize that I can do what's best for me and my kids, even without her!

It is very lonely at first, but it does get much better. You sound like a good man. It is your wife's loss if she continues on her path. But I think she will be back.

In the meantime, make a good life for you and your children.

And read and post here until you feel stronger so that you can insist that you don't want the old marriage back.